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Jul 25

Can friends with benefits work?

Posted on Monday, July 25, 2011 in dating, Divorce, Happiness, Honesty, hookups, Kat, Relationships, Sex/sexuality

Mia, Sara and I walked out of “Friends With Benefits” and headed straight to the nearest bar. A movie like that will do that to a gal.

Not that there was anything earth-shattering in the movie with Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis; it’s just that the concept — can you have casual sex with someone you know and like as a friend? — is one that most women like to dissect.

“I’ll have a cosmo,” Mia said to the bartender as we sidled up to the bar.

“Same,” Sara said.

“Grey Goose. Rocks. Twist,” I said.       

“You always have  to be different,” Sara huffed.

“Not always.”

“Well, even your FWB — why did it work for you and not us?” Sara said, taking a long sip of her cosmo.

Honestly, I don’t know. But, first let me back up.

When we each got divorced, Sara, Mia and I were, like most newly divorced people — total messes. We’d each lost about 10 pounds — that wasn’t so bad, actually — from lack of sleep and food; we cried a lot; we couldn’t concentrate; we looked like crap. But we tried our best to keep it together for our kids and jobs.

Then at some point things started to normalize and something weird happened — we started feeling better about ourselves and less uncertain each day, and men started to notice us. And that was a good thing because by that time, we were months into the split and horny! But dating seemed daunting and besides, we really weren’t ready for that; who is right after a split?

And so we each found a way to have casual sex without picking up random guys in bars for one-nighters (although Sara did that, too); we looked at the men we already knew and had some sort of a relationship with. That’s how each of found ourselves in bed with a “friend.”

Why do I think mine worked well? I think because I know myself well enough to know that I can separate sex from emotions (although, I genuinely like him). Our life situations were very different so a relationship couldn’t work even if we wanted. And, it only lasted a few months. I guess that’s why my FWB parted without drama and, yes, we’re still friends (although we’re thousand of miles apart at this point).

Can a friends with benefits relationship work? A FWB  arrangement is a delicate thing; I’m not sure most of us can do it well — if at all. Someone always seems to want more and someone always seems to get hurt. That’s not what FWBs are supposed to be about.

Of course, they’re not supposed to end like Timberlake and Kunis do, either (spoiler) — they actually do fall in love. Hmm, but it they really didn’t want a relationship, why is that considered a good thing?

  • Can friends with benefits work?
  • Have you had one (or more)?




Photo © Ramon Cami –


Jul 18

Is a threesome one person too many?

Posted on Monday, July 18, 2011 in Happiness, Honesty, Kat, Relationships, Sex/sexuality

It was pure coincidence that Sean and I ran into Sara and Todd, her OKcupid date, in line to for the movies. After, we went out for drinks and we got to know him better.

I liked him. He, evidently, liked me, too.

“So, Todd thinks you’re pretty hot,” Sara told me on the phone yesterday.

“He’s cute, Sara. Don’t mess this one up!”

“Ha! Believe me; I’m trying not to! He said he thought it would pretty cool having a threesome with you.”

“A threesome? That’s funny — doesn’t he know I’ve already seen you naked?”

“Whatever, but I’m serious. I mean, I think he’s serious.” 

“Really? Now that would be weird. I don’t think I could ever look at you the same way again, Sara. Plus there’s the matter of Sean.”

“He could watch.”

“True. But …”

“Don’t worry — I don’t want to sleep with you, either. If any third person’s hopping into my bed, it will be someone who looks like Johnny Depp and has the stamina of Tiger Woods.”

I’d have to agree.

Most guys love the idea of a threesome. If one hot, naked babe in your bed sounds good, doesn’t two hot, naked babes sound even better? About every guy I’ve ever know has either mentioned a threesome as a fantasy or has done it, sometimes more than once.

Obviously some women are into threesomes, too, although I have no idea how many prefer two babes and a guy or two guys and their naked self. Not that I have any problem with women’s bodies — I think they can be beautiful (as long as they’re not Botoxed and fake boobed, or fat). I’d just rather have another man and his package attending to my, uh, needs.

But for every happy threesome I’ve heard about, there’s been at least one unhappy one — the guy was more into babe No. 2,  neither gal was into each other, both gals were too into each other, etc. — and a relationship that thought it was hedonistically open-minded became a very frail version of itself.

Which begs the question — is a ménage-a-trois better as a fantasy than as a reality? Is it worth the risk?

I think it’s nice to know that having a threesome an option, same like like retiring early, traveling around the world for a year and then settling in Tahiti.

What about you?


Photo © Lourdes Tamés –

Jul 11

What’s so sexy about a baby bump?

Posted on Monday, July 11, 2011 in Honesty, Kat, Men, Relationships, Self image, Women

I was at a party a few weeks after I’d given birth to The Kid, happy not to be slave to the stretchy, flowing maternity clothes I had worn for months but not quite ready to fit back into my babe outfits, either. I settled for something that didn’t scream “Maternity!!!!!” but, still, not up to my usual standards. I was in that post-pregnancy physical gray zone that, unless I was actually holding the baby, could be misconstrued to be, “Wow — she looks like she’ll be popping out a baby any day now.”

It isn’t a happy zone.

So when someone at the party asked me when I was due, I was flustered (and then somewhat depressed) — “I gave birth almost three weeks ago!” I mumbled — but nowhere near as flustered as the person who asked. No one wants to get that pregnancy vs. fat thing wrong.   

David Beckham noted how “amazing” wife Victoria looked — then nine months pregnant with their fourth child (she gave birth to a girl yesterday) — recently on his Facebook page. That is a pretty hot photo, but then again we all don’t all have a bod like Victoria’s.

But, is a baby bump all that sexy?

When women come upon a bulging belly, we love to ask all sorts of questions  — Is it your first? Do you know the sex? — and then want to share their horror stories of delivery, nipple attachment, whatever. But we generally don’t think a pregnant woman is all that hot; we just commiserate. I don’t even know if guys pay much attention, assuming it’s not their own partner, that is.

I think the sexiest thing about being pregnant is what Beckham said — that his wife looks “amazing.” The daddy-to-be loving how mom-to-be looks? Now that’s hot!

  • Are pregnant women sexy?
  • If you’re a woman, did being pregnant make you feel feminine or just fat?
  • If you’re a guy, did you like the way your partner looked when she was pregnant?