Is marriage dead?
“This is disgusting!” Sara said as she shoved a People magazine in front of me.
“So then why do you keep reading that stupid magazine?”
“Not the magazine; I love People! I mean, the wedding.”
“You mean Kim Kardashian’s?”
“Well, duh!”
“Look, it may be bordering on obscene how much they spent on it …”
“Over the top!”
” … and it’s doubtful they’ll last a year …” 
“Oh, they’ll last longer than that. She has to have the baby bump first. Then they’ll divorce.”
” … but with everyone predicting marriage is dead, at least they don’t think so. They could have just lived together.”
“That’s not a marriage — it’s a photo op!”
I have no idea if Kim and new hubby Kris Humphries really love each other or not — and honestly, I don’t really care (although I would hope so if they’re going to have kids one day). They were smart to sign a prenup (and she makes a lot more than he does), although I’d imagine any breakup that involved a Kardashian would involve a lot of drama, prenup or not. And maybe Sara’s right; maybe it’s all for show (and media endorsements), like a reality TV show somehow got confused with reality. But everyone keeps talking about how marriage is dead and that no one needs it anymore, yet couples keep getting married — more than 2 million a year. The same it’s been for years.
We don’t have to marry anymore. People may still give look down upon divorce but it’s so common that it’s almost expected; so is cohabitation. But, just look at how gaga we get over something Prince William and Kate Middleton’s wedding, and Kim and Kris’.It’s like we still want to believe in the happily-ever-after part even though we know it rarely ends up that way.
So if half of those marriages end up in divorce (and many men complain about they hate paying spousal support), and who-knows-how-many are married but cheating, and choice moms are having babies with sperm donors (who needs a husband if you can just have a kid?), and more people are living together … you have to wonder why people still get married.
Can it be that we just love the idea of marriage more than the actual reality of it?
I wish Kim and Kris and anyone else who’s tying the knot the best. Hopefully, they’ve given a lot of thought into picking the right partner, especially if they hope to have kids one day. I’m quite done with marriage myself — one wedding was enough! — but I sure do like re-creating honeymoon nights …
- Is marriage irrelevant?
- Why did you get married?
- If you married again, would it be for the same reason or something else?
Photo © Angelika Bentin – Fotolia.com
Do you have to work on a marriage?
Our kids were with their dads yesterday, but as Sara and I hiked up Mt. Tam and then had a post-hike iced tea downtown we were surrounded by young couples and their adorable but mostly boisterous kids. I was exhausted just watching them.
“Remember those days?” I asked.
“Remember? I’m still trying to catch up on my sleep from those days.”
“Yeah, but the couples look so happy, so full of promise.”
“They look tired to me.”
“That’s because you’re jaded.”
“No, that’s because I’m honest.”
“Remember when we were that happy?”
“Were we that happy? Are they really happy? Marriage is a lot of work.” 
Marriage is a lot of something, but why do we think it’s work? Work is work, school is work, and while both of those are rewarding, marriage is a bit different, right?
Marriage is about love, intimacy, sex — or at least it should. That sounds like a lot more fun than it is work.
Well, maybe we say it’s work because if we’re
not constantly paying attention to it and tweaking things, it will slide into Groundhog
Day boredom and, eventually, divorce. But, is that inherent in the institution of marriage itself, or is that just how we approach it?
Isn’t that what we agreed to when we said we’d love, honor and cherish our partner. That means it’s just part of the marriage package, understood, accepted and embraced.
Making marriage work takes a lot of the fun out of it — maybe that’s why marriage is getting such a bad rap lately.
On the other hand, maybe having a job description and yearly reviews might make everyone’s expectations clearer. Life is always easier when we know what we’re supposed to do!
But maybe it’s naive of us to think — or demand — that marriage has to keep fulfilling all our dreams and expectations. We don’t continually ask that of our work, although we could always get a better job that pays more and offers new challenges (not lately, of course). Could it be that marriage could just be?
- Do you consider marriage work?
- Is that good or bad?
- Can working on a marriage make it better?
- Can a marriage survive without working on it.
- How much work is the right amount?
Photo © Paul Retherford – Fotolia.com
What to do if you’re in a sexless marriage
This should probably go in the What Would Kat Do category, but since that page doesn’t allow comments (as if!), I decided to post it here.
A fan (and I still have problems with that; shall we just call him a reader) recently wrote to me, and after a few back and forths, he agreed to let me tell his story. It isn’t a happy one.
“Jay” is a 46-year-old man, fit (by his definition), kind (ditto), smart (ditto) and, self aware (and given the exchanges we’ve had I’m going to give him the benefit of the doubt on that). Jay isn’t happy because his wife of 20-plus years — whom he loves and with whom he has kids with — is no longer interested in sex. The problem is, Jay is — very much so. In fact, he thinks about sex a lot, especially since it happens so infrequently. And he’s wondering at some point if women lose interest in sex entirely.
Good question, Jay. And the answer is … yes and no.
But, before I get ahead of myself. Let Jay put it in his own words:
Dear Kat:
I’ve been reading your blog for a while now a one thing I really appreciate is that you seem to be a woman who loves and enjoys sex.Boy , do I need to know that exists! It gives me hope that there are middle-aged women (and please don’t take that the wrong way) who still like sex.
The problem is, I’m a middle-aged man who enjoys sex, too — very much. But my wife doesn’t — although she did in our early years — and that has created a lot of stress in our marriage. I’m not ready to give up sex yet, but I can’t seem to get my wife to feel the same way. She’s just not interested in sex — in any variation— but I still am. And I’m attracted to her, even though she’s put on a few pounds; at 45, she looks good.
I asked her to go to couples counseling with me; she says we don’t need it (she suffers from depression, but doesn’t like the way meds make her feel). I asked her to talk to her doctor about it, but she says there’s nothing wrong with her. I’ve tried getting her to watch porn; intimate nights of just touch and cuddling; romancing with candlelight, soft music and her favorite food. I’ve done the “daddy porn” thing — cleaning the house, doing the laundry and taking the kids (11 and 14) out so she can have time alone. You name it, I’ve done it.
Not even a blowjob.
I’m not asking for crazy sex like the “rear door” (not that I’d mind); just the old missionary would be fine.
I don’t want to get a divorce, but short of having an affair , which I’m morally against, and pleasing myself (which I do, but it can only go so far), what can I do? It’s making me feel a little crazy. And very, very frustrated.
Signed: A normal sexual man.
Dear Jay:
Thanks for writing. Wow— that’s one of the saddest stories I’ve heard in a long time. But, you know, not all that uncommon. A lot of women lose interest in sex, but I just don’t understand that! What’s with you gals?
I can tell you that an affair isn’t going to make things better; oh, sure, it will be fun and exciting, but it won’t help your marriage.
But rather than me tell you what to do, Jay, I’ll let my readers — who are infinitely wiser than I am — offer their advice.
Readers, what say you?
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