Is it OK to date someone who’s separated?
I couldn’t wait to get together with Mia; she’d met a guy who sounded pretty darn as close to perfect as you can get and I wanted to know more. So we met at the arts fest, not even feeling the raindrops because our conversation was so animated.
“OK, what are the stats?”
“He’s 52, tall, fit, nice salt-and-pepper hair …”
“Uh-huh. And?”
“Loves to hike, super-smart and super-sweet. Coached his kids’ soccer teams …”
“Sounds good. And?”
“And he’s a real gentleman. He paid for our dates, even though I insisted I’ll pay. He didn’t come on real strong; I practically had to throw myself at him to get him to kiss me.”
“Ah, he likes a bit of the chase? Nice!”
“And I’m starting to get crazy about him.”
“Mia, it’s way too soon for that! But I know — it’s hard not to feel excited about someone who’s so great. How long has he been divorced?”
“Hmm, well …
”
“Well, what?”
“He’s just separated.”
“As in ‘just’ how long ago?”
“Two months.”
I think my mouth must have dropped far enough to smudge my cute new black cotton wedgies — that’s how shocked I was.
“Mia, what are you doing with a newly separated guy?”
“Enjoying our time together, why?” she sniffed.
“Because, because … because, it’s all wrong!”
“Says who?”
Says probably about every dating expert out there, although you don’t want to necessarily follow everything they say. But, who needs a dating expert to tell us that getting involved with someone fresh out of a marriage — and I wouldn’t call separated “out” of anything — is a bad idea?
Separated means a lot of things to different people. When Rob and I separated, it was to spend time alone to figure out whether we were going to salvage the marriage or not — that hardly made me dating material. For all Mia knows, this guy and his not-quite-ex could be still working on their relationship, giving each other “space,” dipping their toes into the dating scene to see if they can attract someone new or all of the above. Or maybe they’re actually somewhat happily married and he’s just scouting around for a mistress. Who knows?
As Singlemommyhood notes: “Separated always means in limbo. There is unfinished business — whether it’s emotional, legal, or financial.”
Which is what I told Mia (thanks Dr. Leah).
And Mia would hear nothing of it. Now you know why dating experts and shrinks stay in business — even if we know we’re in a situation that has way too many complications, we still delve right in, hoping this time it will be different.
Maybe it will be.
Probably not.
To me, even a newly divorced guy is a big dating no-no; no one’s ready to be available in a new relationship when he just got out of one. And, if he says he is, it’s because he’s lonely and/or he wants sex.
Getting involved with someone like that is taking a big gamble, one you’re likely going to lose.
- Would you date a separated man or woman?
- How about a newly divorced person?
Photo © Angelika Bentin – Fotolia.com
When marriage meets Alzheimer’s
So last week, I was feeling kind of cynical about marriage, well, at least Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries’. OK, maybe marriage in general. But, maybe we’re going about marriage all wrong; maybe we can tweak marriage so that we’re happier in them so there won’t be as much divorce. Seems easy enough.
Like a lot of people, I was floored when uber-Christian Pat Robertson (he of the Christian Broadcasting network) announced that it’s OK to divorce a spouse with Alzheimer’s because the disease is “a kind of death.” 
Robertson advised a man whose wife has Alzheimer’s:
“I know it sounds cruel, but if he’s going to do something, he should divorce her and start all over again, but make sure she has custodial care and somebody looking after her.”
Really? Well so much for agreeing to stay together “for better or worse.” “in sickness and in health” and “till death do us part.” Why even vow to do that if we can ignore it when it’s convenient? But, of course, we do ignore our vows in ways just as surprising as what Robertson is proposing:
We cheat because our spouse has a life-threatening illness and we can’t deal.
We cheat because we’re in a sexless marriage.
And, we cheat because we don’t even agree on what cheating is!
But, maybe we’re not allowing for what Robertson addresses; when the marital rules are changed by forces beyond what we can control. Yes, the “for better or worse” part; better or worse for whom? And does that have to be cheating?
Remember a few years ago when retired Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O’Connor announced that her now-deceased husband, John, who was living with Alzheimer’s, had found a new love at the nursing home where he lived? She was happy about it because he was happy; the essence of a good marriage. As we baby boomers age, a lot more of us will be facing something like that.
She was accepting of her husband’s choice — he had Alzeimer’s and therefore “didn’t know better,” and many thought how sweet and kind that was of her. So, should we be so hard on someone who does “know better” even if his partner doesn’t know?
Isn’t loving someone “for better or worse” supporting each other’s happiness? What if your spouse didn’t have the mental capacity to decide what was “for better or worse”?
We promise to care for each other “for better or worse” and “in sickness and in health” and “till death do us part,” but not many of us mean it. That doesn’t mean the vows are flawed — we are.
Maybe we need to change those vows to something that we’ll actually follow — that we’ll love and care for each other as long our partner is an equal participant in the marriage.
Does having a spouse with Alzheimer’s or dementia — versus something like cancer or multiple sclerosis any other illness in which the mind is still willing but the body is not — change the marital vows?
- Is Robertson wrong or right?
- What about O’Connor?
Is badmouthing your partner ever OK?
Sara had been filling me in on who’s who as we made the rounds at her co-worker’s barbecue when at some point I realized I’d lost her. Not physically, but her attention. And as far as I could tell, it wasn’t because a good-looking guy was close by; that I could understand.
“Earth to Sara.”
“Shh!”
“What?”
“I’m listening.”
“To what? Voices in your head again?”
“Very funny. No, that couple. Well, actually the wife. Hear her?”
“Barely. Is she saying something I should pay attention to?”
“It’s just horrible. Every word out of her mouth is a diss on her husband. And he’s standing right next to her. I hate that.” 
“Oh, come on, Sara; maybe that’s just the way they’re playful with each other. Some couples are like that. You shouldn’t assume it’s a diss.”
“Yeah, well, if you listen carefully, you’ll know that’s not playful. Just look at his body language.”
I did — it didn’t look great.
Suddenly, I started to feel uncomfortable, too. Like Sara, I hate when couples put each other down in front of other people. Sometimes it seems like playful teasing, but when you listen closely there’s often an edge to it. And as bad as I feel for the spouse being dissed, I also feel bad about myself — being in the presence of that kind of talk makes me feel awkward because I’m at a loss of how to respond, and no matter what I do, it seems wrong. Laugh along? Ignore it? Change the topic? Talk about my own former hubby put-down stories? Call her on it? Try to “fix” it? Model good relationship behavior by talking positively about my sweetie? Each has its pros and cons. But which is right?
If it’s a long-time friend, it seems that it would be easier to call her on it — separately, gently — but you risk losing the friendship. If it’s someone you barely know, like the woman Sara was overhearing at the party, it seems best to ignore her; if you called her on it, it might create a scene! But ignoring it is like giving it a stamp of approval when it really isn’t OK to talk like that.
Whenever I hear a spouse putting the other down, I feel the pain that each is feeling, not only the person who’s being dissed but also the disser — those who bully are often those in the most pain.
I don’t think couples should put each other down in public. I don’t know how often men do that, but I know women are guilty of it. get a bunch of gals together for a gals’ night and if one starts putting down her hubby, it can spread like a wildfire and quickly turn into a bitchfest.
When a couple teases each other — lovingly — about each other’s “shortcomings,” that’s different, although both have to be OK about it. That’s not always the case, and then it can turn into a pathology between them.
Of course, I’ll never experience that — what could Sean possibly say bad about me?!?!
- Have you ever badmouthed your partner?
- Has your partnet ever badmouthed you?
- What do you do when you hear someone badmouthing his/her partner?
Photo © Angelika Bentin – Fotolia.com
![[Valid RSS]](valid-rss.png "Validate my RSS feed")
