Can cougars and boy toys be happy forever?
“I feel so bad for Demi,” Sara said as we made our way up Old Railroad Grade.
“Sara, you really need to stop obsessing about Demi and Kim and Leann. When did you become such a celeb follower?”
“It’s not that! I couldn’t care less about them. I care about the broader issues.”
“Like?”
“Like can we older gals live just as happily-ever-after with boy toys as old guys with hot babes do?”
“So, you don’t think we can just because Ashton likes to have sex with other babes?” 
“Other younger babes.”
“Of course — did you expect he’d cheat with someone older than Demi? She’s 48!”
“It’s not that.”
“You’re right. It’s that he’s a cheater, and that probably doesn’t have anything to do with Demi’s age.”
Or does it?
Guys go for youth. This is not rocket science. But older women get their share of interest from younger men because we bring quite a few things to the table — experience, comfort in our own skin, and a savvy sexual appetite.
Say what you will about cougars, but it makes sense that older women should hook up with younger men. Maybe not guys 15 years younger, like Demi and Ashton, but maybe a few years — 5 or so. Why? Because men die younger than women do, and that means there are so many more widows than widowers. It means women often spend a decade or more alone when they’re old and more likely to need companionship more than ever; that’s sad!
Marrying someone younger would lessen the chance of that.
Plus, 15 years is an awfully big gap; your interests and experiences are bound to be pretty different. Of course, that doesn’t necessarily mean a marriage wouldn’t work — lots of people the same age with similar interests and experiences get divorced! But being just 5 years or so apart in age puts you in the same generation, anyway. And, you’d also have similar aging issues.
Maybe that’s the biggest turn off of all. The body starts to wrinkle, sag and shift, the mind starts to wander and then what? I know that stuff shouldn’t matter —after all, we don’t know what illnessnes and accidents await us at any age. But maybe starting off with a “disadvantage,” it will — eventually.
So, maybe cougars and boy toys should plan on five blissfully happy years together, and then move on. There are always more young men out there, ladies …
Does a big gap in a relationship matter in the long run?
Is it OK to date someone who’s separated?
I couldn’t wait to get together with Mia; she’d met a guy who sounded pretty darn as close to perfect as you can get and I wanted to know more. So we met at the arts fest, not even feeling the raindrops because our conversation was so animated.
“OK, what are the stats?”
“He’s 52, tall, fit, nice salt-and-pepper hair …”
“Uh-huh. And?”
“Loves to hike, super-smart and super-sweet. Coached his kids’ soccer teams …”
“Sounds good. And?”
“And he’s a real gentleman. He paid for our dates, even though I insisted I’ll pay. He didn’t come on real strong; I practically had to throw myself at him to get him to kiss me.”
“Ah, he likes a bit of the chase? Nice!”
“And I’m starting to get crazy about him.”
“Mia, it’s way too soon for that! But I know — it’s hard not to feel excited about someone who’s so great. How long has he been divorced?”
“Hmm, well …
”
“Well, what?”
“He’s just separated.”
“As in ‘just’ how long ago?”
“Two months.”
I think my mouth must have dropped far enough to smudge my cute new black cotton wedgies — that’s how shocked I was.
“Mia, what are you doing with a newly separated guy?”
“Enjoying our time together, why?” she sniffed.
“Because, because … because, it’s all wrong!”
“Says who?”
Says probably about every dating expert out there, although you don’t want to necessarily follow everything they say. But, who needs a dating expert to tell us that getting involved with someone fresh out of a marriage — and I wouldn’t call separated “out” of anything — is a bad idea?
Separated means a lot of things to different people. When Rob and I separated, it was to spend time alone to figure out whether we were going to salvage the marriage or not — that hardly made me dating material. For all Mia knows, this guy and his not-quite-ex could be still working on their relationship, giving each other “space,” dipping their toes into the dating scene to see if they can attract someone new or all of the above. Or maybe they’re actually somewhat happily married and he’s just scouting around for a mistress. Who knows?
As Singlemommyhood notes: “Separated always means in limbo. There is unfinished business — whether it’s emotional, legal, or financial.”
Which is what I told Mia (thanks Dr. Leah).
And Mia would hear nothing of it. Now you know why dating experts and shrinks stay in business — even if we know we’re in a situation that has way too many complications, we still delve right in, hoping this time it will be different.
Maybe it will be.
Probably not.
To me, even a newly divorced guy is a big dating no-no; no one’s ready to be available in a new relationship when he just got out of one. And, if he says he is, it’s because he’s lonely and/or he wants sex.
Getting involved with someone like that is taking a big gamble, one you’re likely going to lose.
- Would you date a separated man or woman?
- How about a newly divorced person?
Photo © Angelika Bentin – Fotolia.com
Unemployed and looking for love
I was at a Labor Day barbecue, so of course it made sense to talk about work. But a lot of the conversation was about not working.
Two more friends have lost their jobs — Dan and Michael. I feel really bad for both of them, but I feel a lot worse for Dan. Michael is married, and his wife, Natalie, works; he’s OK for now (although this puts their marriage at a greater risk of divorce). Dan is single and although he’s smart, talented and an all-around great guy who can probably survive for a while on his savings, who wants to date an unemployed man?
No one. At least, that’s what he told me. 
“Dan, you don’t actually tell people you’re unemployed, do you?”
“Yeah, because I am — along with I don’t know how many millions of other people.”
“But, that’s shocking for people to hear, especially women you want to date; you need
to spin it.”
“Like what? That I’m on a sabbatical or I’m an independent consultant? Oh, please!”
“Can’t hurt.”
“It’s not exactly honest, either. Not the best way to start a relationship.”
He has a point.
I’m all for honesty, and if you’re jobless and don’t share that with a new love right from the start, it will be a big ugly mess explaining it later when it eventually gets discovered — and you just know it will! As it must.
That’s a much bigger problem for guys than women, not surprisingly. Unemployed women are still datable and guys are not — if that isn’t proof about how far we haven’t come as a society, I don’t know what is.
I suppose Dan can give up dating for a while — all that extra time and energy (and cash!) can be spent looking for a new job, volunteering or learning new skills. But, if one part of your life is out of whack — like your health or your job or your love life — it really helps to have the other parts a little more stable. Knowing someone has your back and still finds you lovable makes losing a job somewhat less traumatic — for a while, anyway.
Of course, Dan can continue his dating routine, which is pretty much a lot of hookups and friends with benefits arrangements, like most people date nowadays anyway. As weird as it sounds, it actually seems to be the perfect way to have fun and connect with people given what’s going on; you don’t need to wine and dine anyone! Could it be that our casual sex dating rituals are a byproduct of the recession?
I don’t think our economy is getting back to normal any time soon — if you’re unemployed or underemployed and looking for love, what do you do?
Like this? You might like:
He’s jobless — do you date him?
Photo © Christopher Hall – Fotolia.com
![[Valid RSS]](valid-rss.png "Validate my RSS feed")
