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Aug 8

Dealing with the ex for better or worse

Posted on Monday, August 8, 2011 in dating, Divorce, Happiness, Honesty, Parenting, Relationships, single dads, single moms

“You won’t believe who I ran into the other day,” Sara said as we stood in line to board the ferry to the Giants game.

“I hope someone worth running into, like Lincecum or whatever actor’s filming somewhere around here.”

“No, someone much more interesting — Todd’s ex.”

Todd’s the OkCupid guy Sara’s still sweet on and vice versa.

“Oooh, what’s she like?”

“Nothing like I thought she’d be like, which, of course, is all based on what Todd told me about her. She’s not at all psycho. She actually seemed like she could kick back a cosmo or two with us, you know? I like her.” 

There are a few weird experiences when you’re divorced — meeting your ex’s new love, having your new love meet your kids, meeting your new love’s kids, and meeting your new love’s ex.

I always listen to a guy talk about his ex with a grain of salt — there’s his version of the truth, her version and then “the truth,” which is likely some mash-up of his truth and hers.

Of course, some exes truly are total nightmares and they can ruin a budding love affair, as Sara discovered when she fell in love with Jeff many months ago but ended it because she couldn’t imagine a future with Jeff and his psycho ex. What happens, though, if you kind of like his ex and he still feels negatively toward her; can you be a positive thing in their relationship — especially if kids are involved.

And at what point do you ask to meet the new love — if you even should ask, that is. If you know your ex has a serious squeeze, one who’s spending time with your kids and developing a relationship with them, do you have a right to ask to meet her? Do you hang around places you know you might accidentally on purpose bump into her, or do you just let it go? And, do you make sure your ex meets you new sweetie?

None of these are questions we even think off when we’re divorcing — there are bigger issues then, right? Funny, but then they start to play a role in our new life, and now we’re forced to think about them whether we want to or not.

I’m not saying it’s better to stay married, but it sure can be less complicated!

  • What has been your experience with either past or present exes?
  • What has been your new love’s — past or present — of your ex?
  • Do you believe you should meet your ex’s new love if it looks serious and you have kids?


Photos © Angelika Bentin –


Aug 1

Ready for an erotic vacation?

Posted on Monday, August 1, 2011 in Happiness, hookups, Relationships, Sex/sexuality, Singles

“I have the perfect vacation for us!” Sara said as she burst into my front door before we took a (cold!) ride over Mount Tam.

“Oh really? The last ‘perfect’ vacation you had for us I was left alone for pretty much the whole weekend while you had crazy sex all over Austin with that hottie you met the night we arrived. Remember?”

“Oh, Kat — he was so cute, and you know I was desperate for sex back then. It had been, like, months!”


“OK, OK. This won’t be like that, I promise.”

“So, what do you have in mind?”

“Hedonism II.”

“The erotic resort? You’re kidding me!”

“No, it will be awesome. People interested in sensual things. All sorts of sexy activities. Decadence and debauchery. Naked people — think!”

I was thinking. And my thought was, no way! I’m hardly a prude but it’s just that erotic destination getaways seem so, I don’t know — calculated. Showing up at a music club in Austin, spontaneously meeting someone cute and having fantastic sex for the weekend seems so much better. If you can swing it, that is.

But maybe you can’t. Maybe Sara was just lucky that time. Maybe it isn’t all that easy to meet someone for fun (unless you’re going to go on Craiglist’s “casual encounters” once you get to town). Maybe it’s better to vacation at a place that’s custom-made to find you a lover — or at least the potential for one — for a few days if that’s where your head is at. (Although I have to imagine that there have to be some less-than-satisfied customers at exotic hot spots; since you’re still you wherever you go, if you have a hard time attracting people in your everyday life, you may not have much luck at an adults-only resort, either!)

Back in the ’80s, Club Med was the “it” place if you were a swinging single. Since the late ’90s, it’s become into a family destination. Makes sense; if you were a swinging single back in the ’80s, you most likely have been towing a few kids by now. Of course, that’s exactly when you may need an erotic vacation!

I can’t say adults-only resorts are good or bad because I’ve never been. And, I’m never going to go; I can’t see Sean and me packing up for four-days-three-nights at some place where the pressure is on to be romantic. What if we just want to sleep?

A former boyfriend once booked us a room at a hotel with a round bed and mirrors on the ceiling — I burst out laughing when we walked in the room. (You’ll notice I said “former” boyfriend …)

But, if you’re single and looking to score — or at least have some sensual fun — is an adults-only resort a good idea?

  • Would you ever go to an adults-only resort?
  • Why or why not?
  • Have you ever been to an adults-only resort?
  • As a single or a couple?
  • And … ????

Photo © Nathalie P –