I was in line at the supermarket when a 30-something woman talking on her cellphone wheeled up behind me; I could hear everything she was saying. She was talking about a breakup, or at least it had all the hallmarks of a specific kind of breakup — she was guessing, second-guessing, making excuses, sounding hopeful and teary-eyed all at once.

It was a “He’s Just Not That Into You” Moment if I ever heard one. And a uniquely gal moment.    

I tried to focus my attention on the magazines at the checkout stand, but those were even more depressing — Cosmo wants to boost my confidence and clue me in on guys’ top sex secrets, O magazine wants to tell me how to try my true calling and how to be beautiful.

I know women can’t be the only ones who have self-doubts, but I don’t think guys obsess about it as much as we do — nor do they have such of barrage of messages coming from all sorts of media. I mean, would a guy ever pick up a book like “Why She Disappeared?” Yet, we have “Why He Disappeared” (written by Evan Marc Katz, whom I admire. Hey, I’ll take relationship advice from a guy over a woman any day!).

Are women innately more insecure than men are? Or, do we seek self-awareness more than men do?

Not to say that men don’t look at themselves and their relationships critically; I’m sure they do. And there’s advice for men out there, too, otherwise you wouldn’t see the thriving PUA movement.

It’s just that most of the self-help and relationship books are geared toward women and we’re scooping them up are like crazy. Would all those “Mars and Venus” books and seminars be around if it weren’t for women? Would Oprah and Dr. Phil be who they are without women? Not a chance!

I don’t think it’s because we’re insecure; I think it’s because women blame ourselves when things go wrong and look to others to help us, while guys try to fix things themselves.

So how can we, uh, fix this? (No, I’m not asking for your advice!) I think we need to teach our daughters to be less other-directed, stop blaming ourselves and give them the knowledge to figure things out for themselves first before looking for help. And we need to teach our sons that there’s nothing unmanly about asking others for help and to create safe places for them to express their emotional vulnerabilities.

OK, now I am asking for your advice:

• Why do women blame themselves so much?
• Why would men rather go it alone than ask for help?

I couldn’t wait to get together with Mia; she’d met a guy who sounded pretty darn as close to perfect as you can get and I wanted to know more. So we met at the arts fest, not even feeling the raindrops because our conversation was so animated.

“OK, what are the stats?”

“He’s 52, tall, fit, nice salt-and-pepper hair …”

“Uh-huh. And?”

“Loves to hike, super-smart and super-sweet. Coached his kids’ soccer teams …”

“Sounds good. And?”

“And he’s a real gentleman. He paid for our dates, even though I insisted I’ll pay. He didn’t come on real strong; I practically had to throw myself at him to get him to kiss me.”

“Ah, he likes a bit of the chase? Nice!”

“And I’m starting to get crazy about him.”

“Mia, it’s way too soon for that! But I know — it’s hard not to feel excited about someone who’s so great. How long has he been divorced?”

“Hmm, well …”

“Well, what?”

“He’s just separated.”

“As in ‘just’ how long ago?”

“Two months.”

I think my mouth must have dropped far enough to smudge my cute new black cotton wedgies — that’s how shocked I was.

“Mia, what are you doing with a newly separated guy?”

“Enjoying our time together, why?” she sniffed.

“Because, because … because, it’s all wrong!”

“Says who?”

Says probably about every dating expert out there, although you don’t want to necessarily follow everything they say. But, who needs a dating expert to tell us that getting involved with someone fresh out of a marriage — and I wouldn’t call separated “out” of anything — is a bad idea?

Separated means a lot of things to different people. When Rob and I separated, it was to spend time alone to figure out whether we were going to salvage the marriage or not — that hardly made me dating material. For all Mia knows, this guy and his not-quite-ex could be still working on their relationship, giving each other “space,” dipping their toes into the dating scene to see if they can attract someone new or all of the above. Or maybe they’re actually somewhat happily married and he’s just scouting around for a mistress. Who knows?

As Singlemommyhood notes: “Separated always means in limbo. There is unfinished business — whether it’s emotional, legal, or financial.”

Which is what I told Mia (thanks Dr. Leah).

And Mia would hear nothing of it. Now you know why dating experts and shrinks stay in business — even if we know we’re in a situation that has way too many complications, we still delve right in, hoping this time it will be different.

Maybe it will be.

Probably not.

To me, even a newly divorced guy is a big dating no-no; no one’s ready to be available in a new relationship when he just got out of one. And, if he says he is, it’s because he’s lonely and/or he wants sex.

Getting involved with someone like that is taking a big gamble, one you’re likely going to lose.

• Would you date a separated man or woman?
• How about a newly divorced person?

Photo © Angelika Bentin – Fotolia.com

I was at a Labor Day barbecue, so of course it made sense to talk about work. But a lot of the conversation was about not working.

Two more friends have lost their jobs — Dan and Michael. I feel really bad for both of them, but I feel a lot worse for Dan. Michael is married, and his wife, Natalie, works; he’s OK for now (although this puts their marriage at a greater risk of divorce). Dan is single and although he’s smart, talented and an all-around great guy who can probably survive for a while on his savings, who wants to date an unemployed man?

No one. At least, that’s what he told me. 

“Dan, you don’t actually tell people you’re unemployed, do you?”

“Yeah, because I am — along with I don’t know how many millions of other people.”

“But, that’s shocking for people to hear, especially women you want to date; you need
to spin it.”

“Like what? That I’m on a sabbatical or I’m an independent consultant? Oh, please!”

“Can’t hurt.”

“It’s not exactly honest, either. Not the best way to start a relationship.”

He has a point.

I’m all for honesty, and if you’re jobless and don’t share that with a new love right from the start, it will be a big ugly mess explaining it later when it eventually gets discovered — and you just know it will! As it must.

That’s a much bigger problem for guys than women, not surprisingly. Unemployed women are still datable and guys are not —  if that isn’t proof about how far we haven’t come as a society, I don’t know what is.

I suppose Dan can give up dating for a while — all that extra time and energy (and cash!) can be spent looking for a new job, volunteering or learning new skills. But, if one part of your life is out of whack — like your health or your job or your love life — it really helps to have the other parts a little more stable. Knowing someone has your back and still finds you lovable makes losing a job somewhat less traumatic — for a while, anyway.

Of course, Dan can continue his dating routine, which is pretty much a lot of hookups and friends with benefits arrangements, like most people date nowadays anyway. As weird as it sounds, it actually seems to be the perfect way to have fun and connect with people given what’s going on; you don’t need to wine and dine anyone! Could it be that our casual sex dating rituals are a byproduct of the recession?

I don’t think our economy is getting back to normal any time soon — if you’re unemployed or underemployed and looking for love, what do you do?

Like this? You might like:

He’s jobless — do you date him?

Photo © Christopher Hall – Fotolia.com

Sean and I were snuggled under the covers, the blissful few moments of naked skin on naked skin before we had to get up and start our day. Despite the cozy scene, my mind was a mess; I kept thinking about the woman at the party the other night who was so sluttily hanging all over him.

She was also very blond, very busty and very pretty, so of course Sean — being a guy —was enjoying the attention.   

So I sighed.

“What?” Sean asked.

“What, what?”

“You sighed.”

“And?”

“Oh, it sounded like you were about to say something.”

This was my in, my chance to say something about the mate-poaching blonde.

Thankfully, I didn’t. There are some things you just shouldn’t tell your partner. Period.

I’m all for honesty and openness in a relationship, but some things do more damage than good.

Would I “damage” my relationship if I told Sean that I was uncomfortable about how much attention the blonde was lavishing on him, or how much he was clearly loving it?  He’d probably say that I was being insecure, or jealous or making something out of nothing. And, he’d probably be right.

But you can’t— or shouldn’t — be mum about everything. How do you know what to confess and what to keep to yourself?

I think you have to decide which secrets make the relationship more loving and which come from self-interest.

How much and how often you keep mum determines whether you sink or swim as a couple.

I decided to keep us swimming.

“All I was going to say was that I love you so much,” I told Sean as we snuggled even closer.

• What do you withhold from your relationship? Why?
  
• Ever confess something you wish you hadn’t?

Photo © summerdays – Fotolia.com

This should probably go in the What Would Kat Do category, but since that page doesn’t allow comments (as if!), I decided to post it here.

A fan (and I still have problems with that; shall we just call him a reader) recently wrote to me, and after a few back and forths, he agreed to let me tell his story. It isn’t a happy one.

“Jay” is a 46-year-old man, fit (by his definition), kind (ditto), smart (ditto) and, self aware (and given the exchanges we’ve had I’m going to give him the benefit of the doubt on that). Jay isn’t happy because his wife of 20-plus years — whom he loves and with whom he has kids with — is no longer interested in sex. The problem is, Jay is — very much so. In fact, he thinks about sex a lot, especially since it happens so infrequently. And he’s wondering at some point if women lose interest in sex entirely.

Good question, Jay. And the answer is … yes and no.

But, before I get ahead of myself. Let Jay put it in his own words:

Dear Kat:

I’ve been reading your blog for a while now a one thing I really appreciate is that you seem to be a woman who loves and enjoys sex.Boy , do I need to know that exists! It gives me hope that there are middle-aged women (and please don’t take that the wrong way) who still like sex.

The problem is, I’m a middle-aged man who enjoys sex, too — very much. But my wife doesn’t — although she did in our early years — and that has created a lot of stress in our marriage. I’m not ready to give up sex yet, but I can’t seem to get my wife to feel the same way. She’s just not interested in sex — in any variation— but I still am. And I’m attracted to her, even though she’s put on a few pounds; at 45, she looks good.

I asked her to go to couples counseling with me; she says we don’t need it (she suffers from depression, but doesn’t like the way meds make her feel). I asked her to talk to her doctor about it, but she says there’s nothing wrong with her. I’ve tried getting her to watch porn; intimate nights of just touch and cuddling; romancing with candlelight, soft music and her favorite food. I’ve done the “daddy porn” thing — cleaning the house, doing the laundry and taking the kids (11 and 14) out so she can have time alone. You name it, I’ve done it.

Not even a blowjob.

I’m not asking for crazy sex like the “rear door” (not that I’d mind); just the old missionary would be fine.

I don’t want to get a divorce, but short of having an affair , which I’m morally against, and pleasing myself (which I do, but it can only go so far), what can I do? It’s making me feel a little crazy. And very, very frustrated.

Signed: A normal sexual man.

Dear Jay:

Thanks for writing. Wow— that’s one of the saddest stories I’ve heard in a long time. But, you know, not all that uncommon. A lot of women lose interest in sex, but I just don’t understand that! What’s with you gals?

I can tell you that an affair isn’t going to make things better; oh, sure, it will be fun and exciting, but it won’t help your marriage.

But rather than me tell you what to do, Jay, I’ll let my readers — who are infinitely wiser than I am — offer their advice.

Readers, what say you?

I had just sat down with The Kid for dinner when my cellphone rang. I never answer the phone when I’m dining — that’s what voice mail is for — so I ignored it. Then it rang again. And again. And again.

Then I started to worry; what happened?

I looked at the missed calls — it was Mia. So I called her back.

“What’s wrong?”

All I heard were heavy sobs and a lot of nose-blowing.

“Mia, you OK, honey?”

“Rex.”

“What about Rex? Is he OK?”

“He, he, he dumped me!”

“He what?!?”

“He dumped me, on, on, on ..”            

“On what?”

“The phone. He dumped me by phone!”

I nearly dropped my phone. Mia and Rex have been seeing each other for years. I knew they had their troubles recently but, what couple doesn’t? Regardless — you don’t dump your long-time sweetie by phone. Or do you?

I was as horrified as everyone else when Britney Spears sent Kevin Federline packing by text a few years back, setting the stage for millions of  texting dumpers. But that was just the beginning; now people are breaking up by Facebook (since when is his status
“single”?) and Twitter (are 140 characters enough?)

What’s the proper etiquette on how to kiss someone goodbye forever? Can texting “We R through” or “U R history” or something pithy like that ever be the right thing to do?

Sure, according to a Male Call column yesterday that gives ground rules for modern-day breakups.

Texting is OK  if you’re been dating less than a week. You’re not even worthy of that if it’s only been a date (although neither seem much like a relationship and therefore not much of a breakup, right?) Still, that leaves a lot of people— the ones who no doubt felt some sort of a “connection” —  wondering, what happened?

OK, well, maybe no one owes you anything after one or two dates — unless your date said, “Let’s make plans again soon” when he/she knew there was no way in hell that was happening. Still, people do that; that’s just messed up.

So, how do you handle breakups? Here’s what else Male Call says:

• Marriage of longer than two days: Weeks or months of couples therapy is appropriate, which will serve to remind you both of all the reasons you shouldn’t be together any longer.
• LTR, featuring living together and commingling of assets: Face-to-face talk, especially revolving around who gets the elk antler coffee table (him) and who gets the friends (her).
• Six months: Still merits a face-to-face encounter, preferably at her place. If things go south, at least she’ll be smashing her ceramic unicorn collection instead of your pristine set of NFL snow globes.
• One to three months: This is phone-call territory. No need for detailed explanations — get in, get out, nobody gets hurt. Oh, sorry. That’s just a saying. And don’t leave the news on her voice mail. Unless she’s really hard to get hold of and you’ve tried, like, two times already.
• One week: Sit outside her house and text her from your car.
• One date: Think fondly of your time together as you dial another girl’s number.

I’m not sure I agree that you can break up by phone after one to three months; a lot would depend on whether you were seeing each other the traditional Friday-Saturday nights or if you were screwing each other silly seven days a week and twice on Sundays. That might require some face time. Otherwise you’re going to send a lot of nice women to Ben & Jerry’s needlessly.

Actually, I think once you’re actually exchanged bodily fluids — and it wasn’t a mutually agreed upon one-night stand — then you owe someone a call.

• How do you breakup with someone?
• Do you have your own guidelines?
• What’s the worst way anyone’s ever dumped you?
• Ever regret the way you’ve dumped someone?
  
• Is it OK to text, Facebook  or Twitter a goodbye?

“I need you,” Sara said with a certain sense of urgency on the cell phone.

“I just love when someone says that to me, but, you know, usually a guy.”

“Well, perhaps you just need to broaden your perspective, Kat.”

“Ha! What’s up?”

“I’m ready to try online dating again. Help me come up with a profile.”

And that’s how I found myself on a recent weeknight at Sara’s house, each of us in front of our laptops, some hummus and a glass of wine looking at the profiles of other 46- to 52-year-old women to see what Sara was up against. No  problem with a SexyMama smackdown,  but Cook4U (she’s cute, too) could
be problematic.

“OK, so, what’s your philosophy on life?”

“You know it — every day’s a blessing.”

“Sara, you can’t say
that. I mean, you just can’t. What a cliche!”

“But, it’s the truth! You know that’s me.”

And it is Sara, 100 percent. So are these
— energetic, bubbly, fun-loving, loves to travel, lives life to the fullest, good friend,
sexy. Yet she just can’t say any of that on an online profile. Well, actually she could, but I would never tell her to do that. Because it wouldn’t work in her favor. At all. It’s a total turnoff and people read more into a simple statement — “loves to take off on spontaneous trips” could mean high maintenance.

And as we went though the rest of Sara’s dating profile — interests, movies, etc. — I realized that there was a lot of things she just couldn’t say. Or she could, but …

Bummer.

That’s the weird thing about online dating — you can’t be totally honest.

And coming from an online dating fan who couldn’t even care less about a guy’s cliche online dating username or header — let alone his income —  that’s saying a lot.

Most people think online profile dishonesty is about age or using old pictures. But even if you’re trying to describe yourself honestly, there are certain … buzzwords … that make someone sound inauthentic. If you truly are comfortable in jeans or jammie pants while watching a DVD on the couch and also happen to be totally comfortable in a LBD (that’s little black dress, for you guys) and f-me heels (self-explanatory?) at a social event — as I am — well, do you actually say that? No, of course not!

Even though it’s the truth.

Kinda weird.

Unless you look at creating an online profile as a challenge, which it really is. It forces you to say those things but in a more creative way. And, when you think about it, it forces you to think about yourself in a more creative way, too. That’s not so bad.

But for the people who aren’t able to do that, it’s all about the picture. Or is it all about the picture regardless?

• What do you pay attention to in an online dating profile?
• What words turn you off or on?
• How do you describe yourself online?

Photo © Milan Stanic – Fotolia.com

Sara dragged me to the mall right before Thanksgiving because she needed to get a new cell phone. I was shocked that it had been transformed into a Winter Wonderland — red and green trimmings were everywhere, robotic reindeer “ate” who knows what while bobbing their heads in sparkling “snow,” and “fa la la la las” blasted from the speaker system.

“What’s going on?”

“Uh, it’s almost Christmas, Kat. It’s looked like this since Halloween. Where have you been?”

Obviously, thankfully, not at the mall.      

I’m not a Grinch or a Scrooge; in many ways, this is the “most wonderful time of the year.” I totally get into the decorating, the music, the parties. But I hate that I’m expected to think about my loved ones’ wants and desires — as well as caring about those less fortunate — once a year.

Shouldn’t we think about that all the time?

And it’s even worse that the way I’m supposed to show how much I care is by buying something — “Whatcha get?!?” Sure, The Kid was pretty darn happy when an XBox appeared under the tree one year; I’ll bet he would have been just as happy — maybe even happier — if it appeared one day in his room “just because.”

But he seems just as happy when we take a hike together or sit at our favorite little cafe sipping our lattes, when we’re truly present with each other (or is that a mother deluding herself?)

Everyone knows this crazy buying frenzy’s not what Christmas is really about, but that’s what it’s morphed into (because we’ve allowed it to); that’s kind of sad.

And a lot of what we actually get as gifts — a fake crystal candlestick; a made-in-China knitted glove, scarf and beanie set, etc. — isn’t really what we need or even want. It’s just more stuff, and we are drowning in our “stuff.” All you have to do is move or help someone move, and you’ll see how true that is. How many mugs does a person need?

Plus it’s often given out of obligation, not out of love: in what way does that feel good? Sometimes, the gifts we get make us feel even worse about our loved ones: “After all these years together, he still doesn’t know what I like!!!!”

This year especially, when so many of us are hurting financially, how wonderful would it be if we gave in a different way — like giving of ourselves, our time, our energy, our talents. Or maybe giving of our heart by opening up and being honest and genuine with each other.

You, my readers, have been a constant gift to me; I only hope I’ve added a little tinsel to your lives, too. Merry Christmas!

Photo © Melking – Fotolia.com

Mia and I were wrangling over the “special” thing last week. Was it wrong, greedy or needy to want to have someone make us feel “special”?

Do we need to feel “special” past the age when our Moms and Dads told us that we were?

Do we abuse the idea of what we “deserve”?

I don’t know on the “special” thing, and I’d say, sure, we probably can and do abuse our notion of what we “deserve.” Still, most of us don’t want to be with someone who makes us feel like crap. So, why do we tolerate it?

Good question.

So I felt somewhat validated when I read this:

“If you want true power and control over your love life, it’s about breaking that pattern of trying to fix relationships with broken men who treat you like crap, and making healthier decisions about about men. …  (Y)ou’re going to realize that you don’t want a guy who doesn’t make you feel special. You’re going to be free to have a relationship with a man who actually gives you the love you deserve.”

It’s from dating coach Evan Marc Katz‘s new ebook, “Why He
Disappeared.”  

Disclosure: I was approached by Katz to become an affiliate in the book, meaning I could stand to profit from its sales. I have nothing against making money, but I won’t endorse anything I don’t believe in. So, I asked if I could read it first, and I have.

Do I believe in it?

I’ve read my share of self-help books, and so many of them are filled with stuff we already know!

But do we follow through?

Not so much. And that’s the reason why we keep making bad choices in our life when it comes to relationships and other things.

Perhaps it isn’t bad to have a reminder now and then; it’s kinda why we read some blogs anyway, right? To check in on
whether what we’re feeling is “normal” or not.

So, there are a few things Evan’s got going for him.

1. Evan’s blog is on my blogroll — not something I take lightly.
2. He’s a guy; as I’ve said before, most of your gal friends are going to be “yes” women; they’ll tell you what you want to hear, not what you need to hear — which is whatever responsibility we may have in a guy’s disappearance. Not because they’re being manipulative or disingenuous, but because they’re women, too! If you want to know how you rate as girlfriend material, ask a guy. Blowjobs, too.
3. Evan gave Lori Gottlieb dating advice, and, boy, does the girl need it — she rejected a guy for his name! His advice is part of her book “Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough.” Now, I didn’t love the book (too long, self-absorbed, blah, blah), but some of it makes a lot of sense to me (although I still shudder, as so many others do, at the word “settle”; it’s a loaded word), and I’ll bet the parts that make sense to me are the parts Evan’s in.
4. Just the other day, I wrote how we gals have it all wrong; we’ve accomplished so much, we’re making big bucks (well, not me, but others are!), we’ve got fancy titles at work and maybe we have the coveted corner office. You go, girls, But, guess what? Women’s degrees and ambition aren’t aphrodisiacs or turn-ons. Evan has been saying that, too: “Ambitious, successful, strong — the qualities in which you may take the most pride — are not your most desirable assets to most men. It’s not that they don’t matter. It’s that what most men want on a first date is a woman who is easygoing, fun, and appreciative.”

He is so right about that!

Other things he says that I like:

• The qualities that attract us to each other also repel: “We love your feistiness. We tire of the battles; We love your active mind. We tire of the arguments; We love your passion. We tire of the drama.” (OK, guys can have drama, too, but whatever.)
• If you want a masculine guy, embrace your passive feminine side.
• Most guys aren’t bad guys, some are just clueless; cut them some slack.
• Don’t live by arbitrary rules, like you’ll only have sex after x-number of dates. All we have to do is figure out if a guy is interested in us or sex. If we don’t know the answer, don’t get naked!; go ahead if we think we do.
• Don’t rush through a relationship as if we’re trying to get to the end of a novel; let things develop organically, not with insecurity and fear of what’s next.
• The best we can do to keep a guy around is by enhancing his life — “making it better, easier, and more pleasurable than if he was single.” Kinda like wanting to feel special.
• It’s not like Evan wants us to be doormats, but choosing the battles — as any mom of a teenager knows — is key; “by letting go of control of the small things, you get to win the big ones.”
• When it comes to a man accepting who we are — Meredith Brooks’ declaration that a guy should “take me as I am; this may mean you’ll have to be a stronger man” isn’t always the right way. “Alter the perception of who you are.” We all tend to focus on our own needs, not always our guy’s needs. Hey, he has them too.

Ultimately, here’s the book’s take-home message:

“(I)f you were dating a good, solid, relationship-oriented man who suddenly disappeared, chances are not that he’s threatened; but that he’s looking for someone who makes him feel better about himself than you do.”

That’s hard to hear, but hear it we must. Guess guys like to feel “special,” too.

So, do you need to read “Why He Disappeared“?

If you can figure this stuff out on your own and stick to it without downing numerous pints of Ben & Jerry’s or Lemon Drops, and burning out your girlfriends as you “process” for the umpteenth time, probably not.

If you want to have a comforting “I know what you’re going through” voice to keep you true to yourself, then by all means, buy it.

Here’s the link to “Why He Disappeared“; the ebook, audio and video package is on sale through Sunday (with a one-year money-back guarantee, longer than many relationships!).

Just tell him you were sent by Kat …

… who probably should be writing, “Why She Disappeared.”

• Do you believe your partner should make you feel “special”?
• What does feeling “special” look like?

“So, what do you think of my date?” my friend Dan asked, sidling up to me as the stunning blonde went to the ladies room.

Sara and I had run into them when we’d popped into the new brewpub to get a beer after a long
sweaty hike this weekend. Dan waved us over, and I hung around when Sara had to leave to pick up her daughter.

“Well, she’s really pretty.”

“Yes, she is! But, what do you think of her?”

I didn’t quite get what he was getting at, so I went with the Wonder Bread assessment.

“She seems very nice.”

“C’mon Kat. Tell em what you really think.”

I’m always nervous when people ask me what I think of their love interest because being honest often doesn’t work out well. So, I fudged it.

“Dan, I think I should be asking you what you really think; you know her a lot better than I do, and besides, that’s all that matters, right?”

“True. Well, she’s not too with it, you know?”

“You mean she’s not too smart?”

“She’s smart, she’s just …”

And just like that, she was back at the table, all dimply and freshly lip-glossed.

We chatted some more, and I listened and watched a little more closely before I said my goodbyes.

Then I realized what she was “just” about.

She was just beautiful, but dull — there was no charm or wit to her, no curiosity.

Does that matter?

“It’s essential,” Dan said when we chatted on the phone later. “And that’s something women have forgotten.

“What do you mean?”

“Women nowadays act as if their degrees and ambition are aphrodisiacs, but they’re not.”

“Don’t guys want women who are smart?”      

“Smart’s not enough. They need to think like Cleopatra.”

“Uh, she killed herself with a snake. How smart is
that?”

“Go read about her.”

So I did. Evidently the Egyptian queen was quite the hottie in her day (although as people debate whether Angelina Jolie is the right person to portray her, Egyptologists insist she was actually “short, fat and plain”), but it really wasn’t her
beauty that captivated men or her age — although she was just 21 when she hooked up with the 52-year-old Caesar, and really, you can do no wrong at 21.

It was her wit, charm and, as Plutarch says,
the “sweetness in the tones of her voice” that made her a guy magnet.

Oh, dear; well, good luck, Valley girls …

Not to mention that she could “make herself agreeable to everyone,” as Cassius Dio says — which nowadays we’d probably have some silly self-help guru telling us to stop being such a “pleaser.”

But, is that what men want?

Dan says yes. Beauty and intelligence? Sure,
but if you can’t be playful and charming …

Guys may or may not want their intellectual equal, but they want someone who’s low-maintenance and makes him feel good, someone who’ll “make herself agreeable.”

Is being “agreeable” another word for doormat? Could be, if that’s how you feel about it. Can “agreeable” also mean manipulative? Maybe — I wouldn’t say Ms. Cleo had just her man’s best interests in mind. She had a few people offed, including her own sister, to keep her power.

But, haven’t you ever noticed that when you have a little “sweetness” in your voice that a guy will do pretty much anything for you?

Maybe to be treated like a princess we need to act like a queen!

• How important is charm and wit to you in a potential mate?
• Have women forgotten how to be “agreeable”?
• Is being “agreeable” giving up your power, or using your power?