Don’t dump me that way

I had just sat down with The Kid for dinner when my cellphone rang. I never answer the phone when I’m dining — that’s what voice mail is for — so I ignored it. Then it rang again. And again. And again.

Then I started to worry; what happened?

I looked at the missed calls — it was Mia. So I called her back.

“What’s wrong?”

All I heard were heavy sobs and a lot of nose-blowing.

“Mia, you OK, honey?”

“Rex.”

“What about Rex? Is he OK?”

“He, he, he dumped me!”

“He what?!?”

“He dumped me, on, on, on ..”            

“On what?”

“The phone. He dumped me by phone!”

I nearly dropped my phone. Mia and Rex have been seeing each other for years. I knew they had their troubles recently but, what couple doesn’t? Regardless — you don’t dump your long-time sweetie by phone. Or do you?

I was as horrified as everyone else when Britney Spears sent Kevin Federline packing by text a few years back, setting the stage for millions of  texting dumpers. But that was just the beginning; now people are breaking up by Facebook (since when is his status
“single”?) and Twitter (are 140 characters enough?)

What’s the proper etiquette on how to kiss someone goodbye forever? Can texting “We R through” or “U R history” or something pithy like that ever be the right thing to do?

Sure, according to a Male Call column yesterday that gives ground rules for modern-day breakups.

Texting is OK  if you’re been dating less than a week. You’re not even worthy of that if it’s only been a date (although neither seem much like a relationship and therefore not much of a breakup, right?) Still, that leaves a lot of people— the ones who no doubt felt some sort of a “connection” —  wondering, what happened?

OK, well, maybe no one owes you anything after one or two dates — unless your date said, “Let’s make plans again soon” when he/she knew there was no way in hell that was happening. Still, people do that; that’s just messed up.

So, how do you handle breakups? Here’s what else Male Call says:

• Marriage of longer than two days: Weeks or months of couples therapy is appropriate, which will serve to remind you both of all the reasons you shouldn’t be together any longer.
• LTR, featuring living together and commingling of assets: Face-to-face talk, especially revolving around who gets the elk antler coffee table (him) and who gets the friends (her).
• Six months: Still merits a face-to-face encounter, preferably at her place. If things go south, at least she’ll be smashing her ceramic unicorn collection instead of your pristine set of NFL snow globes.
• One to three months: This is phone-call territory. No need for detailed explanations — get in, get out, nobody gets hurt. Oh, sorry. That’s just a saying. And don’t leave the news on her voice mail. Unless she’s really hard to get hold of and you’ve tried, like, two times already.
• One week: Sit outside her house and text her from your car.
• One date: Think fondly of your time together as you dial another girl’s number.

I’m not sure I agree that you can break up by phone after one to three months; a lot would depend on whether you were seeing each other the traditional Friday-Saturday nights or if you were screwing each other silly seven days a week and twice on Sundays. That might require some face time. Otherwise you’re going to send a lot of nice women to Ben & Jerry’s needlessly.

Actually, I think once you’re actually exchanged bodily fluids — and it wasn’t a mutually agreed upon one-night stand — then you owe someone a call.

• How do you breakup with someone?
• Do you have your own guidelines?
• What’s the worst way anyone’s ever dumped you?
• Ever regret the way you’ve dumped someone?
  
• Is it OK to text, Facebook  or Twitter a goodbye?