I’m digging those good vibrations

The way things happen around my house is the way things happen when celebrities hit the dust — in threes.

First, my CD player was flipping out, then the kitchen grinder became useless and then  — at the most inopportune time — I fried my B.O.B.

You can probably guess which upset me the most.

So, I had to take care of it as soon as possible, which would have been immediately but there were other silly things — oh, like work, a school event, seeing my tax accountant — that I had to attend to first.
I just hate when life gets in the way of the fun parts.

By the time I had a moment to breathe, the odd phenomenon that often hits women kicked in. I got a call from Mia. She and I were in sync — but since we’re menopausal, it wasn’t about our periods.

“Hey, I have to go to Pleasures. My vibrator’s on the fritz. Wanna come?”

“Are you serious? I was just going to head over there because I fried mine weeks ago and I’m desperate. There’s just so much I can ask of my fingers.”

“Good,” she said. “I’ll see you in 10.”

Now, I haven’t bought a vibrator in a while,
so when I walked in and saw all the choices, it was quite overwhelming. It felt a little like the first time I tried online dating — this one’s awfully cute but that one’s bigger and stronger, this one’s built for speed but that one looks like a, uh, multitasker.

I was confused (especially by the ones that are shaped like animals; since when is gopher a turn-on?)

“So, which one are leaning toward?” I asked Mia.

“I want one that hits all the right spots. You?”

All the spots?  My old vibrator was a basic Pocket Rocket. I like the simplest, most straight-forward one, one that get the job done quickly so I can get on to other things, like sleep, without having every part of me stimulated. The last thing I want to do is have an orgy of one.

“Um, I think I want something simple, something Sean and I can play with together.”

“Really? Doesn’t he get upset if you have to bring in ammo?”

“What do you mean?”

“Isn’t he jealous of your vibrator?”

Jealous of my vibrator? No, he isn’t, thankfully, nor is it a matter of “have to.” But I got what Mia was saying — some guys get really tweaked if their woman has a selection of vibrating, pulsating sex toys.

Why?

Could it have anything to do with, oh, say, length, girth, endurance …

Ahem.

Still, I don’t know of a woman who would choose a B.O.B. over a man, ever, despite all the jokes: “vibrators are never too busy watching the game on TV; it doesn’t leave a mess behind; it doesn’t care that you gained 10 pounds; it doesn’t fall asleep and snore in your ear afterward: when we’re done with them we can stuff them back in the drawer and not hear from them until we’re ready,” etc.

OK, yes — vibrators are great. Can’t orgasm through intercourse? No problem! And for single gals, it’s what helps us stay sane during the dry spells without having to rely on booty-calls, especially if we feel conflicted about them. They’re an essential part of being sexual beings, not to mention that they just make us feel so good!

But jealous? Look, we’re not going to get “addicted”; it doesn’t mean you’re not man enough for us; and no, we’re going to permanently replace you with a Magic Wand. Still, when even Men’s Health offers tips on how to “outperform her vibrator,” a woman’s got to wonder — is this really an issue for guys?

Because I can guarantee you, we gals aren’t losing any sleep over blow-up dolls. Or your right hand.

In the end, I came home with a Pocket Rocket again; it’s small but powerful, and you know what they say — it’s not about size, but how you use it.

And that’s what I was planning to do later that night when the phone rang; it was Sean.

“What are you up to?”

“Mia and I both got new vibrators today, and I was just about to give mine a test run.”

“Can I watch?”

See, men do like vibrators after all!

• Guys, how do you feel about vibrators?
• Gals, have a favorite model (or two)?
• Gals, ever have a guy freak about your sex toys?