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Jul 18

Is a threesome one person too many?

Posted on Monday, July 18, 2011 in Happiness, Honesty, Kat, Relationships, Sex/sexuality

It was pure coincidence that Sean and I ran into Sara and Todd, her OKcupid date, in line to for the movies. After, we went out for drinks and we got to know him better.

I liked him. He, evidently, liked me, too.

“So, Todd thinks you’re pretty hot,” Sara told me on the phone yesterday.

“He’s cute, Sara. Don’t mess this one up!”

“Ha! Believe me; I’m trying not to! He said he thought it would pretty cool having a threesome with you.”

“A threesome? That’s funny — doesn’t he know I’ve already seen you naked?”

“Whatever, but I’m serious. I mean, I think he’s serious.” 

“Really? Now that would be weird. I don’t think I could ever look at you the same way again, Sara. Plus there’s the matter of Sean.”

“He could watch.”

“True. But …”

“Don’t worry — I don’t want to sleep with you, either. If any third person’s hopping into my bed, it will be someone who looks like Johnny Depp and has the stamina of Tiger Woods.”

I’d have to agree.

Most guys love the idea of a threesome. If one hot, naked babe in your bed sounds good, doesn’t two hot, naked babes sound even better? About every guy I’ve ever know has either mentioned a threesome as a fantasy or has done it, sometimes more than once.

Obviously some women are into threesomes, too, although I have no idea how many prefer two babes and a guy or two guys and their naked self. Not that I have any problem with women’s bodies — I think they can be beautiful (as long as they’re not Botoxed and fake boobed, or fat). I’d just rather have another man and his package attending to my, uh, needs.

But for every happy threesome I’ve heard about, there’s been at least one unhappy one — the guy was more into babe No. 2,  neither gal was into each other, both gals were too into each other, etc. — and a relationship that thought it was hedonistically open-minded became a very frail version of itself.

Which begs the question — is a ménage-a-trois better as a fantasy than as a reality? Is it worth the risk?

I think it’s nice to know that having a threesome an option, same like like retiring early, traveling around the world for a year and then settling in Tahiti.

What about you?


Photo © Lourdes Tamés –

Jun 13

Should you tell your partner everything?

Posted on Monday, June 13, 2011 in Advice, Happiness, Honesty, Kat, Relationships

Sean and I were snuggled under the covers, the blissful few moments of naked skin on naked skin before we had to get up and start our day. Despite the cozy scene, my mind was a mess; I kept thinking about the woman at the party the other night who was so sluttily hanging all over him.

She was also very blond, very busty and very pretty, so of course Sean — being a guy —was enjoying the attention.   

So I sighed.

“What?” Sean asked.

“What, what?”

“You sighed.”


“Oh, it sounded like you were about to say something.”

This was my in, my chance to say something about the mate-poaching blonde.

Thankfully, I didn’t. There are some things you just shouldn’t tell your partner. Period.

I’m all for honesty and openness in a relationship, but some things do more damage than good.

Would I “damage” my relationship if I told Sean that I was uncomfortable about how much attention the blonde was lavishing on him, or how much he was clearly loving it?  He’d probably say that I was being insecure, or jealous or making something out of nothing. And, he’d probably be right.

But you can’t— or shouldn’t — be mum about everything. How do you know what to confess and what to keep to yourself?

I think you have to decide which secrets make the relationship more loving and which come from self-interest.

How much and how often you keep mum determines whether you sink or swim as a couple.

I decided to keep us swimming.

“All I was going to say was that I love you so much,” I told Sean as we snuggled even closer.

  • What do you withhold from your relationship? Why?
  • Ever confess something you wish you hadn’t?

Photo © summerdays –





Apr 25

Should you read someone’s email or texts?

Posted on Monday, April 25, 2011 in dating, Honesty, Kat, Relationships, Self image

A cute 30ish couple in the early stages of romance were sitting next to Sean and me at the sushi bar last weekend. As their appetizer plates were being cleared away, the guy excused himself to go to the bathroom.

And then his cell phone — in the pocket of his jacket — started ringing. I could see the woman tense up, and I knew exactly what was going through her mind — who the heck’s calling him at 8:30 on a Saturday night?

She didn’t say anything to him when he came back, but she didn’t have to; the voicemail beeps were enough to alert for him that someone had called. He took the phone out of his pocket, glanced at the missed call number, and placed it back in his pocket without missing a beat. She smiled, a tense smile, the whole time.

It  took less than a few minutes, but I could tell it planted the seed of something that will last a lot longer — relationship insecurity. Haven’t we all been there? Our sweetie gets a call or a text at an unusual hour and our mind starts wandering.

Or perhaps we do more than wander; we look.

Is it ever OK to look at your partner’s cellphone texts or computer emails? Is it ever OK to listen to your partner’s voicemails?

Without permission, of course.

People do it all the time — that’s how Elin caught Tiger and it’s how thousands of other couples did, too. And, that’s how I caught a former boyfriend,  and it’s not something I’m particularly proud of.

What makes someone look at or listen to someone else’s private stuff? Curiosity, no doubt, which, according to the old saying “killed the cat.” Yeah, well, looking didn’t kill me, but it did kill the relationship. He didn’t dump me for looking — although that probably was in his right. In any event, he wasn’t too happy about it. But, by looking I suddenly knew too much, although, hey, it was certainly stuff I needed to know — he was cheating on me!

So I dumped him.

Do the ends justify the means?

Didn’t I become just as deceitful as he was by poking around where I had no right to poke?

Why did I look? Probably because I already knew on a subconscious level that something was wrong between us, as most of us do who look or listen. If you look, something — like trust — is missing or something — like insecurities — is present in your relationship. Maybe both.

I swore I’d never do that again because it revealed an ugly side of me that I just didn’t like. I didn’t want to be that person. And, I have kept my word to myself. But that doesn’t mean that my heart hasn’t skipped a beat  when Sean’s phone rings at a weird time. Although I’d feel totally OK asking, “who’s that?” But I often don’t. Because I trust. And if somehow, some way I shouldn’t trust anymore, I feel pretty confident it will eventually be revealed without me having to go looking for it.

  • Is it ever OK to look at someone else’s text messages or emails, or listen to someone else’s voicemails?
  • Have you done it? Has someone done it to you?

Photo © Nevena Kozekova –