What would Kat do?
Anyone who’s followed me for a while knows that I’m a fan of online dating. It’s not perfect, but few ways of meeting singles are — it’s just another tool to be used, with smarts. And it’s not for everyone. Newly divorced or separated? Don’t even think about it — you’re just too vulnerable to be able to handle rejection, and yes, you will be rejected, a lot.
Bitter or cynical about it because you haven’t met anyone but weirdos, losers and gold-diggers? You might want to give it a rest for a while; you just can’t hide that attitude, and it’s a downer.
But, whether you like it or not, let’s face it — online dating sites are where many people go to meet people. You can fight it or join it.
As I’ve written about before, I’ve had a few great hookups, a number of interesting dates, a handful of casual dating relationships and two long-term relationships as well as a couple of friendships from online dating sites. 
That doesn’t make me a pro, but it has given me a certain perspective.
So, a reader has written in about a woman he’d like to approach online but he’s worried — how can he stand out? Which gives me the perfect opportunity to launch WWKD, aka What Would Kat Do?
So hop on over to WWKD, and take a peek …
Then, come back here and chime in.
- How do you make yourself stand out online?
- What should you never say?
- What makes you respond to someone or not?
You’ll also find an e-mail I got a long time ago on blogger lust, of all things. Can a 12-step be far behind?
Other ramblings about online dating:
How to read an online profile
“I need your help,” Sara e-mailed me.
“That’s what I’m here for. Dish, girlfriend,” I e-mailed back.
“Please come over tonight and help me look through the latest batch of OKCupid profiles.”
Not quite the evening I had in mind, but since I didn’t have anything in my tired, middle-aged mind, I said OK. If nothing else, reading online profiles is always entertaining.
When I arrived, she’d already bookmarked several potentials.
“I kind of like this guy, Mr. ‘I Believe in Magic.’”
“Are you kidding?” I asked. “You’re going to judge
a guy by his headline, and a cliched one at that?” 
“Well, it’s kind of sweet.”
“Sweet, great. What does he look like?”
“See, Kat. That’s the difference between you and me. You focus on the physical and I go for the big picture.”
“That’s not true! I look at the whole profile.”
“After the picture.”
“Hey, physical matters. That’s the first thing we’d notice if we saw each other on the street.”
“True.”
“Anyway, at least I’m not looking at his income
first.”
“I do, eventually.”
Not me. And it’s just plain weird that dating sites even ask for that; I never revealed mine because
it’s no one’s business! Even my parents don’t know how much I make — why should some 60-year-old from Turlock who thinks I’m Ms. Right (although evidently, PlentyofFish demands it, according to Online Dating Insider)?
But as “shallow” as I may be — or “picky,” if you believe Lori “Marry Him!” Gottlieb — by paying attention to the physical, I wouldn’t be surprised if more women care more about a guy’s income than his picture.
I know a lot of people don’t like online dating or at least feel conflicted by it (like Dad’s House) but, you know what — they’re wrong. Online dating is just another way to meet people. It doesn’t guarantee you anything beyond that, so you have to let go of any expectations. Really, any.
Still, what is it that we’re looking for when we scroll through all the profiles of men we might want to meet? What matters more when we’re looking at an online profile? The headline, like Sara? The profile picture, like me (which, I discovered early, people lie about)? User name, income, height, weight, age, interests, kids/no kids? What he actually says about himself?
Can’t speak for anyone else, but when I was heavy into the online thing, here’s how I approached it, after looking in my general area (25 miles, give or take) and general age (five years younger and older, give or take):
- picture
- what he says about himself
- interests
- height/body type
A cliched headline or user name? It made me grimace but it certainly wasn’t a deal-breaker.
Marital status? Not an issue except if he was newly separated. I was a mess when I was newly separated; he has to be, too. Figure it out first, and then start dating.
Income? Couldn’t care less.
Now, there were times when I loosened my online dating requirements, like for the younger, 6-foot-8 1/2-inch hunk (hey, it was for NSA sex, and I figured all things being equal …) who lived far away (because it was going to be really awkward if we ran into each other at, say, my kid’s soccer game, if you know what I mean).
But, that’s just me.
When you’re looking for love online, what do you care about on someone’s profile?
Photo © Angelika Bentin – Fotolia.com
How I met your mother — or a hookup
Sara looked a little ragged when I picked her up the other day, which was a bum because I was in a pretty good mood and I didn’t want her downer to rub off on me.
But, a friend must do what a friend must do.
“You don’t look so good.”
“That’s because I’m not so good. I’m tired.”
“Well, you should be tired. You’ve been working so hard lately,” I said as supportively as I could.
“Not that kind of tired, although I actually am that kind of tired, too.”
“Uh, then what kind of other tired are you?” I asked, feeling a little tired myself from trying to figure out the nuances of “tired.”
“Tired of going online to meet men. Why can’t
I meet them the old-fashioned way?” 
“The old-fashioned way is in a bar, isn’t it?”
“I guess. but that seems ridiculous now that I’m a little past my college days.”
A little? Not only was she tired, but she was
also delusional. But, I stuck with her, as friends must. It didn’t seem like a good time to rub her
face in her woman-of-a-certain-age reality.
“Well, perhaps you can meet guys at something
you like doing, like a group bike ride or hike or something.”
“Ugh, puh-lease! You know the type of people who do that.”
Sure — it would people just like Sara if everyone didn’t feel the way she does! But, whatever.
“Well, maybe you need to think outside the
box. I hear recovery meetings are the new, uh, bars.”
“Oh, great idea, Kat. I’ll do that, right after I check out the scene at the DUI drunk tank first. Might
as well get them fresh before someone else snags them!”
“It was just a thought,” I sniffed.
Granted, a bad one but I did read it online (which is another topic for another day — what kind of relationship “expert” sends women to AA to meet a guy?) I’m sure even “Marry Him!’s” Lori Gottlieb would agree we wouldn’t be too picky if we didn’t look for Mr. Good Enough there.
But, it is a problem; where do you meet singles, especially when you’re middle-aged and in the ‘burbs?
When I was younger, I met people in all sorts of places — dance clubs, gyms, standing in line, on an airplane, bars. When you’re young, you don’t have to work too hard. You just have to have a pulse.
Now? A pulse is not enough.
I’m a fan of online dating sites, especially for us boomers, although I know many singles aren’t. It’s just another option, not a guarantee. I met Sean online, and a lot of the other guys I’d dated in recent years. A few I met in bars and music clubs. I met one guy on a ski slope, and one while walking Roxy on a hiking trail. I even had a Missed Connection date (and it should have remained “missed,” too). The most unusual place — literally bumping into him in a hotel lobby.
So, in the spirit of V-Day (yeah, yeah, yeah — I know I rag on it), please share the oddest or most memorable place you met someone and either dated or had a hookup; given the advice of the experts — really, a recovery program? — I’m sure you have much to share.
And, happy V-Day.
Photo © microimages – Fotolia.com
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