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Aug 29

Why dating in your 30s is hard

Posted on Monday, August 29, 2011 in dating, Kat, Men, Relationships, Women

As Sara and I browsed the Union Street boutiques searching for the perfect Little Black Dress for her niece’s wedding in a few weeks, we couldn’t help but overhear two attractive 30-something blondes nearby. Their conversation sounded eerily familiar to ones Sara and I had had ourselves not too long ago.

“I swear, I just don’t get dating anymore. It’s impossible to be what guys are looking for. You’re screwed if you’re too direct because then you’re come off as cold. If you’re too aloof, you’ll seem like a bitch but if you’re too eager then you’re too needy,” one lamented.

“You’re so right.”

“Plus, you can’t talk about your ex-boyfriends because you’ll sound bitter, but you can’t talk about the future either because then it’s like you’re fishing around for commitment or something,” she continued.     

“It’s nothing like when we were in our 20s!”

“But, we’re not even old!”

“I know but it feels like it. Like that guy I went out with last week, you know? When I told him I was 34, it was like I could see him doing the baby momma math on me — ‘Well, if we start dating now, then get engaged and married, it will be about two or three years and we’ll have to have a baby right away because she’ll be too old and I’m not ready yet.’ It’s depressing!”

Wow — even I was getting depressed listening to them! Now, when Sara and I were bemoaning dating post-divorce, we were in our 40s, fresh out 15-year marriages, and moms. We were not baby-making machines anymore. We already had kids, and most of the guys who were interested in dating us were mostly divorced and had kids, too; the guys our age who didn’t were looking for younger women, not us (well, except for a hookup). Coordinating custody schedules was challenging, and single parenting and working full time was exhausting!

Still, I remember thinking how much easier it might be to find love again if I had gotten divorced in my 30s, not my 40s. Listening to the blondes, however, I’m realizing that may not be the case.

But, the young blonde (yes, 34 is young!) was right — once you’re out of your 20s, dating is an entirely different beast. Dating in your 30s gets a lot more complicated because of kids — either you have them, which limits your dating ability; you don’t have them but you want them, which puts you on a tight time-track for fertility; you don’t have them and you don’t want them, but you may have to reject a lot of good guys who do want to have kids; or you have them and you want more of them, which, again, means you may be facing fertility issues.

Whoever said kids put a strain on a marriage has no idea how hard it is to date with or without kids as a 30-something!

All of which means — you better enjoy dating in your 20s because if will never be as carefree and fun or offer as many options again! Ever. OK, that’s not fair; I had fun dating post-divorce and, after all, I met Sean in my mid-40s and that’s been very great. A few of my middle-aged friends have met great guys and women, too (although none has remarried). But, let’s face it — dating when you’re older is really, really different, especially if you’re looking for a relationship and not just casual sex. And sometimes, it downright sucks.

What’s your dating story at your age?

Photo © Angelika Bentin –

May 30

Have you lost interest in sex?

Posted on Monday, May 30, 2011 in Aging, Happiness, masturbation, Men, Relationships, Sex/sexuality, Singles, Women

Sara looked annoyed when we met early for a hike yesterday morning.

“What’s with you Ms. Sour Pus? I believe I’m the one who got out of bed that had a lovely naked man in it so we can hike.”

“The month’s almost over …”

“I know! Where does the time go? It’s, like, almost summer.”

“… and I barely hit my quota.”

“Quota? At work? What are you talking about, girlfriend?”

“May is masturbation month.”

“I know that, but I didn’t realize we had to jack off a certain amount before the month ends.”

“You don’t; I do.”

“You’re not making sense.”

“I made a promise to myself that I’d masturbate at least four times a week this month because, well, because I just haven’t been feeling it lately.”

“Uh, what exactly aren’t you feeling?”

“Sexual. I’m just not that interested in sex anymore, and it’s freaking me out.”

Yeah, I’d be freaked out, too! No interest in sex, especially if you’re not married — not that being married should make you less horny but familiarity after 10, 15, 20 years does tend to put a damper on things. But for a single woman — an actively dating single woman — to lose her sex drive? What’s that about?

I’m sure men lose their sex drive, too, from time to time, although there appears to be a rash of men who are masturbating too much (which in a way could be good because it takes the pressure off of all those women like Sara who might need some sexual readjustment time). Still, a lot of women lose interest in sex for good around menopause, in part because our hormones change and it’s like fighting biology.

Of course feeling sexual isn’t just about wanting to have sex — it’s fantasizing and thinking sexually even if you don’t intend to act on it. And, for women, desire is so intertwined with intimacy — something single people don’t always have.

But to totally lose interest in sex — the best free entertainment/stress-reliever/intimacy-builder around — is scary!

  • Have you ever lost your sex drive?
  • How’d you get your sexual mojo back?
  • Or, have you given up on sex?

Photo © painless –

May 23

Why you might want to date someone your age

Posted on Monday, May 23, 2011 in Aging, dating, Happiness, Honesty, Relationships, Self image

My friend Patty, a 61-year-old divorcee, has a dilemma — a younger person is lusting after her. Younger meaning 52. OK, it’s a dilemma many of us middle-aged divorcees might kill for, but she’s concerned. And so she’s said, “No!”

What’s wrong with this scene? Right – nothing! Well, nothing as far as you and I and maybe hundreds (thousands? millions?) of others can see; what can possibly be wrong with a 52-year-old wanting to be in a relationship — yes, it’s not just about casual sex — with a woman nine years older? 

Patty’s not a cougar; in fact, she’s not the one pursuing (although people throw the “C” word around quite casually nowadays. All you have to do to be called a cougar is be 35-plus and single; not fair!). She really does want to date in her age group, give r take five years either way.

Plus nine years at midlife isn’t such a big deal.

Or is it? As she says:

“I don’t want to date someone younger because when I’m all wrinkled and sagging, I’ll be dumped and then where will I be? I’ll be older and less attractive, and it will be too late for me to find someone new.”

She may have a point. As I get older and the wrinkles and sags make their presence known, I know all too well how the slide from “She’s hot” to “She’s not” sucks. But, that’s if you’re still single and in the dating world, when just getting a guy to notice you is harder, let alone having him want to actually talk to you and discover your irresistible charm and wit, and then want to see you naked and do lovely nasty things to you.

If you’re in a committed relationship with someone, wrinkles and sags shouldn’t even matter anymore — because your partner’s probably right there with you!

Unless, of course, your partner’s nine years younger. Then you have a huge jump on the aging thing.

I wouldn’t want to be with someone who’d start looking at me differently — or start looking at other, younger, women, differently! — as I started to wrinkle and sag. If you’re doing to be in a relationship with someone much older, wrinkles and sags are to be expected!

But, maybe that’s something to consider before you get into a relationship with someone older. You can be picky about who you’re with, but if you start to lose interest in someone older than you because he or she is aging, that does make you seem shallow.

So is Patty smart to reject her young suitor (who’s a woman, by the way)? Or is she denying herself the potential of a loving partner?