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May 30

Have you lost interest in sex?

Posted on Monday, May 30, 2011 in Aging, Happiness, masturbation, Men, Relationships, Sex/sexuality, Singles, Women

Sara looked annoyed when we met early for a hike yesterday morning.

“What’s with you Ms. Sour Pus? I believe I’m the one who got out of bed that had a lovely naked man in it so we can hike.”

“The month’s almost over …”

“I know! Where does the time go? It’s, like, almost summer.”

“… and I barely hit my quota.”

“Quota? At work? What are you talking about, girlfriend?”

“May is masturbation month.”

“I know that, but I didn’t realize we had to jack off a certain amount before the month ends.”

“You don’t; I do.”

“You’re not making sense.”

“I made a promise to myself that I’d masturbate at least four times a week this month because, well, because I just haven’t been feeling it lately.”

“Uh, what exactly aren’t you feeling?”

“Sexual. I’m just not that interested in sex anymore, and it’s freaking me out.”

Yeah, I’d be freaked out, too! No interest in sex, especially if you’re not married — not that being married should make you less horny but familiarity after 10, 15, 20 years does tend to put a damper on things. But for a single woman — an actively dating single woman — to lose her sex drive? What’s that about?

I’m sure men lose their sex drive, too, from time to time, although there appears to be a rash of men who are masturbating too much (which in a way could be good because it takes the pressure off of all those women like Sara who might need some sexual readjustment time). Still, a lot of women lose interest in sex for good around menopause, in part because our hormones change and it’s like fighting biology.

Of course feeling sexual isn’t just about wanting to have sex — it’s fantasizing and thinking sexually even if you don’t intend to act on it. And, for women, desire is so intertwined with intimacy — something single people don’t always have.

But to totally lose interest in sex — the best free entertainment/stress-reliever/intimacy-builder around — is scary!

  • Have you ever lost your sex drive?
  • How’d you get your sexual mojo back?
  • Or, have you given up on sex?

Photo © painless – Fotolia.com

Jan 31

Can you masturbate too much?

Posted on Monday, January 31, 2011 in Happiness, Honesty, Kat, masturbation, Men, Relationships, Sex/sexuality, teens/teenagers, Women

It was 2 a.m., but I couldn’t sleep. After tossing and turning for what seemed like hours (but was only about a half-hour), I turned on the light and started reading.

That’s when I heard a mini-commotion in The Kid’s room.

“Good Lord; I think I heard The Kid masturbating this morning,” I said to Sara, calling her on my lunch break.

“I’m surprised you haven’t heard him before, given his age,” Sara observed. “Was he doing it to porn?”

“How should I know? I certainly not going to ask him!”

“Well, did you hear any other moaning, like a woman’s?”  

“Not really.”

“Because you know he’s watching it, too.”

“Duh! He’s a guy.”

“Just don’t let him watch too much porn, or no girl will ever satisfy him.”

“Do you really believe that?”

“I do, don’t you?”

I don’t know. My gut (a little looser than usual lately but, hey — it’s a post-holiday gut) says no: How can a guy prefer to watch porn and whack off  instead of having a real-live naked babe writhing all over him? I watch porn and as nice as it is to see hard-bodied men with rather, uh, generous members going at it, I’d much, much rather have a guy with a member of normal size (oh, OK, I’ll accept larger, too) naked in front of me.

So this fear about porn seems silly to me. But now sexuality counselor and author Ian Kerner warns that guys are masturbating way to much, and women are suffering because of it:

(M)en are masturbating 50 to 500% more than they would normally without Internet porn. So if a guy normally masturbated once a day, he might now be doing it two or three times a day. …

(T)oday’s woman faces more challenges to her sexual satisfaction than ever before. An increasing number of men are suffering from a syndrome I’ve dubbed Sexual Attention Deficit Disorder. Just as people with real ADD tend to be easily distracted, guys with SADD have become so accustomed to the high levels of visual novelty and stimulation that Internet porn provides that they’re unable to focus on real sex with a real woman. Men with SADD tend to find themselves getting bored or impatient during sex, and suffering from mechanical “male-functions”: They may be physiologically aroused and even have an erection, but they’re not at peak mental arousal. Guys with SADD may also simply lack the mojo for real sex because they’re depleted from masturbation. They’re not running on a full tank, physically, mentally, and certainly not sexually.

“Depleted from masturbation?” What a great way to be exhausted!

But I’m not sure about this SADD thing. I’ve been bored and impatient during sex from time to time — haven’t we all? That’s why women fake orgasms; they just want the guy to get it over already so they can go to sleep!

My problem with porn addiction isn’t the porn; it’s the addiction. Anything in excess — drinking, drugs, gambling and, yes, porn — is unhealthy. But, it’s the “excess” part that’s unhealthy, not the activity.

So, what’s the “right” amount of porn to watch? 15 minutes a day? A week? And how many times should guys be jacking off? Daily? Weekly? Kerner doesn’t say, and maybe that’s the problem — there’s no right amount for everyone; it depends how it’s impacting your relationships, if it’s impacting your relationships.

At least Kerner gives teen guys a buy; a few times a day isn’t excessive for them, he says. I’m sure The Kid will be relieved.

  • Is porn a big problem fin your relationships?
  • Are men masturbating too much?
  • Are women?
  • Would you rather watch porn and jack off, or have a willing naked person in bed with you?
  • Have you ever been bored and impatient during sex?

© Cristian Ilie Ionesc – Fotolia.com

May 13

M is for mother and masturbation


As my dog Roxy and I took a Mother’s Day hike together — her “gift” to me, I suppose — I chucked to myself that we moms get one day out of the year to ourselves while the big M — masturbation — gets a whole month.

You have to wonder who decided that and why!

Not that I’m complaining.

In fact, I’m all for it (although the poor restaurants can’t cash in much: “Mom, I’d sure like to take you to brunch, but you’re going to have to stop what you’re doing in there long enough to eat …” Nor can Hallmark, but there’s always some creative company that will.)

Beside the fact that masturbation just feels so damn good (and guys, even if you’d rather we gals “use” you instead of our vibrators and fingers, trust me: you benefit big time by it because it helps us figure out what pleases us and what doesn’t. Want us to orgasm? Let us play with ourselves!), it might also mean there are less mothers celebrating Mother’s Day.
Given the latest news from Pew, that might be a
very good thing.   

Evidently, 47 percent of parents say having a baby “just happened.”

Not surprisingly, given the increase in single gals having babies, it’s mostly women who say that when explaining how they got knocked up the first time.

The Pill just marked its 50th year, and although it and other birth control methods aren’t foolproof
and accidents do happen — really, almost half of the pregnancies “just happened”?

I think not!

Because every time you have sex, you’re basically making a baby — unless you’re doing something to prevent it, like using condoms.

Whether you think like Ann Coulter (shudder), that single moms create “criminals, strippers, rapists
and murderers,”
or not, I just can’t imagine that 47 percent of people aren’t giving the biggest decision of their live a little more thought.

I mean, do we end up driving a Lexus SUV instead of a VW Beetle because it “just happened”?

I know women who give more thought to buying a pair of jeans. Or their hair color.

I have to agree with author and Evergreen State College professor Stephanie Coontz that we can’t “(shoehorn) everyone back into marriages” because “very often kids do worse if their mother rushes into a marriage that may be unstable.”

You bet! Who needs more dysfunctional divorced parents and their troubled kids mulling around? Don’t we have enough, and I include my own somewhat troubled divorced family in that.

But, please convince me that people who view having a baby as something that “just happens” are ready to be parents. I would hope that any person, male or female, would be just a little more prepared than that. Actually, I’d hope they’d be a helluva lot more prepared than that!

So, gals, please start taking National Masturbation Month (a whole month!) to heart more than Mother’s Day; honestly, it’s just a Hallmark Day.

Yeah, you don’t get brunch and a handmade card, but you don’t get knocked up, either.

  • What do you think about 47 percent of pregnancies “just happening”?
  • How’s Masturbation Month going for you?

Photo © krasispektar – Fotolia.com