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Nov 15

Kat Von D, my turkey and believing we’re different

Posted on Tuesday, November 15, 2011 in Affairs/infidelity, Celebrities, Honesty, Kat, love, Relationships

I’m not sure why this somehow didn’t register with me before, but yesterday is when I realized for the first time that Thanksgiving is next week. Which meant I had to order a turkey — ASAP.

Holidays like Thanksgiving, where there are certain culinary expectations, means you have to detailed plans; what gets picked up when, what gets cooked first, etc. No one wants to deal with the crowds at the supermarket on the day before, so I ordered mine to be picked up on Tuesday — as if I am the only person who would think of that. Somehow, I have a feeling Tuesday will be as crowded — if not more — than Wednesday. Too late.

People are funny that way; we are predictably irrational, as MIT professor Dan Ariely says. 

Which is what I think about tattoo artist Kat Von D’s reaction to the discovery that her ex-fiancee, Jesse James, cheated on her with 19 women in the past year of their on-again, off-again engagement.

Because given his history, you’d want to ask her, what were you thinking? Everyone else was thinking once a cheater, always a cheater.

Although, how many of us date or marry people who cheated on their spouse to be with us? Well, lots of us. What does that say about us?

Few people in online comments have been kind to Kat — in fact, most are downright cruel (of course, so many people aren’t kind in online comments, period!). If they aren’t shaming her, they’re asking, How could you think you were different than anyone else?

Beside the tats, that is.

But, of course we all feel like we’re different than everyone else to a certain extent or in certain situations: We’re never going to be the one who gets cancer, even though we smoke. We’re not going to get a DUI, even though we drive home after a three-martini happy hour. We don’t keep emergency supplies ready even though we live in quake-ridden Bay Area and The Big One is due. And we’ll avoid the crowds at Thanksgiving by picking up our turkey on Tuesday, not Wednesday.

Are we stupid? In denial? Irrational? All of the above and more?

I do not totally convinced of the adage “Once a cheater, always a cheater.” Depending on what drove a person to cheat, I think some people can change; I did.

I am pretty sure we’re capable of cheating on someone we truly love.

I am positively certain that we rationalize a lot of our actions because we actually believe we are different than everyone else.

What about you?

Oh, and see you at the supermarket …

Jan 17

How honest are online dating profiles?

Posted on Monday, January 17, 2011 in Advice, dating, Honesty, Kat, Men, Relationships, Self image, Singles

“I need you,” Sara said with a certain sense of urgency on the cell phone.

“I just love when someone says that to me, but, you know, usually a guy.”

“Well, perhaps you just need to broaden your perspective, Kat.”

“Ha! What’s up?”

I’m ready to try online dating again. Help me come up with a profile.”

And that’s how I found myself on a recent weeknight at Sara’s house, each of us in front of our laptops, some hummus and a glass of wine looking at the profiles of other 46- to 52-year-old women to see what Sara was up against. No  problem with a SexyMama smackdown,  but Cook4U (she’s cute, too) could
be problematic.

“OK, so, what’s your philosophy on life?”

“You know it — every day’s a blessing.”

“Sara, you can’t say
that. I mean, you just can’t. What a cliche!”

“But, it’s the truth! You know that’s me.”

And it is Sara, 100 percent. So are these
energetic, bubbly, fun-loving, loves to travel, lives life to the fullest, good friend,
. Yet she just can’t say any of that on an online profile. Well, actually she could, but I would never tell her to do that. Because it wouldn’t work in her favor. At all. It’s a total turnoff and people read more into a simple statement — “loves to take off on spontaneous trips” could mean high maintenance.

And as we went though the rest of Sara’s dating profile — interests, movies, etc. — I realized that there was a lot of things she just couldn’t say. Or she could, but …


That’s the weird thing about online dating — you can’t be totally honest.

And coming from an online dating fan who couldn’t even care less about a guy’s cliche online dating username or header — let alone his income —  that’s saying a lot.

Most people think online profile dishonesty is about age or using old pictures. But even if you’re trying to describe yourself honestly, there are certain … buzzwords … that make someone sound inauthentic. If you truly are comfortable in jeans or jammie pants while watching a DVD on the couch and also happen to be totally comfortable in a LBD (that’s little black dress, for you guys) and f-me heels (self-explanatory?) at a social event — as I am — well, do you actually say that? No, of course not!

Even though it’s the truth.

Kinda weird.

Unless you look at creating an online profile as a challenge, which it really is. It forces you to say those things but in a more creative way. And, when you think about it, it forces you to think about yourself in a more creative way, too. That’s not so bad.

But for the people who aren’t able to do that, it’s all about the picture. Or is it all about the picture regardless?

  • What do you pay attention to in an online dating profile?
  • What words turn you off or on?
  • How do you describe yourself online?

Photo © Milan Stanic –

Aug 5

A Kat Wilder sex tape?

Posted on Thursday, August 5, 2010 in dating, Kat, Relationships, Sex/sexuality

“So, did you hear that what’s her face made a sex tape?” Sara said.

“Who, Miley?

“No, you know,” Sara said, hoping my middle-aged brain would know what hers obviously couldn’t remember.

“Lady Gaga?”

“No, Gaga’s celibate, remember?”

“Oh, right,” I said halfheartedly because, honestly, I have no interest in celebrities. But I tossed out every name I could think of because that’s what good friends have to do sometimes. “Lindsay? Paris? Angelina? Kate? Heidi?”

“Fishburne!” Sara said with a new-found confidence in her brain. “Montana Fishburne. Yeah, she says it helped that Kardashian girl become famous.”         

“There are, like, 500 Kardashians, and I couldn’t tell one from the other, thankfully. But, what exactly did it help her become famous at? Screwing?

“If Ashleigh made a sex tape, I’d disown her,” Sara said, skirting the issue. “What about you?”

“I would be very surprised if there was a sex tape of Trent floating out there. I don’t even think the poor kid’s gotten laid yet.”

“No, I mean you. Have you made a sex tape?”

“Me? No way! I mean, I think I haven’t.”

“Kat, I would think you’d pretty much know if you did, don’t you?”

Yeah, one would think. But with the technology nowadays, when you’re goofing around with a boyfriend, you never really know what’s going on — or where it will end up — do you?

Like the time I was over Ryan’s house, the somewhat geeky dot-com entrepreneur I dated for a while. We’d slipped into his bed and I noticed there was an eerie light coming from his bedroom closet.

“What’s that” I asked, snuggling under the covers.

“Just some things I have plugged in.”

“Oh,” I said, trying to sound cool with it; he was a techie, after all. But I couldn’t help but wonder why the closet door was slightly ajar.

So I called him on it.

“Are you filming us having sex?”

“No, why?” he said, with just a bit of huffiness in his voice.

I didn’t want to make an issue of it, so I decided to get on with the evening’s, uh, agenda.

When that relationship ended, I started seeing Van. One day, after making a lovely meal together, we got naked and made our way to his hot tub when he began to hoist his movie camera onto a tripod.

“What are you doing?”

“I thought it would be fun to watch us on the TV.”

“You’re not going to film us!”

“No, just projecting us,” he said as he kissed me with his soft lips, which just made me melt, and I didn’t think too much about it.

Until now.

Do I expect to find my naked body gyrating on the Internet for anyone to see … and for free?

Hell no!

And now I feel kind of foolish for not paying a little bit more attention — and also for not fully trusting Ryan and Van.

Not that a have a problem with porn.

Anyone who’s read this blog knows I’m no prude!

I certainly wouldn’t have any objection to making a home porn tape with my lover either, as long as the emphasis was on home, as in staying at home.

And it got destroyed if we broke up.

But having it go viral?

No thank you, even if it meant I’d be “famous.” I can think of other ways I’d seek fame.

However, when I watched that sex tape of Colin Farrell and Nicole Narain, I just couldn’t help thinking, “What a lame blow job — even I can do better than that.” (Ah, if only Colin would give me a chance!)

Hmm, maybe I’m missing my true calling …

  • Have you made home porn?
  • Ever worry if you’ll find it on the Internet?

Photo © Maciej Mamro –