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Jan 12

Has Kat turned on, tuned in or dropped out?

Posted on Thursday, January 12, 2012 in Happiness, Honesty, Kat, Relationships

Remember that saying, “Turn on, tune in, drop out”? No? OK, well, you obviously aren’t as old as I am! It’s what the hippies used to say, thanks to Timothy Leary, when they were looking for an excuse to smoke dope reach enlightenment and detach from commitments. 

Don’t worry — I’m not smoking dope (well, maybe an extra glass or two of zin), but I have been detaching from some commitments, thus my lack of an appearance here for the past few weeks, as you’ve probably noticed.

I wish I could say some sort of enlightenment has been reached, but no, not yet. I’m working on it though! Enlightenment is harder than it seems.

Luckily it’s a new year, and while I’m not big on New Year’s resolutions, I have made a promise to be a better Kat than I have been (no, not that way; I’ll still be a naughty kitty!), meaning I hope to write more inspired blogs. I feel like I’ve hit a dead-end of sorts. You’ve probably noticed. But you’ve been kind enough to let it slide — thank you.

So, if you can bear with me while I get closer to that enlightenment, I’d greatly appreciate it.

(Although, perhaps I should reconsider that dope …)

But, enough about me — how’s your new year going?



Jun 27

Why you can’t always get what you want — sexually

Posted on Monday, June 27, 2011 in Happiness, Honesty, Kat, Relationships, Sex/sexuality

I waited until after noon on Saturday to text Sara; Friday was her third date with the OkCupid cutie she was sweet on, and so the first night she figured they’d be sleeping together.

“??!!??” I texted.

She called immediately.


“Well, he’s got a great bod.”


“And he’s, uh, endowed.”

“Nice. And?”

“He likes to go down.”

“Hallelujah and amen! And?

“And, he’s long lasting, like really long.”

“Well, that sounds like a perfect storm!”

“Yeah, it’s just that …”


“I’m not into marathon sex anymore. Not at midlife. Because, you know.

(Yeah, I do know. Midlife. Women. Lubrication. Things happen. Or not.)

“So, did you say something to him?”

“You can’t talk to guys about sex. It freaks them out.”

And isn’t that the sad truth?

Not that you can talk too easily to women, either.

OK — the first date probably isn’t the time to get into it, especially since it may be sexual blip. Maybe he isn’t a marathoner after the first “conquest.” No matter; beside the fact that there’s almost always some sort of back story to sex — guilt, shame, abuse, fear, body-image isues, whatever — why is saying, “Please do this” or “That’s too hard” or “Try it there” so difficult? We often feel weird asking for what we’d like sexually, or get upset or disappointed by hearing what our partner wants — we’re not measuring up!!! — and so a lot of good sex time is being wasted because we’re not expressing our needs, gently, of course.

If you asked people whether they’d want to know exactly want their partner would like sexually, how they could please them, who among us would say they’re not interested in knowing? We all are interested. And yet, we often don’t tell or ask.

It’s important, too since most men — about 85 percent — say their partner’s had an orgasm while only 64 percent of gals say they had the Big O during their last romp. Hmmm ….

Now, if you’re clear about what you want and tell your partner, and your partner consistently doesn’t oblige, then you have another conversation. And believe me, that one is a lot harder!

  • How good are you at expressing your sexual needs?
  • How good are you at hearing your partner expressing his/her sexual needs?

Fotolia © Laurent Hamels

Feb 7

What a guy really wants for Valentine’s

Posted on Monday, February 7, 2011 in Kat, love, Men, Relationships, Singles, Women

Sara was leading us purposefully through the mall toward Anthropologie, hopeful she hadn’t waited too long to return a Christmas gift that she finally decided was all wrong for her.

On the way, we literally had to bushwhack the mall’s pink and red landscape.

“Oh yeah” Sara said, noticing the hearts, cupids and roses, “what are you getting
Sean for

“Nothing,” I shrugged. “Maybe a card.”

“Kat, you’re so unromantic!”

“I’m totally romantic! Valentine’s has
nothing with do with romance.”

“I know, but you really have to do something!”

Do you? Because giving a gift because you have to give a gift is, what – a good thing?

I’m not a fan of Valentine’s Day, a silly Hallmark holiday that almost always makes people feel bad. It’s a no-win holiday. Expectations — OK, make that women’s expectations — are so high that no matter what’s given or done, it often seems “wrong,” even if a guy relies on the old standbys — chocolates, lingerie, roses, a store-bought card and reservations at a restaurant with a menu designed for “romance.”

Poor guys.

It’s no better for the unattached who have yet another holiday to “cope” with, according to the mags and dating “experts.” Maybe singles wouldn’t feel so “bad” about being alone on Valentine’s if people stopped acting as if they should feel bad about it!

But, OK — let’s say you think like Sara does and you want to get your sweetie something. But … what? Honestly, I don’t envy guys because a “wrong” Valentine’s Day gift can evidently screw up a pretty good relationship. That’s why so many guys resort to jewelry, flowers and fancy dinners; they’re safe. Still, what do you give a guy on Valentine’s Day? Guys are kind of hard to buy things for in general; otherwise there’s no way to explain why so many of them end up with so many socks and ties. Socks are a gift, people?!?

Yet it has to be better than getting a stuffed teddy bear holding a red heart embroidered with “I love you.” Is there a man alive who wants that? Is there a woman? (um, OK, well, there probably are a few …)

Gadgets, tools, sports apparel, car gear, gag gifts, Scotch — these are the kind of things we tend to give the guys in our life. And, maybe that’s what many guys like.

Ultimately, that’s really what it’s all about — giving the guy you care about something that you know he’ll like, because you’re paying attention to what he likes. Which means this Valentine’s I’ll probably make Sean a very nice dinner and show up naked at the door with a martini in my hand.

Hey, I’ve been paying attention!

  • Do you stress over Valentine’s Day gifts?
  • What’s the best Valentine’s Day gift you’ve ever given?
  • What’s the best Valentine’s Day gift you’ve ever gotten?
  • Guys, what things do you really want?

photo © dimis –