Timing is everything
Once upon a time, there was a Nice Guy. He was attractive and fit, a loving dad and husband. His wife had other ideas, however, and one day she asked for a divorce. He wasn’t bitter, but he was very, very sad. With each day, the pain got a little less painful, and a little more joy found its way into his heart.
Because he was a nice, fit, attractive middle-aged man, a lot of women came on to him. It was weird for him; no one had paid him that much attention in years. It felt good.
One day, not too long after his divorce, he met someone really nice, too. Not only was she nice, but she was divorced, smart, pretty and a loving and devoted mom, so she “got” it. Plus the sex was great and they shared a lot of the same interests. They started spending more and more time together, and they went from dating to an exclusive relationship.
And then, the Nice Guy realized, whoa — I just got out of a long-time marriage. I haven’t had any time to just be, to experience life as a middle-aged single dad, to figure out what I want now that I’m not looking to have
babies with a woman.
Who am I now?
So the Nice Guy told that to his girlfriend, that although
he loves being with her, he’s not really sure he’s ready to settle down until he’s figured out a few things. It all happened so fast, so soon. His nice girlfriend tried to understand, but also felt somewhat pimped; why
didn’t he say anything
before? They split, both feeling as if they’d been
blindsided.
Months later, after experiencing life solo and meeting many more women and dating a lot, the Nice
Guy realized that although
he met a lot of interesting,
attractive and smart women, none had all the qualities that his nice former girlfriend had. He started to wonder if she was The One. Now, he panicked — did he make a mistake? Should he have said, “Well, I’m not really ready for this, but I’m going for it anyway!”
In another part town lived a Nice Gal, an attractive, fit woman, a loving mother and wife. Her husband had other ideas, however, and one day they divorced. She wasn’t bitter, but she was very sad. With each day, the pain got a little less painful, and a little more joy found its way into her heart.
Because she was a nice, fit, attractive middle-aged woman, she hoped she’d meet someone someday. Defying the odds for women her age, she meet a nice, smart, attractive divorced dad — quicker than she ever could have imagined. Although in many ways he was different than the kind of man she thought she’d be with, he charmed her and she liked being with him. Even though she thought that it was way too soon to get involved with someone, they started spending more time together and before she knew it, they were in an exclusive relationship.
But then she’d panic. “I can’t do this! It’s too soon!” she’d tell him, and they’d break up. But then she’d feel lonely and — realizing how much she missed him and how much about him she treasured — they’d get back together. And he was always there, waiting for her to come back; he wanted to be with her.
They’re still together, but every once and a while she wonders, is there a better match for me? How do you know if someone’s The One?
They say timing is everything — whoever “they” are. I don’t know if it’s everything, but it certainly plays a part in a lot of things — from how we develop as embryos to our careers to our love life. Not all of us have the big timing decisions — do we go for the multimillion dollar NBA contract or finish college? — but we all have smaller versions of that. And few distress us as much as the ones that involve love.
What if we meet The One when we’re not ready for him or her?
I can’t deny that timing has a lot to do with the complicated feelings of Nice Guy and Nice Gal.
I want desperately to believe that if two people are meant to be together that they will find each other when the timing is right. But, I’m smart enough to realize, hey, life offers no guarantees.
Not to say that everyone who stays in a relationship when he/she isn’t ready for it will forever be cross-examining it and wondering, “Is there something better out there?”
But I do believe this: unless we have the alone time to figure out who we are as middle-aged divorced moms and dads, it’s hard to give The One the attention and commitment he or she deserves and that we truly want to give.
If we can even figure out if he or she is The One, that is.
- How has timing played a part in your love life?
Photo © petar Ishmeriev – Fotolia.com
Mel, Oksana and relationship red flags
Sara and I were in line at Peet’s when two women walked in and got behind us, midstream in flinging the celeb dirt.
“What an ass! Can you believe his vitriol?”
“I’d never let a man treat me that way. And to a new mom!”
It was clear they who they were talking about.
“That Mel is crazy,” Sara whispered to me.
“Yeah, I guess so …” I mumbled.
“What?” Sara asked with a puzzled look.
“Well, this is pretty embarrassing given what’s happened since, but he used to be my fantasy guy.”
“Mel Gibson?!?”
Suddenly, everyone in the coffee shop stopped and stared, like they’d all been shot by Mr. Freeze.
“Shhhh, for God’s sake!”
“Kat, how could you?” 
“It was back when he was gorgeous, with those amazing blue eyes and wild hair on a horse. And, you know, he was normal and funny, not
a raving mad man.”
“Yeah, he was pretty hot in ‘Braveheart.’ What the hell happened to him?”
“I’d guess Oksana Grigorieva is asking the
same thing.”
And isn’t that the scariest part of the whole
sordid saga — that we can fall in love and have a baby with someone who then turns into a total freak show on us?
Weren’t there any red flags?
Can people hide their true selves that well that no one knows the real person until it’s too late — you’re married, you’re having babies together and you then you end up black and blue and in an abused woman’s shelter or hawking your sex tapes?
Sure, sometimes, shit happens — a social drinker becomes a total boozer or an occasional pot smoker turns into a meth addict. But I’d bet the red flag — addictive personality! — waved at least sometime during the courting phase.
Was anyone paying attention?
Was I?
Without being revisionist, I look back at when I first met Rob and it’s clear to me now that I missed — ignored, actually — more than a few glimpses into The Troubles that were to be our destiny.
Why?
For one thing, I was as good a spin artist as any six-figure Beltway flack. Drinking? Ha, we were party people! His record of cheating on ex-lovers? He’d just fallen for the wrong women; no way he’d do that with me!
Now, I don’t know for sure that if I had paid more attention to the flags, I would have dumped him; I might have ended up as Mrs. Rob anyway. That would be more of an issue with me than him. And that, of course, is the real problem.
Rob was waving his little red flags, even if he wasn’t aware of that. He was letting me know, Warning! This is who I am. Can you live with this?
I, evidently, said, “Bring it on, baby!”
So, back to Mel and Oksana. I’ll admit, Mel has proven himself to be, well — and I’m being generous here, given all the times he, uh, pleasured me so well — not a very nice man. I no longer want to strip him naked, throw him on the bed, hold him down and do my thing with him. I have moved on to others who still seem nice (or, better yet, naughty, but in the good ways) — Brad, Johnny, George, Robert … And my fave fantasy, Sean, whom I get to enjoy in the flesh, too.
But, could he have possibly have not waved any red flag at all?
- Can someone do a total behavioral 180 on us?
- Or, are we being ever so slightly oblivious to the warning signs?
- Even if whatever lunatic rants of the equivalent in our lives never get taped and distributed, who among us has never seen them coming?
- And, what sort of flags do you wave, hmm?
Commitment and freedom; can you have both?
“I’m in the mood for something uber-romantic,” Sara said as she, Mia and I looked over the selections at the video store.
“Rhett Butler romantic or Nick Hornby-John Cusack romantic?” I asked.
“Epic romantic,” Sara said. “Costumes, lust, dramatic music …”
“How about ‘Out of Africa’?” Mia
piped in. 
“Oh, I haven’t seen that in years,”
I enthused. “It started that whole Banana Republic look,
remember?
“Yeah,” Sara said, “and it also started the biggest fight the ex
and I ever had!”
“About?” Mia asked.
“Men and women, freedom and
commitment.”
“Perfect!” I said, as I headed toward the counter.
So we settled in for an evening destined to give us something to bite into, and not just because we made a batch of super-buttery popcorn.
As the romance between a big game hunter, Denys (Robert Redford), and a baroness, Karen (Meryl Strep), develops — intellectual equals and renegades in their own way, he loves her stories and determination, she loves his free spirit and sense of adventure — it’s obvious they’re doomed.
He stays with her on her African coffee farm for a while, they share passionate nights and exciting days together … and then he leaves. For a long time.
And she’s home, alone (well, with a helluva lot of help whom she educates and domesticates and helps in her own ways), keeping everything going.
As much as Denys is happy to give some of his stuff a home — hers — he’s not about to move himself into her home and all the related problems of ownership. He’s committed to her, but treasures his freedom. He loves Africa for its wildness; he does not want to domesticate it like Karen does.
And she’s committed to him — and always waiting for him to return. And stay.
Independence, commitment — can this relationship be saved?
And just like Sara and her ex fought years ago, Mia, Sara and I struggled with deciding who was being selfish — a man who wants commitment and his freedom, or a woman who wants commitment and an equal partner.
And whether you can have both.
Can you?
I enjoyed being married, and probably would have stayed married forever if shit didn’t happen. But then when I got divorced, I suddenly found myself with something I hadn’t had in years — freedom. I had no one to be accountable to. I had “me” time.
Holy crap! If I knew being single, even with a kid, would look like this …
I loved it!
And a lot of other singles and divorcees feel the same way — we treasure our freedom.
But — and it’s a pretty big but — I don’t want to be alone. I want love in my life, and not just the kind from my family and friends. I want the kind of love that, like Denys’ and Karen’s, offers passion, adventure, intellect and, yes, commitment and freedom. That lasts.
I’m just not sure what that’s going to look like. I have no idea if that can exist under one roof.
Mia and Sara both thought Karen was being used. “You can’t have a woman, a warm bed and a meal whenever it’s convenient for you to drop in,” they sniffed.
But Karen set down roots, made a home — those were her choices, even though, in the beginning, when she was married, she didn’t think she’d be doing it all alone.
To me, Denys was no more or less selfish than Karen in wanting what he wanted; it’s just that ultimately they didn’t really want the same thing.
My gut says there are many men who want Denys’ kind of life, and many women who want Karen’s.
What do you think?
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