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Now who’s being shallow?

Posted on Wednesday, June 16, 2010 in dating, Honesty, Men, Relationships, Self image, Sex/sexuality, Singles, Women

I was minding my own business, reading my book and sipping on my latte when I became aware of the middle-aged guys at the table next to me.

They were grumbling about women.

It was about the usually suspects — how women only care about how much a guy makes, and their cars, and their stuff, and their hair
(like, if they have some).     

“Women are shallow, my friends, what can I say?” one said.

I looked up from my book to see who had said that — it was the saggy-bellied, balding one, ‘natch — just as the three of their heads
jerked to stare at a yummy mummy blonde who’d just walked in with two adorable toe-heads hanging all over her.

Yes, well, as Dennis Miller says, “There’s nothing wrong with being shallow as long
as you’re insightful about it.” Not much evidence of that at my local coffee shop.

“R women shallower than men?” I texted Sara.


“Y do u say that?”

It’s harder for fat gals to have sex than fat guys.”

“Doh, & ur point is …”

“We’ll  f–k a fattie but a fattie won’t f–k us. U tell me whoz shallow!”

OK, she has a point. But I actually think both sexes are pretty shallow — for different reasons. Women are still drawn the idea of a prince who’ll carry us to his castle where we’ll live happily ever after, and men are still drawn to Playboy bunnies. But depending on what studies you want to believe, women are shallower than men.

Over things like money and material things. Maybe height.

But, not about weight, evidently (even though most princes in fairy tales and Disney movies look pretty damn buff to me!)

Which makes it seem like we gals are pretty much looking at the whole package, not just all the little — or, in this case, big — details. You can be fat and we’ll still screw you! Well, not me; others.

How lucky is that?

But if you’re a fat woman, forget it. Most men want a hottie — hottie meaning beauty plus brains for some, and just beauty for others. Rarely are “hottie” and “fattie” happily together in the same sentence.

Is one shallowness better or worse than the other?

Maybe if we’re rejecting someone over something he or she can’t control. Can’t control height and baldness, but we sure can control a lot of other stuff. Income? Sure. Beauty? Harder, but there are products … and things like self-esteem and confidence. Weight? Well, doh.

Still, I don’t think it’s shallow if we reject people who aren’t attractive to us, no matter what the reason — with the understanding that narrow definitions of attractiveness limits your pool. And if you’re going to get all tweaked about being rejected for things you can change, change or get over it!

  • Who’s shallower, men or women?
  • Is it worse to reject someone over something he/she can’t control?

Photo © Abdelhamid Moumni –

Bring on the comments

  1. BigLittleWolf
    Twitter: BigLittleWolf

    Funny post! And quite thought-provoking. I think “shallow” would need to be defined a more explicitly, and I believe you’d find variations in age range and possibly region.

    I happen to believe I live in an area where men and women both are shallow, when it comes to the dating world. The men remain shallow well into their 60s; the women, not so much.

    And yes, I think we are more accepting of things that are outside our control. But who says that weight gain is not related to medications or a health condition?

  2. T
    Twitter: tsquest

    Wow. I never thought of it that way…

  3. Steve says:

    Some women like to believe they are more noble then men because they can be attracted to a less than perfect physical specimen.

    Women can be turned on by success that isn’t necessarily financial, humor, deep thoughts, art, etc. in addition to money or a buff body.

    In my non-expert opinion that is about the ancient drive of being turned on by fitness as a provider and a protector –expressed in a more sophisticated way via the cerebral cortex and culture.

    Women, like men, are still on marching orders from their biology.

    No more or less noble.

  4. Steve says:

    I hate to write it, but I don’t see something as being outside of someone’s control as being a mitigating factor……at least as far as dating goes. Relationships may be different.

    If something about a person is a problem for you, it is a problem for you.

  5. Honey
    Twitter: honeyandlance

    I always thought the conventional wisdom was that women of any attractiveness and weight had an easier time getting sex than guys, regardless of attractiveness or weight? I also don’t think weight is outside of anyone’s control except in rare cases.

    But I do date Jake even though he’s short! Ha.

  6. KC says:

    Everyone has their… Yes’s and No’s.. as to whether they will date someone. Yes, men see beauty first. But, sometimes a man will look past the plumpness, if he’s really not interested only to find that they have a lot in common and/or charisma and they become friends and then lovers… but on a first glance, men look at beauty… in my opinion. Women, I THINK, look at the pocket book… what kind of car does he drive, where does he live, what kind of restaurant does he take her to on the first date… Bald, fat, I don’t think that matters to a woman looking for a mate, as long as he has the means to keep her in the lifestyle she THINKS she deserves…
    disclaimer… not all people are this way, just something I’ve noticed over the years… and no, I’m not bald or fat! LOL

  7. jim
    Twitter: mobilene

    As I’ve said here before, I got over my pornstar fantasies in my 30s. But also, hotness depends on who’s looking. One of the hottest women I ever dated outweighed me by at least 40 pounds.

  8. The Observer says:

    Q:Is one shallowness better or worse than the other? A: I’m thinking about the same…men with their urges swinging more to the trophy look, women falling into more security-like stances. But aren’t both merely defensive mechanisms designed to avoid intimacy. Don’t most of these forethoughts involve individuals with whom we are not sufficiently connected?

    Q:Who’s shallower, men or women? A: Why does that question matter? Both have effect to enhance avoidance. Who’s going to deal out the punishment to the loser in the contest? What is the reward for the less shallow–both men and women have tendencies toward shallow thinking. What’s interesting is the aspects you have delineated, the characteristics of each sex’s approach to deciding the merits to how to classification is going to be utilized. And for what time period is this procedure continued? Is there a point at which a man or woman ignores these attempts to define another person by unsubstantial criteria either due to greater understanding on their part or maturing? I guess I’m trying to make a point that we harm ourselves by not being a person of substance–and making judgements based on perceptions of imperfection in people rather than perceiving that person’s true makeup and value. What guy would have walked across the street to talk to Susan Boyle before they heard her sing? What woman would be swept off her feet the first time she saw Bill Gates if she was unaware he was a mega-billionaire? I’m obviously trying to be outrageous with my examples…most all of life is less dramatic.

    Q:Is it worse to reject someone over something he/she can’t control? A: I admit to being shallow at times…then I disengage my ego and realize it’s not just genetics or upbringing on the part of the person that I’m not liking…its me. My projection. I own making shallow assessments of other people. I just don’t keep those observations for more than a couple of seconds. I’ve been rewarded for going the extra distance to know more about someone before I dismiss them or accept them as someone worth spending time together…and that for the sake of your blog–the man/woman connections aspects of life always delights.

  9. Kat Wilder says:

    Fat gals have more trouble finding a sexual partner than fat men. Well, isn't that surprising!?

  10. dadshouse
    Twitter: dadshouseblog

    Men and women can both be shallow. I admit, I run into a good share of Silicon Valley women who are looking for wealth. It sucks.

    Now then, where did that hottie go…

  11. […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Kat Wilder, Do Over. Do Over said: RT @TopsyRT: Now who's being shallow? […]

  12. Do Over says:

    RT @TopsyRT: Now who's being shallow?

  13. brian says:

    Scene from Annie Hall

    Alvy addresses a pair of strangers on the street]
    Alvy Singer: Here, you look like a very happy couple, um, are you?
    Female street stranger: Yeah.
    Alvy Singer: Yeah? So, so, how do you account for it?
    Female street stranger: Uh, I’m very shallow and empty and I have no ideas and nothing interesting to say.
    Male street stranger: And I’m exactly the same way.
    Alvy Singer: I see. Wow. That’s very interesting. So you’ve managed to work out something?

  14. Kat Wilder says:

    BLW — Yeah, I imagine there’s a lot more depth to shallowness that we give it credit for … 😉

    Steve — I think that pretty much says it all, doesn’t it?

    Jim — Hot is a personal thing, thank goodness, because it we all went after the same look, they’d be a lot of lonely people around

    The Observer — “most of life is less dramatic”? All of life is drama of some sort or another — or is that just if you’re a woman …;-)

    Dad — LOL!

    Brian — Gotta love Woody (not necessarily the person, but the observer)