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Apr 18

What to do if you’re in a sexless marriage


This should probably go in the What Would Kat Do category, but since that page doesn’t allow comments (as if!), I decided to post it here.

A fan (and I still have problems with that; shall we just call him a reader) recently wrote to me, and after a few back and forths, he agreed to let me tell his story. It isn’t a happy one.

“Jay” is a 46-year-old man, fit (by his definition), kind (ditto), smart (ditto) and, self aware (and given the exchanges we’ve had I’m going to give him the benefit of the doubt on that). Jay isn’t happy because his wife of 20-plus years — whom he loves and with whom he has kids with — is no longer interested in sex. The problem is, Jay is — very much so. In fact, he thinks about sex a lot, especially since it happens so infrequently. And he’s wondering at some point if women lose interest in sex entirely.

Good question, Jay. And the answer is … yes and no.

But, before I get ahead of myself. Let Jay put it in his own words:

Dear Kat:

I’ve been reading your blog for a while now a one thing I really appreciate is that you seem to be a woman who loves and enjoys sex.Boy , do I need to know that exists! It gives me hope that there are middle-aged women (and please don’t take that the wrong way) who still like sex.

The problem is, I’m a middle-aged man who enjoys sex, too — very much. But my wife doesn’t — although she did in our early years — and that has created a lot of stress in our marriage. I’m not ready to give up sex yet, but I can’t seem to get my wife to feel the same way. She’s just not interested in sex — in any variation— but I still am. And I’m attracted to her, even though she’s put on a few pounds; at 45, she looks good.

I asked her to go to couples counseling with me; she says we don’t need it (she suffers from depression, but doesn’t like the way meds make her feel). I asked her to talk to her doctor about it, but she says there’s nothing wrong with her. I’ve tried getting her to watch porn; intimate nights of just touch and cuddling; romancing with candlelight, soft music and her favorite food. I’ve done the “daddy porn” thing — cleaning the house, doing the laundry and taking the kids (11 and 14) out so she can have time alone. You name it, I’ve done it.

Not even a blowjob.

I’m not asking for crazy sex like the “rear door” (not that I’d mind); just the old missionary would be fine.

I don’t want to get a divorce, but short of having an affair , which I’m morally against, and pleasing myself (which I do, but it can only go so far), what can I do? It’s making me feel a little crazy. And very, very frustrated.

Signed: A normal sexual man.

Dear Jay:

Thanks for writing. Wow— that’s one of the saddest stories I’ve heard in a long time. But, you know, not all that uncommon. A lot of women lose interest in sex, but I just don’t understand that! What’s with you gals?

I can tell you that an affair isn’t going to make things better; oh, sure, it will be fun and exciting, but it won’t help your marriage.

But rather than me tell you what to do, Jay, I’ll let my readers — who are infinitely wiser than I am — offer their advice.

Readers, what say you?

Mar 28

Would you marry a sex worker?

Posted on Monday, March 28, 2011 in dating, Happiness, Honesty, Kat, Men, Relationships, Sex/sexuality, Singles, Women

“Do you believe in unconditional love?” Sara asked me as we sat in her hot tub the other night, a welcome respite in between the storms.

“Sure, for my kid.”

“But, what about for Sean, or Rob? Can you have unconditional love for your partner?”

“You should have it, right?”

“Should isn’t can.”

I could tell Sara had an agenda. “OK, what brought this up?”

“Remember I was telling you about that gal Candy I know?”

“Yeah, the waitress.”

“Well, yeah. sort of. Candy works as a waitress but she makes her living stripping. She heads to Vegas about every six weeks, does a weekend of pole and lap dancing and heads home with a wad of cash.”

“No way!”

“Yes, way. And your reaction is exactly the problems — it’s creating all sorts of issues in her love life.”

Well, gee, I wonder why?

She has no trouble meeting men and having sex with them, but it pretty much stops there.

Many men love looking at strippers, escorts and porn stars, and many might want to screw them like crazy. But how many guys (and to be fair, women) want to bring them home to meet the folks and live happily-ever-after with them — especially if they continue to strip? (let’s forget about Jesse James for now).

Wasn’t it Charlie Sheen who said, “I don’t pay hookers for sex; I pay them to leave”?

I’m sure there are many happily partnered people in the sex business. I have a feeling they don’t ask, “How was work today, honey?” But like in “Pretty Woman” (which I hated, BTW), the fantasy is that the hooker becomes a respectable lady when her “prince” rescues her. It isn’t that she continues to turn tricks at the Motel NoTell.

I know it’s usually women who marry hoping men will change, but in this case, I’d imagine most guys would want the little lady to stop parading around naked or having sex with other men for money.

But maybe not. Maybe that’s where unconditional love comes in — can you accept someone for who and what he/she is and does?

Including bumping uglies with other people for pay?

  • Would you date/marry a stripper, hooker or porn star?
  • Would you ask him/her to stop?
  • Why wouldn’t you date/marry a stripper, hooker or porn star?

Photo © Tomasz Wojnarowicz – Fotolia.com

 

 

Jan 31

Can you masturbate too much?

Posted on Monday, January 31, 2011 in Happiness, Honesty, Kat, masturbation, Men, Relationships, Sex/sexuality, teens/teenagers, Women

It was 2 a.m., but I couldn’t sleep. After tossing and turning for what seemed like hours (but was only about a half-hour), I turned on the light and started reading.

That’s when I heard a mini-commotion in The Kid’s room.

“Good Lord; I think I heard The Kid masturbating this morning,” I said to Sara, calling her on my lunch break.

“I’m surprised you haven’t heard him before, given his age,” Sara observed. “Was he doing it to porn?”

“How should I know? I certainly not going to ask him!”

“Well, did you hear any other moaning, like a woman’s?”  

“Not really.”

“Because you know he’s watching it, too.”

“Duh! He’s a guy.”

“Just don’t let him watch too much porn, or no girl will ever satisfy him.”

“Do you really believe that?”

“I do, don’t you?”

I don’t know. My gut (a little looser than usual lately but, hey — it’s a post-holiday gut) says no: How can a guy prefer to watch porn and whack off  instead of having a real-live naked babe writhing all over him? I watch porn and as nice as it is to see hard-bodied men with rather, uh, generous members going at it, I’d much, much rather have a guy with a member of normal size (oh, OK, I’ll accept larger, too) naked in front of me.

So this fear about porn seems silly to me. But now sexuality counselor and author Ian Kerner warns that guys are masturbating way to much, and women are suffering because of it:

(M)en are masturbating 50 to 500% more than they would normally without Internet porn. So if a guy normally masturbated once a day, he might now be doing it two or three times a day. …

(T)oday’s woman faces more challenges to her sexual satisfaction than ever before. An increasing number of men are suffering from a syndrome I’ve dubbed Sexual Attention Deficit Disorder. Just as people with real ADD tend to be easily distracted, guys with SADD have become so accustomed to the high levels of visual novelty and stimulation that Internet porn provides that they’re unable to focus on real sex with a real woman. Men with SADD tend to find themselves getting bored or impatient during sex, and suffering from mechanical “male-functions”: They may be physiologically aroused and even have an erection, but they’re not at peak mental arousal. Guys with SADD may also simply lack the mojo for real sex because they’re depleted from masturbation. They’re not running on a full tank, physically, mentally, and certainly not sexually.

“Depleted from masturbation?” What a great way to be exhausted!

But I’m not sure about this SADD thing. I’ve been bored and impatient during sex from time to time — haven’t we all? That’s why women fake orgasms; they just want the guy to get it over already so they can go to sleep!

My problem with porn addiction isn’t the porn; it’s the addiction. Anything in excess — drinking, drugs, gambling and, yes, porn — is unhealthy. But, it’s the “excess” part that’s unhealthy, not the activity.

So, what’s the “right” amount of porn to watch? 15 minutes a day? A week? And how many times should guys be jacking off? Daily? Weekly? Kerner doesn’t say, and maybe that’s the problem — there’s no right amount for everyone; it depends how it’s impacting your relationships, if it’s impacting your relationships.

At least Kerner gives teen guys a buy; a few times a day isn’t excessive for them, he says. I’m sure The Kid will be relieved.

  • Is porn a big problem fin your relationships?
  • Are men masturbating too much?
  • Are women?
  • Would you rather watch porn and jack off, or have a willing naked person in bed with you?
  • Have you ever been bored and impatient during sex?

© Cristian Ilie Ionesc – Fotolia.com