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May 30

Have you lost interest in sex?

Posted on Monday, May 30, 2011 in Aging, Happiness, masturbation, Men, Relationships, Sex/sexuality, Singles, Women

Sara looked annoyed when we met early for a hike yesterday morning.

“What’s with you Ms. Sour Pus? I believe I’m the one who got out of bed that had a lovely naked man in it so we can hike.”

“The month’s almost over …”

“I know! Where does the time go? It’s, like, almost summer.”

“… and I barely hit my quota.”

“Quota? At work? What are you talking about, girlfriend?”

“May is masturbation month.”

“I know that, but I didn’t realize we had to jack off a certain amount before the month ends.”

“You don’t; I do.”

“You’re not making sense.”

“I made a promise to myself that I’d masturbate at least four times a week this month because, well, because I just haven’t been feeling it lately.”

“Uh, what exactly aren’t you feeling?”

“Sexual. I’m just not that interested in sex anymore, and it’s freaking me out.”

Yeah, I’d be freaked out, too! No interest in sex, especially if you’re not married — not that being married should make you less horny but familiarity after 10, 15, 20 years does tend to put a damper on things. But for a single woman — an actively dating single woman — to lose her sex drive? What’s that about?

I’m sure men lose their sex drive, too, from time to time, although there appears to be a rash of men who are masturbating too much (which in a way could be good because it takes the pressure off of all those women like Sara who might need some sexual readjustment time). Still, a lot of women lose interest in sex for good around menopause, in part because our hormones change and it’s like fighting biology.

Of course feeling sexual isn’t just about wanting to have sex — it’s fantasizing and thinking sexually even if you don’t intend to act on it. And, for women, desire is so intertwined with intimacy — something single people don’t always have.

But to totally lose interest in sex — the best free entertainment/stress-reliever/intimacy-builder around — is scary!

  • Have you ever lost your sex drive?
  • How’d you get your sexual mojo back?
  • Or, have you given up on sex?

Photo © painless –

May 23

Why you might want to date someone your age

Posted on Monday, May 23, 2011 in Aging, dating, Happiness, Honesty, Relationships, Self image

My friend Patty, a 61-year-old divorcee, has a dilemma — a younger person is lusting after her. Younger meaning 52. OK, it’s a dilemma many of us middle-aged divorcees might kill for, but she’s concerned. And so she’s said, “No!”

What’s wrong with this scene? Right – nothing! Well, nothing as far as you and I and maybe hundreds (thousands? millions?) of others can see; what can possibly be wrong with a 52-year-old wanting to be in a relationship — yes, it’s not just about casual sex — with a woman nine years older? 

Patty’s not a cougar; in fact, she’s not the one pursuing (although people throw the “C” word around quite casually nowadays. All you have to do to be called a cougar is be 35-plus and single; not fair!). She really does want to date in her age group, give r take five years either way.

Plus nine years at midlife isn’t such a big deal.

Or is it? As she says:

“I don’t want to date someone younger because when I’m all wrinkled and sagging, I’ll be dumped and then where will I be? I’ll be older and less attractive, and it will be too late for me to find someone new.”

She may have a point. As I get older and the wrinkles and sags make their presence known, I know all too well how the slide from “She’s hot” to “She’s not” sucks. But, that’s if you’re still single and in the dating world, when just getting a guy to notice you is harder, let alone having him want to actually talk to you and discover your irresistible charm and wit, and then want to see you naked and do lovely nasty things to you.

If you’re in a committed relationship with someone, wrinkles and sags shouldn’t even matter anymore — because your partner’s probably right there with you!

Unless, of course, your partner’s nine years younger. Then you have a huge jump on the aging thing.

I wouldn’t want to be with someone who’d start looking at me differently — or start looking at other, younger, women, differently! — as I started to wrinkle and sag. If you’re doing to be in a relationship with someone much older, wrinkles and sags are to be expected!

But, maybe that’s something to consider before you get into a relationship with someone older. You can be picky about who you’re with, but if you start to lose interest in someone older than you because he or she is aging, that does make you seem shallow.

So is Patty smart to reject her young suitor (who’s a woman, by the way)? Or is she denying herself the potential of a loving partner?



May 16

Would you take your ex back?

Posted on Monday, May 16, 2011 in Divorce, Happiness, Kat, Relationships

There was an emergency gals conclave last weekend; Rex had been calling and texting Mia, sending her flowers and all-round courting her. He clearly wants her back, and she was flattered — and confused — by his sudden attention. So Mia, Sara and I gathered at Sam’s to share some thoughts (and some fried calamari and Bloody Marys, too — thinking makes you hungry).

“Do you want to take him back?” I asked.

“I don’t know. Not if he hasn’t changed.”

“People don’t change,” Sara said. “Especially at midlife.”

“That’s not true; look at how we’ve changed since our divorces,” I observed as Mia nodded approvingly.  

“We’ve done a lot of work on ourselves,” Mia added.

“Right, and now we’re smart enough to know that we don’t go back to our exes. He had his chance, he blew it, goodbye.”

“Marie Osmond did,” Mia sniffed. “She just remarried her first husband.”

“I’m sure Marie is a very nice person; she’s just not too smart,” Sara snarked.

Unless she’s smarter than many of us.

Sometimes couples split up for no-brainer reasons — abuse, addictions and infidelity top the list. Hard to want to go back to that. Others split up for vaguer reasons — they stopped being “happy,” there were power struggles, they “grew apart.”

While that may tear away at a relationship, if you still genuinely like the person — if there’s a there there — shouldn’t you at least try to get back together? Or are you just asking for trouble?

Mia, Sara and I really did change after our divorces. We went through our journeys of self-discovery and self-awareness and now understand the patterns and bad behaviors we brought to the marital table. What if your ex does that too? Could it work again, or would you start to bring out the worst in each other?

There’s no way to know unless you try, and few of us do.

The funny thing is, we’re kind of drawn to the same kind of people anyway. The bad boy, the high-achiever, the comedian, the jock — same personality types, just with different names. That’s what keeps all those relationship “experts” in business — we tend to keep falling for the same types over and over again.

So even if we don’t get back together with an ex, we may end up with someone just like him or her! Unless, of course, you really did work on yourself and changed.

All that said, I couldn’t see myself reuniting with Rob — we get along fine and co-parent well, but so much damage was done that once I made the decision to leave (and it took a looong time) I knew it was the right thing to do and I’ve never looked back.

What about you?

  • Would you get back with an ex? Why/why not?
  • Have you ever gotten back with an ex? How did it work out?

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