We found ourselves at the mall, Sara, Mia and me, on Black Friday after all, despite my protestations. Actually, just one store in the mall, the Apple Store, because Mia needed a new power cord for her laptop.

The place was packed (Why? I have no idea; it’s not like Apple offers any Black Friday deals at 4 a.m.), but better yet, it was packed with men. 

“Wow,” Mia exclaimed, ogling the eye candy who were checking out the iPads and iPhones. “Where did all these guys come from?”

“Not around here, that’s for sure,” Sara said, “otherwise I’m sure I would have seen most of them naked at some point.”

Mia and I rolled our eyes.

“This place is better than any speed dating event I went to,” she continued.

“Or bar,” Mia said.

“Or online dating site,” I chimed in.

Could Apple stores be the “new bar” when it comes to meeting people?

I don’t know; it would be a bit creepy to walk up to someone and ask about their ram needs. Personally, I have many, but thankfully Sean is quite generous when it comes to that. Plus, at a bar someone from the other end can buy you a drink (or vice versa); you’re not likely to get a new iPhone from someone a table or two away in an Apple store although, hey, that could be cool.

But, it’s as good a place as any to meet someone, right? It’s where Robin Williams met his latest bride (No. 3), so it can’t be all that bad, right?

Lots of people hate the bar scene: “You can’t meet anyone good there.” I’m not so sure of that. I did — OK, twice, but still. Online dating sites? Same complaint: “I’ve seen him on this site for years. Playah!” OK, but maybe he was in a long-term relationship and broke up … just at the same time your relationship ended and you’re back online (and he’s thinking, “I’ve seen her on this site for years. Playah!”)

Honestly, I don’t where to “go” to meet someone. I think you just have to live your life and not hole up in your pad with a Snuggie , a pint of Ben & Jerry’s, Netflix and the remote. It doesn’t make a difference where or how you meet someone as long as you meet someone.

Generally, it starts with a smile and a hello.

The bigger issue, of course, is how to make things work after the smile, hello and first date. Hey — do they have an app for that yet?

• Where’s the most unusual place you met someone?
• Where do you “go” to meet potential romantic partners?
• What’s harder/more enjoyable — meeting people or the first date?

“Sara, I am not doing Black Friday with you,” I said a little too loudly on my phone as I walked Roxy.

“Oh, c’mon. It will be fun!”

“Getting up at 3 a.m. is not my idea of fun, unless Sean’s poking me and even then …”

“But you love shopping, Kat.”

“I don’t love it, but, yeah, I like me a good shopping ‘experience’ like any other woman, just not with hundreds of crazed shoppers around me. Anyway, I’m going small this year with the gifts.”

“Well, I need to get Todd something, and I have no idea what to get and how much to spend.”

“It will be near impossible to make a rational decision fighting the hordes half-asleep.”

“You’re right. OK, but … what do I get him?”

And isn’t that the million-dollar question on a lot of people’s minds this time of year, especially if they’re in a new relationship — or not sure if they’re even in a relationship? 

I’m a pretty good gift giver — I think. I listen throughout the year for the “I wish” and “I’d love to get,” and if it hasn’t been bought by year’s end that’s likely what Sean, my kids or my parents will find under the tree. Although I still think the best gifts are the ones you give throughout the year “just because,” not just it’s expected of you. The holidays make everybody crazy.

But when you’ve got a new love? I’m just as stumped as Sara is because you’re still learning about him or her. Until you come to an understanding about gift-giving patterns and expectations — is he a big-gift giver or a non-gift guy? Does he have a sense of who you are or did he buy you something some salesperson talked him into? — you have to give something. But, what?

I’ve made CD compilations in the past, but that’s not OK for everyone and might be considered cheap early on in a relationship. Plus, all that’s changed now because of technology. If he’s an iPad/iPhone guy, you can bet the CD and DVD players are long gone.

Lord knows we all have enough stuff, so I’m loathe to buy just anything. How many hat and scarf sets or leather gloves does a guy need? I prefer to give the gift of experience — a concert, a show, a getaway. Can’t do that early on in a relationship, though — it’s a commitment for a future day, and who knows if you’ll still be together or not?

Then there’s the price thing. How much do you spend on someone you’ve known for six months? A year?

And, do you even give a gift to someone who isn’t your boyfriend or girlfriend, someone you’re just seeing? That’s a tricky one.

Now, I’m easy to give for; cook me a dinner, arrange a picnic hike, tickets to a favorite band — I melt like buttah. Just don’t get me something sparkly; as I’ve written before, if a guy buys me jewelry, I know the relationship is doomed.

So, help me help Sara:

• If you’re a guy, what do you like to get as a gift?
• What truly matters more, the thought or the gift? (Be honest!)
  
• What would be inappropriate to get from someone you’re been dating six months?
• Does it bother you if someone you’re dating seems clueless about what you’d like?

 Photo © Mosista Pambudi – Fotolia.com

The phone rang ridiculously early on a Saturday morning. It was Sara. I looked over at Sean — snoring happily and oblivious to the drama that was most likely about to unfold — so I answered.

“Did you see that article in the Times?”

“What article?”

“The ‘Modern Love‘ article. She sounds like us.”

“I’ll get back to you,” I said as I hung up the phone and curled back up against Sean, who let out a muffled “Humph.”   

True to my word, I did read the article later that day. And although the author, Sara Eckel, is younger than Sara and me by a few, cough, decades, I totally get what she’s saying:

Being an unattached woman who would rather not be somehow meant you were a nitwit, a bubblehead who had few concerns beyond shopping, pedicures and “Will he call?” My friends and I had no interest in shopping or pedicures, but that didn’t stop us from feeling wildly embarrassed that we longed for love. … Like single women everywhere, I had bought into the idea that the problem must be me, that there was some essential flaw — arrogance, low self-esteem, fear of commitment — that needed to be fixed. I needed to be fixed.

Somehow, if you are a woman admitting that you’d rather not be single — whether you’ve never married or whether you are divorced and looking for love again — people assume there must be something wrong with you if you either make that a priority or if you can’t find someone.

As midlife divorcees, the stereotypes about Sara and me are a little different than those about Eckel and her generation (30-somethings), but they are no less maddening.

Divorcees (of any age) are bitter women who battle their exes and use their children as pawns and their child support payments to become plastic Barbies to keep their fading beauty from fading too quickly, and who got divorced because they knew they’d walk away with the house, the kids and a big, fat alimony check.  Or something like that. It isn’t true for many of us — certainly not Sara and me — but that doesn’t make things better. Perception is reality for too many people.

I hate the perceptions about divorced people — we’re failures, flawed, selfish, and self-absorbed people who don’t understand what commitment and “for better or worse” means, and put our own needs (aka happiness) before our children’s need, blah, blah, blah.

Those perceptions sting.

Like Eckel, we are wrestling with the belief that there’s something inherently wrong with us — we couldn’t make a marriage work, after all. How hard is that?!?! OK, granted — there are some divorced people who are bitter, who are oblivious to what commitment means, who have selfishly put their needs before their kids’. But, please don’t paint all of us with that broad paintbrush.

As for wanting love again at midlife, well, there’s the rub: Most of us assume we won’t find someone because of our wrinkles, sags and “issues.” And, yes — it is a little harder to find people at age 40 and beyond because the pool of eligible men is somewhat smaller and there’s a certain percentage of guys who want to skew younger. Fine — we’re not interested in those types! As Eckel says:

Did we find love because we grew up, got real and worked through our issues? No. We just found the right guys. We found men who love us even though we’re still cranky and neurotic, haven’t got our careers together, and sometimes talk too loudly, drink too much and swear at the television news. We have gray hairs and unfashionable clothes and bad attitudes. They love us, anyway.

Finding the “right guys” (or, in broader terms, the right person) is the take-home message.

Of course, nothing’s wrong with naming and addressing our issues head-on, and working through them as best we can. You can’t be available to fully embrace and love someone else if you can’t fully embrace and love yourself.

But, really, someone who loves us despite the crankiness, neuroses, gray hairs, bad clothes and other “endearing qualities” — isn’t that what we all want?

We just have to be prepared to do the same for someone else.

• Ever feel that there was something wrong with you because you were seeking love?
• Ever feel that something was wrong with you because you couldn’t find love?
• Ever feel that something was wrong with you because you couldn’t hold on to love?
• What stereotypes as a single or divorced person bother you the most?

Photo © Refocus Photography – Fotolia.com

“Do you think Sara Leal’s attractive?” I asked Sean as we snuggled on a lazy Sunday morning.

“Who’s that?”

Sean’s a smart guy, but he’s not too hip when it comes to the latest celebrity or celeb scandal — thankfully!

“The young blond party girl who had sex with Ashton.”

“Why do you pay attention to that stuff?”

Good question. I really don’t because I just can’t stand our celeb-obsessed culture. But as someone who likes to observe people — and as a mom —a Sara Leal is someone to pay attention to.    

Why? She’s pretty, young, has a great bod and can party with best of them — the kind of girl a lot of guys like to sleep with.

Now, I never would have heard about Sara and I’ll bet neither would have any one else if she hadn’t had unprotected sex — twice — with Ashton Kutcher, Demi Moore’s husband.

So why do I know about the 22-year-old? Because after first asking for $250,000 to shut up about it, which obviously didn’t happen, she then blabbed about it to anyone who would listen (which, sadly, is a huge portion of the population) — presumably for cash — saying that sleeping with him has messed up her life.

No, Sara, the truth is, you messed up your life. Sleeping with a married man (OK, he allegedly told her he was separated, but still) is bad enough but I won’t judge other people’s actions. But sleeping with him and then selling your story and all the details (“He had great endurance. We were up for a while. It was about two hours.”) to magazines isn’t going to help you move past your part-time modeling gig.

Except, of course, it probably will. I imagine Sara’s already entertaining offers to pose naked in Playboy, and I wouldn’t doubt that we’ll soon see her on reality TV. To get your 15 minutes of fame nowadays all you have to do is sleep with a high-profile guy once or twice, sell your story or pictures of it, or both, and you’ll pocket a few thousand to ease your heartbreak.

If I were a mom of a daughter, we’d probably be having a long discussion about how not to get famous by going the Sara Leal route. Being naive and stupid (unprotected sex?) and then opportunistic is a very ugly combination, no matter how pretty you are.

Then there are all the topless picture of her circulating on the Internet and descriptions by friends that she “parties a lot” and would “go out with her best friends, and she’d get drunk and be the fun girl.” This is not something to be known for. Being a party girl ages you pretty quickly.

And her 15 minutes of fame from all of this will blow away quickly, and she’ll spend many more years trying to get people to forget about it than being able to capitalize on it. Need proof? Look at Monica Lewinsky, who didn’t seek fame but who got it anyway.

Reading some of the comments on the online stories about the Sara-Ashton “event,” guys are calling her skanky but in the same breath saying, “but I’d still f@*k her.” Because that’s how people will see her now. I have to wonder — was it worth it?

Knowing that about some guys, and I’m mom to a guy, I’ll be talking about Sara Leal to The Kid, too. While Ashton may have been a relatively safe bet for having unprotected sex with since he’s been married for the past six years, Sara is a party girl. If she’s having sex on the first hookup with no protection, you can pretty much bet she doesn’t use protection, period, and the consequences of that could be disastrous — STDs, AIDs, a baby. I really want my kid to think about that.

Beyond the sex part, I’d want to explore with him why guys find someone like Sara Leal — with her heavy makeup and boozy partying — attractive? OK, that was a stupid question — I know why guys find someone like Sara Leal attractive. Which makes me think we have a very skewed idea of what’s attractive.

When I explained to Sean why, as a mom, I feel a need to talk about Sara Leal, I asked him again if he thought she was attractive. “No,” he said, “but I’d still f@*k her.”

• Is there a message for kids in the Sara Leal saga?
• Is there a message for all of us in the Sara Leal saga?

I couldn’t wait to get together with Mia; she’d met a guy who sounded pretty darn as close to perfect as you can get and I wanted to know more. So we met at the arts fest, not even feeling the raindrops because our conversation was so animated.

“OK, what are the stats?”

“He’s 52, tall, fit, nice salt-and-pepper hair …”

“Uh-huh. And?”

“Loves to hike, super-smart and super-sweet. Coached his kids’ soccer teams …”

“Sounds good. And?”

“And he’s a real gentleman. He paid for our dates, even though I insisted I’ll pay. He didn’t come on real strong; I practically had to throw myself at him to get him to kiss me.”

“Ah, he likes a bit of the chase? Nice!”

“And I’m starting to get crazy about him.”

“Mia, it’s way too soon for that! But I know — it’s hard not to feel excited about someone who’s so great. How long has he been divorced?”

“Hmm, well …”

“Well, what?”

“He’s just separated.”

“As in ‘just’ how long ago?”

“Two months.”

I think my mouth must have dropped far enough to smudge my cute new black cotton wedgies — that’s how shocked I was.

“Mia, what are you doing with a newly separated guy?”

“Enjoying our time together, why?” she sniffed.

“Because, because … because, it’s all wrong!”

“Says who?”

Says probably about every dating expert out there, although you don’t want to necessarily follow everything they say. But, who needs a dating expert to tell us that getting involved with someone fresh out of a marriage — and I wouldn’t call separated “out” of anything — is a bad idea?

Separated means a lot of things to different people. When Rob and I separated, it was to spend time alone to figure out whether we were going to salvage the marriage or not — that hardly made me dating material. For all Mia knows, this guy and his not-quite-ex could be still working on their relationship, giving each other “space,” dipping their toes into the dating scene to see if they can attract someone new or all of the above. Or maybe they’re actually somewhat happily married and he’s just scouting around for a mistress. Who knows?

As Singlemommyhood notes: “Separated always means in limbo. There is unfinished business — whether it’s emotional, legal, or financial.”

Which is what I told Mia (thanks Dr. Leah).

And Mia would hear nothing of it. Now you know why dating experts and shrinks stay in business — even if we know we’re in a situation that has way too many complications, we still delve right in, hoping this time it will be different.

Maybe it will be.

Probably not.

To me, even a newly divorced guy is a big dating no-no; no one’s ready to be available in a new relationship when he just got out of one. And, if he says he is, it’s because he’s lonely and/or he wants sex.

Getting involved with someone like that is taking a big gamble, one you’re likely going to lose.

• Would you date a separated man or woman?
• How about a newly divorced person?

Photo © Angelika Bentin – Fotolia.com

I was at a Labor Day barbecue, so of course it made sense to talk about work. But a lot of the conversation was about not working.

Two more friends have lost their jobs — Dan and Michael. I feel really bad for both of them, but I feel a lot worse for Dan. Michael is married, and his wife, Natalie, works; he’s OK for now (although this puts their marriage at a greater risk of divorce). Dan is single and although he’s smart, talented and an all-around great guy who can probably survive for a while on his savings, who wants to date an unemployed man?

No one. At least, that’s what he told me. 

“Dan, you don’t actually tell people you’re unemployed, do you?”

“Yeah, because I am — along with I don’t know how many millions of other people.”

“But, that’s shocking for people to hear, especially women you want to date; you need
to spin it.”

“Like what? That I’m on a sabbatical or I’m an independent consultant? Oh, please!”

“Can’t hurt.”

“It’s not exactly honest, either. Not the best way to start a relationship.”

He has a point.

I’m all for honesty, and if you’re jobless and don’t share that with a new love right from the start, it will be a big ugly mess explaining it later when it eventually gets discovered — and you just know it will! As it must.

That’s a much bigger problem for guys than women, not surprisingly. Unemployed women are still datable and guys are not —  if that isn’t proof about how far we haven’t come as a society, I don’t know what is.

I suppose Dan can give up dating for a while — all that extra time and energy (and cash!) can be spent looking for a new job, volunteering or learning new skills. But, if one part of your life is out of whack — like your health or your job or your love life — it really helps to have the other parts a little more stable. Knowing someone has your back and still finds you lovable makes losing a job somewhat less traumatic — for a while, anyway.

Of course, Dan can continue his dating routine, which is pretty much a lot of hookups and friends with benefits arrangements, like most people date nowadays anyway. As weird as it sounds, it actually seems to be the perfect way to have fun and connect with people given what’s going on; you don’t need to wine and dine anyone! Could it be that our casual sex dating rituals are a byproduct of the recession?

I don’t think our economy is getting back to normal any time soon — if you’re unemployed or underemployed and looking for love, what do you do?

Like this? You might like:

He’s jobless — do you date him?

Photo © Christopher Hall – Fotolia.com

As Sara and I browsed the Union Street boutiques searching for the perfect Little Black Dress for her niece’s wedding in a few weeks, we couldn’t help but overhear two attractive 30-something blondes nearby. Their conversation sounded eerily familiar to ones Sara and I had had ourselves not too long ago.

“I swear, I just don’t get dating anymore. It’s impossible to be what guys are looking for. You’re screwed if you’re too direct because then you’re come off as cold. If you’re too aloof, you’ll seem like a bitch but if you’re too eager then you’re too needy,” one lamented.

“You’re so right.”

“Plus, you can’t talk about your ex-boyfriends because you’ll sound bitter, but you can’t talk about the future either because then it’s like you’re fishing around for commitment or something,” she continued.     

“It’s nothing like when we were in our 20s!”

“But, we’re not even old!”

“I know but it feels like it. Like that guy I went out with last week, you know? When I told him I was 34, it was like I could see him doing the baby momma math on me — ‘Well, if we start dating now, then get engaged and married, it will be about two or three years and we’ll have to have a baby right away because she’ll be too old and I’m not ready yet.’ It’s depressing!”

Wow — even I was getting depressed listening to them! Now, when Sara and I were bemoaning dating post-divorce, we were in our 40s, fresh out 15-year marriages, and moms. We were not baby-making machines anymore. We already had kids, and most of the guys who were interested in dating us were mostly divorced and had kids, too; the guys our age who didn’t were looking for younger women, not us (well, except for a hookup). Coordinating custody schedules was challenging, and single parenting and working full time was exhausting!

Still, I remember thinking how much easier it might be to find love again if I had gotten divorced in my 30s, not my 40s. Listening to the blondes, however, I’m realizing that may not be the case.

But, the young blonde (yes, 34 is young!) was right — once you’re out of your 20s, dating is an entirely different beast. Dating in your 30s gets a lot more complicated because of kids — either you have them, which limits your dating ability; you don’t have them but you want them, which puts you on a tight time-track for fertility; you don’t have them and you don’t want them, but you may have to reject a lot of good guys who do want to have kids; or you have them and you want more of them, which, again, means you may be facing fertility issues.

Whoever said kids put a strain on a marriage has no idea how hard it is to date with or without kids as a 30-something!

All of which means — you better enjoy dating in your 20s because if will never be as carefree and fun or offer as many options again! Ever. OK, that’s not fair; I had fun dating post-divorce and, after all, I met Sean in my mid-40s and that’s been very great. A few of my middle-aged friends have met great guys and women, too (although none has remarried). But, let’s face it — dating when you’re older is really, really different, especially if you’re looking for a relationship and not just casual sex. And sometimes, it downright sucks.

What’s your dating story at your age?

Photo © Angelika Bentin – Fotolia.com

When I saw that my friend Dan had changed his Facebook status to “in a relationship,” I just had to give him a call. But first, I clicked on the profile of the gal he was in a relationship with. Much to my surprise, she looked nothing like I would expect him to be with, based on his former girlfriends. She’s pretty, but in a sweet girl-next-door way.

What had happened to the Dan who always fell for babes who looked like they made their living swinging naked on a pole at the local strip club?

So I called him, and yesterday we meet over some beers.

“Should I be worried about you?” I asked.

“Why? Do I look sick?”

“No. Actually, you look happy.”

“I am happy. I’m in love.”

“But she’d not your type!”     

“Who? Kat, did you …”

So of course I fessed up on my snooping.

“Katy is absolutely my type! She’s sweet and smart and a total babe. You had me pegged all wrong.”

“I had you pegged by what you usually dated — they may have been smart and maybe even sweet but they were way beyond ‘total babes’ — they were, you know, skanky.”

“Well, just like women are drawn to bad boys, we guys are drawn to sluts. We can’t help it. But, no guy wants to to be boyfriend to that. We just want to …”

“Have sex with them.”

“Bingo.”

“So a girl who gives it up on the first date?”

“Uh, probably not the bring-home-to-the parents type. But you know that.”

“But, women don’t trash a guy because he wants to have sex on the first date. We expect a guy’s going to at least try!”

“Guys aren’t woman and women aren’t guys. Thankfully.”

“So, then why do women give it up so easily and dress so trashy?”

“Kat, I think you would know that better than I.”

And he was right, I guess.

Women like to dress provocatively; I know I do. It gets attention from guys, and I like to play up my femininity. But as I age I know there’s a line between looking sexy and looking trashy; older women who try too hard to look young cross that line in a tragic way. You can get away with some trashiness when you’re 20-something, but you actually don’t have to do too much to look sexy at that age; I wish more young women understood that!

But when it comes to sex, I know why some women give it up easily — they just want to have some fun, just like guys do. I’m not going to say it’s empowering — God, I’m really beginning to hate that word! It’s just that some women don’t have any hangups about casual sex. But a whole lot more women do, and they have sex freely and easily because they’re hoping it will lead to a something, probably a relationship. Sometimes it does but not necessarily with someone we want to be with for the long haul. Even if we don’t put out on the first date, Date 3 comes along and …

But, if guys don’t particularly want to have relationships with women who dress like they’re working the street corner and who give it up too soon (and I’m not 100 percent convinced I know when “too soon” is), then why do so many women go the skanky route? If guys like the chase then shouldn’t more women who are interested in having a relationship hold out from having sex with a guy for as long as they can — or at least until they recognize the guy’s not in it just to score?

Of course, if a guy dumps a woman after sleeping with her on the first date, he probably wasn’t too serious about wanting a relationship in the first place. It shouldn’t be a deal-breaker, or should it?

• Guys, what do you think of women who have sex on the first date?
• Do you always try to score on Date No. 1?
• Are skanky women lookers and not keepers?
• Gals, do you have sex on the first date? Why or why not?
• Do you dump a guy who tries? Do you have more respect for a guy who doesn’t try?

 Photo © dimis – Fotolia.com

“You won’t believe who I ran into the other day,” Sara said as we stood in line to board the ferry to the Giants game.

“I hope someone worth running into, like Lincecum or whatever actor’s filming somewhere around here.”

“No, someone much more interesting — Todd’s ex.”

Todd’s the OkCupid guy Sara’s still sweet on and vice versa.

“Oooh, what’s she like?”

“Nothing like I thought she’d be like, which, of course, is all based on what Todd told me about her. She’s not at all psycho. She actually seemed like she could kick back a cosmo or two with us, you know? I like her.” 

There are a few weird experiences when you’re divorced — meeting your ex’s new love, having your new love meet your kids, meeting your new love’s kids, and meeting your new love’s ex.

I always listen to a guy talk about his ex with a grain of salt — there’s his version of the truth, her version and then “the truth,” which is likely some mash-up of his truth and hers.

Of course, some exes truly are total nightmares and they can ruin a budding love affair, as Sara discovered when she fell in love with Jeff many months ago but ended it because she couldn’t imagine a future with Jeff and his psycho ex. What happens, though, if you kind of like his ex and he still feels negatively toward her; can you be a positive thing in their relationship — especially if kids are involved.

And at what point do you ask to meet the new love — if you even should ask, that is. If you know your ex has a serious squeeze, one who’s spending time with your kids and developing a relationship with them, do you have a right to ask to meet her? Do you hang around places you know you might accidentally on purpose bump into her, or do you just let it go? And, do you make sure your ex meets you new sweetie?

None of these are questions we even think off when we’re divorcing — there are bigger issues then, right? Funny, but then they start to play a role in our new life, and now we’re forced to think about them whether we want to or not.

I’m not saying it’s better to stay married, but it sure can be less complicated!

• What has been your experience with either past or present exes?
• What has been your new love’s — past or present — of your ex?
• Do you believe you should meet your ex’s new love if it looks serious and you have kids?

Photos © Angelika Bentin – Fotolia.com

Mia, Sara and I walked out of “Friends With Benefits” and headed straight to the nearest bar. A movie like that will do that to a gal.

Not that there was anything earth-shattering in the movie with Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis; it’s just that the concept — can you have casual sex with someone you know and like as a friend? — is one that most women like to dissect.

“I’ll have a cosmo,” Mia said to the bartender as we sidled up to the bar.

“Same,” Sara said.

“Grey Goose. Rocks. Twist,” I said.       

“You always have  to be different,” Sara huffed.

“Not always.”

“Well, even your FWB — why did it work for you and not us?” Sara said, taking a long sip of her cosmo.

Honestly, I don’t know. But, first let me back up.

When we each got divorced, Sara, Mia and I were, like most newly divorced people — total messes. We’d each lost about 10 pounds — that wasn’t so bad, actually — from lack of sleep and food; we cried a lot; we couldn’t concentrate; we looked like crap. But we tried our best to keep it together for our kids and jobs.

Then at some point things started to normalize and something weird happened — we started feeling better about ourselves and less uncertain each day, and men started to notice us. And that was a good thing because by that time, we were months into the split and horny! But dating seemed daunting and besides, we really weren’t ready for that; who is right after a split?

And so we each found a way to have casual sex without picking up random guys in bars for one-nighters (although Sara did that, too); we looked at the men we already knew and had some sort of a relationship with. That’s how each of found ourselves in bed with a “friend.”

Why do I think mine worked well? I think because I know myself well enough to know that I can separate sex from emotions (although, I genuinely like him). Our life situations were very different so a relationship couldn’t work even if we wanted. And, it only lasted a few months. I guess that’s why my FWB parted without drama and, yes, we’re still friends (although we’re thousand of miles apart at this point).

Can a friends with benefits relationship work? A FWB  arrangement is a delicate thing; I’m not sure most of us can do it well — if at all. Someone always seems to want more and someone always seems to get hurt. That’s not what FWBs are supposed to be about.

Of course, they’re not supposed to end like Timberlake and Kunis do, either (spoiler) — they actually do fall in love. Hmm, but it they really didn’t want a relationship, why is that considered a good thing?

• Can friends with benefits work?
• Have you had one (or more)?

Photo © Ramon Cami – Fotolia.com