What went wrong in your marriage?
“Mom?” Trent calls from the bathroom, a habit he’s had since he was a toddler.
“Yeah?” I shout back from the living room, where I’m sorting through the Christmas decorations.
“Why did you and dad murgfht?”
“Huh?” I said, coming closer to the bathroom so I decipher the muffled words.
“Why did you and dad divorce?” 
“Honey, you already know why.”
“No, not dad’s affair. I mean, what went wrong?”
Wow, good question, one he hadn’t asked before. Because it wasn’t really the affair that made my marriage implode; affairs are just symptoms of other
crap going on.
And I wasn’t sure that I could answer that fully for him. Well, I know what I did wrong and what Rob did wrong; I’m not really sure what Rob thinks.
I can tell The Kid what you should do to make a good marriage — be a present, loving partner; communicate well; have a lot of sex (not sure he’d want to hear that from me) …
I certainly wouldn’t advise him to settle.
Because marriage is, well, complicated.
And as much as studies say hubbies benefit from marriage more that the lil’ missus, a lot of men feel like this, courtesy of MGTOW, Men Going Their Own Way:
Marriage is like serving time in prison with a big fat cellmate who DOESN’T want to have sex with you.
Don’t want The Kid to feel like that!
Another gem:
The bottom line is this: Women don’t know what the f— they really want.
Guys are so f–king simple. We know EXACTLY what we want: Sex or blow jobs about 3 or 4 times a week, a good pizza or burger every now and then, and about one day a week that we can go do stuff that we like, whether it’s poker or golf or what have you. How hard is that to understand? Women, on the other hand, have NO CLUE what they want. They’ve been told they can have it all, that they need to be this or that, that they need to do this or that. I don’t think may of them honestly know what it is they want. They only know what it is they don’t have.
I’m have no idea how many guys feel like that, but I guess enough do. Yet to read the latest Pew study that announces the decline of marriage, more men than women think marriage brings happiness, and more widowers/divorced guys say they’d get hitched again. (Oddly, more think it brings a more fulfilling sex life, too; those guys really should talk to the MGTOW guys!)
If guys are so miserable in marriage, why would they want do it again and again?
But, back to the question Trent asked me — what went wrong?
My version of the story — two people got so caught up in parenting that they forgot to put as much energy into their relationship. We were conflict-avoidant, so although we didn’t argue, we still had a lot of stuff we kept under the surface. And, I didn’t speak up and address things, important things, when I should have. But it wasn’t until after the affair was unearthed that I did the soul-searching to understand all that, plus know the issues I brought to the relationship.
It’s important to know what went wrong so you don’t repeat your bad stuff again with someone new.
- So, I ask you — what went wrong?
Photo © starush – Fotolia.com
Can you be too nice?
I’m not an Us or People kind of person, but I’m human — I’ve been known to take a peek from time to time while in a doc’s waiting room. How else would I be able to talk intelligently about whether Demi Lovato is morphing into the new Lindsay Lohan? But on my most recent waiting room experience I found myself for some inexplicable reason watching ESPN on the TV instead, a recap of the some of the previous night’s football highlights — so you know I really was not feeling well — along with the two 60-something men in the waiting room with me.
As I sat somewhat engrossed in the action, one of the men walked up to the TV and lowered the volume.
“Do you mind?” he asked, turning his attention to the other man.
“No, it’s fine.”
And then he sat down.
He didn’t even look at me.
Really, I thought — really? (just like that pretty funny Windows cell phone ad).
“So, are you going to live, or should I start planning the guest list to your memorial?” Sara asked when she called me later.
“Yeah, but I got totally dissed … and pissed,” I said, recounting how the man who lowered the TV volume didn’t ask me if I minded his volume fiddling.
“What am I, chopped liver?” 
“No, but one, you’re a woman, and women
don’t care about sports, right? And two, you’re too nice, the worst kind of woman.”
“I am not too nice!”
“You are, Kat, face it. Most guys would have
said something to that jerk, just like the women who are in touch with their inner bitch. But, the problem is, we’re raised to be nice, and it never helps us. Nice is like saying you’re ‘good’ when someone asks you how you’re doing. Good isn’t an emotion; it’s meaningless. Same with being nice; it makes us spineless. It isn’t honest.”
Sara was onto something, as usual.
Most of us think being “nice” is among the heavy-hitting virtues. We’ve had that drilled into us from Day 1, thanks to our parents (most likely our moms) who were always hounding us to “be nice” or “play nice.” I’m not against people being nice: I like nice people. But call someone a “nice guy” and we know what we’re talking about — he’s as bland and soft and as interesting as a slice of Wonder Bread (and most likely have a doughy body to boot, despite the old claims that WB builds bodies 12 ways).
Because there’s nice and then there’s nice — you know, the person who never offends or takes offense, who will do anything for anyone to the point that it’s personally detrimental, who is about as PC and selfless as they come.
And, sadly, most girls are raised to be nice. And when we grow up and suddenly show some cojones, well, then we’re called the B-word.
Sometimes, we really shouldn’t be nice. Sometimes, we really do need to be willing to offend someone to stand up for the truth and what’s right. I think sometimes women confuse that with being nasty or cruel or feeling that we’re putting someone down.
Was it worth getting into a “thing” by saying something to the oblivious man in the waiting room? Sure, it bugged me but it wasn’t that big a deal. But I know that there have times in my past when I should have gotten into it and I didn’t; I was too afraid of being offensive.
I was too nice.
What about you?
Photo © Angelika Bentin – Fotolia.com
He’s got game — video games, that is
I was a little lost looking up and down the aisles of Best Buy, trying to find the new PSP3 video game title The Kid asked me to pick up for him.
But as it turned out, my aging eyesight wasn’t being put to the test as much my ears. Nearby, I could hear a few guys discussing the pros and cons of various video games. I thought they were middle-aged dads talking about their teens’ gaming skills, until I gave them a good look — they were late-20- to early-30-somethings, max, too young to have kids indulging in the joys of the latest Grand Theft Auto.
I returned to my search, but I couldn’t help but think, “Dudes, aren’t you a little too old to be playing video games?” 
And then I thought of The Kid, who kills more than his share of hours in front of FIFA
Soccer 11 or the latest MLB or Madden title, and all of a sudden I had a freak-out moment — is he going to be a gamer past his teens? He wouldn’t be the only one. And, if I were dating someone like him — or the late-20- to early-30-somethings at Best Buy — how would I feel about it?
Would I want to be dating a gamer?
No. Well, I don’t think so, but I realize it’s not fair to say that; I’m not a late-20- to early-30-something woman who’s grown up with video games and all the other techno stuff we can’t seem to live without. Maybe it’s no big deal. Honestly — how different is it than blobbing out in front of the TV, which I did grow up with (although barely watch anymore). We Trekkies turned out OK, right? And, my boomer friends and I still play board games — Scrabble, anyone?
And yet, there’s something about guys sitting around for hours on end killing people or even just kicking soccer balls around that makes me pause; it seems childish, like guys are suspended in adolescence (not quite a child, not quite a man but a child-man).
Now, I love it when a guy is in touch with his boyish side, but I mean the playful, imaginative, dreamer side — not the boyish side usually portrayed in the clueless T&A-obsessed beer-soused frat boy flicks, the kind that thinks hours of Final Fantasy with a Halo- keg and pizza chaser is a good use of time. But I wouldn’t be dating those kinds of guys, anyway.
I don’t think video game playing is a threat to society — if I did, I wouldn’t let The Kid play them (although at this point, it would be one helluva battle to get him to stop!) I think checking your cellphone or Facebook constantly may be more threatening — certainly to relationships, and that happens a lot more with both genders and among all ages.
I would have no problem learning how to play FIFA Soccer 11 or whatever if it brought my kid and me together although I haven’t volunteered to learn nor has he asked; might be weird to bitch-slap Mortal Kombat‘s Bo Rai Cho with your Mom by your side.
Would I want to do that to be closer to my partner? Uh …
- How do you feel about guys playing video games?
- Is there an age when guys should stop?
- Is it any better/worse than TV watching?
- Do you kids play them, and do you place limits on time/violent titles?
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