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Here’s why he disappeared

Posted on Thursday, August 19, 2010 in Advice, dating, Happiness, Kat, Men, Relationships, Singles, Women

Mia and I were wrangling over the “special” thing last week. Was it wrong, greedy or needy to want to have someone make us feel “special”?

Do we need to feel “special” past the age when our Moms and Dads told us that we were?

Do we abuse the idea of what we “deserve”?

I don’t know on the “special” thing, and I’d say, sure, we probably can and do abuse our notion of what we “deserve.” Still, most of us don’t want to be with someone who makes us feel like crap. So, why do we tolerate it?

Good question.

So I felt somewhat validated when I read this:

“If you want true power and control over your love life, it’s about breaking that pattern of trying to fix relationships with broken men who treat you like crap, and making healthier decisions about about men. …  (Y)ou’re going to realize that you don’t want a guy who doesn’t make you feel special. You’re going to be free to have a relationship with a man who actually gives you the love you deserve.”

It’s from dating coach Evan Marc Katz‘s new ebook, “Why He
Disappeared
.”  

Disclosure: I was approached by Katz to become an affiliate in the book, meaning I could stand to profit from its sales. I have nothing against making money, but I won’t endorse anything I don’t believe in. So, I asked if I could read it first, and I have.

Do I believe in it?

I’ve read my share of self-help books, and so many of them are filled with stuff we already know!

But do we follow through?

Not so much. And that’s the reason why we keep making bad choices in our life when it comes to relationships and other things.

Perhaps it isn’t bad to have a reminder now and then; it’s kinda why we read some blogs anyway, right? To check in on
whether what we’re feeling is “normal” or not.

So, there are a few things Evan’s got going for him.

  1. Evan’s blog is on my blogroll — not something I take lightly.
  2. He’s a guy; as I’ve said before, most of your gal friends are going to be “yes” women; they’ll tell you what you want to hear, not what you need to hear — which is whatever responsibility we may have in a guy’s disappearance. Not because they’re being manipulative or disingenuous, but because they’re women, too! If you want to know how you rate as girlfriend material, ask a guy. Blowjobs, too.
  3. Evan gave Lori Gottlieb dating advice, and, boy, does the girl need it — she rejected a guy for his name! His advice is part of her book “Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough.” Now, I didn’t love the book (too long, self-absorbed, blah, blah), but some of it makes a lot of sense to me (although I still shudder, as so many others do, at the word “settle”; it’s a loaded word), and I’ll bet the parts that make sense to me are the parts Evan’s in.
  4. Just the other day, I wrote how we gals have it all wrong; we’ve accomplished so much, we’re making big bucks (well, not me, but others are!), we’ve got fancy titles at work and maybe we have the coveted corner office. You go, girls, But, guess what? Women’s degrees and ambition aren’t aphrodisiacs or turn-ons. Evan has been saying that, too: “Ambitious, successful, strong — the qualities in which you may take the most pride — are not your most desirable assets to most men. It’s not that they don’t matter. It’s that what most men want on a first date is a woman who is easygoing, fun, and appreciative.”

He is so right about that!

Other things he says that I like:

  • The qualities that attract us to each other also repel: “We love your feistiness. We tire of the battles; We love your active mind. We tire of the arguments; We love your passion. We tire of the drama.” (OK, guys can have drama, too, but whatever.)
  • If you want a masculine guy, embrace your passive feminine side.
  • Most guys aren’t bad guys, some are just clueless; cut them some slack.
  • Don’t live by arbitrary rules, like you’ll only have sex after x-number of dates. All we have to do is figure out if a guy is interested in us or sex. If we don’t know the answer, don’t get naked!; go ahead if we think we do.
  • Don’t rush through a relationship as if we’re trying to get to the end of a novel; let things develop organically, not with insecurity and fear of what’s next.
  • The best we can do to keep a guy around is by enhancing his life — “making it better, easier, and more pleasurable than if he was single.” Kinda like wanting to feel special.
  • It’s not like Evan wants us to be doormats, but choosing the battles — as any mom of a teenager knows — is key; “by letting go of control of the small things, you get to win the big ones.”
  • When it comes to a man accepting who we are — Meredith Brooks’ declaration that a guy should “take me as I am; this may mean you’ll have to be a stronger man” isn’t always the right way. “Alter the perception of who you are.” We all tend to focus on our own needs, not always our guy’s needs. Hey, he has them too.

Ultimately, here’s the book’s take-home message:

“(I)f you were dating a good, solid, relationship-oriented man who suddenly disappeared, chances are not that he’s threatened; but that he’s looking for someone who makes him feel better about himself than you do.”

That’s hard to hear, but hear it we must. Guess guys like to feel “special,” too.

So, do you need to read “Why He Disappeared“?

If you can figure this stuff out on your own and stick to it without downing numerous pints of Ben & Jerry’s or Lemon Drops, and burning out your girlfriends as you “process” for the umpteenth time, probably not.

If you want to have a comforting “I know what you’re going through” voice to keep you true to yourself, then by all means, buy it.

Here’s the link to “Why He Disappeared“; the ebook, audio and video package is on sale through Sunday (with a one-year money-back guarantee, longer than many relationships!).

Just tell him you were sent by Kat …

… who probably should be writing, “Why She Disappeared.”

  • Do you believe your partner should make you feel “special”?
  • What does feeling “special” look like?


Bring on the comments

  1. Jim Everson says:

    You mean women haven’t figured that out yet? That might be the most discouraging thing I have ever read. I’m going back to bed.

  2. Steve says:

    In my humble opinion, this is one of the most valuable points you have made throughout your blog:

    most of your gal friends are going to be “yes” women; they’ll tell you what you want to hear, not what you need to hear — which is whatever responsibility we may have in a guy’s disappearance.

    In my opinion this is one of EMK’s most useful and provocative pieces of writing:

    “Why Don’t Men Like Smart, Strong, Successful Women?”
    http://tinyurl.com/2lfqyg

    The title is deceptive. The article covers much more ground than what is mentioned just in the title. It also has much value for men in the dating pool as well.

  3. Frankly, I thought it was brilliant.

    Then again, what do I know? I’m just a guy. 🙂

    Thanks for sharing, Kat. I sincerely hope that your readers get something valuable out of it.

    XO

    Evan

  4. BigLittleWolf
    Twitter: BigLittleWolf
    says:

    I rarely buy books of this sort, and I haven’t gotten this one. Honestly – I’d have to have access to men to make any sort of relationship book worth my time or money.

    I also know a good deal (at this stage) about what works for me and what doesn’t; again, the issue is access. Or perhaps more specifically, supply & demand given age, regional, and other demographics.

    But I have to say – one who gives Lori Gottlieb dating advice might be worth picking up. Or at least, checking out his site – until I find that zero gravity planet, and men who don’t expect all women to be 5’6″, blond, and perpetually 30.

  5. “(I)f you were dating a good, solid, relationship-oriented man who suddenly disappeared, chances are not that he’s threatened; but that he’s looking for someone who makes him feel better about himself than you do.”

    I think the most important part of this “take-home message” is the part that describes the man as a “good, solid, relationship-oriented man” because, IMO, more than half the problem is finding a guy like that!

  6. T
    Twitter: tsquest
    says:

    He’s on my blog roll too. 🙂

    This line, “If you want a masculine guy, embrace your passive feminine side.” had me saying yes, YES!!!

    I had to learn that one, big time. Greatness!

  7. Kat Wilder says:

    Must someone make you feel 'special'? check out @evanmarckatz and why he disappeared http://katwilder.com/?p=2267

  8. RT @KatWilder: Must someone make you feel 'special'? check out @evanmarckatz and why he disappeared http://katwilder.com/?p=2267

  9. Kat Wilder says:

    #whatmadeyouthink a guy should treat you like crap? http://katwilder.com/?p=2267

  10. Kat Wilder says:

    Jim — I hope there’s a woman in that bed so you can help her figure it out … 😉

    Steve — That’s cause we gals are trained to be “nice.” I have one really good friend with who is as willing as I am to hear “the truth.” Thank goodness for her!

    Evan — Thank you! We all can use a little advice now and then; sometimes, a lot of advice!

    Mindy — They’re out there! Don’t give up hope or get jaded. If they were a dime a dozen, we wouldn’t appreciate them. Believe!

    BLW — Trust me; you don’t want the kind of man who wants “all women to be 5’6″, blond, and perpetually 30.” Not that the right guy might not fantasize about that …

    T — You are so feminine, m’dear! I think being feminine is the best thing I’ve got going for me. Everyone needs a soft place to be embraced, nurtured and humored — women, moms , do this really well.

  11. VJ says:

    OK I think the general prescription works for certain people. There are certain women who desperately Need to be ‘felt special’. No, that’s Not all of them. And certainly not all of the time. After more than a few dissatisfying experiences with the type, I looked for women who were more ‘outer’ focused. The whole world did not revolve around them. The world did not exist to satisfy their needs first & foremost. They used to be far easier to find too!

    But me making them feel ‘special’ All the time? Most of the time? How about only for ‘special occasions’? I can Do ‘loved & loving. Special is in the eye of the beholder. And there’s the rub. It really depends on the ever shifting internal states of the person who’s ‘feeling it’, & not really on any of the various ‘inputs’ that the ‘dumb guys’ may be rendering. Or being dinged for not doing, now or ever or frequently ‘enough’.

    Your Happiness can only be Aided by me & what I do. I can not really Make you happy. Not for a long time, just for short bursts of moments. I might make you content. Or satisfied. And ‘special’ by virtue of the fact that I’m here with you. But I can not provide enough ‘goods’ to fill a hole in your soul, if you are indeed that needy. No one can actually. Not even the gods.

    Why did he disappear? There are as many reasons as directions as the ships have taken from the sea. Outbound. East, North, South or West. And then some. But none are strange paths, all have been traveled before, all are fairly familiar. To everyone. Why did he/she go? Because they had to & wanted to. Why did they not return? They got lost along the way perhaps. Or found a better home for the moment. Why bother to ask why? The ships are meant to float & travel, it’s what they do mostly. Cheers, ‘VJ’

  12. amy says:

    i’m waaay behind on reading your posts and obviously need to catch up! this is great. i bought evan’s book and would recommend it to anyone–with the caveat that you should probably be in a place where you’re feeling kinda strong–there is definitely some tough love in there!

    i’ve been plowing through tons of dating and relationship books, ebooks, digital downloads, audio, video, etc…and Why He Disappeared definitely had kernels that didn’t pop up in other places.

  13. Kat Wilder says:

    Maybe this is the reason women become "psycho" ex-girlfriends http://katwilder.com/?p=2267

  14. Svetti says:

    I am 52 years young – feel it – look it (most days) 😉 and have a horrible time finding the kind of man Mr. Katz writes about – I seem to attract men that need a fix – a bandaid to help them feel better about themselves and then poof – they are gone. I know I need to read this book – because I care for – I nurture – I try to be there to help and you know what? I don’t let them chase too much before I allow the catch – and I obviously need to. I always am putting myself out there to be there for him and perhaps come off too much like his mom? I need to value myself more, which I don’t believe I do, after reading some of these comments and Mr. Katz’s excerpts. It’s time to change – and it’s NEVER too late… I just need to learn how to do it! 🙂

  15. Kat Wilder says:

    @Svetti — Well, the first step is knowing that something is wrong (or, at the least, that you’re unhappy with what is). The rest is up to you! But, give yourself credit for naming it. Good luck!

  16. cam00 says:

    Is this book not in a hard copy. I don’t like e-books. Where can I get a hard copy of this book??

  17. I love this book. I hear so many women talk about there aren’t any good men left. Men are jerks. They want young tall blonds. Pretty much every excuse in the world. If you are willing to step out of your box and embrace a new way of thinking and are serious about finding a partner, this book is for you. I have read it. If you are of the mindset that there isn’t a sense of abundance when it comes to men and aren’t willing to entertain that that isn’t true, the book isn’t for you. It changed my life. My current partner is not in the package I had imagined, but he is pretty dammed cool.

  18. Kat Wilder says:

    Robinincarolina — Amen! Pretty damn cool is, well, pretty damn cool 😉

  19. Yep Kat! He is the bomb, I would have missed him completely if I held onto that stupid list of must haves.