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Jan 31

Can you masturbate too much?

Posted on Monday, January 31, 2011 in Happiness, Honesty, Kat, masturbation, Men, Relationships, Sex/sexuality, teens/teenagers, Women

It was 2 a.m., but I couldn’t sleep. After tossing and turning for what seemed like hours (but was only about a half-hour), I turned on the light and started reading.

That’s when I heard a mini-commotion in The Kid’s room.

“Good Lord; I think I heard The Kid masturbating this morning,” I said to Sara, calling her on my lunch break.

“I’m surprised you haven’t heard him before, given his age,” Sara observed. “Was he doing it to porn?”

“How should I know? I certainly not going to ask him!”

“Well, did you hear any other moaning, like a woman’s?”  

“Not really.”

“Because you know he’s watching it, too.”

“Duh! He’s a guy.”

“Just don’t let him watch too much porn, or no girl will ever satisfy him.”

“Do you really believe that?”

“I do, don’t you?”

I don’t know. My gut (a little looser than usual lately but, hey — it’s a post-holiday gut) says no: How can a guy prefer to watch porn and whack off  instead of having a real-live naked babe writhing all over him? I watch porn and as nice as it is to see hard-bodied men with rather, uh, generous members going at it, I’d much, much rather have a guy with a member of normal size (oh, OK, I’ll accept larger, too) naked in front of me.

So this fear about porn seems silly to me. But now sexuality counselor and author Ian Kerner warns that guys are masturbating way to much, and women are suffering because of it:

(M)en are masturbating 50 to 500% more than they would normally without Internet porn. So if a guy normally masturbated once a day, he might now be doing it two or three times a day. …

(T)oday’s woman faces more challenges to her sexual satisfaction than ever before. An increasing number of men are suffering from a syndrome I’ve dubbed Sexual Attention Deficit Disorder. Just as people with real ADD tend to be easily distracted, guys with SADD have become so accustomed to the high levels of visual novelty and stimulation that Internet porn provides that they’re unable to focus on real sex with a real woman. Men with SADD tend to find themselves getting bored or impatient during sex, and suffering from mechanical “male-functions”: They may be physiologically aroused and even have an erection, but they’re not at peak mental arousal. Guys with SADD may also simply lack the mojo for real sex because they’re depleted from masturbation. They’re not running on a full tank, physically, mentally, and certainly not sexually.

“Depleted from masturbation?” What a great way to be exhausted!

But I’m not sure about this SADD thing. I’ve been bored and impatient during sex from time to time — haven’t we all? That’s why women fake orgasms; they just want the guy to get it over already so they can go to sleep!

My problem with porn addiction isn’t the porn; it’s the addiction. Anything in excess — drinking, drugs, gambling and, yes, porn — is unhealthy. But, it’s the “excess” part that’s unhealthy, not the activity.

So, what’s the “right” amount of porn to watch? 15 minutes a day? A week? And how many times should guys be jacking off? Daily? Weekly? Kerner doesn’t say, and maybe that’s the problem — there’s no right amount for everyone; it depends how it’s impacting your relationships, if it’s impacting your relationships.

At least Kerner gives teen guys a buy; a few times a day isn’t excessive for them, he says. I’m sure The Kid will be relieved.

  • Is porn a big problem fin your relationships?
  • Are men masturbating too much?
  • Are women?
  • Would you rather watch porn and jack off, or have a willing naked person in bed with you?
  • Have you ever been bored and impatient during sex?

© Cristian Ilie Ionesc – Fotolia.com

Jan 24

Should your boyfriend sleep over?


“So, are you and Sean getting together tonight?” Mia asked me as she, Sara and I trudged up the Matt Davis trail.

“Nah, The Kid’s with me tonight.”

“So?” Sara asked.

“So, he doesn’t sleep over when Trent’s with me. You know that.”

Sara stopped abruptly. “Still? Are you kidding me?”

“No, why?”

“Haven’t you guys been together for, like, years?” Mia asked.

“Yeah, about three or four, I guess.”

“So why can’t he sleep over?”

“Well, he could but he doesn’t
feel comfortable with it, and
I want to respect that.”       

“Kat, that’s crazy!” Sara insisted. “You guys are in a committed, monogamous relationship. You know Trent knows you guys are having sex! Why not be out in the open about it?”

I have no problem being open about a lot about sex with The Kid — just not about my personal sex life.

And, really, what kid even wants to think about his
or her parents having sex?
It’s just one big eww!! Most kids think they’re parents stopped having sex when the last kid was born, and they didn’t enjoy it anyway. So if I were still married, my sex life most likely even be an issue.

But when you’re a divorced parent and dating, it’s hard to hide what’s going on, beyond just the noisy sex thing. Having a man who’s not quite our dad, but more than a family friend shuffling over to the breakfast table in his jammies, bed-hair and morning woody — or that look on a guy’s face that only comes from having taken care of that — feels a little too in your face. And there’s always the chance that a kid’s going to accidentally see a boyfriend or girlfriend naked.

Of course, Trent knows what’s going on. But, I don’t feel like I have to fill in the details for him

  • Is it OK for a boyfriend/girlfriend to sleep over when you have kids?
  • Does it matter how long you’ve been together or how old the kids are?
  • If one of your parents did that while you were young, how did you feel about it?

Photo © Angelika Bentin – Fotolia.com

Oct 26

He’s got game — video games, that is

Posted on Tuesday, October 26, 2010 in Aging, dating, Happiness, Men, Relationships, teens/teenagers, Women

I was a little lost looking up and down the aisles of Best Buy, trying to find the new PSP3 video game title The Kid asked me to pick up for him.

But as it turned out, my aging eyesight wasn’t being put to the test as much my ears. Nearby, I could hear a few guys discussing the pros and cons of various video games. I thought they were middle-aged dads talking about their teens’ gaming skills, until I gave them a good look — they were late-20- to early-30-somethings, max, too young to have kids indulging in the joys of the latest Grand Theft Auto.

I returned to my search, but I couldn’t help but think, “Dudes, aren’t you a little too old to be playing video games?”  

And then I thought of The Kid, who kills more than his share of hours in front of FIFA
Soccer 11
or the latest MLB or Madden title, and all of a sudden I had a freak-out moment — is he going to be a gamer past his teens? He wouldn’t be the only one. And, if I were dating someone like him — or the late-20- to early-30-somethings at Best Buy — how would I feel about it?

Would I want to be dating a gamer?

No. Well, I don’t think so, but I realize it’s not fair to say that; I’m not a late-20- to early-30-something woman who’s grown up with video games and all the other techno stuff we can’t seem to live without. Maybe it’s no big deal. Honestly — how different is it than blobbing out in front of the TV, which I did grow up with (although barely watch anymore). We Trekkies turned out OK, right? And, my boomer friends and I still play board games — Scrabble, anyone?

And yet, there’s something about guys sitting around for hours on end killing people or even just kicking soccer balls around  that makes me pause; it seems childish, like guys are suspended in adolescence (not quite a child, not quite a man but a child-man).

Now, I love it when a guy is in touch with his boyish side, but I mean the playful, imaginative, dreamer side — not the boyish side usually portrayed in the clueless T&A-obsessed beer-soused frat boy flicks, the kind that thinks hours of Final Fantasy with a Halo– keg and pizza chaser is a good use of time. But I wouldn’t be dating those kinds of guys, anyway.

I don’t think video game playing is a threat to society — if I did, I wouldn’t let The Kid play them (although at this point, it would be one helluva battle to get him to stop!) I think checking your cellphone or Facebook constantly may be more threatening — certainly to relationships, and that happens a lot more with both genders and among all ages.

I would have no problem learning how to play FIFA Soccer 11 or whatever if it brought my kid and me together although I haven’t volunteered to learn nor has he asked; might be weird to bitch-slap Mortal Kombat‘s Bo Rai Cho with your Mom by your side.

Would I want to do that to be closer to my partner? Uh …

  • How do you feel about guys playing video games?
  • Is there an age when guys should stop?
  • Is it any better/worse than TV watching?
  • Do you kids play them, and do you place limits on time/violent titles?