Is it OK to date someone who’s separated?
I couldn’t wait to get together with Mia; she’d met a guy who sounded pretty darn as close to perfect as you can get and I wanted to know more. So we met at the arts fest, not even feeling the raindrops because our conversation was so animated.
“OK, what are the stats?”
“He’s 52, tall, fit, nice salt-and-pepper hair …”
“Uh-huh. And?”
“Loves to hike, super-smart and super-sweet. Coached his kids’ soccer teams …”
“Sounds good. And?”
“And he’s a real gentleman. He paid for our dates, even though I insisted I’ll pay. He didn’t come on real strong; I practically had to throw myself at him to get him to kiss me.”
“Ah, he likes a bit of the chase? Nice!”
“And I’m starting to get crazy about him.”
“Mia, it’s way too soon for that! But I know — it’s hard not to feel excited about someone who’s so great. How long has he been divorced?”
“Hmm, well …
”
“Well, what?”
“He’s just separated.”
“As in ‘just’ how long ago?”
“Two months.”
I think my mouth must have dropped far enough to smudge my cute new black cotton wedgies — that’s how shocked I was.
“Mia, what are you doing with a newly separated guy?”
“Enjoying our time together, why?” she sniffed.
“Because, because … because, it’s all wrong!”
“Says who?”
Says probably about every dating expert out there, although you don’t want to necessarily follow everything they say. But, who needs a dating expert to tell us that getting involved with someone fresh out of a marriage — and I wouldn’t call separated “out” of anything — is a bad idea?
Separated means a lot of things to different people. When Rob and I separated, it was to spend time alone to figure out whether we were going to salvage the marriage or not — that hardly made me dating material. For all Mia knows, this guy and his not-quite-ex could be still working on their relationship, giving each other “space,” dipping their toes into the dating scene to see if they can attract someone new or all of the above. Or maybe they’re actually somewhat happily married and he’s just scouting around for a mistress. Who knows?
As Singlemommyhood notes: “Separated always means in limbo. There is unfinished business — whether it’s emotional, legal, or financial.”
Which is what I told Mia (thanks Dr. Leah).
And Mia would hear nothing of it. Now you know why dating experts and shrinks stay in business — even if we know we’re in a situation that has way too many complications, we still delve right in, hoping this time it will be different.
Maybe it will be.
Probably not.
To me, even a newly divorced guy is a big dating no-no; no one’s ready to be available in a new relationship when he just got out of one. And, if he says he is, it’s because he’s lonely and/or he wants sex.
Getting involved with someone like that is taking a big gamble, one you’re likely going to lose.
- Would you date a separated man or woman?
- How about a newly divorced person?
Photo © Angelika Bentin – Fotolia.com
Unemployed and looking for love
I was at a Labor Day barbecue, so of course it made sense to talk about work. But a lot of the conversation was about not working.
Two more friends have lost their jobs — Dan and Michael. I feel really bad for both of them, but I feel a lot worse for Dan. Michael is married, and his wife, Natalie, works; he’s OK for now (although this puts their marriage at a greater risk of divorce). Dan is single and although he’s smart, talented and an all-around great guy who can probably survive for a while on his savings, who wants to date an unemployed man?
No one. At least, that’s what he told me. 
“Dan, you don’t actually tell people you’re unemployed, do you?”
“Yeah, because I am — along with I don’t know how many millions of other people.”
“But, that’s shocking for people to hear, especially women you want to date; you need
to spin it.”
“Like what? That I’m on a sabbatical or I’m an independent consultant? Oh, please!”
“Can’t hurt.”
“It’s not exactly honest, either. Not the best way to start a relationship.”
He has a point.
I’m all for honesty, and if you’re jobless and don’t share that with a new love right from the start, it will be a big ugly mess explaining it later when it eventually gets discovered — and you just know it will! As it must.
That’s a much bigger problem for guys than women, not surprisingly. Unemployed women are still datable and guys are not — if that isn’t proof about how far we haven’t come as a society, I don’t know what is.
I suppose Dan can give up dating for a while — all that extra time and energy (and cash!) can be spent looking for a new job, volunteering or learning new skills. But, if one part of your life is out of whack — like your health or your job or your love life — it really helps to have the other parts a little more stable. Knowing someone has your back and still finds you lovable makes losing a job somewhat less traumatic — for a while, anyway.
Of course, Dan can continue his dating routine, which is pretty much a lot of hookups and friends with benefits arrangements, like most people date nowadays anyway. As weird as it sounds, it actually seems to be the perfect way to have fun and connect with people given what’s going on; you don’t need to wine and dine anyone! Could it be that our casual sex dating rituals are a byproduct of the recession?
I don’t think our economy is getting back to normal any time soon — if you’re unemployed or underemployed and looking for love, what do you do?
Like this? You might like:
He’s jobless — do you date him?
Photo © Christopher Hall – Fotolia.com
Why dating in your 30s is hard
As Sara and I browsed the Union Street boutiques searching for the perfect Little Black Dress for her niece’s wedding in a few weeks, we couldn’t help but overhear two attractive 30-something blondes nearby. Their conversation sounded eerily familiar to ones Sara and I had had ourselves not too long ago.
“I swear, I just don’t get dating anymore. It’s impossible to be what guys are looking for. You’re screwed if you’re too direct because then you’re come off as cold. If you’re too aloof, you’ll seem like a bitch but if you’re too eager then you’re too needy,” one lamented.
“You’re so right.”
“Plus, you can’t talk about your ex-boyfriends because you’ll sound bitter, but you can’t talk about the future either because then it’s like you’re fishing around for commitment or something,” she continued. 
“It’s nothing like when we were in our 20s!”
“But, we’re not even old!”
“I know but it feels like it. Like that guy I went out with last week, you know? When I told him I was 34, it was like I could see him doing the baby momma math on me — ‘Well, if we start dating now, then get engaged and married, it will be about two or three years and we’ll have to have a baby right away because she’ll be too old and I’m not ready yet.’ It’s depressing!”
Wow — even I was getting depressed listening to them! Now, when Sara and I were bemoaning dating post-divorce, we were in our 40s, fresh out 15-year marriages, and moms. We were not baby-making machines anymore. We already had kids, and most of the guys who were interested in dating us were mostly divorced and had kids, too; the guys our age who didn’t were looking for younger women, not us (well, except for a hookup). Coordinating custody schedules was challenging, and single parenting and working full time was exhausting!
Still, I remember thinking how much easier it might be to find love again if I had gotten divorced in my 30s, not my 40s. Listening to the blondes, however, I’m realizing that may not be the case.
But, the young blonde (yes, 34 is young!) was right — once you’re out of your 20s, dating is an entirely different beast. Dating in your 30s gets a lot more complicated because of kids — either you have them, which limits your dating ability; you don’t have them but you want them, which puts you on a tight time-track for fertility; you don’t have them and you don’t want them, but you may have to reject a lot of good guys who do want to have kids; or you have them and you want more of them, which, again, means you may be facing fertility issues.
Whoever said kids put a strain on a marriage has no idea how hard it is to date with or without kids as a 30-something!
All of which means — you better enjoy dating in your 20s because if will never be as carefree and fun or offer as many options again! Ever. OK, that’s not fair; I had fun dating post-divorce and, after all, I met Sean in my mid-40s and that’s been very great. A few of my middle-aged friends have met great guys and women, too (although none has remarried). But, let’s face it — dating when you’re older is really, really different, especially if you’re looking for a relationship and not just casual sex. And sometimes, it downright sucks.
What’s your dating story at your age?
Photo © Angelika Bentin – Fotolia.com
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