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Can women have casual sex like men?

Posted on Monday, March 21, 2011 in Happiness, Honesty, Kat, Men, Relationships, Sex/sexuality, Singles, Women

“I’m sad,” Mia said as we sat on her couch sipping some zin.

“Of course you are; you just went through a horrible breakup. It’s going to take time.”

“I know. It’s only been a month. But …”

“Mia, no ‘buts’ about it. Give yourself time to grieve.”

“But, I’m so horny.”

Who said menopausal women lose their libido?

“Well, then call on one of your old FWB standbys.”

“No, I can’t do that.”

“Well, then let’s find you a new one, a young guy. Nothing helps you get over an ex than having  a fantastic orgasm with someone new,” I said as I grabbed my laptop and starting typing in “match.com.”

“Kat, I just can’t do casual sex anymore.”  

In truth, I don’t think Mia ever could “do” casual sex. But, I indulged her.

“OK, well then it’s your fingers or your Rabbit.”

“But I really, really want to feel and smell a man, you know?”

I do know. That’s the bummer about being single — all the cuddly parts are missing. It’s forced celibacy, which kind of sucks. So along comes the FWB, NSA, hookup, booty-call mentality. You get the cuddles and then some — one hopes — without having to commit, which comes in awfully handy when all you’re trying to do is get over someone while taking care of some basic needs, too.

We all know men can do it, but can women? As “Sex and the City’s” Carrie Bradshaw asked, “In an age where women enjoy the same money and successes as men, why shouldn’t women be able to enjoy sex like a man?”

I think we should, but not every woman can. Blame it on that damned oxytocin of ours! And if that wasn’t bad enough, we can’t quite shake the judgment and name-calling — can you say slut and cougar — by others and ourselves.

But we’ve all had moments when we wanted to surrender to our desire, when all that mattered was the sensual experience, when we just wanted to feel good. It wasn’t about fulfilling some deeper emotional thing or finding meaningfulness or connection. We just wanted to be f@*ked — in a good way.

  • Can women have “sex like a men”?
  • Or are we forever slaves to the need for connection?


Bring on the comments

  1. Steve says:

    Some women can, it would be a better world if more women could. Less dishonesty and hurt feelings would exist.

  2. Chopper Papa
    Twitter: chopperpapa
    says:

    Absolutely they can, I’ve dated more than my fair share. In fact I know women who can be bigger players than men can, juggling multiple guys at the same time.

    The days of guys being the players are over, women have found themselves fitting into that role very nicely. In fact, I’d argue that the older a woman gets the more likelihood they are to go the way of the FWB only because they’re old enough to know what they want and will not settle but they aren’t sheepish enough to not satisfy their feminine urges beside using their hand.

  3. Aleya Bamdad says:

    I agree with Chopper Papa on this one. Many women today are having sex like men. Personally I’m like your friend Mia, but I think that it’s great that women aren’t so guarded today and are more relaxed and able to just go with it.

  4. Steve says:

    Some women obviously can, as is seen in this article about a brothel for women in NZ
    link

    I think the question is if *most* women can, beyond a minority of them.

  5. Janet
    Twitter: youshouldknowca
    says:

    Great post, Kat. I do think women can have casual sex like men, but they’re more likely to think they “should” feel guilty about it. As long as you know what you’re in it for, have safe sex and are in agreement about the arrangement with your partner, why not?

  6. BloggyDaddy says:

    I must be unusual, but I think that casual sex doesn’t work for at least one of the people involved most of the time. I don’t think women should be held in any sort of different light than men where this is concerned though, but the truth is, whether man or woman, there is usually at least one person in the scenario that gets feelings for the other and then suddenly it’s not so casual.

    That being said though, needs are needs and it is what it is I suppose.

  7. T
    Twitter: tsquest
    says:

    I had a wonderful FWB between my last relationship and this one. He was also a cuddler, a great listener and is still a good friend. In bed…. he was …. eh.

    But what I found was that I wanted to be heard and held, rather than fucked. When I was ready for that, I moved on.

  8. Kat Wilder says:

    Can #women have casual #sex like #men? http://bit.ly/fzI715

  9. Kat Wilder says:

    Steve — I suppose. I just don’t think we were made that way. Of course, I keep getting reminded of the “Pleasure Model” in Ridley Scott’s “Blade Runner” …

    Chopper Papa — I agree; the older we get, the better our sex is because we do know our bodies better. And, if we’re stripped of the chances of getting pregnant, well …

    Aleya — I think what’s key is knowing what you want and why you want it, and then staying true to yourself. You can’t fake it when it comes to sex — well, besides that kind of faking! 😉

    Janet — Yes, we are ingrained to feel we “should” feel guilty. And since when did guilt lead to happiness?

    BloggyDaddy — I think it’s totally OK for those people such as yourself to not think much od casual sex. Hookers would be happier, too! It’s not for everyone. But I don’t think anyone’s holding women “in any sort of different light than men.” Still, we can’t discount our hormones and genetic material. Man and woman are different, and I’m OK with that!

    T — Yes, well, that does change one’s priorities, doesn’t it? And how nice when we have a great partner who’s great in bed, too. It’s a win-win!

  10. BloggyDaddy says:

    Kat, that’s funny, how would hookers be happier? They wouldn’t be making as much? Unless that’s considered professional sex as opposed to casual.

    Anyway, I have nothing against it, if it can truly be casual. I just think it’s hard to keep casual sometimes.

    Of course, maybe my recent experiences don’t relate to the rest of the world, but I did this with a good friend, both of us expecting it to be just casual. She eventually let me know she wanted a relationship and I didn’t which made things weird fast. I feel like I lost a good friend and gained a stalker, which kind of sucks.

    Now there’s a blog post if I ever saw one.

  11. The Observer says:

    OK, Kat,your questions: Women have sex like men?–I’m already disconnected–women have sex like women, not men. Some are more promiscuous and earn a reputation (that’s not fair) while the old double standard says for men that’s acceptable. I know that’s what you really were asking–is the double standard still applicable, today. It is, and it isn’t. Our society is more accepting of women having casual sex but still societal values skew toward women having babies with one provider. Obviously The Pill historically shifted the power. But most older women are still following the standard of no or few sex partners before marriage, while younger women have lived in a world of choices. Then came AIDS, then came a host of STIs, and now Oral Sex leads to HPV. It would seem to reason that younger women are having more sex with fewer, more selected partners–the smart ones (my judgement). Men are still adjusting to the greater power women have in deciding what they do with their bodies and it doesn’t mean marriage and monogamy, necessarily. Look at the average age rising for first marriages.

    So some things are “a changin'” and women will probably not have as many partners as men but the balance is starting to be obvious.

    Just so I’m clear: women will never have sex like men. They get pregnant and stuff. But they are having more, and I pray, better sex. There sure is a lot of good info out there to review if they’re not and want to.

    As to “slaves to the need for connection” I think that is a socio-economic topic, almost a much as an emotional connection issue. Women are different from men biologically and in the way they bind and what they look for in a partner/provider/mate. Women can definitely keep up with men in the one-night stand department if they aren’t slaves to the “need for connection”. Some women are still looking for daddy, some have moved on. I recommend reading “Mating in Captivity” for those puzzled by monogamy and why it seems to be “serial monogamy” at best, for over half the population. Cheers!

  12. whocares says:

    the problem is that women are brought up to feel that men owe them and that when it comes to sex they are doing men a favor. Its mainly to do with pregnancy. Even with a casual sex encounter the women will still feel cheated. Infact any sex encounter the woman will feel used so they make men make up for it such as providing security, treating them like a lady, dinner dates, romancing them etc these are all ways women make men payback for giving up the goods.

    The solution is to let go of their egos adapt to actually enjoying the act of sex an treating it as just a “moment or experiance” of pleasure, love and intamcy like a holiday trip for themselves – rather than making it a massive subconcious plan leading to babies family and ever lasting love and emotion in exchange for giving themselves up.

    Want the man and the sex with him not just his financial, emotional reciprocation, security etc.

    Women need to learn to enjoy the sex itself and get emotions, euphoria, pleasure from it etc like listening to your favorite music.

    Rather than trying to attach emotional things to the sex itself. Best way to describe it is like eating fruit but not adding sugar, cream and romancing it or presenting it in a certain way or ordering it from a specific restuarant and attaching things to it like special days to eat it etcs, just enjoy the fruit for what it is and enjoy the natural flavor as you eat it.

    If women cannot do this then casual sex isnt for them.

  13. BigLittleWolf
    Twitter: BigLittleWolf
    says:

    Women can – and do – have casual sex. All the time.

    What I find odd is referring to it as “having sex like men.” I think it’s just “having sex.”