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It’s not you, it’s me — except when it’s you

Posted on Tuesday, October 25, 2011 in Aging, dating, Divorce, Happiness, Honesty, Kat, Relationships, Self image, Singles

The phone rang ridiculously early on a Saturday morning. It was Sara. I looked over at Sean — snoring happily and oblivious to the drama that was most likely about to unfold — so I answered.

“Did you see that article in the Times?”

“What article?”

“The ‘Modern Love‘ article. She sounds like us.”

“I’ll get back to you,” I said as I hung up the phone and curled back up against Sean, who let out a muffled “Humph.”   

True to my word, I did read the article later that day. And although the author, Sara Eckel, is younger than Sara and me by a few, cough, decades, I totally get what she’s saying:

Being an unattached woman who would rather not be somehow meant you were a nitwit, a bubblehead who had few concerns beyond shopping, pedicures and “Will he call?” My friends and I had no interest in shopping or pedicures, but that didn’t stop us from feeling wildly embarrassed that we longed for love. … Like single women everywhere, I had bought into the idea that the problem must be me, that there was some essential flaw — arrogance, low self-esteem, fear of commitment — that needed to be fixed. I needed to be fixed.

Somehow, if you are a woman admitting that you’d rather not be single — whether you’ve never married or whether you are divorced and looking for love again — people assume there must be something wrong with you if you either make that a priority or if you can’t find someone.

As midlife divorcees, the stereotypes about Sara and me are a little different than those about Eckel and her generation (30-somethings), but they are no less maddening.

Divorcees (of any age) are bitter women who battle their exes and use their children as pawns and their child support payments to become plastic Barbies to keep their fading beauty from fading too quickly, and who got divorced because they knew they’d walk away with the house, the kids and a big, fat alimony check.  Or something like that. It isn’t true for many of us — certainly not Sara and me — but that doesn’t make things better. Perception is reality for too many people.

I hate the perceptions about divorced people — we’re failures, flawed, selfish, and self-absorbed people who don’t understand what commitment and “for better or worse” means, and put our own needs (aka happiness) before our children’s need, blah, blah, blah.

Those perceptions sting.

Like Eckel, we are wrestling with the belief that there’s something inherently wrong with us — we couldn’t make a marriage work, after all. How hard is that?!?! OK, granted — there are some divorced people who are bitter, who are oblivious to what commitment means, who have selfishly put their needs before their kids’. But, please don’t paint all of us with that broad paintbrush.

As for wanting love again at midlife, well, there’s the rub: Most of us assume we won’t find someone because of our wrinkles, sags and “issues.” And, yes — it is a little harder to find people at age 40 and beyond because the pool of eligible men is somewhat smaller and there’s a certain percentage of guys who want to skew younger. Fine — we’re not interested in those types! As Eckel says:

Did we find love because we grew up, got real and worked through our issues? No. We just found the right guys. We found men who love us even though we’re still cranky and neurotic, haven’t got our careers together, and sometimes talk too loudly, drink too much and swear at the television news. We have gray hairs and unfashionable clothes and bad attitudes. They love us, anyway.

Finding the “right guys” (or, in broader terms, the right person) is the take-home message.

Of course, nothing’s wrong with naming and addressing our issues head-on, and working through them as best we can. You can’t be available to fully embrace and love someone else if you can’t fully embrace and love yourself.

But, really, someone who loves us despite the crankiness, neuroses, gray hairs, bad clothes and other “endearing qualities” — isn’t that what we all want?

We just have to be prepared to do the same for someone else.

  • Ever feel that there was something wrong with you because you were seeking love?
  • Ever feel that something was wrong with you because you couldn’t find love?
  • Ever feel that something was wrong with you because you couldn’t hold on to love?
  • What stereotypes as a single or divorced person bother you the most?


Photo © Refocus Photography –

Bring on the comments

  1. Kat Wilder says:

    Are we #needy if we're #divorced and looking for #love?

  2. The Observer says:

    My take: I am flawed, my spouse is flawed. That means the “us” is flawed. We got to a point where the flaws won and we separated. But my belief that we can change was proven when we reunited (due to her additional disease flaw developing) and now we are about to celebrate our 36th anniversary (as a flawed couple).

    When we separated I felt a profound sense of failure. I felt I deserved to have a long and successful marriage and was in total disbelief. I had failed to recognize her dissatisfaction within marriage. But we CAN change. I’m still flawed, she is still flawed, but our marriage is less flawed since we started working together and the communication improved. Love can die in the absence of deep communication. We fixed that part. We both grew.

    I can appreciate how the role of a single, divorced woman can be so subject to societal stereotypes. At the core, a person needs to be happy with who they are and discount what other people say, or don’t express directly, about how they are perceived by others. Cheers! T.O.

  3. Kat Wilder says:

    TO — I think it’s unfortunate that we feel “failure” if a marriage or any relationship doesn’t continue. We often marry the wrong people or for the wrong reasons or both — why is it wrong to acknowledge that?

    Of course, single, married, divorced, we shouldn’t worry about what other people think. But as a society, we should be more conscious of our stereotypes and how damaging they are. Only then can we more forward.

  4. Edgar says:

    If someone has a sterotype that a person who is divorced is somehow flawed, I think it says a lot more about that someone than it does about the divorced object of their derision. While it’s certainly true that we are all flawed in some way, to categorize the 50%+ of our neighbors who are divorced as additionally and seriously flawed is rather parochial, myopic and just plain wrong – IMHO.

    Surely, Kat, you have had the experience of the women in your former circle of married friends subsequently viewing you with suspicion and even jealousy, merely because you got divorced. Going through a divorce certainly sorts out who your true friends are, if only because the charade associated with a “family unit” is stripped away and you find out who sees (and loves) you for who you truly are. I never understood the prejudice, myself – I have good friends who are married, divorced, never married and even hermits. And I love them all – including their flaws. And I’m pretty sure they love me, too.

  5. Kat Wilder says:

    Edgar — I think divorce makes us nervous about our own relationships. When couples who are seemingly happy to the rest of us split, we are rattled. I just think we all need to be a little kinder to each other.