You can’t blame your parents forever
As I was enjoying The Kid’s Mother’s Day breakfast-in-bed he whipped up for me — well, more like lunch-in-bed considering how late he gets up — I suddenly thought how tough the day was going to be for Mia; her mom had passed away last summer, and this was the first Mother’s Day she wouldn’t have her mom around.
So I called Sara and we talked Mia into going on a late afternoon hike with us. She was appreciative, but unusually — and understandably — somber. In every other sentence she was beating herself up for all the things she wished she’d done differently with her mom.
After a few minutes, I stopped her. “Mia, you can’t undo what’s been done. I’m sure your mom knew you loved her. Give yourself a break.” 
“Maybe,” she said, her voice trailing off. “But, I was so angry at her for so long.”
And who hasn’t felt that about his or her parents?
I don’t know about you, but just about every one I know has some sort of a complicated relationship with his or her mom or dad or both. Having parents isn’t for babies! And no matter how much we spent on flowers or brunch — or, in Dad’s case, ties and barbecue utensils; go figure! — on their “day,” we still often wrestle with the ways in which they “failed” us.
Which makes me really nervous because I would hate to think that The Kid will be feeling that way about me 10 or 20 years down the road. I feel like Gene Kranz (Ed Harris) in the movie “Apollo 13″: “Failure is not an option!
Yeah, right!!!
We parents “fail” all the time because we’re human, and thus make mistakes, and we have to make the tough decisions, ones our kids often don’t like. Sorry, but …
And since you know your kids are going to blame you no matter what you do, just do the right thing and stop obsessing about parenting!
It’s easy to blame our parents for keeping us back or somehow messing up our lives. But, shouldn’t there be a statute of limitations on that? Like, once you hit 30 — give of take — you can’t blame your parents for every failure in your life? You have to own up to the fact that you’ve created your own messes now; the past is over.
OK; some parents really are toxic. So those who grew up with severe cases of childhood dysfunction, like abuse of any kind or alcoholism/addictions, get a buy — but only for so long. At some point, you have to come to a place of forgiveness and compassion and move on.
Most of us have been hurt one way or the other, to varying degrees, whether physically, emotionally or psychologically — or if you had really horrific parents, all three. It may not be easy to get past that, but shouldn’t we try — and keep trying until we can? And at some point, having an a awareness of how our childhood has affected our choices as an adult is important — can’t change what you don’t even know.
We can’t change other people or the past; all we can do is change is how we let it affect us.
Best advice I ever got.
And owning your own bad behavior goes for exes, too; you can’t point your finger at the ex and say it’s all his or her fault if things went bad. Because, would you give him or her all the credit if things were going great? Yeah, I didn’t think so.
If you spent Mother’s Day just sending the obligatory card or phone call because you don’t get along with your mom, please — do some soul searching today and find compassion and forgiveness. You don’t want to be like Mia — regretting that you didn’t make peace with her while you still could.
- In what ways did your childhood effect your relationships?
- Do you still blame your parent(s) for your behavior today?
- If not, how did you work past it?
- Do you worry about what your kid(s) might blame you for? Do you have idea what it might be?
Photo © Nathalie P – Fotolia.com
Should you read someone’s email or texts?
A cute 30ish couple in the early stages of romance were sitting next to Sean and me at the sushi bar last weekend. As their appetizer plates were being cleared away, the guy excused himself to go to the bathroom.
And then his cell phone — in the pocket of his jacket — started ringing. I could see the woman tense up, and I knew exactly what was going through her mind — who the heck’s calling him at 8:30 on a Saturday night?
She didn’t say anything to him when he came back, but she didn’t have to; the voicemail beeps were enough to alert for him that someone had called. He took the phone out of his pocket, glanced at the missed call number, and placed it back in his pocket without missing a beat. She smiled, a tense smile, the whole time. 
It took less than a few minutes, but I could tell it planted the seed of something that will last a lot longer — relationship insecurity. Haven’t we all been there? Our sweetie gets a call or a text at an unusual hour and our mind starts wandering.
Or perhaps we do more than wander; we look.
Is it ever OK to look at your partner’s cellphone texts or computer emails? Is it ever OK to listen to your partner’s voicemails?
Without permission, of course.
People do it all the time — that’s how Elin caught Tiger and it’s how thousands of other couples did, too. And, that’s how I caught a former boyfriend, and it’s not something I’m particularly proud of.
What makes someone look at or listen to someone else’s private stuff? Curiosity, no doubt, which, according to the old saying “killed the cat.” Yeah, well, looking didn’t kill me, but it did kill the relationship. He didn’t dump me for looking — although that probably was in his right. In any event, he wasn’t too happy about it. But, by looking I suddenly knew too much, although, hey, it was certainly stuff I needed to know — he was cheating on me!
So I dumped him.
Do the ends justify the means?
Didn’t I become just as deceitful as he was by poking around where I had no right to poke?
Why did I look? Probably because I already knew on a subconscious level that something was wrong between us, as most of us do who look or listen. If you look, something — like trust — is missing or something — like insecurities — is present in your relationship. Maybe both.
I swore I’d never do that again because it revealed an ugly side of me that I just didn’t like. I didn’t want to be that person. And, I have kept my word to myself. But that doesn’t mean that my heart hasn’t skipped a beat when Sean’s phone rings at a weird time. Although I’d feel totally OK asking, “who’s that?” But I often don’t. Because I trust. And if somehow, some way I shouldn’t trust anymore, I feel pretty confident it will eventually be revealed without me having to go looking for it.
- Is it ever OK to look at someone else’s text messages or emails, or listen to someone else’s voicemails?
- Have you done it? Has someone done it to you?
Photo © Nevena Kozekova – Fotolia.com
Can women have casual sex like men?
“I’m sad,” Mia said as we sat on her couch sipping some zin.
“Of course you are; you just went through a horrible breakup. It’s going to take time.”
“I know. It’s only been a month. But …”
“Mia, no ‘buts’ about it. Give yourself time to grieve.”
“But, I’m so horny.”
Who said menopausal women lose their libido?
“Well, then call on one of your old FWB standbys.”
“No, I can’t do that.”
“Well, then let’s find you a new one, a young guy. Nothing helps you get over an ex than having a fantastic orgasm with someone new,” I said as I grabbed my laptop and starting typing in “match.com.”
“Kat, I just can’t do casual sex anymore.” 
In truth, I don’t think Mia ever could “do” casual sex. But, I indulged her.
“OK, well then it’s your fingers or your Rabbit.”
“But I really, really want to feel and smell a man, you know?”
I do know. That’s the bummer about being single — all the cuddly parts are missing. It’s forced celibacy, which kind of sucks. So along comes the FWB, NSA, hookup, booty-call mentality. You get the cuddles and then some — one hopes — without having to commit, which comes in awfully handy when all you’re trying to do is get over someone while taking care of some basic needs, too.
We all know men can do it, but can women? As “Sex and the City’s” Carrie Bradshaw asked, “In an age where women enjoy the same money and successes as men, why shouldn’t women be able to enjoy sex like a man?”
I think we should, but not every woman can. Blame it on that damned oxytocin of ours! And if that wasn’t bad enough, we can’t quite shake the judgment and name-calling — can you say slut and cougar — by others and ourselves.
But we’ve all had moments when we wanted to surrender to our desire, when all that mattered was the sensual experience, when we just wanted to feel good. It wasn’t about fulfilling some deeper emotional thing or finding meaningfulness or connection. We just wanted to be f@*ked — in a good way.
- Can women have “sex like a men”?
- Or are we forever slaves to the need for connection?
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