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Have you lost interest in sex?

Posted on Monday, May 30, 2011 in Aging, Happiness, masturbation, Men, Relationships, Sex/sexuality, Singles, Women

Sara looked annoyed when we met early for a hike yesterday morning.

“What’s with you Ms. Sour Pus? I believe I’m the one who got out of bed that had a lovely naked man in it so we can hike.”

“The month’s almost over …”

“I know! Where does the time go? It’s, like, almost summer.”

“… and I barely hit my quota.”

“Quota? At work? What are you talking about, girlfriend?”

“May is masturbation month.”

“I know that, but I didn’t realize we had to jack off a certain amount before the month ends.”

“You don’t; I do.”

“You’re not making sense.”

“I made a promise to myself that I’d masturbate at least four times a week this month because, well, because I just haven’t been feeling it lately.”

“Uh, what exactly aren’t you feeling?”

“Sexual. I’m just not that interested in sex anymore, and it’s freaking me out.”

Yeah, I’d be freaked out, too! No interest in sex, especially if you’re not married — not that being married should make you less horny but familiarity after 10, 15, 20 years does tend to put a damper on things. But for a single woman — an actively dating single woman — to lose her sex drive? What’s that about?

I’m sure men lose their sex drive, too, from time to time, although there appears to be a rash of men who are masturbating too much (which in a way could be good because it takes the pressure off of all those women like Sara who might need some sexual readjustment time). Still, a lot of women lose interest in sex for good around menopause, in part because our hormones change and it’s like fighting biology.

Of course feeling sexual isn’t just about wanting to have sex — it’s fantasizing and thinking sexually even if you don’t intend to act on it. And, for women, desire is so intertwined with intimacy — something single people don’t always have.

But to totally lose interest in sex — the best free entertainment/stress-reliever/intimacy-builder around — is scary!

  • Have you ever lost your sex drive?
  • How’d you get your sexual mojo back?
  • Or, have you given up on sex?

Photo © painless –

Bring on the comments

  1. CountryRox says:

    Have I ever lost my sex drive? Yes…the last 5 years I was married.

    How’d I get my sexual mojo back? I filed for divorce.

    Have I given up on sex? No way! Life begins at 40 baby! Ok…48! 🙂

  2. Janet says:

    Fair enough that Sara feels how she does- not uncommon for gals of our vintage. But hey, just because May is masturbation month doesn’t mean she HAS to reach orgasm four times a week, does it? To get away from b/w thinking of masturbation/sex being the key source of sensual pleasure, what about a lengthy massage? Or whatever alternative to sex helps her feel grounded in body, which could lead to masturbation/ sex. Just thinking….

  3. KC says:

    I’ll bite…..
    Yes, I have lost my sex drive before… recently actually… I love my girlfriend. She loves me. Her period has gone away, she’s freaking out that she is going through menopause… she’s gained 30+ pounds and is working on losing it but it’s not coming off as fast as it went on. People say that “if you love someone, it shouldn’t matter what they look like” I DISAGREE… she didn’t look like she does now, when I met her. She’s a great girl. She does so much for me and we have a great time together. She’s VERY pretty but now she’s very pretty and 30 lbs heavier. More to love??? I want Let to love… MORE… so, I’ve been fighting within myself, trying to see why I’m feeling like I am. I don’t want to run, she’s a keeper, I just want her to CARE about herself enough to see what is going on and to do something about it. And, yes, I’ve talked to her about it so she’s aware of how I’m feeling…
    So, instead of racing to bed each night to jump her bones…. I play with my hobbies and keep myself busy in other ways… and yes, I “flog the dolphin” whenever I need to…

    Be well Kat

  4. The Observer says:

    I lost my spouse’s sex drive…she didn’t look for it, I did. Now we’re finding it again…slow process post 60, post menopause, post a whole slew o’stuff. For the lady “listeners” to Radio Kat, I’d advise dialing in to the broad casts at the site for by those awesome broads. Us menfolk can learn a thing or two there, too. Sex is such an awesome gift that it’d be a shame to lose it. I have learned in my travels along the intimacy highway that women can often get lost– but thrive when they’re found again. Sometimes they need a better compass. My spouse says that she lost her desire for sex after the honeymoon years –she needed stimulation first, then her desire sparked back up…in other words, stimulation proceeds desire–unlike with men who get the desire and then look to hook up with some stimulation. Lowering Hormones, anti-depressants, stress, self-image, all have a huge effect on women’s feelings toward sex and intimacy (and certainly men experience these, as well). But your example, Sara, might go have her blood-work done to see if her testosterone has reached less than “desirable” levels. I salute her for her dedication to self-service sex and don’t find fault in her missing some deadlines. When’s the last time she went out dancing with the girls and let her hair down? Sounds like she’s overdue for some partnered sex to enliven her outlook. Go get’m, Sara. T.O.

  5. I share Sara’s loss. As we age, those of us without ongoing sexual partners, have fewer sexual opportunities. It is not that we don’t want them because we do–at least on some level. When we look in the mirror, the reflection reminds us more of our grandparents than the youthful, vigorous person we once were. Many of us have not changed our standards of beauty from where we started. I often wonder whether it is worth the effort and risk of rejection, just to have sex with someone my age.

    However, sex is more than physical and sensual release. It affords us the opportunity for intimacy and acceptance. We may no longer be sexual athletes or paragons of desirability, but we can share intimate moments and gain a sense that our existence is valued by others. Still, it takes an adjustment. Youth and promise is very sexy. We are not trained to look beyond that to value other desirable factors. There is probably nothing sexier that someone slipping away from their bed to visit their friend in the other wing of a nursing home for a stolen moment of intimacy.

    As for the practice of masturbation, it is pleasurable and serves to keep the pipes flowing. Use it or lose it, after all.

  6. When Masturbation Month is a mockery: the agony of diminished libido #sexuality #sexualhealth @katwilder

  7. KC says:

    T. O.

    Words well “spoken”
    When women masturbate… it seems to make them want a little “other” action as well.

    Happy Rainy day!

  8. A dude says:

    4 times a week seems like alot- I mean, not “too much” if you are enjoying it (no judgment, profilgate ones ;-)) but to feel like you are not up to snuff because you don’t want to 4 times a week is not justified (has she been watching too many Sex in the City reruns?). The important question to me would be- if she has a partner, is she interested enough to have sex at least a few times a month if the partner wants that? Beyond that, who cares if you have lost interest in masturbation- a diminisished interest in that with age is well in the range of “normal,” no?

    And I have never heard “jacking off” referred to for women (“jacking in” I could see . . .)

  9. Kat Wilder says:

    CountryRox — Amen!!

    Janet — You are right; anything that involves touch can bring pleasure almost … almost … as exciting as an orgasm.

    KC — that’s a tough situation, for her and you. And, the trying to lose weight and then not adds to frustration and thus spirals the emotional/sexual divide. Hope it works out, because weight can come and go. A “great gal” doesn’t come around all that often.

    TO — Cool that you and your wife and finding the ol’ mojo. Aging does complicate things, but since after a certain age it won’t even be a possibility, I’d hop to ASAP!

    Know the feeling — I often wonder whether it is worth the effort and risk of rejection, just to have sex with someone my age. Yes, it is! Rejection and risk — what’s life without that? Boring! You can’t have the good stuff without the downsides sometimes. As long as you don’t take it as a reflection of you. Not everyone is going to want to jump our bones, but we don’t want to, either!

    Dude — I think she probably has been watching too much SATC! No partner right now, and that’s the problem. Hard to have intimacy without one (BFFs can only do so much …) Female jacking off? True, jack in seems more appropriate 😉