“What’s with you?”

“Nothing, why?”

“Did Rex rock your sexy little world last night? You look pretty damn pleased with yourself.”

“Oh, ha! No, this guy in my yoga class was shocked when he found out how old I am. He told me I look 10 years younger.”

“Well, you do. Yeah, when I told a gal how old
I was the other day, she said I looked great for
my age.”     

“Ugh, I hate that ‘for your age’ thing. It’s like such
a backhanded compliment.”

“Me, too. What exactly does my age look like?”

Do you know?

“For your age” is not something you hear when you’re in your 20s and 30s, the decades of youth and assumed beauty, although, honestly, I’ve seen a lot of not so-attractive 20- and 30-somethings.

Then, at some point around your 40s, you enter
that particular subset of beauty — the  “for your
age” subset.

I suppose it’s a compliment, but again — what is
a middle-aged woman “supposed” to look like? Damned if I know, but I’m certainly not going to
turn to the world at large to help me figure it out.

Some women my age are wearing Lane Bryant
size 18s. They’re overweight and under-exercised, and they’ve let themselves go. Compared with them, you bet I look great! Is that what my age is “supposed” to look like? No thank you!

And then there are the women my age who’ve
turned themselves into living Barbie dolls, adding or subtracting body parts like Mrs. Potato Head, injecting chemicals and fillers to smooth, boost and erase, re-creating themselves into what they want to look like and not who they really are. Is that what my age is “supposed” to look like? God, I hope not!

OK, sure — there are many people who think those women look a lot better than I do. Maybe they do. But beyond my minor beauty sleights-of-hand — highlighting my hair (which is not permanent, BTW), a little lipstick, eyeshadow and mascara and keeping the aging wolves at bay by moisturizing like hell — I’m just not interested in putting my body through that.

And, I don’t think it even think it looks good. It looks fake.

I don’t have some secret-to-youth beauty routine. I don’t do anything extraordinary, certainly not anything expensive. In fact, I’m pretty shocked — and very, very thankful — that all those years of my “youthful indiscretions” and of blowing off my mom’s warnings about sunscreen and moisturizer before I got with the program didn’t damage me for good.

Perhaps my “looking great” is genetic. Maybe, I should thank my mom and dad although I didn’t think like that when I was younger.

I was part of the “hope I die before I get old” generation, so I used to look at my parents and think, “You’re just so old!” There was nothing about them that looked or acted youthful.

Yet when I looked through an album of family photos recently, I was blown away by one of my mom taken when she was around my age, maybe a few years younger. Her lips were lush and red, her tight shirt displayed her ample bosom and tiny waist, her face was vibrant and sexy. My mom was a babe! A middle-aged hottie. How could I not have seen that when I was younger?

I guess our vision of what middle age looks like is still being guided by our impressions from when we were young and flawless. We saw wrinkles, saggy arms, veiny legs. And, you know, most of us do start looking like that when we’re “old” old — although who knows if people in their 70s and 80s see it that way. I’ll let you know when I get there.

So, I’m neither flattered nor upset when people tell me that I look great “for my age,” whether they mean it sincerely or whether it’s a backhanded way to point out that I’m old … or at least older than they are. Instead, I just thank them.

Inside, though, I may snicker.

All that really matters is that when I look in the mirror, I honestly can say that, yeah, I’m looking pretty good. I care enough about myself to care for myself; how can I expect anyone else to care about me if I don’t do it myself? And, really, that attitude looks good at any age.

• How do you decide if someone looks good, or do you judge it by his/her age?
• Is it a compliment if someone tells you that, or …?
• What’s your beauty “secret”?
  

Photo © Angelika Bentin – Fotolia.com

In part because we just passed International Forgiveness Day (did you know that even existed, or is that an “Only in Marin” kinda thing?) and because of a posting by Big Little Wolf’s Daily Plate of Crazy that elicited some comments (including by yours truly).

You can read it for yourself (and you should), but I was taken by something Big Little Wolf (whom I respect a lot) said:

“forgiveness is possible if you’re talking about someone who is dead, or long gone, or who ceases to threaten or hurt. When you find yourself still in the heat of it after years, it isn’t about forgiveness. It’s about protecting your children from the source of the ongoing manipulation and harmful acts. It’s about survival. These aren’t past actions we’re talking about. This is the present for some of us. A present that lasts for many years, and with no end in sight.”

When I brought up the concept of forgiveness,  Mindy Single Mom added this:

“being told things along the lines of “forgiveness will set you free” seems condescending. … Forgiving and thinking positive is not a solution under these circumstances but finding a way to end it would be, and that starts by discussing it and gaining some understanding of the problem.”

Sure; a lot of people have a lot of things much worse than I have — or have ever had — in my life. And, yes, speaking the truth — and fighting for it — is essential.

Focusing just on forgiveness, I wonder if that is so, that we can only forgive someone who
harms us if the harming is in the past, not a constant present. And if forgiveness is indeed condescending. I wonder if forgiveness is
one of those situational things; you know, you’re anti-abortion and then your teenaged daughter gets knocked up by a rapist,
you’re anti-death penalty and then your fiance gets murdered.

I tend to think it’s not.

If you read the stories of some of the “heroes” of International Forgiveness Day,” it does make you pause.

I know what the Bible says about forgiveness, but without getting all religious on you (which I’m not; hey, I’m from NorCal, so I’m “spiritual, not religious”), everything I know about forgiveness is to set the person being hurt free from having to carry the burden of anger against those harming him or her.

What I understand about forgiveness is that:

• Forgiveness doesn’t excuse anyone.
• Forgiveness doesn’t mean we’re ignoring or denying anything.
• Forgiveness doesn’t mean accepting bad behavior as “right.”
• Forgiveness doesn’t mean we’re giving someone a “buy” or that he/she’s “off the hook.”
  
• Forgiveness doesn’t mean that we can use it as a weapon, hanging bad behavior over someone’s head forever.
  

No — forgiveness means that we are stop thinking of ourselves as a “victim” (even if things totally suck) and start taking control of our emotions and choosing to start the healing on our own. Because, you know, ain’t no one else who’s going to do it for for us … and no one else can.

Not that this is a reason to feel forgiveness, but nothing pisses someone off more than when you don’t allow yourself to react to his/her bad shit.

If we don’t buy into the hurt that people want to hurl at us, well, what recourse do they have?

Exactly.

The only one who suffers is the one doing the hurting.

And, maybe, that person will find compassion … and stop.

I think of Leonard Cohen’s words:

Like a bird on the wire
like a drunk in a midnight choir
I have tried in my way to be free …
If I, if I have been unkind
I hope that you can just let it go by.
If I, if I have been untrue
I hope you know it was never to you.

• Is forgiveness only for events that have happened in the past?
• Have you struggled with forgiveness?
• Do you only forgive when someone asks to be forgiven?
  
• Have you asked for forgiveness, and not gotten it?
  

Photo © Lars Lachmann — Fotolia.com.  

“Excuse me, Missy, but am I chopped liver? Aren’t we sharing it?”

“You know what I mean; a guy.”

“You’ll find him, sweetie,” I said, trying to sound reassuring even though I know there’s a very real possibility she won’t.

She sighed. “I’m just so tired of being single.”      

Ah, yes, “being single” — the condition in which many married people wish they were, and in which many single people wish they weren’t.

Which is kind of odd because so much of what Sara loves about being single is her freedom; me, too. No one to answer to, no one to compromise with, no one who has to nag remind us to leave the toilet seat down or to replace the toothpaste cap.

All the niggling details of being coupled that tear away at intimacy and romance and often leave resentment, bitterness and disappointment in their wake.

If only being single wasn’t so … alone.

Except, I’m perfectly happy being alone.

Does that make me weird?

There’s a perception that being alone means lonely; OK, sometimes they’re one and the same. There are 104 million single people in the United States — there’s just no way to know how many are happily single and how many want to be coupled or “unsingle.” Despite surveys that proclaim how happy singles are, the never-ending stupid “How to be single and happy” Cosmo, eHow and Helium articles would make you think, well, perhaps we’re not all as happy as we say we are.

Regardless, learning to be happy alone is one of the most valuable gifts we can give ourselves. Because only we can create our own happiness, no one else. And, we may end up being single for most if not all of our lives. Then what?

There’s nothing worse than being single and wanting not to be single … except perhaps being not single and wishing you were. Feeling alone in a relationship sucks. So does the desperation of wanting to be coupled so much that we find ourselves in relationships we really shouldn’t be in just so we don’t have to be lonely alone.

Despite the whole Quirky Alone movement (which probably has already gone the way of chia pets and pet rocks) and the writings of such singles advocates as Bella DePaulo, author of Singled Out: How Singles Are Stereotyped, Stigmatized, and Ignored, and Still Live Happily Ever After, I wonder if most singles feel totally happy and complete being single for the rest of their lives, or if they see it as a temporary situation until someone comes along.

And I wonder if women worry more about being single than men do (or is it that society feels more uncomfortable with single women than single men? She’s the old maid or spinster, he’s the lifelong bachelor — which sounds better?).

Interesting what John DeVore, the Frisky’s Mind of Men columnist says:

Men don’t fear the “single” label. We have our own issues and fears, but they are likewise illusory, socially created scarecrows … Men don’t mind being “single,” because we have mythologies that celebrate the whole notion of being on your own.

True; aren’t most of the heroes of our myths men whose women live in the periphery of their lives — if they even have them, that is? Do women have the same mythologies? I don’t think so, but I think society has many mythologies for us (see old maid/spinster references above, or the rumors swirling around powerful women who aren’t married or mothers, like Elena Kagan).

Look at “Sex and the City’s” Samantha, a single woman who wasn’t all that concerned with being coupled — just copulating. She seemed perfectly happy being on her own, enjoying her career and having her close connections with her friends (who mostly did want to be coupled). But her happiness in her life as a solo woman was judged because she was a sexual solo woman (although if she wasn’t sexual, she’d be judged, too — spinster, anyone?)

Like Samantha, I don’t know how to make being single work unless I have the sexual part, too. That’s part of the “happily single” formula for me because I’m just not into the celibacy thing.

Of course, I’m not single right now — I have a boyfriend and love, even though we don’t live together and I am often alone. Nor am I alone — I have a kid who lives with me part time, so that’s hardly “alone.”

Boyfriend or not, though, I’m happy being by myself (I’m pretty good company) and I’ve been happy being single — as long as I can have sex in my life.

• How do you define happiness as a single person?
• Could you be happy as a single forever, or do you plan to have your singledom be just a transitory phase?
• How much does sex factor into that?
  
• Is being “alone” for you a happy thing, or is it “loneliness”?

More single ramblings:

Commitment and freedom; can you have both?

photo © Nathalie P – Fotolia.com

Because he was a nice, fit, attractive middle-aged man, a lot of women came on to him. It was weird for him; no one had paid him that much attention in years. It felt good.

One day, not too long after his divorce, he met someone really nice, too. Not only was she nice, but she was divorced, smart, pretty and a loving and devoted mom, so she “got” it. Plus the sex was great and they shared a lot of the same interests. They started spending more and more time together, and they went from dating to an exclusive relationship.

And then, the Nice Guy realized, whoa — I just got out of a long-time marriage. I haven’t had any time to just be, to experience life as a middle-aged single dad, to figure out what I want now that I’m not looking to have
babies with a woman.
Who am I now?

So the Nice Guy told that to his girlfriend, that although
he loves being with her, he’s not really sure he’s ready to settle down until he’s figured out a few things. It all happened so fast, so soon. His nice girlfriend tried to understand, but also felt somewhat pimped; why
didn’t he say anything
before? They split, both feeling as if they’d been
blindsided.

Months later, after experiencing life solo and meeting many more women and dating a lot, the Nice
Guy realized that although
he met a lot of interesting,
attractive and smart women, none had all the qualities that his nice former girlfriend had. He started to wonder if she was The One. Now, he panicked — did he make a mistake? Should he have said, “Well, I’m not really ready for this, but I’m going for it anyway!”

In another part town lived a Nice Gal, an attractive, fit woman, a loving mother and wife. Her husband had other ideas, however, and one day they divorced. She wasn’t bitter, but she was very sad. With each day, the pain got a little less painful, and a little more joy found its way into her heart.

Because she was a nice, fit, attractive middle-aged woman, she hoped she’d meet someone someday. Defying the odds for women her age, she meet a nice, smart, attractive divorced dad — quicker than she ever could have imagined. Although in many ways he was different than the kind of man she thought she’d be with, he charmed her and she liked being with him. Even though she thought that it was way too soon to get involved with someone, they started spending more time together and before she knew it, they were in an exclusive relationship.

But then she’d panic. “I can’t do this! It’s too soon!” she’d tell him, and they’d break up. But then she’d feel lonely and — realizing how much she missed him and how much about him she treasured — they’d get back together. And he was always there, waiting for her to come back; he wanted to be with her.

They’re still together, but every once and a while she wonders, is there a better match for me? How do you know if someone’s The One?

They say timing is everything — whoever “they” are. I don’t know if it’s everything, but it certainly plays a part in a lot of things — from how we develop as embryos to our careers to our love life. Not all of us have the big timing decisions — do we go for the multimillion dollar NBA contract or finish college? — but we all have smaller versions of that. And few distress us as much as the ones that involve love.

What if we meet The One when we’re not ready for him or her?

I can’t deny that timing has a lot to do with the complicated feelings of Nice Guy and Nice Gal.

I want desperately to believe that if two people are meant to be together that they will find each other when the timing is right. But, I’m smart enough to realize, hey, life offers no guarantees.

Not to say that everyone who stays in a relationship when he/she isn’t ready for it will forever be cross-examining it and wondering, “Is there something better out there?”

But I do believe this: unless we have the alone time to figure out who we are as middle-aged divorced moms and dads, it’s hard to give The One the attention and commitment he or she deserves and that we truly want to give.

If we can even figure out if he or she is The One, that is.

• How has timing played a part in your love life?

Photo © petar Ishmeriev – Fotolia.com

“I don’t know. I think it’s too bright,” she said. “What do you think, Sean?”

“Uh, I’m not the one to ask. I’m colorblind.”

“You are?” Sara looked stunned, although I was pretty sure I’d told her that before. “So, what color is this?” she said, grabbing
a blue cocktail napkin
and flashing it before
his face.    

Sean sighed at the familiar exercise; everyone who finds out he’s colorblind wants to play the “color game.” “Look, I can tell you
what I see, but your colors and my colors are different, so what’s the point? We see things differently, that’s all.”

Ah, yes — and isn’t that true about everything?

Haven’t you ever been on a first date that you thought went great, and then you never hear
from him again? I’m guessing he obviously didn’t share your version of reality (although there could be many reasons why he disappeared).

We see the world differently. But it’s not just a guy or gal thing, although, granted, the sexes often see things waaaay different. She thinks the weekend they spent together having sex every which way in every possible location is one step closer to relationship status; he thinks, “Wow, I can’t believe how much sex we had!”

Each of us has different needs and perspectives, and whatever we experience is filtered through that, as well as whatever other distractions are going on in our head at the moment — which is exactly why we can’t see things quite the way other people see things, even though we think we’re seeing or experiencing the same thing.

That’s why when you’re hanging with others and there’s an “incident,”  you’ll have as many versions of “the truth” as people who were there. Whose version is “right” or “real”?

Not to get all Rashomon on you, but wouldn’t they all be?

Makes you question whether “reality” is really real.

It can be frustrating, and sometimes I feel like, “wow, you’re not really understanding what’s going on here.” But maybe I’m not!

That wouldn’t be a problem if we approach each other with an understanding that we’re not all the same. The problem is when we start insisting that out interpretation is better than another’s or it’s the “right” one, or if we judge others for their experiences.

And we do that all the time, sometimes in big, dangerous ways, and other times in tiny ways.

“Ugh, I never want us to be like that couple over there,” I recently said to Sean, jerking my head in the direction of a couple sitting at a restaurant table in silence across from each other, seemingly lost in their own thoughts and joyless in their relationship. “How sad that they have nothing to say to each other!”

“Really?” he said, sounding totally surprised. “I was just thinking how peaceful they look, content in their quiet togetherness.”

And so it goes …

• Ever had a shared experience with someone whose perception was vastly different than yours?
• Has someone insisted that your perception of something is “wrong”?
  

Photo © Christopher Hall – Fotolia.com

Do we need to feel “special” past the age when our Moms and Dads told us that we were?

Do we abuse the idea of what we “deserve”?

I don’t know on the “special” thing, and I’d say, sure, we probably can and do abuse our notion of what we “deserve.” Still, most of us don’t want to be with someone who makes us feel like crap. So, why do we tolerate it?

Good question.

So I felt somewhat validated when I read this:

“If you want true power and control over your love life, it’s about breaking that pattern of trying to fix relationships with broken men who treat you like crap, and making healthier decisions about about men. …  (Y)ou’re going to realize that you don’t want a guy who doesn’t make you feel special. You’re going to be free to have a relationship with a man who actually gives you the love you deserve.”

It’s from dating coach Evan Marc Katz‘s new ebook, “Why He
Disappeared.”  

Disclosure: I was approached by Katz to become an affiliate in the book, meaning I could stand to profit from its sales. I have nothing against making money, but I won’t endorse anything I don’t believe in. So, I asked if I could read it first, and I have.

Do I believe in it?

I’ve read my share of self-help books, and so many of them are filled with stuff we already know!

But do we follow through?

Not so much. And that’s the reason why we keep making bad choices in our life when it comes to relationships and other things.

Perhaps it isn’t bad to have a reminder now and then; it’s kinda why we read some blogs anyway, right? To check in on
whether what we’re feeling is “normal” or not.

So, there are a few things Evan’s got going for him.

1. Evan’s blog is on my blogroll — not something I take lightly.
2. He’s a guy; as I’ve said before, most of your gal friends are going to be “yes” women; they’ll tell you what you want to hear, not what you need to hear — which is whatever responsibility we may have in a guy’s disappearance. Not because they’re being manipulative or disingenuous, but because they’re women, too! If you want to know how you rate as girlfriend material, ask a guy. Blowjobs, too.
3. Evan gave Lori Gottlieb dating advice, and, boy, does the girl need it — she rejected a guy for his name! His advice is part of her book “Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough.” Now, I didn’t love the book (too long, self-absorbed, blah, blah), but some of it makes a lot of sense to me (although I still shudder, as so many others do, at the word “settle”; it’s a loaded word), and I’ll bet the parts that make sense to me are the parts Evan’s in.
4. Just the other day, I wrote how we gals have it all wrong; we’ve accomplished so much, we’re making big bucks (well, not me, but others are!), we’ve got fancy titles at work and maybe we have the coveted corner office. You go, girls, But, guess what? Women’s degrees and ambition aren’t aphrodisiacs or turn-ons. Evan has been saying that, too: “Ambitious, successful, strong — the qualities in which you may take the most pride — are not your most desirable assets to most men. It’s not that they don’t matter. It’s that what most men want on a first date is a woman who is easygoing, fun, and appreciative.”

He is so right about that!

Other things he says that I like:

• The qualities that attract us to each other also repel: “We love your feistiness. We tire of the battles; We love your active mind. We tire of the arguments; We love your passion. We tire of the drama.” (OK, guys can have drama, too, but whatever.)
• If you want a masculine guy, embrace your passive feminine side.
• Most guys aren’t bad guys, some are just clueless; cut them some slack.
• Don’t live by arbitrary rules, like you’ll only have sex after x-number of dates. All we have to do is figure out if a guy is interested in us or sex. If we don’t know the answer, don’t get naked!; go ahead if we think we do.
• Don’t rush through a relationship as if we’re trying to get to the end of a novel; let things develop organically, not with insecurity and fear of what’s next.
• The best we can do to keep a guy around is by enhancing his life — “making it better, easier, and more pleasurable than if he was single.” Kinda like wanting to feel special.
• It’s not like Evan wants us to be doormats, but choosing the battles — as any mom of a teenager knows — is key; “by letting go of control of the small things, you get to win the big ones.”
• When it comes to a man accepting who we are — Meredith Brooks’ declaration that a guy should “take me as I am; this may mean you’ll have to be a stronger man” isn’t always the right way. “Alter the perception of who you are.” We all tend to focus on our own needs, not always our guy’s needs. Hey, he has them too.

Ultimately, here’s the book’s take-home message:

“(I)f you were dating a good, solid, relationship-oriented man who suddenly disappeared, chances are not that he’s threatened; but that he’s looking for someone who makes him feel better about himself than you do.”

That’s hard to hear, but hear it we must. Guess guys like to feel “special,” too.

So, do you need to read “Why He Disappeared“?

If you can figure this stuff out on your own and stick to it without downing numerous pints of Ben & Jerry’s or Lemon Drops, and burning out your girlfriends as you “process” for the umpteenth time, probably not.

If you want to have a comforting “I know what you’re going through” voice to keep you true to yourself, then by all means, buy it.

Here’s the link to “Why He Disappeared“; the ebook, audio and video package is on sale through Sunday (with a one-year money-back guarantee, longer than many relationships!).

Just tell him you were sent by Kat …

… who probably should be writing, “Why She Disappeared.”

• Do you believe your partner should make you feel “special”?
• What does feeling “special” look like?

“OK, please tell me you’re not going to talk the whole time about ‘Eat Pray Love,’ OK?” I announced to Sara and Mia. They’d gone to late show Saturday night, and I knew they were itching to drag me into the post-divorce self-discovery drama.

“But, we still processing,” Mia said.  “Women were crying in the theater. It’s very, very cathartic.”

“Process away. Just
keep me out of it.”    

“Honesty, Kat, what’s your problem? She found happiness after an unhappy marriage, just like we did,” Sara said, a hint of snark in her voice. “What in the world is there not to
like about her story?”

“Look, anyone can find some sort of happiness traveling the world for a year
if they don’t have to worry about paying for it and finding enlightenment in India. I mean, that’s
why people go to India in the first place, for goodness sake!” I said. “But, really — what woman eats with such abandon without freaking about getting fat?”

“So, that’s why you don’t like it?”

“No. I just think it’s self-absorbed and gives women a skewed message.”

“Like?”

“Look, we didn’t find ourselves while traipsing around the world. The real test of life post-divorce is being happy living your normal life. You know, the one when you wake up every day, go to work, do the laundry, figure out how to get your kid to the dentist and soccer when you’re in an office across the bridge from him, deal with the ex and make ends meet.”

Mia and Sara looked at me with scrunched up faces as if they were searching for some sort of a rebuttal. But what was there to say?

I’m all for escaping away from our regular life and finding adventure, spirituality, Javier Bardem. If I could, I’d do it in a heartbeat.

But the path to self-discovery for a woman post divorce has little to do with pasta and ashrams, and everything to do with being on her own and figuring out “Who am I now, at my age, without a husband?”

And key to that is learning how to be alone.

Most of us didn’t do that. We went from the pink-carpeted rooms of our childhood to bunking with college roomies to shacking up with a sweetie or two to the marital bed of a picket-fenced home — where so many of us lost ourselves.

I know some 8 million (mostly female) readers found Elizabeth Gilbert’s story an inspiration. She found herself! She found love! She made millions!

If she could do it, we can, too!

And maybe we could. But I wish she found herself, love and happiness from making better choices while living her normal life. Because most of us will never be able to take a year off to do what she did — and what does that mean for us when it comes to self-discovery?

• Have you “discovered” yourself post-divorce, or are you still on that path?
• Is it better to “find yourself” in exotic locales, or living your day-today life?
  

“What are you talking about?”

“Just because Jodie Fisher posed nude and did a little soft porn like 10 years ago, she’s seen as some bimbo gold-digging slut who brought
down a hot-shot CEO — as if he had
nothing to do with it.”     

“Well, he …”

“He’s married, for crap’s sake!”

“Yes, but …”

“Look, maybe she is a gold-digger. Maybe the whole sexual harassment claim is bogus. But
what does her past have to do with it? Is making porn or posing nude a crime?”

No, it’s not, at least not in the United States. As
a matter of fact, your neighbors are probably posting last night’s amateur sex tapings on the Internet right now. And your teenage daughter? She just sextexted some hottie she hopes to sit next to in AP English when school starts later this month. Or, maybe it was to the really cute teacher.

Is Fisher any better or worse than a certain recent president who tossed off his druggie past as “youthful indiscretion”? Probably not.

The difference is this — she’s attractive, she’s a woman and it has something to do with sex. That’s a deadly threesome.

I know quite a few women who have been
sexually harassed, including me. Would I have sued one of my harassers? Hey, I’d love to see justice, because some of them made things really crappy for me at work. But there was that time I had sex with a man I barely knew in a public place; and the time I wore that uber-slutty outfit when I was in college (the only age you can absolutely get away with such antics) and hoping to sleep with the lead guitarist of a band I liked; and at least one of my former boyfriends has Polaroids of me being a nasty little girl.

How likely would it be that those things would work against me?

I don’t know, but you can ask Jodie Fisher.

OK, so my “youthful indiscretions” probably never made it past someone’s now-failing memory or crumpled in a nightstand drawer. I wasn’t in a Playboy collegiate spread or a movie like “Intimate Obsession.“

Not to say that I wouldn’t if had someone asked. But, whatever …

No, I didn’t profit from my sexuality, but I’m guessing that wouldn’t get me off the hook. Ms. Fisher, who had dreams of stardom, worked her looks and bod — which all gals do to a certain extent. And it’s happening younger and younger, thanks to a hottie-obsessed society. hey, people — sex sells! But, she got paid for it, too. Maybe we just don’t like that.

We all like watching porn (well, many of us), we have pole-dancing girls nights out, we sextext naked pictures of ourselves to our sweetie yet we judge those make their living from the same things. That’s weird.

HP’s Mark Hurd leaves with $28 million. Fisher’s working at her mom’s staffing agency, in between a dry cleaner and a hair salon, in a small strip mall in New Jersey, raising her son.

But I’ll bet somewhere someone’s offering her lots of money to pose nude again. Because, we’ll want to see it!

If I had a daughter, I’d be so making sure she wasn’t posting anything sexy on Facebook or sending naked pics of herself over her cellphone. But, I have a son; I guess I have nothing to worry about.

• Why do we diss women who make a living off of their looks and bod (while hoping to them naked at the same time?
• Does someone’s sexual past matter in a sexual harassment suit?
  

Sara and I had run into them when we’d popped into the new brewpub to get a beer after a long
sweaty hike this weekend. Dan waved us over, and I hung around when Sara had to leave to pick up her daughter.

“Well, she’s really pretty.”

“Yes, she is! But, what do you think of her?”

I didn’t quite get what he was getting at, so I went with the Wonder Bread assessment.

“She seems very nice.”

“C’mon Kat. Tell em what you really think.”

I’m always nervous when people ask me what I think of their love interest because being honest often doesn’t work out well. So, I fudged it.

“Dan, I think I should be asking you what you really think; you know her a lot better than I do, and besides, that’s all that matters, right?”

“True. Well, she’s not too with it, you know?”

“You mean she’s not too smart?”

“She’s smart, she’s just …”

And just like that, she was back at the table, all dimply and freshly lip-glossed.

We chatted some more, and I listened and watched a little more closely before I said my goodbyes.

Then I realized what she was “just” about.

She was just beautiful, but dull — there was no charm or wit to her, no curiosity.

Does that matter?

“It’s essential,” Dan said when we chatted on the phone later. “And that’s something women have forgotten.

“What do you mean?”

“Women nowadays act as if their degrees and ambition are aphrodisiacs, but they’re not.”

“Don’t guys want women who are smart?”      

“Smart’s not enough. They need to think like Cleopatra.”

“Uh, she killed herself with a snake. How smart is
that?”

“Go read about her.”

So I did. Evidently the Egyptian queen was quite the hottie in her day (although as people debate whether Angelina Jolie is the right person to portray her, Egyptologists insist she was actually “short, fat and plain”), but it really wasn’t her
beauty that captivated men or her age — although she was just 21 when she hooked up with the 52-year-old Caesar, and really, you can do no wrong at 21.

It was her wit, charm and, as Plutarch says,
the “sweetness in the tones of her voice” that made her a guy magnet.

Oh, dear; well, good luck, Valley girls …

Not to mention that she could “make herself agreeable to everyone,” as Cassius Dio says — which nowadays we’d probably have some silly self-help guru telling us to stop being such a “pleaser.”

But, is that what men want?

Dan says yes. Beauty and intelligence? Sure,
but if you can’t be playful and charming …

Guys may or may not want their intellectual equal, but they want someone who’s low-maintenance and makes him feel good, someone who’ll “make herself agreeable.”

Is being “agreeable” another word for doormat? Could be, if that’s how you feel about it. Can “agreeable” also mean manipulative? Maybe — I wouldn’t say Ms. Cleo had just her man’s best interests in mind. She had a few people offed, including her own sister, to keep her power.

But, haven’t you ever noticed that when you have a little “sweetness” in your voice that a guy will do pretty much anything for you?

Maybe to be treated like a princess we need to act like a queen!

• How important is charm and wit to you in a potential mate?
• Have women forgotten how to be “agreeable”?
• Is being “agreeable” giving up your power, or using your power?
  

“Who, Miley?

“No, you know,” Sara said, hoping my middle-aged brain would know what hers obviously couldn’t remember.

“Lady Gaga?”

“No, Gaga’s celibate, remember?”

“Oh, right,” I said halfheartedly because, honestly, I have no interest in celebrities. But I tossed out every name I could think of because that’s what good friends have to do sometimes. “Lindsay? Paris? Angelina? Kate? Heidi?”

“Fishburne!” Sara said with a new-found confidence in her brain. “Montana Fishburne. Yeah, she says it helped that Kardashian girl become famous.”         

“There are, like, 500 Kardashians, and I couldn’t tell one from the other, thankfully. But, what exactly did it help her become famous at? Screwing?

“If Ashleigh made a sex tape, I’d disown her,” Sara said, skirting the issue. “What about you?”

“I would be very surprised if there was a sex tape of Trent floating out there. I don’t even think the poor kid’s gotten laid yet.”

“No, I mean you. Have you made a sex tape?”

“Me? No way! I mean, I think I haven’t.”

“Kat, I would think you’d pretty much know if you did, don’t you?”

Yeah, one would think. But with the technology nowadays, when you’re goofing around with a boyfriend, you never really know what’s going on — or where it will end up — do you?

Like the time I was over Ryan’s house, the somewhat geeky dot-com entrepreneur I dated for a while. We’d slipped into his bed and I noticed there was an eerie light coming from his bedroom closet.

“What’s that” I asked, snuggling under the covers.

“Just some things I have plugged in.”

“Oh,” I said, trying to sound cool with it; he was a techie, after all. But I couldn’t help but wonder why the closet door was slightly ajar.

So I called him on it.

“Are you filming us having sex?”

“No, why?” he said, with just a bit of huffiness in his voice.

I didn’t want to make an issue of it, so I decided to get on with the evening’s, uh, agenda.

When that relationship ended, I started seeing Van. One day, after making a lovely meal together, we got naked and made our way to his hot tub when he began to hoist his movie camera onto a tripod.

“What are you doing?”

“I thought it would be fun to watch us on the TV.”

“You’re not going to film us!”

“No, just projecting us,” he said as he kissed me with his soft lips, which just made me melt, and I didn’t think too much about it.

Until now.

Do I expect to find my naked body gyrating on the Internet for anyone to see … and for free?

Hell no!

And now I feel kind of foolish for not paying a little bit more attention — and also for not fully trusting Ryan and Van.

Not that a have a problem with porn.

Anyone who’s read this blog knows I’m no prude!

I certainly wouldn’t have any objection to making a home porn tape with my lover either, as long as the emphasis was on home, as in staying at home.

And it got destroyed if we broke up.

But having it go viral?

No thank you, even if it meant I’d be “famous.” I can think of other ways I’d seek fame.

However, when I watched that sex tape of Colin Farrell and Nicole Narain, I just couldn’t help thinking, “What a lame blow job — even I can do better than that.” (Ah, if only Colin would give me a chance!)

Hmm, maybe I’m missing my true calling …

• Have you made home porn?
• Ever worry if you’ll find it on the Internet?

Photo © Maciej Mamro – Fotolia.com