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Oct 31

I am woman, hear me ask for help

Posted on Monday, October 31, 2011 in Advice, Happiness, Honesty, Kat, Men, Relationships, Self image, Women

I was in line at the supermarket when a 30-something woman talking on her cellphone wheeled up behind me; I could hear everything she was saying. She was talking about a breakup, or at least it had all the hallmarks of a specific kind of breakup — she was guessing, second-guessing, making excuses, sounding hopeful and teary-eyed all at once.

It was a “He’s Just Not That Into You” Moment if I ever heard one. And a uniquely gal moment.    

I tried to focus my attention on the magazines at the checkout stand, but those were even more depressing — Cosmo wants to boost my confidence and clue me in on guys’ top sex secrets, O magazine wants to tell me how to try my true calling and how to be beautiful.

I know women can’t be the only ones who have self-doubts, but I don’t think guys obsess about it as much as we do — nor do they have such of barrage of messages coming from all sorts of media. I mean, would a guy ever pick up a book like “Why She Disappeared?” Yet, we have “Why He Disappeared” (written by Evan Marc Katz, whom I admire. Hey, I’ll take relationship advice from a guy over a woman any day!).

Are women innately more insecure than men are? Or, do we seek self-awareness more than men do?

Not to say that men don’t look at themselves and their relationships critically; I’m sure they do. And there’s advice for men out there, too, otherwise you wouldn’t see the thriving PUA movement.

It’s just that most of the self-help and relationship books are geared toward women and we’re scooping them up are like crazy. Would all those “Mars and Venus” books and seminars be around if it weren’t for women? Would Oprah and Dr. Phil be who they are without women? Not a chance!

I don’t think it’s because we’re insecure; I think it’s because women blame ourselves when things go wrong and look to others to help us, while guys try to fix things themselves.

So how can we, uh, fix this? (No, I’m not asking for your advice!) I think we need to teach our daughters to be less other-directed, stop blaming ourselves and give them the knowledge to figure things out for themselves first before looking for help. And we need to teach our sons that there’s nothing unmanly about asking others for help and to create safe places for them to express their emotional vulnerabilities.

OK, now I am asking for your advice:

  • Why do women blame themselves so much?
  • Why would men rather go it alone than ask for help?

 

Aug 15

Is it really that bad to have sex on the first date?

Posted on Monday, August 15, 2011 in dating, Kat, Men, Relationships, Sex/sexuality, Singles, Women

When I saw that my friend Dan had changed his Facebook status to “in a relationship,” I just had to give him a call. But first, I clicked on the profile of the gal he was in a relationship with. Much to my surprise, she looked nothing like I would expect him to be with, based on his former girlfriends. She’s pretty, but in a sweet girl-next-door way.

What had happened to the Dan who always fell for babes who looked like they made their living swinging naked on a pole at the local strip club?

So I called him, and yesterday we meet over some beers.

“Should I be worried about you?” I asked.

“Why? Do I look sick?”

“No. Actually, you look happy.”

“I am happy. I’m in love.”

“But she’d not your type!”     

“Who? Kat, did you …”

So of course I fessed up on my snooping.

“Katy is absolutely my type! She’s sweet and smart and a total babe. You had me pegged all wrong.”

“I had you pegged by what you usually dated — they may have been smart and maybe even sweet but they were way beyond ‘total babes’ — they were, you know, skanky.”

“Well, just like women are drawn to bad boys, we guys are drawn to sluts. We can’t help it. But, no guy wants to to be boyfriend to that. We just want to …”

“Have sex with them.”

“Bingo.”

“So a girl who gives it up on the first date?”

“Uh, probably not the bring-home-to-the parents type. But you know that.”

“But, women don’t trash a guy because he wants to have sex on the first date. We expect a guy’s going to at least try!”

“Guys aren’t woman and women aren’t guys. Thankfully.”

“So, then why do women give it up so easily and dress so trashy?”

“Kat, I think you would know that better than I.”

And he was right, I guess.

Women like to dress provocatively; I know I do. It gets attention from guys, and I like to play up my femininity. But as I age I know there’s a line between looking sexy and looking trashy; older women who try too hard to look young cross that line in a tragic way. You can get away with some trashiness when you’re 20-something, but you actually don’t have to do too much to look sexy at that age; I wish more young women understood that!

But when it comes to sex, I know why some women give it up easily — they just want to have some fun, just like guys do. I’m not going to say it’s empowering — God, I’m really beginning to hate that word! It’s just that some women don’t have any hangups about casual sex. But a whole lot more women do, and they have sex freely and easily because they’re hoping it will lead to a something, probably a relationship. Sometimes it does but not necessarily with someone we want to be with for the long haul. Even if we don’t put out on the first date, Date 3 comes along and …

But, if guys don’t particularly want to have relationships with women who dress like they’re working the street corner and who give it up too soon (and I’m not 100 percent convinced I know when “too soon” is), then why do so many women go the skanky route? If guys like the chase then shouldn’t more women who are interested in having a relationship hold out from having sex with a guy for as long as they can — or at least until they recognize the guy’s not in it just to score?

Of course, if a guy dumps a woman after sleeping with her on the first date, he probably wasn’t too serious about wanting a relationship in the first place. It shouldn’t be a deal-breaker, or should it?

  • Guys, what do you think of women who have sex on the first date?
  • Do you always try to score on Date No. 1?
  • Are skanky women lookers and not keepers?
  • Gals, do you have sex on the first date? Why or why not?
  • Do you dump a guy who tries? Do you have more respect for a guy who doesn’t try?

 

 

 Photo © dimis – Fotolia.com

May 23

Why you might want to date someone your age

Posted on Monday, May 23, 2011 in Aging, dating, Happiness, Honesty, Relationships, Self image

My friend Patty, a 61-year-old divorcee, has a dilemma — a younger person is lusting after her. Younger meaning 52. OK, it’s a dilemma many of us middle-aged divorcees might kill for, but she’s concerned. And so she’s said, “No!”

What’s wrong with this scene? Right – nothing! Well, nothing as far as you and I and maybe hundreds (thousands? millions?) of others can see; what can possibly be wrong with a 52-year-old wanting to be in a relationship — yes, it’s not just about casual sex — with a woman nine years older? 

Patty’s not a cougar; in fact, she’s not the one pursuing (although people throw the “C” word around quite casually nowadays. All you have to do to be called a cougar is be 35-plus and single; not fair!). She really does want to date in her age group, give r take five years either way.

Plus nine years at midlife isn’t such a big deal.

Or is it? As she says:

“I don’t want to date someone younger because when I’m all wrinkled and sagging, I’ll be dumped and then where will I be? I’ll be older and less attractive, and it will be too late for me to find someone new.”

She may have a point. As I get older and the wrinkles and sags make their presence known, I know all too well how the slide from “She’s hot” to “She’s not” sucks. But, that’s if you’re still single and in the dating world, when just getting a guy to notice you is harder, let alone having him want to actually talk to you and discover your irresistible charm and wit, and then want to see you naked and do lovely nasty things to you.

If you’re in a committed relationship with someone, wrinkles and sags shouldn’t even matter anymore — because your partner’s probably right there with you!

Unless, of course, your partner’s nine years younger. Then you have a huge jump on the aging thing.

I wouldn’t want to be with someone who’d start looking at me differently — or start looking at other, younger, women, differently! — as I started to wrinkle and sag. If you’re doing to be in a relationship with someone much older, wrinkles and sags are to be expected!

But, maybe that’s something to consider before you get into a relationship with someone older. You can be picky about who you’re with, but if you start to lose interest in someone older than you because he or she is aging, that does make you seem shallow.

So is Patty smart to reject her young suitor (who’s a woman, by the way)? Or is she denying herself the potential of a loving partner?