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Oct 18

The lesson of Sara Leal

Posted on Tuesday, October 18, 2011 in Celebrities, dating, Men, Parenting, Relationships, Sex/sexuality, Singles, Women

“Do you think Sara Leal’s attractive?” I asked Sean as we snuggled on a lazy Sunday morning.

“Who’s that?”

Sean’s a smart guy, but he’s not too hip when it comes to the latest celebrity or celeb scandal — thankfully!

“The young blond party girl who had sex with Ashton.”

“Why do you pay attention to that stuff?”

Good question. I really don’t because I just can’t stand our celeb-obsessed culture. But as someone who likes to observe people — and as a mom —a Sara Leal is someone to pay attention to.    

Why? She’s pretty, young, has a great bod and can party with best of them — the kind of girl a lot of guys like to sleep with.

Now, I never would have heard about Sara and I’ll bet neither would have any one else if she hadn’t had unprotected sex — twice — with Ashton Kutcher, Demi Moore’s husband.

So why do I know about the 22-year-old? Because after first asking for $250,000 to shut up about it, which obviously didn’t happen, she then blabbed about it to anyone who would listen (which, sadly, is a huge portion of the population) — presumably for cash — saying that sleeping with him has messed up her life.

No, Sara, the truth is, you messed up your life. Sleeping with a married man (OK, he allegedly told her he was separated, but still) is bad enough but I won’t judge other people’s actions. But sleeping with him and then selling your story and all the details (“He had great endurance. We were up for a while. It was about two hours.”) to magazines isn’t going to help you move past your part-time modeling gig.

Except, of course, it probably will. I imagine Sara’s already entertaining offers to pose naked in Playboy, and I wouldn’t doubt that we’ll soon see her on reality TV. To get your 15 minutes of fame nowadays all you have to do is sleep with a high-profile guy once or twice, sell your story or pictures of it, or both, and you’ll pocket a few thousand to ease your heartbreak.

If I were a mom of a daughter, we’d probably be having a long discussion about how not to get famous by going the Sara Leal route. Being naive and stupid (unprotected sex?) and then opportunistic is a very ugly combination, no matter how pretty you are.

Then there are all the topless picture of her circulating on the Internet and descriptions by friends that she “parties a lot” and would “go out with her best friends, and she’d get drunk and be the fun girl.” This is not something to be known for. Being a party girl ages you pretty quickly.

And her 15 minutes of fame from all of this will blow away quickly, and she’ll spend many more years trying to get people to forget about it than being able to capitalize on it. Need proof? Look at Monica Lewinsky, who didn’t seek fame but who got it anyway.

Reading some of the comments on the online stories about the Sara-Ashton “event,” guys are calling her skanky but in the same breath saying, “but I’d still f@*k her.” Because that’s how people will see her now. I have to wonder — was it worth it?

Knowing that about some guys, and I’m mom to a guy, I’ll be talking about Sara Leal to The Kid, too. While Ashton may have been a relatively safe bet for having unprotected sex with since he’s been married for the past six years, Sara is a party girl. If she’s having sex on the first hookup with no protection, you can pretty much bet she doesn’t use protection, period, and the consequences of that could be disastrous — STDs, AIDs, a baby. I really want my kid to think about that.

Beyond the sex part, I’d want to explore with him why guys find someone like Sara Leal — with her heavy makeup and boozy partying — attractive? OK, that was a stupid question — I know why guys find someone like Sara Leal attractive. Which makes me think we have a very skewed idea of what’s attractive.

When I explained to Sean why, as a mom, I feel a need to talk about Sara Leal, I asked him again if he thought she was attractive. “No,” he said, “but I’d still f@*k her.”

  • Is there a message for kids in the Sara Leal saga?
  • Is there a message for all of us in the Sara Leal saga?

 

Sep 6

Unemployed and looking for love

Posted on Tuesday, September 6, 2011 in Advice, dating, Divorce, hookups, Kat, Men, Relationships, Singles, Women

I was at a Labor Day barbecue, so of course it made sense to talk about work. But a lot of the conversation was about not working.

Two more friends have lost their jobs — Dan and Michael. I feel really bad for both of them, but I feel a lot worse for Dan. Michael is married, and his wife, Natalie, works; he’s OK for now (although this puts their marriage at a greater risk of divorce). Dan is single and although he’s smart, talented and an all-around great guy who can probably survive for a while on his savings, who wants to date an unemployed man?

No one. At least, that’s what he told me. 

“Dan, you don’t actually tell people you’re unemployed, do you?”

“Yeah, because I am — along with I don’t know how many millions of other people.”

“But, that’s shocking for people to hear, especially women you want to date; you need
to spin it.”

“Like what? That I’m on a sabbatical or I’m an independent consultant? Oh, please!”

“Can’t hurt.”

“It’s not exactly honest, either. Not the best way to start a relationship.”

He has a point.

I’m all for honesty, and if you’re jobless and don’t share that with a new love right from the start, it will be a big ugly mess explaining it later when it eventually gets discovered — and you just know it will! As it must.

That’s a much bigger problem for guys than women, not surprisingly. Unemployed women are still datable and guys are not —  if that isn’t proof about how far we haven’t come as a society, I don’t know what is.

I suppose Dan can give up dating for a while — all that extra time and energy (and cash!) can be spent looking for a new job, volunteering or learning new skills. But, if one part of your life is out of whack — like your health or your job or your love life — it really helps to have the other parts a little more stable. Knowing someone has your back and still finds you lovable makes losing a job somewhat less traumatic — for a while, anyway.

Of course, Dan can continue his dating routine, which is pretty much a lot of hookups and friends with benefits arrangements, like most people date nowadays anyway. As weird as it sounds, it actually seems to be the perfect way to have fun and connect with people given what’s going on; you don’t need to wine and dine anyone! Could it be that our casual sex dating rituals are a byproduct of the recession?

I don’t think our economy is getting back to normal any time soon — if you’re unemployed or underemployed and looking for love, what do you do?

Like this? You might like:

He’s jobless — do you date him?

Photo © Christopher Hall – Fotolia.com

 

Aug 15

Is it really that bad to have sex on the first date?

Posted on Monday, August 15, 2011 in dating, Kat, Men, Relationships, Sex/sexuality, Singles, Women

When I saw that my friend Dan had changed his Facebook status to “in a relationship,” I just had to give him a call. But first, I clicked on the profile of the gal he was in a relationship with. Much to my surprise, she looked nothing like I would expect him to be with, based on his former girlfriends. She’s pretty, but in a sweet girl-next-door way.

What had happened to the Dan who always fell for babes who looked like they made their living swinging naked on a pole at the local strip club?

So I called him, and yesterday we meet over some beers.

“Should I be worried about you?” I asked.

“Why? Do I look sick?”

“No. Actually, you look happy.”

“I am happy. I’m in love.”

“But she’d not your type!”     

“Who? Kat, did you …”

So of course I fessed up on my snooping.

“Katy is absolutely my type! She’s sweet and smart and a total babe. You had me pegged all wrong.”

“I had you pegged by what you usually dated — they may have been smart and maybe even sweet but they were way beyond ‘total babes’ — they were, you know, skanky.”

“Well, just like women are drawn to bad boys, we guys are drawn to sluts. We can’t help it. But, no guy wants to to be boyfriend to that. We just want to …”

“Have sex with them.”

“Bingo.”

“So a girl who gives it up on the first date?”

“Uh, probably not the bring-home-to-the parents type. But you know that.”

“But, women don’t trash a guy because he wants to have sex on the first date. We expect a guy’s going to at least try!”

“Guys aren’t woman and women aren’t guys. Thankfully.”

“So, then why do women give it up so easily and dress so trashy?”

“Kat, I think you would know that better than I.”

And he was right, I guess.

Women like to dress provocatively; I know I do. It gets attention from guys, and I like to play up my femininity. But as I age I know there’s a line between looking sexy and looking trashy; older women who try too hard to look young cross that line in a tragic way. You can get away with some trashiness when you’re 20-something, but you actually don’t have to do too much to look sexy at that age; I wish more young women understood that!

But when it comes to sex, I know why some women give it up easily — they just want to have some fun, just like guys do. I’m not going to say it’s empowering — God, I’m really beginning to hate that word! It’s just that some women don’t have any hangups about casual sex. But a whole lot more women do, and they have sex freely and easily because they’re hoping it will lead to a something, probably a relationship. Sometimes it does but not necessarily with someone we want to be with for the long haul. Even if we don’t put out on the first date, Date 3 comes along and …

But, if guys don’t particularly want to have relationships with women who dress like they’re working the street corner and who give it up too soon (and I’m not 100 percent convinced I know when “too soon” is), then why do so many women go the skanky route? If guys like the chase then shouldn’t more women who are interested in having a relationship hold out from having sex with a guy for as long as they can — or at least until they recognize the guy’s not in it just to score?

Of course, if a guy dumps a woman after sleeping with her on the first date, he probably wasn’t too serious about wanting a relationship in the first place. It shouldn’t be a deal-breaker, or should it?

  • Guys, what do you think of women who have sex on the first date?
  • Do you always try to score on Date No. 1?
  • Are skanky women lookers and not keepers?
  • Gals, do you have sex on the first date? Why or why not?
  • Do you dump a guy who tries? Do you have more respect for a guy who doesn’t try?

 

 

 Photo © dimis – Fotolia.com