Would you cheat on a hot woman?
“It just blows me away,” Sara said as we sat in her kitchen, mud packs on our faces,
“What blows you away?”
“That Tony could cheat on Eva. She’s gorgeous!”
“Being gorgeous has nothing to do with cheating, as you know. Remember, Rob cheated on me.”
I waited for her to get my joke, but she was too engrossed in her People magazine; we include trashy mags when we have our monthly DIY Facial Saturday just to get the full spa effect.
“Anyway, are you saying that it’s somehow
OK if someone cheats on a woman who’s
less than hot?” 
“No, of course not! It’s just that, I don’t get it.”
I don’t get it either, except I get this: it doesn’t matter how hot a woman is — and I would
guess that many men would put Eva Longoria
in the hot category. All relationships have
their troubles, and not everyone can handle them well.
And that’s when affairs can happen — if you
can call sexting cheating, which is all the San Antonio Spurs guard claims he did.
OK, well, whatever …
But it’s funny that we find affairs confounding when they happen to hot women — not only
Eva but Elizabeth Hurley and Shania Twain and Sandra Bullock and … The list goes on and on. Guess it makes us think, Well, if a guy could cheat on someone who looks like she does …
And then we start to worry; what hope can we Plain Janes possibly have?
Which, of course, fuels our fears about our looks, our weight, our wrinkles, our age …
when we really should looking at what kind of woman are we and how we treat our man. And, of course, if we’re a woman who loves sex (because most men do!). Because if we’re not giving it to him, happily and often …
But, shouldn’t we be just as upset if a man cheats on a Plain Jane? (and maybe even especially so in the case of someone like, say, Elizabeth Edwards — the woman had cancer, for God’s sake!)
When you think about it, why do we think being “hot” somehow magically turns our partner into someone who’ll be honest and faithful? Or that it makes for a loving, grounded sexual woman?
I don’t. Do you?
Can you be in love and still cheat?
I’ve been thinking of Garrett lately.
Garrett, the guy I dated for a long time.
Garrett, the guy I thought I would marry.
Garrett, the guy I loved so much.
Garrett, the guy I cheated on.
I hadn’t thought of Garrett in a long time, but while watching the World Series (go Giants!) and seeing more of Ian Kinsler than I ever had before, I had an eerie feeling. Ian and Garrett look a lot alike — probably not anymore, of course, because Ian’s 28 and Garrett’s a middle-aged man now, maybe even a bald and fat middle-aged man for all I know.
But, back then? He was tall and hunky and sweet and had a gorgeous smile and he loved me and … and I was sleeping with him!! Know how many girls would have loved to have slept with him? Pretty much everyone in college.
So, why did I cheat on him?
How can you cheat on someone
you love? 
It’s a question I’ve pondered quite a bit since doing the nasty deed.
That I cheated is always something that surprises me, like I didn’t even know I
had it in me, like, “Really? I did what?”
Another thing that surprises me still is how easy it was to cheat. There weren’t any cell phones or sexting or a lot of other technie gee-gaws that have since tripped
up many a man (women, too, probably,
but we tend to hear about the high-profile men). No, all I had was a phone (at work),
a guy I wanted to sleep with (and, since he pursued me, obviously wanted to sleep
with me) and a plan.
I always had a plan; If Garrett gets suspicious, who could I say I was with? What could I say I was doing? Where could I say I was?
It worked for about a year, and that’s when I ended the affair. Because I wasn’t in love with my paramour (ever notice there’s no 100 percent accurate name for the male equivalent of mistress?); I was just in love with having sex with him. It was exciting and dirty and I knew I shouldn’t be doing it, but I found a lot of ways to justify it.
And I still loved Garrett. At least, it felt that way.
But by the time the affair ended, I had made myself feel so bad about myself — What a horrible girlfriend I am! Garrett deserves someone so much better! — that Garrett and I were over, too. He never found out (or, if he did, he never said anything to me or anyone else).
Did I really love him, then?
Can you cheat on someone you truly love?
Sure, you can lust after someone and fantasize about him and still come home at night and tell your partner you love him — and mean it — and then bang him like crazy. Is that cheating? I don’t think so, but a lot of people have some odd ideas about what “cheating” is.
But, if you act on that lust, knowing how much it would hurt him, knowing how it may irreparably damage your relationship (although some relationships can survive an affair, I suppose), knowing it could mean that he kisses your cheatin’ butt goodbye (and deservedly so!) … can you really, truly say you love him?
Unless, believing you’re not going to get caught means you’re not actually hurting him/her. Or, you think that it’s “just sex,” not “love” — whatever that means.
Now, I would never cheat on anyone ever again; although the thrill of an affair is undeniably intoxicating, the fallout is ugly and I just don’t want to be that kind of person anymore. Honesty and trust matter too much to me now; I want to give and receive that.
So, can you cheat on someone you truly love?
Have you?
photo © Andrius Grigaliunas – Fotolia.com
And, on a totally different note: I know it’s easy to get cynical, frustrated, angry and apathetic, but, people, your vote counts! Tomorrow’s Election Day. Please, vote as if your life depends on it, because it does!
Do you tell your partner everything?
I knew Rex was going out of town for business, so I called Mia to see if she needed some gal time.
“Nah, thanks. I have plans.”
“Hope he’s cute,” I joked.
“What do you mean?” she said with an unusual intensity.
“I don’t mean anything, but now you’re making me feel like it is meaning something. What’s up?”
“Nothing, really. I’m just going to get together with Peter, that’s all.”
“Peter as in your old flame Peter?”
“Yeah, why?”
“Uh, I don’t know. That’s cool. If it’s cool with Rex, it’s cool with me.”
“Well, I’m not going to tell Rex.”
“How come?” 
“Because, why should I? I mean, he’s
just a friend and I love Rex and I would never do anything to hurt my guy or our relationship so … what’s to tell?”
Good question, I guess.
But what if it were Rex meeting up with
an old flame and he didn’t tell her? How would that feel?
I’m guessing she wouldn’t be so OK
with it. Unless, of course, she didn’t find out.
Which is what most of us hope happens when we don’t reveal something that we’re not sure if we should share or not. Or know that we should, but don’t.
Otherwise, we’d just say it.
Which gets into the bigger question — should we tell our partner everything?
And if we don’t, why aren’t we?
It’s simple to say, well, just tell the truth. But as Oscar Wilde says, “The truth is rarely pure and never simple.”
Especially in relationships.
We can’t be in a healthy relationship without trust and truth. And yet, we don’t always tell our partner everything. That’s not necessarily lying, but it isn’t necessarily the “whole truth,” either.
And then, if it’s discovered something was omitted … watch out!
I pretty much assume that whatever guy I’m with will be fantasizing and checking out women and feeling tempted daily — maybe hourly.
Either he’s going to be the kind of guy who acts on it or not (and if he does act on it, he’s not my guy for much longer).
But sometimes when we’re confronted with reality — Hey, I saw your sweetie having lunch with an attractive women yesterday — we feel a little twinge of, “hmm.”
Coworker? Boss? Client? Old friend? New friend?
Should we care?
Should we be sharing every little thing, especially if it involves time, however brief, spent in the company of someone of the other sex?
I know I haven’t.
Of course, I know that when I spend time with a male friend or a former flame, well, nothing’s going to “happen.” I trust myself, know my boundaries, and therefore my sweetie can trust me, too. (Yeah, yeah, I know — I once cheated on someone, long ago. I’m not “that girl” anymore).
Still, do we ever fully trust another person the same way we believe we can trust ourselves — and the way we want them to trust us?
- How much do you share with your partner, especially about time spent with the other sex?
- What if it’s time spent with a former flame?
Photo © Nathalie P – Fotolia.com
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