Take a lesson from Cleopatra
“So, what do you think of my date?” my friend Dan asked, sidling up to me as the stunning blonde went to the ladies room.
Sara and I had run into them when we’d popped into the new brewpub to get a beer after a long
sweaty hike this weekend. Dan waved us over, and I hung around when Sara had to leave to pick up her daughter.
“Well, she’s really pretty.”
“Yes, she is! But, what do you think of her?”
I didn’t quite get what he was getting at, so I went with the Wonder Bread assessment.
“She seems very nice.”
“C’mon Kat. Tell em what you really think.”
I’m always nervous when people ask me what I think of their love interest because being honest often doesn’t work out well. So, I fudged it.
“Dan, I think I should be asking you what you really think; you know her a lot better than I do, and besides, that’s all that matters, right?”
“True. Well, she’s not too with it, you know?”
“You mean she’s not too smart?”
“She’s smart, she’s just …”
And just like that, she was back at the table, all dimply and freshly lip-glossed.
We chatted some more, and I listened and watched a little more closely before I said my goodbyes.
Then I realized what she was “just” about.
She was just beautiful, but dull — there was no charm or wit to her, no curiosity.
Does that matter?
“It’s essential,” Dan said when we chatted on the phone later. “And that’s something women have forgotten.
“What do you mean?”
“Women nowadays act as if their degrees and ambition are aphrodisiacs, but they’re not.”
“Don’t guys want women who are smart?” 
“Smart’s not enough. They need to think like Cleopatra.”
“Uh, she killed herself with a snake. How smart is
that?”
“Go read about her.”
So I did. Evidently the Egyptian queen was quite the hottie in her day (although as people debate whether Angelina Jolie is the right person to portray her, Egyptologists insist she was actually “short, fat and plain”), but it really wasn’t her
beauty that captivated men or her age — although she was just 21 when she hooked up with the 52-year-old Caesar, and really, you can do no wrong at 21.
It was her wit, charm and, as Plutarch says,
the “sweetness in the tones of her voice” that made her a guy magnet.
Oh, dear; well, good luck, Valley girls …
Not to mention that she could “make herself agreeable to everyone,” as Cassius Dio says — which nowadays we’d probably have some silly self-help guru telling us to stop being such a “pleaser.”
But, is that what men want?
Dan says yes. Beauty and intelligence? Sure,
but if you can’t be playful and charming …
Guys may or may not want their intellectual equal, but they want someone who’s low-maintenance and makes him feel good, someone who’ll “make herself agreeable.”
Is being “agreeable” another word for doormat? Could be, if that’s how you feel about it. Can “agreeable” also mean manipulative? Maybe — I wouldn’t say Ms. Cleo had just her man’s best interests in mind. She had a few people offed, including her own sister, to keep her power.
But, haven’t you ever noticed that when you have a little “sweetness” in your voice that a guy will do pretty much anything for you?
Maybe to be treated like a princess we need to act like a queen!
- How important is charm and wit to you in a potential mate?
- Have women forgotten how to be “agreeable”?
- Is being “agreeable” giving up your power, or using your power?
My “yes dear” relationship
Sean and I were in my bed, naked, propped up by many pillows (not the frilly kinds), laptops on our laps (doh!), trying to coordinate custody schedules so we could figure out how we’d spend the few time slots in the upcoming weeks that we were both free.
“Mia asked us to join her and Rex for dinner on the 16th,” I said.
“Huh, that’s when that band I told you about is in town. I was hoping we’d see them.”
“Oh, baby, I really want to see them, but we haven’t been ‘social’ in, like, forever and I told her we’d love to join them but that I’d have to confirm with you, which pretty much means I told her we’d be there. I mean …”
Even as the words came out, I gagged. No wonder why guys don’t understand women — I can barely understand myself!
But Sean, verbiage trouper that he is, jumped right in, and for the next few minutes, we went back and forth — dinner, concert, dinner, concert.
Finally, he sighed and said, “Yes dear.” 
“Oh, no, no, no! You can’t pull that crap on me!”
“What?”
“You said, ‘Yes dear!’ That is the worst thing you’ve ever said to me!”
“And, what’s wrong with ‘Yes dear’?”
“‘Yes dear’ is what unhappily married, hen-pecked men say so their bitchy nagging wives will shut up and leave them alone!”
He laughed. “Your theory has as many holes as a colander because, one, we’re not married, two, you’re not my wife and, three, I’m not unhappy or hen-pecked. However …”
Before he could get to whatever No. 4 was, I jumped on top of him and held his arms down, which made us both laugh, which somehow lead to me kissing his chest, which somehow lead to me kissing all sorts of places places as I slowly migrated south …
… And, on the 16th, we dined with Mia and Rex.
Now, that’s the kind of surrendered “yes dear” man I can handle!
But, really — what to do about “yes, dear”? It’s as deadly a word combination as “We need to talk” or “I really like you … as a friend.”
Is “yes dear” a passive-aggressive way of checking out or is it the key to a happy relationship?
I guess it depends.
Even in the best relationships, there are always power struggles — he wants one thing, she wants another, now what? As someone famous once said — or maybe it was just someone’s father — you’re either going to be happy or right; what do you want?
Wait — you mean I can’t have both?!?!
Compromise is part of being a couple; it’s part of life, actually — work, school, dating, friendships. You’re not going to get everything you want, so deal! It’s like parenting a teenager — pick your battles … carefully.
Still, if one person is “yes, dearing” more than the other, I’d say there’s a problem. I don’t always want to be the one who’s compromising; I’m totally OK with the compromising part — I probably do that too well — but there’s a line between that and doormat.
I just hate those two words together. I’ve never wanted to be the “dear” part of that equation, never wanted to be the one who held the power to the point that the man I love would feel that he had to agree with me.
Even if it was obvious that I was right!
Sometimes, I’ve just wanted my guy to care as much as I do. But here’s one thing I’ve learned: Men don’t always care about the same things women care about, and even if they do, it’s not always in the same way.
They seem to have no problem with things that matter to us. I’ve seen The Kid wear dirty underwear or socks for an extra day — or none at all — rather than do laundry. This is the beauty of having a son — it’s a petri dish of manhood! You get to see men as they form!
But, yes dear?
I’d rather jump on top of Sean, gently hold him down and start kissing …
What do you think about “yes dear”?
Why men give better advice than women
“Which looks better with this?” I asked Sean, holding up two black shirts, a sleeveless turtleneck and a V-neck.
“They both look good.”
“So, one doesn’t look better than the other with this skirt?”
“They’re both black, right?” he said, although I could have sworn I heard his voice tense up a bit.
I sighed, a little louder than I probably should have.
“OK, OK, the turtleneck. Sheesh!”
“Thank you,” I said as I blew him a kiss.
And so on went the turtleneck, and off we went to a dinner party at Mia’s.
When we arrived, fashionably late, Sara sidled up next to me.
“I love that skirt: I’m so glad I talked you into buying it.”
“Me, too, but it would have been even nicer if you offered to pay for it, too,” I joked.
“You wish. But, what’s with the turtleneck? It isn’t working for me.”
“It’s working for Sean; he picked it out,” I sniffed.
“Kat, you know better than to ask a guy
what to wear.” 
She’s right, of course. Despite the fact that most uber-fashion designers are men, whenever I’ve followed a boyfriend’s fashion request in the past, I’ve typically ended up looking like some skanky Hooters waitress.
That may be OK in your 20s, but at my age?
Uh, not.
Men are good for a lot of things, but not everything. However, I often trust guys more than I trust a woman; we gals are so programmed to be “nice” that it’s often hard for us to look a girlfriend in the eyes and tell her the truth. And nice is sometimes a cover for some really not nice behavior — the bitchiness, jealousies and petty cruelties women can often resort to under the guise of being “nice.”
My girlfriends aren’t like that – they wouldn’t be my girlfriends if they were — but there are some things that I think men “get” more than women. So, when I need help, here’s what I go to them for:
- Anything mechanical — I used to think it was genetic, those “blue” jobs, until I married Rob, whose idea of fixing things was to get out the Yellow Pages and let his fingers do the walking and check-writing. I’ve gotten quite handy as have some of my girlfriends, but when the dishwasher starts making a weird grinding noise, I know who I’m going to call.
- Car maintenance — ditto.
- Beer — I like my vodka and I like my red wine, but on a hot summer day after a long hike, a cold beer is awfully nice. But since I have beer like two or three times a year, I don’t want to waste those calories on something that tastes crappy. There are too many varieties; I need help!
- Sports — I play some sports and I watch some sports, but I don’t know all the intricacies of the games, like ground rule triples (however, I do know how to make triffles and truffles, so perhaps it’s a toss up).
- Money matters — until women stop drooling over things like $10,000 Birkin bags and $700 Louboutins, I’m going with what the guys say (unless his name is Madoff).
- Me as a datable women — gals think like gals, so we can’t possibly see our flaws from a guy’s perspective. Guys will tell you straight up where you’re falling short. It may hurt, but it’s honest. If the goal is to be with a man, you gotta go to the source and ask, “Would you date me? Why or why not? And listen carefully.
- Handjobs — best thing a gal can do is watch her guy masturbate (it’s a very lovely sight, BTW). If he’s not your BF yet, ask — I’m pretty sure they’ve got it down from all that, you know, practice …
- Blowjobs — Ideally, you’d be in a threesome with two hunks who are attending mostly to you, but who might want to have a little fun themselves. Not working for you? Ask; since they own the equipment, they know what feels good.
- Gynecological stuff — I’ve always had males gynos, which may seem weird because you’d think women would know their own bodies better but many of us don’t (that’s why many women don’t enjoy sex). I figure any guy who’s become a gyno did so because, like most guys, he’s really, really interested in a woman’s body and he’s trying like hell to figure it out. Women? Not so much …
- Boyfriends — I rarely ask a gal’s opinion on a guy I’m seeing because too many care about things that I don’t, like income and power, and let that influence whom they find attractive. Since guys understand guys, I going to trust them to tell me if a guy I’m interested in is the real deal or not.
- Breakups — Same thing. The gals are mostly going to point out all his faults; I want to know where I messed up!
- Sons — Sometimes The Kid absolutely confounds me; why does he do what he does? Since kids don’t come with operating instructions, I have to turn to guys to find out if I’m mommying a male member of the species properly. On the other hand, raising a boy has helped me understand men, like forget about asking them what they’re thinking about once puberty hits; sometimes it’s really nothing.
- Career advice — the worst bosses I ever had — ever — were women (see above for bitchiness, jealousy and petty cruelty remark). Plus, most women don’t know how to negotiate raises and contracts — I sure don’t, and it’s cost me plenty. When it comes to being aggressive about work, I want a guy to tell me how to do it, unapologetically.
Still, there are some things I’m just never going to ask a guy and take his advice seriously, like:
- Techie stuff — OK, they may know all about the iPad and latest Blu-ray whatever, but too many guys love all the bells and whistles on this stuff so they can — well, I don’t know what they want to do with it! Probably watch porn. All I know is, I don’t want it, I most likely don’t need it and I’d rather not have to even think about it.
- Directions — Uh, I think this one’s obvious!
- Weight — Never, ever, ask a man about your weight. If you have to ask a guy if something makes you look fat, you either 1. have really bad body image issues and would better off going to get some pro help, or 2. are really fat. Either way, he’s going to break out into a sweat just having to think about it, let alone answer truthfully. I think most of us can figure it out without dragging the poor guys into it.
- Fashion — duh, unless you’re going for the skanky Hooters look.
Everything else, I rely on my gals.
How about you? What do you trust women for when it comes to advice, and what do you trust guys for?
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