Should you be friends with the ex?
Sean and I went out to dinner at D’Angelo’s on Friday night and as we walked in, I saw Sara sitting with a guy at the bar. I thought she was maybe giving Yoga Man another try, but when we walked up to her and he turned around, I recognized his face right away — it was Gabe, a guy she had a hot an heavy thing with a few years ago before they parted ways.
After some small talk and a round of drinks, we headed to our table and they headed to the movies. But as soon as Sean left the my house the next morning, I called her.
“What in the world are you doing with Gabe? You guys seeing each other again?”
“No, we’re just friends, why?”
“I thought that whole thing ended badly.”
“Not really. We weren’t great lovers but we were always really good friends. So, we get together every now and then. Aren’t you friends with your exes?” 
Actually, no. I’m not friends with most of my ex-boyfriends. Oh, I tried. Most of us have had the “We can still be friends” talk, although whoever says that is usually trying to make the person he or she’s dumping feel better. Sorry, it doesn’t work!
There have been a handful of exes I kept in contact with for a while because I enjoyed them as people and a few as lust objects. But all good intentions to remains friends eventually disappeared when it seemed clear that:
- they still had feelings
- I still had feelings
- a new love was getting tweaked about them
- we had nothing in common anymore except the fact that we once exchanged bodily fluids
And sometimes we lost the connection because I have just X-amount of free time available, and given my priorities — The Kid, Sean, my girlfriends, my family – and the realities of work and single parenting, I just didn’t have a lot of time and energy to keep those relationships going.
Which can seem kind of weird, especially if you were seeing each other for a while and had a deep connection. And then one day — poof — just like that, you no longer communicate. Still, breakups are rarely happy, pretty things — there’s almost always a lot of crying and Ben & Jerry’s and booze involved.
But for those who do maintain friendships with exes, you have to be pretty clear about why you’re remaining friends. It’s totally OK if you genuinely like each other as people and no longer feel the spark, but if it’s not that, well, what is it?
You better have that figured out, too, because when a new love comes along, you’ll have some ‘splain’ to do. And you’re unsure why you still are friends, then you may find yourself maintaining the friendship on the sly. I’m not sure we have to tell our partner everything, but if you’re not it’s a good idea to understand why you’re not. Even if you do invite an ex to join you and a new love, it can be awkward — you’ve seen each other naked, after all!
So, am I friends with my exes? Not really. The only ex I keep in contact with is Rob, The Kid’s dad — because I have to. But we are hardly friends; we’re just friendly. And I imagine that once The Kid moves out, marries and has kids, Rob and I will only communicate with each other at family celebrations — and nothing like in the movie “It’s Complicated,” either (whose message is, ex-hubby is unhappy with present wife and cheats on her to be with wife he cheated on. Hmmm …).
- Are you friends with your exes?
- Why/why not?
- If so, how have your new loves felt about that?
It’s not OK to stare
It was hard not to notice the new barista. He had shocking blue hair, a few piercings dotting his face — nose, eyebrows, chin — colorful tattoo sleeves, and gigantic Maori-like bone earrings dangling from his overly stretched earlobes.
Now, I’m old enough and live close enough to San Francisco where few things shock me, but I couldn’t help but overhear the yummy mummy in line behind me whispering to her young son something about “not staring.”
It reminded me of that time in my life when my “wheels” were on a wheelchair; kids and adults stared, smiled and generally fussed over me because … well, I’m not sure why, exactly. Because I was “different”?
Yummy mummy is right of course — it isn’t polite to stare. But give that boy about 10 more years and he’ll most likely be staring at the developing breasts of his female schoolmates and no one will be telling him to stop, including Mom (and probably not Dad, who might be staring, too). 
And it’s a behavior that’s likely to last him throughout his adulthood (although no doubt some woman — like a girlfriend or wife — will eventually, perhaps repeatedly, tell him to stop ogling).
So, let’s get this straight: It’s not OK to stare at the “different” among us — the disfigured, the disabled, the obese (although, they’re more the norm than the oddity nowadays) or the intentionally freakish like Mr. Barista — but it’s OK to stare at women.
How come?
I think I remember some Brit study that said guys spend about 43 minutes ogling women — make that about 10 women — a day (a number that obviously does not include porn watching and fantasies), totaling 11 days a year.
This is either an incredible waste of time or not nearly enough, depending on your viewpoint.
But, you have to wonder – are women somehow “different” just because we have breasts (uh, well, some of us!) and curves? (OK, this might be a big “doh.”) Or is it because, well, what do we expect if we wear a tight shirt, a short skirt and some f-me stiletto black boots?
Not to say that I’m not flattered if a man comments on how I look or, yes, gazes at me approvingly. I think most of us are OK with that (including men who appreciate a woman’s glowing glance). And, yes — if the man doing the looking happens to be attractive I’m much more open to it than if he’s not. I know that’s not fair, but I think we all want to be noticed by the people we want to notice us, not every Tom, Dick and Harry.
But, there are times when I really didn’t want to be looked at “that way.” Sometimes staring crosses a line. I’m pretty sure almost every woman has felt the kind of stares that come dangerously close to making us feel threatened, or the kind that say that we were “asking for it,” whatever that “it” is. Being looked at that way never feels good.
How many men — disfigured, disabled, obese or intentionally freakish — can say the same?
- Gals, do you like being stared at by men?
- Do you dress or primp yourself in ways to get stares?
- What about those uncomfortable stares?
- Guys, are you blowing 43 minutes (more or less) a day checking out babes?
- If parents admonish kids that it’s “not polite to stare,” should they also being teaching their sons not to ogle girls?
photo © Maria Iglesias – Fotolia.com
Learning how to flirt
After meditating and dropping out of the world for a while, I was in need of a few things. (Get your mind out of the gutter … although, sure, I managed to squeak that in). So Mia, Sara and I headed to our favorite watering spot and ordered a few glasses of our fave cab.
Nothing felt better than being around my gal-friends and indulging in the smooth taste of the wine; it didn’t hurt that the guy sitting next to us was lovely eye candy.
“Don’t look now, but did you get a peek at Mr. Immediately to Your Right, reading a book?” Mia whispered.
“I’m all over it,” Sara said.
“He’s alone,” I observed. “And ringless.”
After about 15 minutes of girl chat and a half a glass in me, I felt my mojo come back. So when the moment seemed right, I turned in Eye Candy’s direction, acting as if I were searching for someone — and catching a brief look at his book (Jonathan Franzen’s “Freedom”) — when our eyes briefly met. I smiled. He smiled back.
Game on!
So I went for it.
“How are you enjoying ‘Freedom’?” I asked.
“Very entertaining. I see a lot of myself in there.”
“Richard or Walter?”
“What do you think?”
And that’s how Eye Candy — Ron, actually — joined Sara, Mia and me for a rousing discussion of love, life, kids, marriage, freedom and sex. All the while, I was
thinking I
was the wing woman. 
But I was the only one who thought that, evidently.
“You know,” Sara said the next day as we power-walked Roxy to the dog park, “you really pissed me off last night.”
“I did? Why?”
“You were flirting with Ron, the only attractive
single man in the bar.”
“We all were flirting with him,” I insisted.
“Yeah, but you really shouldn’t be, you know?”
“Why? I was just joining in the fun. What’s
wrong with that? You know I’m a flirt, but I don’t mean anything by it.”
“You and Mia have boyfriends, and I don’t. Women who have partners shouldn’t flirt, especially if they’re out with their single friends who are looking.”
I was about to get all defensive, but I stopped myself and apologized. “Sorry, Sara. I’m glad you told me. I’ll try to be more aware next time.”
But later that night, I wondered — if you’re out
with a single friend or friends, is it wrong to flirt
if you’re attached and your friends aren’t?
As I’ve admitted before, I’m a shameless flirt, but an innocent one. My flirting has no intention attached — unless, of course, I’m unattached and available. No reason to be innocent then (well, if it’s someone I’m interested in).
When I’m in a relationship, as I am now, I don’t believe I have to give up my flirtatious ways. Being in a committed relationship doesn’t mean I have to get all asexual and stop interacting with the world in a playful way. Still, Sara’s word’s stay with me:
“Women who have partners shouldn’t flirt, especially if they’re out with their single friends.”
So, I defer to my readers, who often prove infinitely wiser than I:
- Should attached gals/guys no longer flirt?
- Or, is it OK to flirt if they’re alone but not OK if they’re out with single friends?
- And, finally — is this only how women would react, or would guys get all tweaked, too?
Photo © maron – Fotolia.com
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