Can friends with benefits work?
Mia, Sara and I walked out of “Friends With Benefits” and headed straight to the nearest bar. A movie like that will do that to a gal.
Not that there was anything earth-shattering in the movie with Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis; it’s just that the concept — can you have casual sex with someone you know and like as a friend? — is one that most women like to dissect.
“I’ll have a cosmo,” Mia said to the bartender as we sidled up to the bar.
“Same,” Sara said.
“Grey Goose. Rocks. Twist,” I said. 
“You always have to be different,” Sara huffed.
“Not always.”
“Well, even your FWB — why did it work for you and not us?” Sara said, taking a long sip of her cosmo.
Honestly, I don’t know. But, first let me back up.
When we each got divorced, Sara, Mia and I were, like most newly divorced people — total messes. We’d each lost about 10 pounds — that wasn’t so bad, actually — from lack of sleep and food; we cried a lot; we couldn’t concentrate; we looked like crap. But we tried our best to keep it together for our kids and jobs.
Then at some point things started to normalize and something weird happened — we started feeling better about ourselves and less uncertain each day, and men started to notice us. And that was a good thing because by that time, we were months into the split and horny! But dating seemed daunting and besides, we really weren’t ready for that; who is right after a split?
And so we each found a way to have casual sex without picking up random guys in bars for one-nighters (although Sara did that, too); we looked at the men we already knew and had some sort of a relationship with. That’s how each of found ourselves in bed with a “friend.”
Why do I think mine worked well? I think because I know myself well enough to know that I can separate sex from emotions (although, I genuinely like him). Our life situations were very different so a relationship couldn’t work even if we wanted. And, it only lasted a few months. I guess that’s why my FWB parted without drama and, yes, we’re still friends (although we’re thousand of miles apart at this point).
Can a friends with benefits relationship work? A FWB arrangement is a delicate thing; I’m not sure most of us can do it well — if at all. Someone always seems to want more and someone always seems to get hurt. That’s not what FWBs are supposed to be about.
Of course, they’re not supposed to end like Timberlake and Kunis do, either (spoiler) — they actually do fall in love. Hmm, but it they really didn’t want a relationship, why is that considered a good thing?
- Can friends with benefits work?
- Have you had one (or more)?
Photo © Ramon Cami – Fotolia.com
Is a threesome one person too many?
It was pure coincidence that Sean and I ran into Sara and Todd, her OKcupid date, in line to for the movies. After, we went out for drinks and we got to know him better.
I liked him. He, evidently, liked me, too.
“So, Todd thinks you’re pretty hot,” Sara told me on the phone yesterday.
“He’s cute, Sara. Don’t mess this one up!”
“Ha! Believe me; I’m trying not to! He said he thought it would pretty cool having a threesome with you.”
“A threesome? That’s funny — doesn’t he know I’ve already seen you naked?”
“Whatever, but I’m serious. I mean, I think he’s serious.” 
“Really? Now that would be weird. I don’t think I could ever look at you the same way again, Sara. Plus there’s the matter of Sean.”
“He could watch.”
“True. But …”
“Don’t worry — I don’t want to sleep with you, either. If any third person’s hopping into my bed, it will be someone who looks like Johnny Depp and has the stamina of Tiger Woods.”
I’d have to agree.
Most guys love the idea of a threesome. If one hot, naked babe in your bed sounds good, doesn’t two hot, naked babes sound even better? About every guy I’ve ever know has either mentioned a threesome as a fantasy or has done it, sometimes more than once.
Obviously some women are into threesomes, too, although I have no idea how many prefer two babes and a guy or two guys and their naked self. Not that I have any problem with women’s bodies — I think they can be beautiful (as long as they’re not Botoxed and fake boobed, or fat). I’d just rather have another man and his package attending to my, uh, needs.
But for every happy threesome I’ve heard about, there’s been at least one unhappy one — the guy was more into babe No. 2, neither gal was into each other, both gals were too into each other, etc. — and a relationship that thought it was hedonistically open-minded became a very frail version of itself.
Which begs the question — is a ménage-a-trois better as a fantasy than as a reality? Is it worth the risk?
I think it’s nice to know that having a threesome an option, same like like retiring early, traveling around the world for a year and then settling in Tahiti.
What about you?
Photo © Lourdes Tamés – Fotolia.com
Why you can’t always get what you want — sexually
I waited until after noon on Saturday to text Sara; Friday was her third date with the OkCupid cutie she was sweet on, and so the first night she figured they’d be sleeping together.
“??!!??” I texted.
She called immediately.
“Well?”
“Well, he’s got a great bod.”
“And?” 
“And he’s, uh, endowed.”
“Nice. And?”
“He likes to go down.”
“Hallelujah and amen! And?”
“And, he’s long lasting, like really long.”
“Well, that sounds like a perfect storm!”
“Yeah, it’s just that …”
“What?”
“I’m not into marathon sex anymore. Not at midlife. Because, you know.”
(Yeah, I do know. Midlife. Women. Lubrication. Things happen. Or not.)
“So, did you say something to him?”
“You can’t talk to guys about sex. It freaks them out.”
And isn’t that the sad truth?
Not that you can talk too easily to women, either.
OK — the first date probably isn’t the time to get into it, especially since it may be sexual blip. Maybe he isn’t a marathoner after the first “conquest.” No matter; beside the fact that there’s almost always some sort of back story to sex — guilt, shame, abuse, fear, body-image isues, whatever — why is saying, “Please do this” or “That’s too hard” or “Try it there” so difficult? We often feel weird asking for what we’d like sexually, or get upset or disappointed by hearing what our partner wants — we’re not measuring up!!! — and so a lot of good sex time is being wasted because we’re not expressing our needs, gently, of course.
If you asked people whether they’d want to know exactly want their partner would like sexually, how they could please them, who among us would say they’re not interested in knowing? We all are interested. And yet, we often don’t tell or ask.
It’s important, too since most men — about 85 percent — say their partner’s had an orgasm while only 64 percent of gals say they had the Big O during their last romp. Hmmm ….
Now, if you’re clear about what you want and tell your partner, and your partner consistently doesn’t oblige, then you have another conversation. And believe me, that one is a lot harder!
- How good are you at expressing your sexual needs?
- How good are you at hearing your partner expressing his/her sexual needs?
Fotolia © Laurent Hamels
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