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Dec 27

He’s fit, she’s fat

Posted on Monday, December 27, 2010 in Happiness, Men, Relationships, Self image, Sex/sexuality, Women

Sara and I were savoring our lattes, taking a break from post-holiday returns and bargains, when we ran into a guy we knew from the gym. He was with a woman, a fat woman.

“Wonder who that is,” Sara said, gesturing in her direction.

“Maybe it’s his girlfriend. Wait, he once told us he’s married, right?”

Sure enough, it was his wife.

“She’s packing a little more than the holiday 5 pounds, isn’t she?” Sara snarked.

“They’re married; people gain weight when they’re in a relationship. And, who knows — maybe he’s into BBWs.”

“But he’s so fit!”

Yes, he is. And that always makes me wonder what’s going in a relationship when there clearly is a difference of opinion about such an essential thing as caring for your body.

Men often feel pimped when their women gain a lot of weight. That’s when they often lose an interest in sex, too. Nothing gets you out of the
mood for sex than hating your body.

Of course, maybe many women gain weight so they can get out of having sex in the first place.
I’m sure that doesn’t fly well with their hubbies, either!

Sure, I weighed more when I was married
— so did almost all my girlfriends, about 8 to 10 pounds more each. Not really fat, just “juicy.” I
think when you have young kids and you’re so exhausted at night that pounding a bag of chips and salsa on the couch in front of reruns sounds like fun, it’s easy to gain weight.

No way that I’d live like that anymore. And, I’m
not interested in being with a fat man, either, and no, that doesn’t make me shallow. But if my sweetie started to get heavy, I would say something — because I love him, and that’s what loving couples do. They talk honestly and lovingly about things that matter, and they hear that with love, too.

Now that we’re closing in on New Year’s and resolutions, many will vow to get in shape
this year — and many won’t.

Still, I wonder — why do so many women
pack on the pounds after they fall in love?

Is it a way to avoid intimacy?

Or is it just love and accept me the way I am?

Photo © Dan Race – Fotolia.com

Dec 20

All I want for Christmas

Posted on Monday, December 20, 2010 in Advice, Happiness, Honesty, Kat, Relationships

Sara dragged me to the mall right before Thanksgiving because she needed to get a new cell phone. I was shocked that it had been transformed into a Winter Wonderland — red and green trimmings were everywhere, robotic reindeer “ate” who knows what while bobbing their heads in sparkling “snow,” and “fa la la la las” blasted from the speaker system.

“What’s going on?”

“Uh, it’s almost Christmas, Kat. It’s looked like this since Halloween. Where have you been?”

Obviously, thankfully, not at the mall.      

I’m not a Grinch or a Scrooge; in many ways, this is the “most wonderful time of the year.” I totally get into the decorating, the music, the parties. But I hate that I’m expected to think about my loved ones’ wants and desires — as well as caring about those less fortunate — once a year.

Shouldn’t we think about that all the time?

And it’s even worse that the way I’m supposed to show how much I care is by buying something — “Whatcha get?!?” Sure, The Kid was pretty darn happy when an XBox appeared under the tree one year; I’ll bet he would have been just as happy — maybe even happier — if it appeared one day in his room “just because.”

But he seems just as happy when we take a hike together or sit at our favorite little cafe sipping our lattes, when we’re truly present with each other (or is that a mother deluding herself?)

Everyone knows this crazy buying frenzy’s not what Christmas is really about, but that’s what it’s morphed into (because we’ve allowed it to); that’s kind of sad.

And a lot of what we actually get as gifts — a fake crystal candlestick; a made-in-China knitted glove, scarf and beanie set, etc. — isn’t really what we need or even want. It’s just more stuff, and we are drowning in our “stuff.” All you have to do is move or help someone move, and you’ll see how true that is. How many mugs does a person need?

Plus it’s often given out of obligation, not out of love: in what way does that feel good? Sometimes, the gifts we get make us feel even worse about our loved ones: “After all these years together, he still doesn’t know what I like!!!!”

This year especially, when so many of us are hurting financially, how wonderful would it be if we gave in a different way — like giving of ourselves, our time, our energy, our talents. Or maybe giving of our heart by opening up and being honest and genuine with each other.

You, my readers, have been a constant gift to me; I only hope I’ve added a little tinsel to your lives, too. Merry Christmas!

Photo © Melking – Fotolia.com

Dec 13

He’s jobless — do you date him?

Posted on Monday, December 13, 2010 in dating, Happiness, Men, Relationships, Singles, Women

At first it seemed like the holiday party Sara and I went to Saturday night was going to be like most of the other ones we’d been to; either too many couples who wanted to talk about their kids (and the handful of hubbies who’d hit on you anyway) or one hot guy and eight fake-boobed babes hanging all over him, or a few single guys who, sadly, were either overweight Bud-swilling jocks, players or bores. So we were prepared for the usual when in walked Mr. Adorable.

“Ooh, let’s get a good spot to watch the babes cling to him like flypaper,” Sara said, popping two garlic-stuffed olives in her mouth.

“OK, but I do have to say that you just took yourself out of the running.”

She rolled her eyes and stuck out her pungent tongue at me as we looked at Mr. Adorable to see who’d approach him first; you could feel the estrogen energy buzzing all around the festive fresh greens-draped room.

So I was totally  surprised when I came out of the bathroom about 15 minutes later and saw Sara and Mr. Adorable getting along quite nicely. In fact, I didn’t get a chance to talk to her all night until we walked to her car to head home.

“All right, missy, what’s his story?”

“He’s a totally cool guy. And so cute!”

“Yeah, I noticed the cute. So did every other woman in the room. So?”

“So I like him and he     likes me I guess
because he asked for
my number and wants
to get together. But, I don’t know …”

“What do you mean,
you don’t know? He’s cute, he’s cool and he’s into you even though
you were popping garlic olives all night long; are you feeling OK?”

“He’s unemployed.”

“So?”

“So, he’s been unemployed
for a year and he’s 54 the chance of him finding a job are almost impossible.”

“But, what does that have to do with anything?”

“Kat, I can barely afford to keep myself afloat — why would I want to get involved with someone who’ll be unable to contribute, even if we go 50-50?”

Sara had a point I guess.

As if dating as a middle-aged parent isn’t hard enough, the recession has been yet another big buzz kill for the dating scene.

How can you even focus on dating when you’re stressed out over losing a job and trying to find a new one?

I know women get a bad rap for only wanting to be with men who make the big bucks. OK, many woman are like that. But, we don’t care about those kind of women, right? There are always women who date and marry artists, actors, writers, teachers — people who don’t make a lot of money and who may never make a lot of money.

So, what’s the difference? Especially if we gals are working, not looking to make babies and already have a place we call home.

Well, enlightened society or not, we still believe men should be bringing home the bacon and a guy in a low-paid job is still employed; an unemployed guy is, well, unemployed. And in this economy, that may mean more than it used to in the past, when you could find anew job relatively quickly.

It isn’t fair, really, because I’m not sure guys feel the same way about unemployed women; guys probably think an unemployed woman’s totally dateable, especially if they’re hotties. They might, however, feel differently if a woman lives a lifestyle a la Carrie Bradshaw but doesn’t make much money; in other words, a shopaholic with huge debt and bad credit ratings.

Until the economy turns around, singles are going to be struggling with this so we might have to rethink who’s dateable and who isn’t. If nothing else, an unemployed guy has lots of time to think about, call and be with you!

  • Would you date an unemployed man?
  • An unemployed woman?
  • If you’re unemployed, how do you talk about that on a date? Or, do you even bother?

Photo © aldegonde le compte – Fotolia.com