Should your boyfriend sleep over?
“So, are you and Sean getting together tonight?” Mia asked me as she, Sara and I trudged up the Matt Davis trail.
“Nah, The Kid’s with me tonight.”
“So?” Sara asked.
“So, he doesn’t sleep over when Trent’s with me. You know that.”
Sara stopped abruptly. “Still? Are you kidding me?”
“No, why?”
“Haven’t you guys been together for, like, years?” Mia asked.
“Yeah, about three or four, I guess.”
“So why can’t he sleep over?”
“Well, he could but he doesn’t
feel comfortable with it, and
I want to respect that.” 
“Kat, that’s crazy!” Sara insisted. “You guys are in a committed, monogamous relationship. You know Trent knows you guys are having sex! Why not be out in the open about it?”
I have no problem being open about a lot about sex with The Kid — just not about my personal sex life.
And, really, what kid even wants to think about his
or her parents having sex?
It’s just one big eww!! Most kids think they’re parents stopped having sex when the last kid was born, and they didn’t enjoy it anyway. So if I were still married, my sex life most likely even be an issue.
But when you’re a divorced parent and dating, it’s hard to hide what’s going on, beyond just the noisy sex thing. Having a man who’s not quite our dad, but more than a family friend shuffling over to the breakfast table in his jammies, bed-hair and morning woody — or that look on a guy’s face that only comes from having taken care of that — feels a little too in your face. And there’s always the chance that a kid’s going to accidentally see a boyfriend or girlfriend naked.
Of course, Trent knows what’s going on. But, I don’t feel like I have to fill in the details for him
- Is it OK for a boyfriend/girlfriend to sleep over when you have kids?
- Does it matter how long you’ve been together or how old the kids are?
- If one of your parents did that while you were young, how did you feel about it?
Photo © Angelika Bentin – Fotolia.com
Dealing with a crazy ex
Sara and I were soaking in the views from the West Point Inn on Sunday, when we heard a woman’s laugh, a loud woman’s laugh. Suddenly, Sara froze.
“What’s up?” I asked.
“I know that voice.”
“Who is it?” 
“It’s Heidi, Jeff’s ex-wife,” she said turning toward the laugher to confirm what she already knew.
“Oh, I remember Jeff. You really liked him.”
“I more than liked him; I was in love with him. ”
“I can’t remember; why did you break up? He was so nice and cute.”
“He was nice and cute, and fantastic in bed, too. But, I couldn’t imagine having any sort of happy life with him if it included her. It’s her fault we’re not together.”
“Really?”
“Really. She made my life hell.”
I understand what Sara’s saying; some ex-wives can make life pretty insane for the new girlfriend (although I imagine some new girlfriends can wreak as much havoc). But, can you really blame a psycho ex for destroying a love affair? Sure, maybe she’s manipulative, passive-aggressive, irrational, controlling, bitter, confrontational — feel free to add your own adjectives if you have experience. If they have kids together, you’ll forever be an odd chess game — him and you and her, with the kids as pawns. It’s a situation custom-made for a Lifetime TV drama. But could Sara have made it work if she were a “better” woman? Could Sara have sucked it up a little more?
If the man you love comes with a horrible ex-wife, isn’t he worth that extra pain?
Honestly, I have no idea, mostly because I’ve never dated a man whose former wife made my live hell. I’ve dated men whose former wives were pieces of work, that’s for sure, who made his life stressful, which of course impacted us.
Maybe I haven’t been drawn into that kind of relationship drama because I didn’t move in with any of those guys or — God forbid! — marry them; we’ve all heard of nightmare stepmom experiences. Becoming the new Missus is a lot more threatening than being “just” a girlfriend.
And the poor guys, they have to manage it all — put the new relationship first (along with his kids, obviously) while trying to keep it civil with his ex, no matter how “psycho” she may be.
It works both ways, of course. One girlfriend has had to have a restraining order against her ex — he’s stalked her and even broken into her home. She’s a total hottie and sweet as can be, but barely dates — and I can understand why. If I were a guy would I want to walk into that mess? Hmmm …
Am I happy I’ve never had to have my love tested that way? You bet! Still, I’m not sure I would say a crazy ex-wife is a deal-breaker.
What about you?
Photo © Tadija Savic – Fotolia.com
Learning how to flirt
After meditating and dropping out of the world for a while, I was in need of a few things. (Get your mind out of the gutter … although, sure, I managed to squeak that in). So Mia, Sara and I headed to our favorite watering spot and ordered a few glasses of our fave cab.
Nothing felt better than being around my gal-friends and indulging in the smooth taste of the wine; it didn’t hurt that the guy sitting next to us was lovely eye candy.
“Don’t look now, but did you get a peek at Mr. Immediately to Your Right, reading a book?” Mia whispered.
“I’m all over it,” Sara said.
“He’s alone,” I observed. “And ringless.”
After about 15 minutes of girl chat and a half a glass in me, I felt my mojo come back. So when the moment seemed right, I turned in Eye Candy’s direction, acting as if I were searching for someone — and catching a brief look at his book (Jonathan Franzen’s “Freedom”) — when our eyes briefly met. I smiled. He smiled back.
Game on!
So I went for it.
“How are you enjoying ‘Freedom’?” I asked.
“Very entertaining. I see a lot of myself in there.”
“Richard or Walter?”
“What do you think?”
And that’s how Eye Candy — Ron, actually — joined Sara, Mia and me for a rousing discussion of love, life, kids, marriage, freedom and sex. All the while, I was
thinking I
was the wing woman. 
But I was the only one who thought that, evidently.
“You know,” Sara said the next day as we power-walked Roxy to the dog park, “you really pissed me off last night.”
“I did? Why?”
“You were flirting with Ron, the only attractive
single man in the bar.”
“We all were flirting with him,” I insisted.
“Yeah, but you really shouldn’t be, you know?”
“Why? I was just joining in the fun. What’s
wrong with that? You know I’m a flirt, but I don’t mean anything by it.”
“You and Mia have boyfriends, and I don’t. Women who have partners shouldn’t flirt, especially if they’re out with their single friends who are looking.”
I was about to get all defensive, but I stopped myself and apologized. “Sorry, Sara. I’m glad you told me. I’ll try to be more aware next time.”
But later that night, I wondered — if you’re out
with a single friend or friends, is it wrong to flirt
if you’re attached and your friends aren’t?
As I’ve admitted before, I’m a shameless flirt, but an innocent one. My flirting has no intention attached — unless, of course, I’m unattached and available. No reason to be innocent then (well, if it’s someone I’m interested in).
When I’m in a relationship, as I am now, I don’t believe I have to give up my flirtatious ways. Being in a committed relationship doesn’t mean I have to get all asexual and stop interacting with the world in a playful way. Still, Sara’s word’s stay with me:
“Women who have partners shouldn’t flirt, especially if they’re out with their single friends.”
So, I defer to my readers, who often prove infinitely wiser than I:
- Should attached gals/guys no longer flirt?
- Or, is it OK to flirt if they’re alone but not OK if they’re out with single friends?
- And, finally — is this only how women would react, or would guys get all tweaked, too?
Photo © maron – Fotolia.com
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