Should you tell your partner everything?
Sean and I were snuggled under the covers, the blissful few moments of naked skin on naked skin before we had to get up and start our day. Despite the cozy scene, my mind was a mess; I kept thinking about the woman at the party the other night who was so sluttily hanging all over him.
She was also very blond, very busty and very pretty, so of course Sean — being a guy —was enjoying the attention. 
So I sighed.
“What?” Sean asked.
“What, what?”
“You sighed.”
“And?”
“Oh, it sounded like you were about to say something.”
This was my in, my chance to say something about the mate-poaching blonde.
Thankfully, I didn’t. There are some things you just shouldn’t tell your partner. Period.
I’m all for honesty and openness in a relationship, but some things do more damage than good.
Would I “damage” my relationship if I told Sean that I was uncomfortable about how much attention the blonde was lavishing on him, or how much he was clearly loving it? He’d probably say that I was being insecure, or jealous or making something out of nothing. And, he’d probably be right.
But you can’t— or shouldn’t — be mum about everything. How do you know what to confess and what to keep to yourself?
I think you have to decide which secrets make the relationship more loving and which come from self-interest.
How much and how often you keep mum determines whether you sink or swim as a couple.
I decided to keep us swimming.
“All I was going to say was that I love you so much,” I told Sean as we snuggled even closer.
- What do you withhold from your relationship? Why?
- Ever confess something you wish you hadn’t?
Photo © summerdays – Fotolia.com
Should you read someone’s email or texts?
A cute 30ish couple in the early stages of romance were sitting next to Sean and me at the sushi bar last weekend. As their appetizer plates were being cleared away, the guy excused himself to go to the bathroom.
And then his cell phone — in the pocket of his jacket — started ringing. I could see the woman tense up, and I knew exactly what was going through her mind — who the heck’s calling him at 8:30 on a Saturday night?
She didn’t say anything to him when he came back, but she didn’t have to; the voicemail beeps were enough to alert for him that someone had called. He took the phone out of his pocket, glanced at the missed call number, and placed it back in his pocket without missing a beat. She smiled, a tense smile, the whole time. 
It took less than a few minutes, but I could tell it planted the seed of something that will last a lot longer — relationship insecurity. Haven’t we all been there? Our sweetie gets a call or a text at an unusual hour and our mind starts wandering.
Or perhaps we do more than wander; we look.
Is it ever OK to look at your partner’s cellphone texts or computer emails? Is it ever OK to listen to your partner’s voicemails?
Without permission, of course.
People do it all the time — that’s how Elin caught Tiger and it’s how thousands of other couples did, too. And, that’s how I caught a former boyfriend, and it’s not something I’m particularly proud of.
What makes someone look at or listen to someone else’s private stuff? Curiosity, no doubt, which, according to the old saying “killed the cat.” Yeah, well, looking didn’t kill me, but it did kill the relationship. He didn’t dump me for looking — although that probably was in his right. In any event, he wasn’t too happy about it. But, by looking I suddenly knew too much, although, hey, it was certainly stuff I needed to know — he was cheating on me!
So I dumped him.
Do the ends justify the means?
Didn’t I become just as deceitful as he was by poking around where I had no right to poke?
Why did I look? Probably because I already knew on a subconscious level that something was wrong between us, as most of us do who look or listen. If you look, something — like trust — is missing or something — like insecurities — is present in your relationship. Maybe both.
I swore I’d never do that again because it revealed an ugly side of me that I just didn’t like. I didn’t want to be that person. And, I have kept my word to myself. But that doesn’t mean that my heart hasn’t skipped a beat when Sean’s phone rings at a weird time. Although I’d feel totally OK asking, “who’s that?” But I often don’t. Because I trust. And if somehow, some way I shouldn’t trust anymore, I feel pretty confident it will eventually be revealed without me having to go looking for it.
- Is it ever OK to look at someone else’s text messages or emails, or listen to someone else’s voicemails?
- Have you done it? Has someone done it to you?
Photo © Nevena Kozekova – Fotolia.com
To love, cherish and obey
“So, do you think she’ll say it?” Sara said to me as we sipped our iced teas after a long ride out to West Marin.
It was a typical Sara out-of-the-blue comment. “She who, say what?”
“Kate! That she’ll ‘obey’ Prince William.”
“Oh. Well, you said it, didn’t you?”
“Of course I didn’t! Don’t you remember my wedding at all?”
I do remember her wedding, of course. It was in the mountains, we wore tie-dye and hiking boots, there was no wedding cake (although there were a lot of pot brownies, so no wonder why my memory might be a little fuzzy) and Sara and her now-ex, John, had written their own vows, as so many of us did in those post-first-wave feminist days. 
Including me (although my wedding to Rob was a little less bohemian).
We would have none of that “obey” stuff, and neither have a lot of women since then, including Princess Di, Prince William’s mom, when she married Price Charles. But not all of us — Sarah Ferguson, who married Prince Andrew, and Sophie Rhys-Jones, who married, Prince Edward, both promised to obey.
Is it so bad to “obey” your husband? (And you hubby types should probably not answer …)
It’s a super-bad-sounding word, for starters, one that reeks of subservience — or worse. Like abuse, according to Archbishop Rowan Williams, who’ll marry Prince William and Kate Middleton. He gave his OK to guidelines that basically said that a wife who promised to “obey” her hubby (and no a similar requirement that a hubby obeys his wife — “Yes dear” does not count!) is not only archaic, but could even be used to justify domestic violence.
And, of course, there is no way to justify that. Ever.
But its origins are more along the lines of someone having a desire to be unselfish than someone seeking power and domination or that someone (mostly women) is giving up her rights.
And so many of us — including Sara, when she was married — use words that are euphemisms to “obeying.” We “let” our hubbies have a night with the boys, or they “let” us go back to work.
Even the super-smart author (She Comes First) Ian Kerner offers advice that make me scratch my head:
You know the phrase that inside every man there’s a little boy? Actually, he’s a big dumb teenager, and if you let him go hang out with his friends every now and then, he’ll come home a better man.
“Let” him hang with his friends? I don’t want a man who wants me to let him do things — I want him to do things. Nor do I want a man who lets me do things.
Sounds a lot like “obey” instead of “healthy relationship.”
I want a relationship in which he and I both understand, embrace, respect and encourage relationships and activities outside the “we.”
Is that so hard?
Of course, I have no problem with a man who wants to obey my every wish and desire. Any takers?
- Do you have a problem with a spouse “obeying”?
Did you say the word “obey” in your vows? - Do you say you’ll “let” your sweetie do something?
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