Should you read someone’s email or texts?
A cute 30ish couple in the early stages of romance were sitting next to Sean and me at the sushi bar last weekend. As their appetizer plates were being cleared away, the guy excused himself to go to the bathroom.
And then his cell phone — in the pocket of his jacket — started ringing. I could see the woman tense up, and I knew exactly what was going through her mind — who the heck’s calling him at 8:30 on a Saturday night?
She didn’t say anything to him when he came back, but she didn’t have to; the voicemail beeps were enough to alert for him that someone had called. He took the phone out of his pocket, glanced at the missed call number, and placed it back in his pocket without missing a beat. She smiled, a tense smile, the whole time. 
It took less than a few minutes, but I could tell it planted the seed of something that will last a lot longer — relationship insecurity. Haven’t we all been there? Our sweetie gets a call or a text at an unusual hour and our mind starts wandering.
Or perhaps we do more than wander; we look.
Is it ever OK to look at your partner’s cellphone texts or computer emails? Is it ever OK to listen to your partner’s voicemails?
Without permission, of course.
People do it all the time — that’s how Elin caught Tiger and it’s how thousands of other couples did, too. And, that’s how I caught a former boyfriend, and it’s not something I’m particularly proud of.
What makes someone look at or listen to someone else’s private stuff? Curiosity, no doubt, which, according to the old saying “killed the cat.” Yeah, well, looking didn’t kill me, but it did kill the relationship. He didn’t dump me for looking — although that probably was in his right. In any event, he wasn’t too happy about it. But, by looking I suddenly knew too much, although, hey, it was certainly stuff I needed to know — he was cheating on me!
So I dumped him.
Do the ends justify the means?
Didn’t I become just as deceitful as he was by poking around where I had no right to poke?
Why did I look? Probably because I already knew on a subconscious level that something was wrong between us, as most of us do who look or listen. If you look, something — like trust — is missing or something — like insecurities — is present in your relationship. Maybe both.
I swore I’d never do that again because it revealed an ugly side of me that I just didn’t like. I didn’t want to be that person. And, I have kept my word to myself. But that doesn’t mean that my heart hasn’t skipped a beat when Sean’s phone rings at a weird time. Although I’d feel totally OK asking, “who’s that?” But I often don’t. Because I trust. And if somehow, some way I shouldn’t trust anymore, I feel pretty confident it will eventually be revealed without me having to go looking for it.
- Is it ever OK to look at someone else’s text messages or emails, or listen to someone else’s voicemails?
- Have you done it? Has someone done it to you?
Photo © Nevena Kozekova – Fotolia.com
What to do if you’re in a sexless marriage
This should probably go in the What Would Kat Do category, but since that page doesn’t allow comments (as if!), I decided to post it here.
A fan (and I still have problems with that; shall we just call him a reader) recently wrote to me, and after a few back and forths, he agreed to let me tell his story. It isn’t a happy one.
“Jay” is a 46-year-old man, fit (by his definition), kind (ditto), smart (ditto) and, self aware (and given the exchanges we’ve had I’m going to give him the benefit of the doubt on that). Jay isn’t happy because his wife of 20-plus years — whom he loves and with whom he has kids with — is no longer interested in sex. The problem is, Jay is — very much so. In fact, he thinks about sex a lot, especially since it happens so infrequently. And he’s wondering at some point if women lose interest in sex entirely.
Good question, Jay. And the answer is … yes and no.
But, before I get ahead of myself. Let Jay put it in his own words:
Dear Kat:
I’ve been reading your blog for a while now a one thing I really appreciate is that you seem to be a woman who loves and enjoys sex.Boy , do I need to know that exists! It gives me hope that there are middle-aged women (and please don’t take that the wrong way) who still like sex.
The problem is, I’m a middle-aged man who enjoys sex, too — very much. But my wife doesn’t — although she did in our early years — and that has created a lot of stress in our marriage. I’m not ready to give up sex yet, but I can’t seem to get my wife to feel the same way. She’s just not interested in sex — in any variation— but I still am. And I’m attracted to her, even though she’s put on a few pounds; at 45, she looks good.
I asked her to go to couples counseling with me; she says we don’t need it (she suffers from depression, but doesn’t like the way meds make her feel). I asked her to talk to her doctor about it, but she says there’s nothing wrong with her. I’ve tried getting her to watch porn; intimate nights of just touch and cuddling; romancing with candlelight, soft music and her favorite food. I’ve done the “daddy porn” thing — cleaning the house, doing the laundry and taking the kids (11 and 14) out so she can have time alone. You name it, I’ve done it.
Not even a blowjob.
I’m not asking for crazy sex like the “rear door” (not that I’d mind); just the old missionary would be fine.
I don’t want to get a divorce, but short of having an affair , which I’m morally against, and pleasing myself (which I do, but it can only go so far), what can I do? It’s making me feel a little crazy. And very, very frustrated.
Signed: A normal sexual man.
Dear Jay:
Thanks for writing. Wow— that’s one of the saddest stories I’ve heard in a long time. But, you know, not all that uncommon. A lot of women lose interest in sex, but I just don’t understand that! What’s with you gals?
I can tell you that an affair isn’t going to make things better; oh, sure, it will be fun and exciting, but it won’t help your marriage.
But rather than me tell you what to do, Jay, I’ll let my readers — who are infinitely wiser than I am — offer their advice.
Readers, what say you?
What went wrong in your marriage?
“Mom?” Trent calls from the bathroom, a habit he’s had since he was a toddler.
“Yeah?” I shout back from the living room, where I’m sorting through the Christmas decorations.
“Why did you and dad murgfht?”
“Huh?” I said, coming closer to the bathroom so I decipher the muffled words.
“Why did you and dad divorce?” 
“Honey, you already know why.”
“No, not dad’s affair. I mean, what went wrong?”
Wow, good question, one he hadn’t asked before. Because it wasn’t really the affair that made my marriage implode; affairs are just symptoms of other
crap going on.
And I wasn’t sure that I could answer that fully for him. Well, I know what I did wrong and what Rob did wrong; I’m not really sure what Rob thinks.
I can tell The Kid what you should do to make a good marriage — be a present, loving partner; communicate well; have a lot of sex (not sure he’d want to hear that from me) …
I certainly wouldn’t advise him to settle.
Because marriage is, well, complicated.
And as much as studies say hubbies benefit from marriage more that the lil’ missus, a lot of men feel like this, courtesy of MGTOW, Men Going Their Own Way:
Marriage is like serving time in prison with a big fat cellmate who DOESN’T want to have sex with you.
Don’t want The Kid to feel like that!
Another gem:
The bottom line is this: Women don’t know what the f— they really want.
Guys are so f–king simple. We know EXACTLY what we want: Sex or blow jobs about 3 or 4 times a week, a good pizza or burger every now and then, and about one day a week that we can go do stuff that we like, whether it’s poker or golf or what have you. How hard is that to understand? Women, on the other hand, have NO CLUE what they want. They’ve been told they can have it all, that they need to be this or that, that they need to do this or that. I don’t think may of them honestly know what it is they want. They only know what it is they don’t have.
I’m have no idea how many guys feel like that, but I guess enough do. Yet to read the latest Pew study that announces the decline of marriage, more men than women think marriage brings happiness, and more widowers/divorced guys say they’d get hitched again. (Oddly, more think it brings a more fulfilling sex life, too; those guys really should talk to the MGTOW guys!)
If guys are so miserable in marriage, why would they want do it again and again?
But, back to the question Trent asked me — what went wrong?
My version of the story — two people got so caught up in parenting that they forgot to put as much energy into their relationship. We were conflict-avoidant, so although we didn’t argue, we still had a lot of stuff we kept under the surface. And, I didn’t speak up and address things, important things, when I should have. But it wasn’t until after the affair was unearthed that I did the soul-searching to understand all that, plus know the issues I brought to the relationship.
It’s important to know what went wrong so you don’t repeat your bad stuff again with someone new.
- So, I ask you — what went wrong?
Photo © starush – Fotolia.com
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