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Nov 15

Kat Von D, my turkey and believing we’re different

Posted on Tuesday, November 15, 2011 in Affairs/infidelity, Celebrities, Honesty, Kat, love, Relationships

I’m not sure why this somehow didn’t register with me before, but yesterday is when I realized for the first time that Thanksgiving is next week. Which meant I had to order a turkey — ASAP.

Holidays like Thanksgiving, where there are certain culinary expectations, means you have to detailed plans; what gets picked up when, what gets cooked first, etc. No one wants to deal with the crowds at the supermarket on the day before, so I ordered mine to be picked up on Tuesday — as if I am the only person who would think of that. Somehow, I have a feeling Tuesday will be as crowded — if not more — than Wednesday. Too late.

People are funny that way; we are predictably irrational, as MIT professor Dan Ariely says. 

Which is what I think about tattoo artist Kat Von D’s reaction to the discovery that her ex-fiancee, Jesse James, cheated on her with 19 women in the past year of their on-again, off-again engagement.

Because given his history, you’d want to ask her, what were you thinking? Everyone else was thinking once a cheater, always a cheater.

Although, how many of us date or marry people who cheated on their spouse to be with us? Well, lots of us. What does that say about us?

Few people in online comments have been kind to Kat — in fact, most are downright cruel (of course, so many people aren’t kind in online comments, period!). If they aren’t shaming her, they’re asking, How could you think you were different than anyone else?

Beside the tats, that is.

But, of course we all feel like we’re different than everyone else to a certain extent or in certain situations: We’re never going to be the one who gets cancer, even though we smoke. We’re not going to get a DUI, even though we drive home after a three-martini happy hour. We don’t keep emergency supplies ready even though we live in quake-ridden Bay Area and The Big One is due. And we’ll avoid the crowds at Thanksgiving by picking up our turkey on Tuesday, not Wednesday.

Are we stupid? In denial? Irrational? All of the above and more?

I do not totally convinced of the adage “Once a cheater, always a cheater.” Depending on what drove a person to cheat, I think some people can change; I did.

I am pretty sure we’re capable of cheating on someone we truly love.

I am positively certain that we rationalize a lot of our actions because we actually believe we are different than everyone else.

What about you?

Oh, and see you at the supermarket …

Oct 3

Can cougars and boy toys be happy forever?

Posted on Monday, October 3, 2011 in Aging, Happiness, Kat, love, Marriage, Men, Relationships, Women

“I feel so bad for Demi,” Sara said as we made our way up Old Railroad Grade.

“Sara, you really need to stop obsessing about Demi and Kim and Leann. When did you become such a celeb follower?”

“It’s not that! I couldn’t care less about them. I care about the broader issues.”


“Like can we older gals live just as happily-ever-after with boy toys as old guys with hot babes do?”

“So, you don’t think we can just because Ashton likes to have sex with other babes?” 

“Other younger babes.”

“Of course — did you expect he’d cheat with someone older than Demi? She’s 48!”

“It’s not that.”

“You’re right. It’s that he’s a cheater, and that probably doesn’t have anything to do with Demi’s age.”

Or does it?

Guys go for youth. This is not rocket science. But older women get their share of interest from younger men because we bring quite a few things to the table — experience, comfort in our own skin, and a savvy sexual appetite.

Say what you will about cougars, but it makes sense that older women should hook up with younger men. Maybe not guys 15 years younger, like Demi and Ashton, but maybe a few years — 5 or so. Why? Because men die younger than women do, and that means there are so many more widows than widowers. It means women often spend a decade or more alone when they’re old and more likely to need companionship more than ever; that’s sad!

Marrying someone younger would lessen the chance of that.

Plus, 15 years is an awfully big gap; your interests and experiences are bound to be pretty different. Of course, that doesn’t necessarily mean a marriage wouldn’t work — lots of people the same age with similar interests and experiences get divorced! But being just 5 years or so apart in age puts you in the same generation, anyway. And, you’d also have similar aging issues.

Maybe that’s the biggest turn off of all. The body starts to wrinkle, sag and shift, the mind starts to wander and then what? I know that stuff shouldn’t matter —after all, we don’t know what illnessnes and accidents await us at any age. But maybe starting off with a “disadvantage,” it will — eventually.

So, maybe cougars and boy toys should plan on five blissfully happy years together, and then move on. There are always more young men out there, ladies …

Does a big gap in a relationship matter in the long run?



Jul 25

Can friends with benefits work?

Posted on Monday, July 25, 2011 in dating, Divorce, Happiness, Honesty, hookups, Kat, Relationships, Sex/sexuality

Mia, Sara and I walked out of “Friends With Benefits” and headed straight to the nearest bar. A movie like that will do that to a gal.

Not that there was anything earth-shattering in the movie with Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis; it’s just that the concept — can you have casual sex with someone you know and like as a friend? — is one that most women like to dissect.

“I’ll have a cosmo,” Mia said to the bartender as we sidled up to the bar.

“Same,” Sara said.

“Grey Goose. Rocks. Twist,” I said.       

“You always have  to be different,” Sara huffed.

“Not always.”

“Well, even your FWB — why did it work for you and not us?” Sara said, taking a long sip of her cosmo.

Honestly, I don’t know. But, first let me back up.

When we each got divorced, Sara, Mia and I were, like most newly divorced people — total messes. We’d each lost about 10 pounds — that wasn’t so bad, actually — from lack of sleep and food; we cried a lot; we couldn’t concentrate; we looked like crap. But we tried our best to keep it together for our kids and jobs.

Then at some point things started to normalize and something weird happened — we started feeling better about ourselves and less uncertain each day, and men started to notice us. And that was a good thing because by that time, we were months into the split and horny! But dating seemed daunting and besides, we really weren’t ready for that; who is right after a split?

And so we each found a way to have casual sex without picking up random guys in bars for one-nighters (although Sara did that, too); we looked at the men we already knew and had some sort of a relationship with. That’s how each of found ourselves in bed with a “friend.”

Why do I think mine worked well? I think because I know myself well enough to know that I can separate sex from emotions (although, I genuinely like him). Our life situations were very different so a relationship couldn’t work even if we wanted. And, it only lasted a few months. I guess that’s why my FWB parted without drama and, yes, we’re still friends (although we’re thousand of miles apart at this point).

Can a friends with benefits relationship work? A FWB  arrangement is a delicate thing; I’m not sure most of us can do it well — if at all. Someone always seems to want more and someone always seems to get hurt. That’s not what FWBs are supposed to be about.

Of course, they’re not supposed to end like Timberlake and Kunis do, either (spoiler) — they actually do fall in love. Hmm, but it they really didn’t want a relationship, why is that considered a good thing?

  • Can friends with benefits work?
  • Have you had one (or more)?




Photo © Ramon Cami –