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Would you marry a sex worker?

Posted on Monday, March 28, 2011 in dating, Happiness, Honesty, Kat, Men, Relationships, Sex/sexuality, Singles, Women

“Do you believe in unconditional love?” Sara asked me as we sat in her hot tub the other night, a welcome respite in between the storms.

“Sure, for my kid.”

“But, what about for Sean, or Rob? Can you have unconditional love for your partner?”

“You should have it, right?”

“Should isn’t can.”

I could tell Sara had an agenda. “OK, what brought this up?”

“Remember I was telling you about that gal Candy I know?”

“Yeah, the waitress.”

“Well, yeah. sort of. Candy works as a waitress but she makes her living stripping. She heads to Vegas about every six weeks, does a weekend of pole and lap dancing and heads home with a wad of cash.”

“No way!”

“Yes, way. And your reaction is exactly the problems — it’s creating all sorts of issues in her love life.”

Well, gee, I wonder why?

She has no trouble meeting men and having sex with them, but it pretty much stops there.

Many men love looking at strippers, escorts and porn stars, and many might want to screw them like crazy. But how many guys (and to be fair, women) want to bring them home to meet the folks and live happily-ever-after with them — especially if they continue to strip? (let’s forget about Jesse James for now).

Wasn’t it Charlie Sheen who said, “I don’t pay hookers for sex; I pay them to leave”?

I’m sure there are many happily partnered people in the sex business. I have a feeling they don’t ask, “How was work today, honey?” But like in “Pretty Woman” (which I hated, BTW), the fantasy is that the hooker becomes a respectable lady when her “prince” rescues her. It isn’t that she continues to turn tricks at the Motel NoTell.

I know it’s usually women who marry hoping men will change, but in this case, I’d imagine most guys would want the little lady to stop parading around naked or having sex with other men for money.

But maybe not. Maybe that’s where unconditional love comes in — can you accept someone for who and what he/she is and does?

Including bumping uglies with other people for pay?

  • Would you date/marry a stripper, hooker or porn star?
  • Would you ask him/her to stop?
  • Why wouldn’t you date/marry a stripper, hooker or porn star?

Photo © Tomasz Wojnarowicz –



Bring on the comments

  1. Brian says:


    One word, guys- DON’T. Why not? Among other reasons, many sex workers are the victims of sexual abuse when they were youunger. Therefore, sex is a bit different for them than it is for you. For many of them, it’s about power and control that they didn’t have then, so they’re looking for it now. This will bleed over into your life together. Also, many of them are borderline personality. You think women are crazy now? Brother, you have no idea- unless you’ve already been there, of course. I could tell you some stories, but discretion is the better part of valor. Just say “no!” to marrying a sex worker, unless they’ve verifiably given it up for good. Even then, you’d need to get into seeing a therapist together and offer your support to her, but also air your concerns that she might pick back up behind your back. Trust me. Because, with current or former sex workers, trust is a HUGE issue for her. She might think that you’re having an affair when you’re not, for example. So, she’ll make you pay for something you didn’t do- 10x what most women will do. Oh, speaking of paying, now us guys know that there’s no such thing as free sex- you always pay in one form or another. However, some methods of payment are more conventional than others. However, with most sex workers, they were indoctrinated via their abuse that sex is either a power thing or a money thing. Daddy gives them a treat as guilt for the abuse, then rapes them, back and forth, repeatedly. She doesn’t know which way is up, she’s so hurt and confused. It’s very sad- but, you probably can’t save her. She’s got to want to save herself. You can certainly help, and offer love and support, but she’s got to want to help herself, and thing that she’s drserving of that help. After she grows up, she’s determined that men will pay, one way or another, because that’s all she knows. All men are pigs to her, and she’s just looking to reinforce that view, usally, despite all of the professions of love, and this time it’s different. She’s never had a really loving relationship. In summary- it’s so complicated, that you just probably don’t want to go there. Possible outcomes- Violent arguments. Fighting all of the time. Her getting mad, and wrapping your car around a telephone pole. If you have a child together- God help you. Had enough of the madness, and now you’re trying to get custody of your child(ren)? There goes $100k or more, flying right out of your pocket, with no guarantees you’ll get custody, even keep your 401(k) and the rest of your assets, if you air all of the dirty laundry. So- don’t think with your schwantzes, gentlemen. Be careful! 🙂
    From one who has been there and done that, and had a lot of money to spend on a damn good attorney, and also had a good judge. But, if you’re really curious- get a airtight pre-nup, keep one eye open at night, don’t cheat on her (I didn’t- but if she even susoects- you’d better wear a steel chastity belt, to keep her from castrating you), keep your money separate, etc., etc. Consult an attorney before you get married (sober, hopefully). Caveat emptor, men.

  2. BloggyDaddy says:

    Heck no, I wouldn’t marry one. Even if she were completely faithful, I would hate the idea of other men consistently seeing or doing things with my wife or girlfriend, it’s just inconceivable to me. I think it would be darn near next to impossible to filter those thoughts out of my head. I just couldn’t do it.

  3. Mike says:

    The answer would be no. That would be a whole can of worms to open. Most people in the sex trade have many emotional problems. While it allows them to do their work just fine it doesn’t transfer to a real relationship which is rough for the “average” person.

  4. Chopper Papa
    Twitter: chopperpapa

    One thing to remember, is that sex workers, including strippers, are usually emotional train wrecks. You don’t get into that business and not have some serious issues in the cranium. And like Brian commented it isn’t usually their fault. I have dated a fair share of strippers and one porn star in my life. In every case they were emotionally retarded and in the majority of the cases it had to do with their upbringing.

    As far as your comment about happily partnered couples in the sex business, I would surmise that looking in on their relationship would reveal some distinctly non-traditional behaviors going on.

    Good topic!

  5. Steve says:

    @Brian. Interesting post.

    I wonder how your thoughts fit in with what I hear feminists say that sex work is all about better economic opportunities just not being there for women.

    Your post seems to be saying, that at least for some women, it is a choice and attachment beyond just money.

  6. A dude says:

    Probably not, but not categorically no. The circumstances under which it might happen are catestrophically small though I think.

  7. A dude says:

    Otoh, looking at the picture with this thread I didn’t know you considered Uma Thurman a sex worker (because she has sex scenes in movies sometimes?) If that’s the case, then I most certainly would 😉

  8. Steve says:

    The model could be her…or not. It is hard to tell.

  9. The Observer says:

    I was so engaged with the answers I almost forgot the questions…what were they, again?
    Oh, yeah, would I form a emotional bond with someone who used to, or currently is having sex for money with other persons of the opposite sex. Is that a better way of phrasing it? I say form an emotional bond, you say marry…its approximately the same–except the legal rights thing.

    No. Do I really have to explain myself? OK, I’ll bite. I would not marry a call-girl, escort, hooker, prostitute. An ex-one of those…possibly. How do define “ex”. Does that mean, no longer commercially available? I think if the chemistry and the connection were there I could see that. For me sex is a huge connector in a relationship. I could get over the jealousy issue with a former hooker if she was honest, centered and very clear of what her new life and continued non-professional life consisted of.

    I think that for some, not for me, who are into swinging, the aspect of jealousy apparently can be handled. But I agree with the others who point out the minefield of supposed early life disconnects and molestations that shaped some of these hypothetical women of the night’s personal being is something to be considered. I’m not entirely buying into this, but there seems to be a body of evidence to support that hookers were abused as children. And the same for pedophiles, etc. We “normal” types must be doing just fine, then, shouldn’t we? I have to cut these supposed call-girls some slack and suggest that they are probably not all that different than most of us…except for the pay for sex thing.

    Brian alleges some first hand very draining, emotionally and financially, experience in regard to this blog’s core question. I, on the other hand have very little experience with women who have dismally low self-respect or emotional intelligence. But if the question is rephrased as “would you marry a formerly very promiscuous woman” I’m going to suggest some of the same answers would come up. So let’s not pillory the pros just because they’ve seemed to take the easy road (can’t really be easy to be subject to mysterious death, dismemberment, beating, arrest, etc. can it?).

    Escorts serve a useful position in society. Perhaps if we could be less judgmental, more accepting and empathetic toward their plight and perhaps de-criminalize this “crime” between consenting adults then the answers might be different. Can I get some professional girls to give a shout out? Could they come to their defense,here. Seems to be comments only from the men’s club. And good, honest comments, brothers!

  10. The Observer says:

    ps. no way that’s whatsherface. Breasts too small. Don’t make me do my UmaOprah shtick.

  11. Steve says:

    How about a comment from the women who are regular Kat fans/commentators?

    Would you marry a guy who is a sex worker?

  12. KC says:

    Closed minded people say no, open minded people say….. maybe…. it’s a tough call. Would you go to a swingers party and watch your woman have sex with someone else while you were doing another? SEX is different than LOVE… you can have SEX with someone without loving them. I guess it all comes down to how open you are to life. I for one am on the fence… Jealousy is hard to swallow… my girlfriend and I have been in situations where we were with others but we set the limit at no penetration yet that is open for discussion as well… Sex for hire is GO MONEY… if she takes me on lots of vacations… I may be up for it! Besides,,, it can lead to some VERY erotic evenings!!
    I’ve opened that box and I decided that jealousy is a wasted emotion so I refuse to go there.
    One open minded Californian…..

    Hi Kat!

  13. NL says:

    Date/marry past or present sex worker. No.
    Why– high risk for viral and bacterial STI/STDs.


  14. Kat Wilder says:

    Brian — well, it seems like you know of what you speak. Although, I’d have to say that not all sex workers have a damaged past. Some women strip because it pays good and they’re working their way through college, etc., and are in and out of the business.

    BloggyDaddy — Yeah, the mental images would be hard, but couples who stay married after one has an affair have to deal with the same thing.

    Mike — “Most people in the sex trade have many emotional problems. Aren’t we all walking wounded to a certain extent?

    Chopper Papa — eh, what’s a little “non-traditional behavior” between friends … 😉

  15. Kat Wilder says:

    A Dude — “Probably not, but not categorically no.” So, I’m curious, why not?

    Steve — Somehow, I don’t think Tomasz Wojnarowicz has access to Uma 😉 As for me marrying a sex worker — a former sex worker — why not, as long as he has other qualities that I value.

    TO — You ask “would you marry a formerly very promiscuous woman” and say the “some of the same answers would come up.” I think we judge people differently if they are getting paid for something; not sating it’s wrong or right but most of us do make that judgment. And, we never really know how promiscuous someone has been in his/her past; studies show people inflate/deflate as needed.

    KC — you bring up jealous (so does TO), so I am guessing you are saying people wouldn’t marry a sex worker because of jealousy. But, that may not be the reason why, or totally the reason why. Agreeing to be a swinging couple and dealing with whatever jealousies that may or may not bring up is not quite the same as being part of a couple with someone who has made her livelihood by selling her body.

    NL — but what if she tests STD-free, for a long time?

  16. unclemateo says:

    Dating one now. Very problematic. Lots of fighting. There seems to be, on her part, a desire to be committed, engaged, “normal,” but a huge amount of fighting. Also–as I see it–a lot of negotiating the relationship wherein she gives very little and gets a lot in return, on every level. This seems to me very close to a financial transaction–trying to get the most you can while spending the least time, energy, investment, etc. There is definitely a sweet person underneath all the issues and craziness, but I think this begs a deeper question: do people change, really? CAN they? I am not so sure.

  17. TDev says:

    I think this should be COULD you marry a sex worker rather than WOULD you.

    My finance is a sex worker and just like any job there are inherent risks involve. These inherent risks coupled with the environment of their profession, which, let’s make clear is dictated by their clients who are mostly men, lead them to behavior in a particular manner that is not healthy (lots of drinking on the job and/or drug use). This and the stigma that is attached is very very important to keep in mind when exploring whether or not you COULD be with a sex worker.

    When we first got together things were hard, very hard. There was a lot of things that I had to overcome – the fact that being a stripper is just like any other job. You have to move beyond the stigma that is attached to the profession & if you can’t then you are definitely not equipped to date/marry one. Aside from moving past the stigma I think a lot of men who are not confident would immediately say “no” because, let’s get real…you have to be pretty confident that what you have to offer is fulfilling for her enough. Confidence is #2.

    In regards to all of this “they’re emotional train wrecks” talk…not for nothing, you can find an emotional train wreck in any profession. Perhaps there needs to be a distinguish made between the appearance of being a train wreck and the fact of being a train wreck. Fact would be a clinically diagnosed mental faulty as compared to the appearance which, is not fully inherent in the individual but is induced by the environmental aspects of their line of work. Aside from my finance I’ve met many sex workers that are not “train wrecks.” Don’t get me wrong, there have been moments when my finance’s emotions were all over the place but really, can you blame them? All of you I’m sure would be more than willing to pay into the sex industry and objectify them but yet never see them as more than mere sex objects. If this is not something you can understand than you’re definitely not equipped to date/marry a sex worker.

    Regarding STDs – well listen… if you’re that scared of catching any STDs then you should (1) be practicing safe sex at all times regardless of the person’s profession & (2) be proactive about opening the lines of communication between you and all of your partners. Your fear of catching an STD might just be a projection of your own lack of self sexual care and sexual education.

    For the record: I never asked my finance to stop. Would you ask your wife who is a nurse to stop? Would you ask your husband who is a cop to stop? When she is ready, she will stop..until then, I support her 100%.