I’m not sure why this somehow didn’t register with me before, but yesterday is when I realized for the first time that Thanksgiving is next week. Which meant I had to order a turkey — ASAP.

Holidays like Thanksgiving, where there are certain culinary expectations, means you have to detailed plans; what gets picked up when, what gets cooked first, etc. No one wants to deal with the crowds at the supermarket on the day before, so I ordered mine to be picked up on Tuesday — as if I am the only person who would think of that. Somehow, I have a feeling Tuesday will be as crowded — if not more — than Wednesday. Too late.

People are funny that way; we are predictably irrational, as MIT professor Dan Ariely says. 

Which is what I think about tattoo artist Kat Von D’s reaction to the discovery that her ex-fiancee, Jesse James, cheated on her with 19 women in the past year of their on-again, off-again engagement.

Because given his history, you’d want to ask her, what were you thinking? Everyone else was thinking once a cheater, always a cheater.

Although, how many of us date or marry people who cheated on their spouse to be with us? Well, lots of us. What does that say about us?

Few people in online comments have been kind to Kat — in fact, most are downright cruel (of course, so many people aren’t kind in online comments, period!). If they aren’t shaming her, they’re asking, How could you think you were different than anyone else?

Beside the tats, that is.

But, of course we all feel like we’re different than everyone else to a certain extent or in certain situations: We’re never going to be the one who gets cancer, even though we smoke. We’re not going to get a DUI, even though we drive home after a three-martini happy hour. We don’t keep emergency supplies ready even though we live in quake-ridden Bay Area and The Big One is due. And we’ll avoid the crowds at Thanksgiving by picking up our turkey on Tuesday, not Wednesday.

Are we stupid? In denial? Irrational? All of the above and more?

I do not totally convinced of the adage “Once a cheater, always a cheater.” Depending on what drove a person to cheat, I think some people can change; I did.

I am pretty sure we’re capable of cheating on someone we truly love.

I am positively certain that we rationalize a lot of our actions because we actually believe we are different than everyone else.

What about you?

Oh, and see you at the supermarket …

“Was marriage what you expected it would be?” Mia asked, not quite directed to anyone in particular as we sat at Sam’s, enjoying the post-rain sun.

“No way! I had no idea how mind-numbingly boring it could be,” Sara said. “Like ‘Groundhog Day.’”

“Mine wasn’t boring, well it had its boring moments. We just stopped being nice to each other I think,” Mia said. “What about you, Kat?”

“I didn’t have many expectations. I don’t think I knew what I wanted it to be; I just knew what I didn’t want it to be — my parents’ marriage.”

“I hear that!” Mia exclaimed. “But, did ours turn out any better?”

That was a good question. All our parents have been married for 60-some years. Mia, Sara and me? All divorced in under 20 years.  

Who’s happier? Our parents didn’t shake it up but we sure did at midlife. After divorce, we threw ourselves into our careers, our friends, our passions. Still, we all wanted love, too. And we’ve found our way, sorta kinda. Mia was happy with Rex, until that ended horribly and she’s been floundering since, including dating a man who’s newly separated. Sara has been floundering, too, striking out with Yoga Man, who was just too emo for her, but then she met Todd — a nice guy who wants a threesome (not that there’s anything wrong with that) and who has a pretty cool ex. I’ve been incredibly happy with Sean, a great guy whom I adore — and not just because he thinks my small breasts are perfect. But we don’t and probably won’t ever live together (which may actually be why we’ve lasted this long).

Our parents? As kids, then sharp-eyed teens and eventually cynical adults, we’ve seen a bit (or more) of their marital dysfunction — and who knows the secrets they’ve kept from us? But they toughed it out, for better or worse, probably without any of the expectations we had when we married. Of course, our moms didn’t have the same choices we women have today. Neither did our dads — a stay-at-home dad in the ’50s? I don’t think so!

I honestly don’t know who’s had it better or easier. Do we want too much from a marriage? Did our parents expect too little?

Experts are blaming our 50 percent divorce rate and the increasingly loud chorus of those who think marriage is obsolete on our unrealistic expectations of marriages.

I didn’t have those expectations, but I guess I had a picture in my head of what a happy marriage looked like. You know, a little Norman Rockwellish because I’m a sentimental romantic at heart. But my observations of my own marriage is pretty much like my observation of life — there’s a lot of mundane stuff interrupted by some really nice stuff. I embrace the nice stuff, accept the mundane stuff and try to make the mundane parts a little less boring and get more of the nice stuff. And, I can’t really count on someone else doing that for me.

I’m not sure if that’s a sustainable model for a marriage — you obviously have to pick the right person from the beginning and some of us really don’t. Plus, you really do have to want to be married — some of us are just not cut out to be in a long-term, monogamous relationships. And, that’s OK.

Maybe we need to go into a marriage with no expectations — then we’d be constantly surprised!

• What expectations did you have in your marriage?
• Were they “unrealistic”?

© Volker Gerstenberg – Fotolia.com

“I feel so bad for Demi,” Sara said as we made our way up Old Railroad Grade.

“Sara, you really need to stop obsessing about Demi and Kim and Leann. When did you become such a celeb follower?”

“It’s not that! I couldn’t care less about them. I care about the broader issues.”

“Like?”

“Like can we older gals live just as happily-ever-after with boy toys as old guys with hot babes do?”

“So, you don’t think we can just because Ashton likes to have sex with other babes?” 

“Other younger babes.”

“Of course — did you expect he’d cheat with someone older than Demi? She’s 48!”

“It’s not that.”

“You’re right. It’s that he’s a cheater, and that probably doesn’t have anything to do with Demi’s age.”

Or does it?

Guys go for youth. This is not rocket science. But older women get their share of interest from younger men because we bring quite a few things to the table — experience, comfort in our own skin, and a savvy sexual appetite.

Say what you will about cougars, but it makes sense that older women should hook up with younger men. Maybe not guys 15 years younger, like Demi and Ashton, but maybe a few years — 5 or so. Why? Because men die younger than women do, and that means there are so many more widows than widowers. It means women often spend a decade or more alone when they’re old and more likely to need companionship more than ever; that’s sad!

Marrying someone younger would lessen the chance of that.

Plus, 15 years is an awfully big gap; your interests and experiences are bound to be pretty different. Of course, that doesn’t necessarily mean a marriage wouldn’t work — lots of people the same age with similar interests and experiences get divorced! But being just 5 years or so apart in age puts you in the same generation, anyway. And, you’d also have similar aging issues.

Maybe that’s the biggest turn off of all. The body starts to wrinkle, sag and shift, the mind starts to wander and then what? I know that stuff shouldn’t matter —after all, we don’t know what illnessnes and accidents await us at any age. But maybe starting off with a “disadvantage,” it will — eventually.

So, maybe cougars and boy toys should plan on five blissfully happy years together, and then move on. There are always more young men out there, ladies …

Does a big gap in a relationship matter in the long run?

“This is disgusting!” Sara said as she shoved a People magazine in front of me.

“So then why do you keep reading that stupid magazine?”

“Not the magazine; I love People! I mean, the wedding.”

“You mean Kim Kardashian’s?”

“Well, duh!”

“Look, it may be bordering on obscene how much they spent on it …”

“Over the top!”

” … and it’s doubtful they’ll last a year …”  

“Oh, they’ll last longer than that. She has to have the baby bump first. Then they’ll divorce.”

” … but with everyone predicting marriage is dead, at least they don’t think so. They could have just lived together.”

“That’s not a marriage — it’s a photo op!”

I have no idea if Kim and new hubby Kris Humphries really love each other or not — and honestly, I don’t really care (although I would hope so if they’re going to have kids one day). They were smart to sign a prenup (and she makes a lot more than he does), although I’d imagine any breakup that involved a Kardashian would involve a lot of drama, prenup or not. And maybe Sara’s right; maybe it’s all for show (and media endorsements), like a reality TV show somehow got confused with reality. But everyone keeps talking about how marriage is dead and that no one needs it anymore, yet couples keep getting married — more than 2 million a year. The same it’s been for years.

We don’t have to marry anymore. People may still give look down upon divorce but it’s so common that it’s almost expected; so is cohabitation. But, just look at how gaga we get over something Prince William and Kate Middleton’s wedding, and Kim and Kris’.It’s like we still want to believe in the happily-ever-after part even though we know it rarely ends up that way.

So if half of those marriages end up in divorce (and many men complain about they hate paying spousal support), and who-knows-how-many are married but cheating, and choice moms are having babies with sperm donors (who needs a husband if you can just have a kid?), and more people are living together  … you have to wonder why people still get married.

Can it be that we just love the idea of marriage more than the actual reality of it?

I wish Kim and Kris and anyone else who’s tying the knot the best. Hopefully, they’ve given a lot of thought into picking the right partner, especially if they hope to have kids one day. I’m quite done with marriage myself — one wedding was enough! — but I sure do like re-creating honeymoon nights …

• Is marriage irrelevant?
• Why did you get married?
• If you married again, would it be for the same reason or something else?

  Photo © Angelika Bentin – Fotolia.com

Sara, her new beau, and Sean and I had gone out to Rancho Nicasio to hear some music, eat and dance.

At one point I caught Sara watching Sean and me in a slow dance out of the corner of my eye.

“You guys are so cute together,” she whispered to me later at the table, when Sean went to the restroom. “When are you going to move in together?”

Good question, because I’m not sure we’re ever going to move in together. But certainly not now.

“I don’t know, Sara; not before The Kid’s out of the house. Plus, his kid’s at home, too, remember.”

“Oh, kids, schmids —That’s so old-fashioned. They know you two are sleeping together, right? So, what’s the difference?”

It seems like a pretty big difference to me. Living together when you’ve got kids is sending the wrong message — that marriage doesn’t matter.    

I know, I know — I’m divorced. If marriage really mattered to me …

No one goes into marriage expecting to divorce. But, marriage does matter, if you’re planning to have kids.

Marriage is under attack lately, perhaps rightly so given the insane expectations people place on it. Fewer people than ever before think it’s necessary. Let’s face it, marriage certainly isn’t for everyone. And people often get married for all the wrong reasons, and sometimes couples marry because they’ve been living together for a while and it seems like the next logical thing to do.

Often, it isn’t.

Couples who live together before marrying tend to argue more and communicate less. If they eventually marry, they divorce more often than those who don’t. Plus, they get fat, and that alone is reason to make me say, no way!

But it you’re going to have kids, it makes no sense to live together without getting married first. Shacking up is marriage lite, with all the daily annoyances and relatively predictable roles of marriage without the commitment. And if you think it’s any easier to split if things aren’t going great, well, just look at Halle Berry and Gabriel Aubry.

Scary.

And once you have kids — who’ve gone through the trauma of a divorce — it’s all the more reason to tread very carefully on mixing families. Yes, it sure would be nice to go to sleep and wake up next to Sean more often, and to feel more like a family (although we sure do like our “space”). But I’m aware of the message we’d be sending our kids, and it isn’t the message I want to send.

There are like 5 million or so couples shacking up nowadays, and a lot of them are probably like Sean and me — single moms and dads. So I’m pretty sure we’re the minority. But, I’m OK with that. Plus, there’s none of the real or pseudo “step” or “half” things going on — stepmom, stepdad, half-brother, etc. Or worse — “mom’s live-in lover.”

I’ll bet that’s why we’re still so cute together after all these years.

• Is it OK to live together if you and/or your boy/girlfriend have kids?
• Do you think it’s any easier to split if you’re living together with kids than if you were married?
• Did you live with a parent’s boy/girlfriend? How’d that work out?

Photo © Gorilla – Fotolia.com

Sara was leading us purposefully through the mall toward Anthropologie, hopeful she hadn’t waited too long to return a Christmas gift that she finally decided was all wrong for her.

On the way, we literally had to bushwhack the mall’s pink and red landscape.

“Oh yeah” Sara said, noticing the hearts, cupids and roses, “what are you getting
Sean for
Valentine’s?”   

“Nothing,” I shrugged. “Maybe a card.”

“Kat, you’re so unromantic!”

“I’m totally romantic! Valentine’s has
nothing with do with romance.”

“I know, but you really have to do something!”

Do you? Because giving a gift because you have to give a gift is, what – a good thing?

I’m not a fan of Valentine’s Day, a silly Hallmark holiday that almost always makes people feel bad. It’s a no-win holiday. Expectations — OK, make that women’s expectations — are so high that no matter what’s given or done, it often seems “wrong,” even if a guy relies on the old standbys — chocolates, lingerie, roses, a store-bought card and reservations at a restaurant with a menu designed for “romance.”

Poor guys.

It’s no better for the unattached who have yet another holiday to “cope” with, according to the mags and dating “experts.” Maybe singles wouldn’t feel so “bad” about being alone on Valentine’s if people stopped acting as if they should feel bad about it!

But, OK — let’s say you think like Sara does and you want to get your sweetie something. But … what? Honestly, I don’t envy guys because a “wrong” Valentine’s Day gift can evidently screw up a pretty good relationship. That’s why so many guys resort to jewelry, flowers and fancy dinners; they’re safe. Still, what do you give a guy on Valentine’s Day? Guys are kind of hard to buy things for in general; otherwise there’s no way to explain why so many of them end up with so many socks and ties. Socks are a gift, people?!?

Yet it has to be better than getting a stuffed teddy bear holding a red heart embroidered with “I love you.” Is there a man alive who wants that? Is there a woman? (um, OK, well, there probably are a few …)

Gadgets, tools, sports apparel, car gear, gag gifts, Scotch — these are the kind of things we tend to give the guys in our life. And, maybe that’s what many guys like.

Ultimately, that’s really what it’s all about — giving the guy you care about something that you know he’ll like, because you’re paying attention to what he likes. Which means this Valentine’s I’ll probably make Sean a very nice dinner and show up naked at the door with a martini in my hand.

Hey, I’ve been paying attention!

• Do you stress over Valentine’s Day gifts?
• What’s the best Valentine’s Day gift you’ve ever given?
• What’s the best Valentine’s Day gift you’ve ever gotten?
• Guys, what things do you really want?
  

photo © dimis – Fotolia.com

“So, are you and Sean getting together tonight?” Mia asked me as she, Sara and I trudged up the Matt Davis trail.

“Nah, The Kid’s with me tonight.”

“So?” Sara asked.

“So, he doesn’t sleep over when Trent’s with me. You know that.”

Sara stopped abruptly. “Still? Are you kidding me?”

“No, why?”

“Haven’t you guys been together for, like, years?” Mia asked.

“Yeah, about three or four, I guess.”

“So why can’t he sleep over?”

“Well, he could but he doesn’t
feel comfortable with it, and
I want to respect that.”       

“Kat, that’s crazy!” Sara insisted. “You guys are in a committed, monogamous relationship. You know Trent knows you guys are having sex! Why not be out in the open about it?”

I have no problem being open about a lot about sex with The Kid — just not about my personal sex life.

And, really, what kid even wants to think about his
or her parents having sex?
It’s just one big eww!! Most kids think they’re parents stopped having sex when the last kid was born, and they didn’t enjoy it anyway. So if I were still married, my sex life most likely even be an issue.

But when you’re a divorced parent and dating, it’s hard to hide what’s going on, beyond just the noisy sex thing. Having a man who’s not quite our dad, but more than a family friend shuffling over to the breakfast table in his jammies, bed-hair and morning woody — or that look on a guy’s face that only comes from having taken care of that — feels a little too in your face. And there’s always the chance that a kid’s going to accidentally see a boyfriend or girlfriend naked.

Of course, Trent knows what’s going on. But, I don’t feel like I have to fill in the details for him

• Is it OK for a boyfriend/girlfriend to sleep over when you have kids?
• Does it matter how long you’ve been together or how old the kids are?
• If one of your parents did that while you were young, how did you feel about it?

Photo © Angelika Bentin – Fotolia.com

“It’s disgusting,” Sara said as she walked in my door to join Sean, The Kid and me for a bowl of New Year’s Day hopping John.

“What’s disgusting?”

“Hef’s engaged to a 24-year-old. I mean,
c’mon people — what kind of marriage is that?”
she huffed.  

“An honest one,” I countered.

“You must be kidding!”

But, I’m not. Hey, I’m not saying that a 60-year
age difference is a good thing; if I believed that, well, I’d be checking out guys who are waaaay
past 100. But unless I’m missing something about the Hugh Hefner-Crystal Harris wedding to be, it seems like they both know what they’re doing.
Sure, there really can’t be to much in common between an 84-year-old and a 24-year-old. Even if they both love sex, which I’m sure they do. Because, you know, well, because Hef’s 84 — how good can he be, Viagra or not?

Still, I don’t want to get too cynical about their engagement because at least they both know what they’re getting married for and it probably isn’t just “love.” And that’s a lot more than the rest of us can say.

If unrealistic expectations trip up a lot of newlyweds, marrying with very real, clearly defined expectations  isn’t all that bad. And, honestly, I think the lovebirds have it all figured out: Crystal is counting on Hef to give her a certain lifestyle, even if it’s for just a few years, and Hef is counting on her to be the babe on his arm and in
his bed. I can pretty much bet she won’t pack on the pounds once they get hitched.

People get married for all sorts of reasons, and many of them aren’t the “right” reason, whatever “right” means anyway. Who are we to say which is better or worse given that about half end up in divorce, anyway?

• So, did you marry for the “right” reason (and please define “right”)?
• And, is a (pending) marriage like Crystal’s and Hef’s more honest than a marriage based on anything else, including “love”?

photo © Francois du Plessis – Fotolia.com

“Huh?” I said, coming closer to the bathroom so I decipher the muffled words.

“Honey, you already know why.”

“No, not dad’s affair. I mean, what went wrong?”

Wow, good question, one he hadn’t asked before. Because it wasn’t really the affair that made my marriage implode; affairs are just symptoms of other
crap going on.

And I wasn’t sure that I could answer that fully for him. Well, I know what I did wrong and what Rob did wrong; I’m not really sure what Rob thinks.

I can tell The Kid what you should do to make a good marriage — be a present, loving partner; communicate well; have a lot of sex (not sure he’d want to hear that from me) …

I certainly wouldn’t advise him to settle.

Because marriage is, well, complicated.

And as much as studies say hubbies benefit from marriage more that the lil’ missus, a lot of men feel like this, courtesy of MGTOW, Men Going Their Own Way:

Marriage is like serving time in prison with a big fat cellmate who DOESN’T want to have sex with you.

Don’t want The Kid to feel like that!

Another gem:

Sara and I were soaking in the views from the West Point Inn on Sunday, when we heard a woman’s laugh, a loud woman’s laugh. Suddenly, Sara froze.

“What’s up?” I asked.

“I know that voice.”

“Who is it?”                        

“It’s Heidi, Jeff’s ex-wife,” she said turning toward the laugher to confirm what she already knew.

“Oh, I remember Jeff. You really liked him.”

“I more than liked him; I was in love with him. ”

“I can’t remember; why did you break up? He was so nice and cute.”

“He was nice and cute, and fantastic in bed, too. But, I couldn’t imagine having any sort of happy life with him if it included her. It’s her fault we’re not together.”

“Really?”

“Really. She made my life hell.”

I understand what Sara’s saying; some ex-wives can make life pretty insane for the new girlfriend (although I imagine some new girlfriends can wreak as much havoc). But, can you really blame a psycho ex for destroying a love affair? Sure, maybe she’s manipulative, passive-aggressive, irrational, controlling, bitter, confrontational — feel free to add your own adjectives if you have experience. If they have kids together, you’ll forever be an odd chess game — him and you and her, with the kids as pawns. It’s a situation custom-made for a Lifetime TV drama. But could Sara have made it work if she were a “better” woman? Could Sara have sucked it up a little more?

If the man you love comes with a horrible ex-wife, isn’t he worth that extra pain?

Honestly, I have no idea, mostly because I’ve never dated a man whose former wife made my live hell. I’ve dated men whose former wives were pieces of work, that’s for sure, who made his life stressful, which of course impacted us.

Maybe I haven’t been drawn into that kind of relationship drama because I didn’t move in with any of those guys or — God forbid! — marry them; we’ve all heard of nightmare stepmom experiences. Becoming the new Missus is a lot more threatening than being “just” a girlfriend.

And the poor guys, they have to manage it all — put the new relationship first (along with his kids, obviously) while trying to keep it civil with his ex, no matter how “psycho” she may be.

It works both ways, of course. One girlfriend has had to have a restraining order against her ex — he’s stalked her and even broken into her home. She’s a total hottie and sweet as can be, but barely dates — and I can understand why. If I were a guy would I want to walk into that mess? Hmmm …

Am I happy I’ve never had to have my love tested that way? You bet! Still, I’m not sure I would say a crazy ex-wife is a deal-breaker.

What about you?

Photo © Tadija Savic – Fotolia.com