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Is it really that bad to have sex on the first date?

Posted on Monday, August 15, 2011 in dating, Kat, Men, Relationships, Sex/sexuality, Singles, Women

When I saw that my friend Dan had changed his Facebook status to “in a relationship,” I just had to give him a call. But first, I clicked on the profile of the gal he was in a relationship with. Much to my surprise, she looked nothing like I would expect him to be with, based on his former girlfriends. She’s pretty, but in a sweet girl-next-door way.

What had happened to the Dan who always fell for babes who looked like they made their living swinging naked on a pole at the local strip club?

So I called him, and yesterday we meet over some beers.

“Should I be worried about you?” I asked.

“Why? Do I look sick?”

“No. Actually, you look happy.”

“I am happy. I’m in love.”

“But she’d not your type!”     

“Who? Kat, did you …”

So of course I fessed up on my snooping.

“Katy is absolutely my type! She’s sweet and smart and a total babe. You had me pegged all wrong.”

“I had you pegged by what you usually dated — they may have been smart and maybe even sweet but they were way beyond ‘total babes’ — they were, you know, skanky.”

“Well, just like women are drawn to bad boys, we guys are drawn to sluts. We can’t help it. But, no guy wants to to be boyfriend to that. We just want to …”

“Have sex with them.”


“So a girl who gives it up on the first date?”

“Uh, probably not the bring-home-to-the parents type. But you know that.”

“But, women don’t trash a guy because he wants to have sex on the first date. We expect a guy’s going to at least try!”

“Guys aren’t woman and women aren’t guys. Thankfully.”

“So, then why do women give it up so easily and dress so trashy?”

“Kat, I think you would know that better than I.”

And he was right, I guess.

Women like to dress provocatively; I know I do. It gets attention from guys, and I like to play up my femininity. But as I age I know there’s a line between looking sexy and looking trashy; older women who try too hard to look young cross that line in a tragic way. You can get away with some trashiness when you’re 20-something, but you actually don’t have to do too much to look sexy at that age; I wish more young women understood that!

But when it comes to sex, I know why some women give it up easily — they just want to have some fun, just like guys do. I’m not going to say it’s empowering — God, I’m really beginning to hate that word! It’s just that some women don’t have any hangups about casual sex. But a whole lot more women do, and they have sex freely and easily because they’re hoping it will lead to a something, probably a relationship. Sometimes it does but not necessarily with someone we want to be with for the long haul. Even if we don’t put out on the first date, Date 3 comes along and …

But, if guys don’t particularly want to have relationships with women who dress like they’re working the street corner and who give it up too soon (and I’m not 100 percent convinced I know when “too soon” is), then why do so many women go the skanky route? If guys like the chase then shouldn’t more women who are interested in having a relationship hold out from having sex with a guy for as long as they can — or at least until they recognize the guy’s not in it just to score?

Of course, if a guy dumps a woman after sleeping with her on the first date, he probably wasn’t too serious about wanting a relationship in the first place. It shouldn’t be a deal-breaker, or should it?

  • Guys, what do you think of women who have sex on the first date?
  • Do you always try to score on Date No. 1?
  • Are skanky women lookers and not keepers?
  • Gals, do you have sex on the first date? Why or why not?
  • Do you dump a guy who tries? Do you have more respect for a guy who doesn’t try?



 Photo © dimis –

Bring on the comments

  1. jim
    Twitter: mobilene

    The more I read your blog, the more I feel like an old prude. Sorry, no first-date sex for me. It puts the blinders on and keeps me from seeing the real person inside.

  2. Kat Wilder says:

    Jim — you’re not a prude. We’re all different (thank goodness!). It’s good to be clear for ourselves about why we do — or don’t do — what others do (without judgment, of course!)

  3. Scott says:

    I think it all just depends on the chemistry. ( I can’t believe that I just said that word) I’m recently divorced and just getting back out there.

    I had a first date with a women who didn’t want a second date because I didn’t kiss her on the first.

    The next woman I met we didn’t kiss on the first date either. The second date we had sex and it was fantastic.

    I didn’t try to “score” with either woman. It just worked out that way with the second. I don’t think any less of her and I’m looking forward to seeing her again, sex or not.

  4. Kat Wilder says:

    Should you have #sex on the first #date?

  5. ChopperPapa
    Twitter: chopperpapa

    Here’s what guys know, the girl who has sex with him on the first date will have it with anybody else. If a guy is in a serious relationship with a woman, he me know she has slept with other men, he just doesn’t want to know about it. By her ‘holding out’ it sends the message that he is special in some way.

    As far as the supposed double standard, that is only because women control the sexual part of the relationship, especially so early on.

  6. A dude says:

    I disagree with ChopperPapa- that a woman would on a first date with a certain guy doesn’t necessarily mean she’d do it with anyone- to me that’s chauvenist thinking. If the chemistry’s good and there’s no drunken skankiness involved etc. I know many LTRs began that way. But I suppose if a woman is trying to impress a guy who thinks that way, she’d be better off not doing it because some guys apparently think that way. I guess it depends on whether you’re a “rules girl” or a guy who is into that.

  7. brian says:

    i guess its about how important sex is to you
    you have to be true to yourself
    and you better be compatible in something that important
    i think its great to get the first sex thing out of the way
    then decide
    if the sex is good a man will want more
    and more often leads to more than just sex
    i’m in my 60’s and i want to have sex everyday
    so how would a long term relationship work with a gal who didn’t feel the same way or sees sex as something to barter for a marriage, a home and kids
    seen a lot of the later in my years
    unfortunately the nice guy doesn’t get any while the slut gives it away on the side to the bad boy or fast laner then blames society for having to lead two lives

    most guys would be happy with a slut as long as he knew their was no dishonesty
    open relationship?
    honesty goes a long way

    i’m convinced tiger woods game fell apart because he doesn’t get the variety and kink in his life that he use to and he can’t because he is living in a bubble

    he is wired that way
    and his ex wife as lovely as she is was not
    the result eventually blew up as the disaster that it is that continues

  8. Kat Wilder says:

    Scott — Wow, no second date because you didn’t kiss? Some women … Glad No. 2 worked out; see, it was meant to be (well, maybe).

    ChopperPapa — “Here’s what guys know, the girl who has sex with him on the first date will have it with anybody else.” But, what if that’s not so? I only have had sex on the first date, like, three times (and I’ve had many, many dates). I’m not sure there are such hard and fast rules (or, am I mistaken?)

    Dude — I think “drunken skankiness” has to factor into things! 😉

  9. Kat Wilder says:

    Brian — “i think its great to get the first sex thing out of the way then decide.”
    But of course sex — especially good sex — makes us make bad decisions sometimes. Otherwise a lot of guys who got hooked on the sex, married her and barely got any since would have a different story to tell (and for fairness sake, vice versa). It’s good to find someone you really like and respect and with whom you have great sex. Then, take it from there.