Is it really that bad to have sex on the first date?
When I saw that my friend Dan had changed his Facebook status to “in a relationship,” I just had to give him a call. But first, I clicked on the profile of the gal he was in a relationship with. Much to my surprise, she looked nothing like I would expect him to be with, based on his former girlfriends. She’s pretty, but in a sweet girl-next-door way.
What had happened to the Dan who always fell for babes who looked like they made their living swinging naked on a pole at the local strip club?
So I called him, and yesterday we meet over some beers.
“Should I be worried about you?” I asked.
“Why? Do I look sick?”
“No. Actually, you look happy.”
“I am happy. I’m in love.”
“But she’d not your type!” 
“Who? Kat, did you …”
So of course I fessed up on my snooping.
“Katy is absolutely my type! She’s sweet and smart and a total babe. You had me pegged all wrong.”
“I had you pegged by what you usually dated — they may have been smart and maybe even sweet but they were way beyond ‘total babes’ — they were, you know, skanky.”
“Well, just like women are drawn to bad boys, we guys are drawn to sluts. We can’t help it. But, no guy wants to to be boyfriend to that. We just want to …”
“Have sex with them.”
“Bingo.”
“So a girl who gives it up on the first date?”
“Uh, probably not the bring-home-to-the parents type. But you know that.”
“But, women don’t trash a guy because he wants to have sex on the first date. We expect a guy’s going to at least try!”
“Guys aren’t woman and women aren’t guys. Thankfully.”
“So, then why do women give it up so easily and dress so trashy?”
“Kat, I think you would know that better than I.”
And he was right, I guess.
Women like to dress provocatively; I know I do. It gets attention from guys, and I like to play up my femininity. But as I age I know there’s a line between looking sexy and looking trashy; older women who try too hard to look young cross that line in a tragic way. You can get away with some trashiness when you’re 20-something, but you actually don’t have to do too much to look sexy at that age; I wish more young women understood that!
But when it comes to sex, I know why some women give it up easily — they just want to have some fun, just like guys do. I’m not going to say it’s empowering — God, I’m really beginning to hate that word! It’s just that some women don’t have any hangups about casual sex. But a whole lot more women do, and they have sex freely and easily because they’re hoping it will lead to a something, probably a relationship. Sometimes it does but not necessarily with someone we want to be with for the long haul. Even if we don’t put out on the first date, Date 3 comes along and …
But, if guys don’t particularly want to have relationships with women who dress like they’re working the street corner and who give it up too soon (and I’m not 100 percent convinced I know when “too soon” is), then why do so many women go the skanky route? If guys like the chase then shouldn’t more women who are interested in having a relationship hold out from having sex with a guy for as long as they can — or at least until they recognize the guy’s not in it just to score?
Of course, if a guy dumps a woman after sleeping with her on the first date, he probably wasn’t too serious about wanting a relationship in the first place. It shouldn’t be a deal-breaker, or should it?
- Guys, what do you think of women who have sex on the first date?
- Do you always try to score on Date No. 1?
- Are skanky women lookers and not keepers?
- Gals, do you have sex on the first date? Why or why not?
- Do you dump a guy who tries? Do you have more respect for a guy who doesn’t try?
Photo © dimis – Fotolia.com
Ready for an erotic vacation?
“I have the perfect vacation for us!” Sara said as she burst into my front door before we took a (cold!) ride over Mount Tam.
“Oh really? The last ‘perfect’ vacation you had for us I was left alone for pretty much the whole weekend while you had crazy sex all over Austin with that hottie you met the night we arrived. Remember?” 
“Oh, Kat — he was so cute, and you know I was desperate for sex back then. It had been, like, months!”
“Whatever.”
“OK, OK. This won’t be like that, I promise.”
“So, what do you have in mind?”
“Hedonism II.”
“The erotic resort? You’re kidding me!”
“No, it will be awesome. People interested in sensual things. All sorts of sexy activities. Decadence and debauchery. Naked people — think!”
I was thinking. And my thought was, no way! I’m hardly a prude but it’s just that erotic destination getaways seem so, I don’t know — calculated. Showing up at a music club in Austin, spontaneously meeting someone cute and having fantastic sex for the weekend seems so much better. If you can swing it, that is.
But maybe you can’t. Maybe Sara was just lucky that time. Maybe it isn’t all that easy to meet someone for fun (unless you’re going to go on Craiglist’s “casual encounters” once you get to town). Maybe it’s better to vacation at a place that’s custom-made to find you a lover — or at least the potential for one — for a few days if that’s where your head is at. (Although I have to imagine that there have to be some less-than-satisfied customers at exotic hot spots; since you’re still you wherever you go, if you have a hard time attracting people in your everyday life, you may not have much luck at an adults-only resort, either!)
Back in the ’80s, Club Med was the “it” place if you were a swinging single. Since the late ’90s, it’s become into a family destination. Makes sense; if you were a swinging single back in the ’80s, you most likely have been towing a few kids by now. Of course, that’s exactly when you may need an erotic vacation!
I can’t say adults-only resorts are good or bad because I’ve never been. And, I’m never going to go; I can’t see Sean and me packing up for four-days-three-nights at some place where the pressure is on to be romantic. What if we just want to sleep?
A former boyfriend once booked us a room at a hotel with a round bed and mirrors on the ceiling — I burst out laughing when we walked in the room. (You’ll notice I said “former” boyfriend …)
But, if you’re single and looking to score — or at least have some sensual fun — is an adults-only resort a good idea?
- Would you ever go to an adults-only resort?
- Why or why not?
- Have you ever been to an adults-only resort?
- As a single or a couple?
- And … ????
Photo © Nathalie P – Fotolia.com
Can friends with benefits work?
Mia, Sara and I walked out of “Friends With Benefits” and headed straight to the nearest bar. A movie like that will do that to a gal.
Not that there was anything earth-shattering in the movie with Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis; it’s just that the concept — can you have casual sex with someone you know and like as a friend? — is one that most women like to dissect.
“I’ll have a cosmo,” Mia said to the bartender as we sidled up to the bar.
“Same,” Sara said.
“Grey Goose. Rocks. Twist,” I said. 
“You always have to be different,” Sara huffed.
“Not always.”
“Well, even your FWB — why did it work for you and not us?” Sara said, taking a long sip of her cosmo.
Honestly, I don’t know. But, first let me back up.
When we each got divorced, Sara, Mia and I were, like most newly divorced people — total messes. We’d each lost about 10 pounds — that wasn’t so bad, actually — from lack of sleep and food; we cried a lot; we couldn’t concentrate; we looked like crap. But we tried our best to keep it together for our kids and jobs.
Then at some point things started to normalize and something weird happened — we started feeling better about ourselves and less uncertain each day, and men started to notice us. And that was a good thing because by that time, we were months into the split and horny! But dating seemed daunting and besides, we really weren’t ready for that; who is right after a split?
And so we each found a way to have casual sex without picking up random guys in bars for one-nighters (although Sara did that, too); we looked at the men we already knew and had some sort of a relationship with. That’s how each of found ourselves in bed with a “friend.”
Why do I think mine worked well? I think because I know myself well enough to know that I can separate sex from emotions (although, I genuinely like him). Our life situations were very different so a relationship couldn’t work even if we wanted. And, it only lasted a few months. I guess that’s why my FWB parted without drama and, yes, we’re still friends (although we’re thousand of miles apart at this point).
Can a friends with benefits relationship work? A FWB arrangement is a delicate thing; I’m not sure most of us can do it well — if at all. Someone always seems to want more and someone always seems to get hurt. That’s not what FWBs are supposed to be about.
Of course, they’re not supposed to end like Timberlake and Kunis do, either (spoiler) — they actually do fall in love. Hmm, but it they really didn’t want a relationship, why is that considered a good thing?
- Can friends with benefits work?
- Have you had one (or more)?
Photo © Ramon Cami – Fotolia.com
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