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Oct 22

Staring, creeps and sexual needs

Posted on Friday, October 22, 2010 in Kat, Men, Sex/sexuality, Women

Just came upon this interesting article over at the Good Men Project, asking Why do we demonize men who are honest about their sexual needs, which adds to the conversation about staring and the anxiety women feel sometimes when a man crosses over into “creep” category.

Give it a read, and tell me what you think.

Apr 14

She hit him so he must have deserved it

Posted on Wednesday, April 14, 2010 in Affairs/infidelity, Honesty, Relationships

“You know,” Sara to me as watched taped snippets of the Masters on the bar TV, “I’m kinda regaining a certain respect for Tiger.”

“You have got to be kidding me.”

“No, actually not.”

“Please don’t tell me you’re buying the spin at his press conference or that calculated Nike ad, are you?”

“Of course not! I just like the fact that he’s never ratted on Elin.”

“Meaning?”

“He protected her.”              

“You mean he denies that she hit him?”

“Right.”

“And that’s good?”

“Well …”

“What if she denied he hit her? Would that
be good?”

Sara was silent.

But I know what most of us would say — no,
that wouldn’t be OK. We wouldn’t believe her, anyway. We know men hit women.

But is it OK if a woman hits a man?

I am not a violent woman, or so I believed And yet, when I first discovered Rob’s affair, I absolutely lost it — just like I imagine Elin did. And I hit him. Not hard because, honestly, I didn’t even have the strength, I was crying so hard. But I wanted to hurt him — just like he’d hurt me.

It was the first — and last — time I hit a man, but it still scares the crap out of me to think I was able to do that. It was a “crime of passion” as so many relationship crimes are. Sadly, there’s often a gun in the house, too, and we all know where that leads. Still, I make no excuses for it; I did it, I have to live with it, I have learned from it.

But as a society we seem to be much more OK with a woman hitting a man than a man hitting a woman — why?

And why does it seem noble that a man would protect a woman, as Tiger supposedly is protecting Elin? Many men don’t want to admit that they’ve been abused; after all, they’re supposed to be the stronger sex. What would it feel like to admit that you’d been smacked by your 5-foot-2, 100-pound sweetie? That’s why many men don’t talk about it. That’s why you don’t see fundraisers for abused men shelters. But it doesn’t make it any less real.

If we’re seeking equality between the sexes, then abuse should be treated equally, no matter which sex is the one doing the hurting. A man protecting a woman wouldn’t be seen as a good thing, and we wouldn’t think, as most of us do, that a woman abusing a man means he somehow deserved it.

  • Have you ever hit your partner?
  • Have you ever been hit?
  • Do you react differently if you see a woman abusing a man than the other way around?

More ramblings on abuse:

Who’s a better parent, a liar or an abuser?

Dec 28

Who’s a better parent, a liar or an abuser?


Here’s how Christmas looked at my house (well, let’s just ignore all the dust bunnies for now) —  even though The Kid was supposed to be with me Christmas Eve, he slept at his dad’s because that’s when Rob’s family has their big holiday to-do and that’s noted in our custody arrangement. The Kid came back to me Christmas Day, because that’s when my family does our thing (and we can ignore the rather meager gifts under the tree, too).

As much as Rob and I may not be able to live together and even though it hasn’t always been easy, we’re pretty good co-parents — and Trent has been the one to benefit. He’s with me half the time, and his dad the other half.

So I’m wondering how the Tiger Woods divorce is going to play out — Elin Nordegren wants full custody of their kids, Sam, 2, and Charlie, 10 months old. Now, I think parents should have joint custody as much as possible unless one parent is truly unfit; kids need their moms and their dads, and they need them in equal amounts.

But, what’s “unfit”?

                      © EchoArt/Fotolia.com

© EchoArt/Fotolia.com

Tiger dipped his dick into a dozen-plus skanky pussies, sent dirty text messages to his mistresses, paid them shush money and lied to his wife; Elin allegedly went after Tiger with a golf club, resulting in the cuts and bruises on his face.

Who is a more fit parent?

Hmmm.

Given a liar and a person who gets so upset over someone’s lies that she turns violent, I’m pretty sure I’d take the liar.

Perhaps it’s understandable that Elin would want to hurt Tiger; he sure as hell hurt her. Not (as far as we know) physically (although he absolutely put her at risk of STDs and HIV), but emotionally. I know exactly what it’s like to discover that your hubby has been cheating on you; I can’t imagine dealing with the parade of mistress confessions Elin has had to deal with after that first discovery. I might lose my mind, too!

But turn violent? We don’t tolerate men abusing women; do we tolerate women abusing men?

Well, maybe it was a one-time thing. It’s nice to think that, but who knows? And I sure wouldn’t want to be the judge putting kids solely into the hands of a parent who has a violent streak (and plans to move with her kids halfway around the world, away from their dad). And you can’t be swayed by who we’re talking about here — a billionaire sports hero; imagine we’re talking about any other suburban family.

Because here’s a no-brainer: Parenting is stressful, and all of us at times lose it. Enter the mommy screamathon, which Dad’s House, “Dad” aka David Mott, discusses on an “ABC News Now” segment on “flip-out moms“:

“When Parents Flip Out – you know that moment when your kids drive you to the absolute brink, and you go ballistic shouting at them to correct whatever is wrong? Clean up your mess! Put your shoes away! Get your homework done! Quit fighting! etc.

Not every parent flips out like that. I happen to be one who stays cool, calm, and collected.”

What if a flip-out mom decides to use her fist — or a golf club — instead of her voice?

The worst part of discovering adultery isn’t really the sex, it’s the lying. Well, here’s what happens when your kids grow into teenagers — they start lying. All teenagers lie to various degrees, and if you think yours isn’t, you’re lying to yourself. Parents can’t flip out — and turn violent — when the lying starts.

Yeah, yeah, I know —  I’m as tired of Tiger’s saga as much as anyone else, and I honestly couldn’t care less about celebrity divorces or celebrities in general. But shouldn’t we explore what we consider “fit” parenting and how we decide who gets sole custody?

  • When should a parent get full custody?
  • What is a “fit” parent?
  • Should a parent lose part or full custody over infidelity?
  • Do we tolerate abuse from women differently than from men?
  • And, would Elin’s shade of blond look good on me?