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Apr 18

What to do if you’re in a sexless marriage


This should probably go in the What Would Kat Do category, but since that page doesn’t allow comments (as if!), I decided to post it here.

A fan (and I still have problems with that; shall we just call him a reader) recently wrote to me, and after a few back and forths, he agreed to let me tell his story. It isn’t a happy one.

“Jay” is a 46-year-old man, fit (by his definition), kind (ditto), smart (ditto) and, self aware (and given the exchanges we’ve had I’m going to give him the benefit of the doubt on that). Jay isn’t happy because his wife of 20-plus years — whom he loves and with whom he has kids with — is no longer interested in sex. The problem is, Jay is — very much so. In fact, he thinks about sex a lot, especially since it happens so infrequently. And he’s wondering at some point if women lose interest in sex entirely.

Good question, Jay. And the answer is … yes and no.

But, before I get ahead of myself. Let Jay put it in his own words:

Dear Kat:

I’ve been reading your blog for a while now a one thing I really appreciate is that you seem to be a woman who loves and enjoys sex.Boy , do I need to know that exists! It gives me hope that there are middle-aged women (and please don’t take that the wrong way) who still like sex.

The problem is, I’m a middle-aged man who enjoys sex, too — very much. But my wife doesn’t — although she did in our early years — and that has created a lot of stress in our marriage. I’m not ready to give up sex yet, but I can’t seem to get my wife to feel the same way. She’s just not interested in sex — in any variation— but I still am. And I’m attracted to her, even though she’s put on a few pounds; at 45, she looks good.

I asked her to go to couples counseling with me; she says we don’t need it (she suffers from depression, but doesn’t like the way meds make her feel). I asked her to talk to her doctor about it, but she says there’s nothing wrong with her. I’ve tried getting her to watch porn; intimate nights of just touch and cuddling; romancing with candlelight, soft music and her favorite food. I’ve done the “daddy porn” thing — cleaning the house, doing the laundry and taking the kids (11 and 14) out so she can have time alone. You name it, I’ve done it.

Not even a blowjob.

I’m not asking for crazy sex like the “rear door” (not that I’d mind); just the old missionary would be fine.

I don’t want to get a divorce, but short of having an affair , which I’m morally against, and pleasing myself (which I do, but it can only go so far), what can I do? It’s making me feel a little crazy. And very, very frustrated.

Signed: A normal sexual man.

Dear Jay:

Thanks for writing. Wow— that’s one of the saddest stories I’ve heard in a long time. But, you know, not all that uncommon. A lot of women lose interest in sex, but I just don’t understand that! What’s with you gals?

I can tell you that an affair isn’t going to make things better; oh, sure, it will be fun and exciting, but it won’t help your marriage.

But rather than me tell you what to do, Jay, I’ll let my readers — who are infinitely wiser than I am — offer their advice.

Readers, what say you?

Apr 19

What would Kat do?

Posted on Monday, April 19, 2010 in Advice, dating, Kat, Relationships, Singles, WWKD

Anyone who’s followed me for a while knows that I’m a fan of online dating. It’s not perfect, but few ways of meeting singles are —  it’s just another tool to be used, with smarts. And it’s not for everyone. Newly divorced or separated? Don’t even think about it — you’re just too vulnerable to be able to handle rejection, and yes, you will be rejected, a lot.

Bitter or cynical about it because you haven’t met anyone but weirdos, losers and gold-diggers? You might want to give it a rest for a while; you just can’t hide that attitude, and it’s a downer.

But, whether you like it or not, let’s face it — online dating sites are where many people go to meet people. You can fight it or join it.

As I’ve written about before, I’ve had a few great hookups, a number of interesting dates, a handful of casual dating relationships and two long-term relationships as well as a couple of friendships from online dating sites.   

That doesn’t make me a pro, but it has given me a certain perspective.

So, a reader has written in about a woman he’d like to approach online but he’s worried — how can he stand out? Which gives me the perfect opportunity to launch WWKD, aka What Would Kat Do?

So hop on over to WWKD, and take a peek …

Then, come back here and chime in.

  • How do you make yourself stand out online?
  • What should you never say?
  • What makes you respond to someone or not?

You’ll also find an e-mail I got a long time ago on blogger lust, of all things. Can a 12-step be far behind?

Other ramblings about online dating:

How to read an online profile