Is it OK to date someone who’s separated?
I couldn’t wait to get together with Mia; she’d met a guy who sounded pretty darn as close to perfect as you can get and I wanted to know more. So we met at the arts fest, not even feeling the raindrops because our conversation was so animated.
“OK, what are the stats?”
“He’s 52, tall, fit, nice salt-and-pepper hair …”
“Uh-huh. And?”
“Loves to hike, super-smart and super-sweet. Coached his kids’ soccer teams …”
“Sounds good. And?”
“And he’s a real gentleman. He paid for our dates, even though I insisted I’ll pay. He didn’t come on real strong; I practically had to throw myself at him to get him to kiss me.”
“Ah, he likes a bit of the chase? Nice!”
“And I’m starting to get crazy about him.”
“Mia, it’s way too soon for that! But I know — it’s hard not to feel excited about someone who’s so great. How long has he been divorced?”
“Hmm, well …
”
“Well, what?”
“He’s just separated.”
“As in ‘just’ how long ago?”
“Two months.”
I think my mouth must have dropped far enough to smudge my cute new black cotton wedgies — that’s how shocked I was.
“Mia, what are you doing with a newly separated guy?”
“Enjoying our time together, why?” she sniffed.
“Because, because … because, it’s all wrong!”
“Says who?”
Says probably about every dating expert out there, although you don’t want to necessarily follow everything they say. But, who needs a dating expert to tell us that getting involved with someone fresh out of a marriage — and I wouldn’t call separated “out” of anything — is a bad idea?
Separated means a lot of things to different people. When Rob and I separated, it was to spend time alone to figure out whether we were going to salvage the marriage or not — that hardly made me dating material. For all Mia knows, this guy and his not-quite-ex could be still working on their relationship, giving each other “space,” dipping their toes into the dating scene to see if they can attract someone new or all of the above. Or maybe they’re actually somewhat happily married and he’s just scouting around for a mistress. Who knows?
As Singlemommyhood notes: “Separated always means in limbo. There is unfinished business — whether it’s emotional, legal, or financial.”
Which is what I told Mia (thanks Dr. Leah).
And Mia would hear nothing of it. Now you know why dating experts and shrinks stay in business — even if we know we’re in a situation that has way too many complications, we still delve right in, hoping this time it will be different.
Maybe it will be.
Probably not.
To me, even a newly divorced guy is a big dating no-no; no one’s ready to be available in a new relationship when he just got out of one. And, if he says he is, it’s because he’s lonely and/or he wants sex.
Getting involved with someone like that is taking a big gamble, one you’re likely going to lose.
- Would you date a separated man or woman?
- How about a newly divorced person?
Photo © Angelika Bentin – Fotolia.com
Unemployed and looking for love
I was at a Labor Day barbecue, so of course it made sense to talk about work. But a lot of the conversation was about not working.
Two more friends have lost their jobs — Dan and Michael. I feel really bad for both of them, but I feel a lot worse for Dan. Michael is married, and his wife, Natalie, works; he’s OK for now (although this puts their marriage at a greater risk of divorce). Dan is single and although he’s smart, talented and an all-around great guy who can probably survive for a while on his savings, who wants to date an unemployed man?
No one. At least, that’s what he told me. 
“Dan, you don’t actually tell people you’re unemployed, do you?”
“Yeah, because I am — along with I don’t know how many millions of other people.”
“But, that’s shocking for people to hear, especially women you want to date; you need
to spin it.”
“Like what? That I’m on a sabbatical or I’m an independent consultant? Oh, please!”
“Can’t hurt.”
“It’s not exactly honest, either. Not the best way to start a relationship.”
He has a point.
I’m all for honesty, and if you’re jobless and don’t share that with a new love right from the start, it will be a big ugly mess explaining it later when it eventually gets discovered — and you just know it will! As it must.
That’s a much bigger problem for guys than women, not surprisingly. Unemployed women are still datable and guys are not — if that isn’t proof about how far we haven’t come as a society, I don’t know what is.
I suppose Dan can give up dating for a while — all that extra time and energy (and cash!) can be spent looking for a new job, volunteering or learning new skills. But, if one part of your life is out of whack — like your health or your job or your love life — it really helps to have the other parts a little more stable. Knowing someone has your back and still finds you lovable makes losing a job somewhat less traumatic — for a while, anyway.
Of course, Dan can continue his dating routine, which is pretty much a lot of hookups and friends with benefits arrangements, like most people date nowadays anyway. As weird as it sounds, it actually seems to be the perfect way to have fun and connect with people given what’s going on; you don’t need to wine and dine anyone! Could it be that our casual sex dating rituals are a byproduct of the recession?
I don’t think our economy is getting back to normal any time soon — if you’re unemployed or underemployed and looking for love, what do you do?
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He’s jobless — do you date him?
Photo © Christopher Hall – Fotolia.com
Is it really that bad to have sex on the first date?
When I saw that my friend Dan had changed his Facebook status to “in a relationship,” I just had to give him a call. But first, I clicked on the profile of the gal he was in a relationship with. Much to my surprise, she looked nothing like I would expect him to be with, based on his former girlfriends. She’s pretty, but in a sweet girl-next-door way.
What had happened to the Dan who always fell for babes who looked like they made their living swinging naked on a pole at the local strip club?
So I called him, and yesterday we meet over some beers.
“Should I be worried about you?” I asked.
“Why? Do I look sick?”
“No. Actually, you look happy.”
“I am happy. I’m in love.”
“But she’d not your type!” 
“Who? Kat, did you …”
So of course I fessed up on my snooping.
“Katy is absolutely my type! She’s sweet and smart and a total babe. You had me pegged all wrong.”
“I had you pegged by what you usually dated — they may have been smart and maybe even sweet but they were way beyond ‘total babes’ — they were, you know, skanky.”
“Well, just like women are drawn to bad boys, we guys are drawn to sluts. We can’t help it. But, no guy wants to to be boyfriend to that. We just want to …”
“Have sex with them.”
“Bingo.”
“So a girl who gives it up on the first date?”
“Uh, probably not the bring-home-to-the parents type. But you know that.”
“But, women don’t trash a guy because he wants to have sex on the first date. We expect a guy’s going to at least try!”
“Guys aren’t woman and women aren’t guys. Thankfully.”
“So, then why do women give it up so easily and dress so trashy?”
“Kat, I think you would know that better than I.”
And he was right, I guess.
Women like to dress provocatively; I know I do. It gets attention from guys, and I like to play up my femininity. But as I age I know there’s a line between looking sexy and looking trashy; older women who try too hard to look young cross that line in a tragic way. You can get away with some trashiness when you’re 20-something, but you actually don’t have to do too much to look sexy at that age; I wish more young women understood that!
But when it comes to sex, I know why some women give it up easily — they just want to have some fun, just like guys do. I’m not going to say it’s empowering — God, I’m really beginning to hate that word! It’s just that some women don’t have any hangups about casual sex. But a whole lot more women do, and they have sex freely and easily because they’re hoping it will lead to a something, probably a relationship. Sometimes it does but not necessarily with someone we want to be with for the long haul. Even if we don’t put out on the first date, Date 3 comes along and …
But, if guys don’t particularly want to have relationships with women who dress like they’re working the street corner and who give it up too soon (and I’m not 100 percent convinced I know when “too soon” is), then why do so many women go the skanky route? If guys like the chase then shouldn’t more women who are interested in having a relationship hold out from having sex with a guy for as long as they can — or at least until they recognize the guy’s not in it just to score?
Of course, if a guy dumps a woman after sleeping with her on the first date, he probably wasn’t too serious about wanting a relationship in the first place. It shouldn’t be a deal-breaker, or should it?
- Guys, what do you think of women who have sex on the first date?
- Do you always try to score on Date No. 1?
- Are skanky women lookers and not keepers?
- Gals, do you have sex on the first date? Why or why not?
- Do you dump a guy who tries? Do you have more respect for a guy who doesn’t try?
Photo © dimis – Fotolia.com
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