My parents screwed up my life!
Sara looked upset when she finally showed up at the gym.
“What’s with you?”
“Ugh,” she said in disgust. “It’s not me. It’s my sister.”
Sara’s sister, four years older, is one of those people who always has some sort of drama going on — a breakup, financial ruin, an illness, a fight with her BFF, DUIs, a surgery, a job loss.
“What now?”
“She and Greg split up.”
“Oh, I though they already were split.”
“No, they got back together in February, but now he’s moved out, for good he says. He just can’t deal with her passive-aggressive crap anymore.”
“I don’t blame him; you hate it, too.” 
“I know. But now she’s on a rampage again about the affair and the divorce and blah, blah, blah.”
“She’s still blaming your Dad’s affair and your parents’ divorce when you were kids for her problems?”
“Yep.”
“She’s how old again?”
“53.”
“I thought you guys have the same parents …”
Sara rolled her eyes and shrugged as she popped her iPod earphones in and stepped on the treadmill.
I know affairs and divorce can often be devastating to kids — Trent has made it very clear to his dad and me how he feels about some of the stuff that’s gone down in our family. But he’s a teen; when you’re 53, shouldn’t you be past it? At some point, shouldn’t you have figured things out, or at least spent some serious time on a shrink’s couch, bought an Amazon-like warehouse of self-help books, been an audience member of the Dr. Phil show, hired a life coach, adjusted your chakras, consulted a psychic, sat zazen, found Jesus — something, anything, to help you get over your past?
You can’t blame your parents forever.
OK, some parents are pretty crappy — they abandon, they cheat and lie, they manipulate, they scream and smack; you know, the Mommy Dearest kinds. Then there are the ones who make the perv in “Silence of the Lambs” look like Mother Teresa in comparison — the abusers, the raging alcoholics, the ones who lock their kids in basements and feed them scraps.
We all can bitch about our parents, and we do. Just watch Oprah; wasn’t supermodel Naomi Campbell the latest one, blaming her mom for her anger, addictions and general infantile behavior?
But, what’s the point? We can’t undo the past and the more we obsess about how we didn’t get all that we wanted — and, yeah, maybe deserved — the more we hurt ourselves, and everything we’re trying to do and everyone we’re trying to love now.
When are we responsible for our own behaviors?
We may become legal when we’re 21; I say we become adults when we stop blaming our parents for screwing up our life.
My parents were far from perfect; they said and did hurtful things. I can still hear a lot of their fear messages — “you can’t …” “you shouldn’t …” — and even after they stopped saying those things, I started telling them to myself! Still, my folks gave me a lot. They were once kids who didn’t get everything they wanted for their parents, either. And, I know they meant well, even if they didn’t always deliver. I’m gonna cut them some slack for that.
We’re all walking around a little wounded.
The only thing we can change about the past is how we allow it to mess with us now. (Not to get all Buddhist on you … although I am from Northern California, and you know how we are).
And you know when I “got” it? When I became a mom myself.
Thank goodness my parents are still around and it wasn’t too late for me to thank them — yes, I have and still do — and to have compassion and forgiveness for them.
Which, by the way, The Kid will never have to stress about because I have done no wrong! (His dad? Hmm …) But, if I have (or, if he thinks I have, perception being reality and whatnot), well, at least I’m helping to keep a few shrinks in business; they can thank me later.
- Do you still blame your parents?
- What do you think about adults who can’t stop blaming their parents?
- How have you moved on from childhood hurts?
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There are things that parents can do that will last a life time ( like choosing to be a choice mom).
There is a distinction between explaining the origin of a problem, resentment and the assignment of responsibility ( the ability to respond ) for fixing a problem.
I don’t begrudge people the first two.
The last ball is in the child’s court.
Even if a parent accepts blame for a problem ( more rare than common ), they usually do not have the power to fix someone’s life.
Someone else may to be blame for knocking you down, but only you can pick yourself up and walk forward.
Unfair? Absolutely.
Unfortunately the alternative is to spend your life missing out on things.
.-= Steve´s last blog ..Death =-.
Twitter: msjennixo
says:
As far as my parents’ divorce goes, I never blamed either of them for it. I just coped. I dealt with my mom going through the grieving process. I dealt with my dad remarrying his first wife only a few months later. Did I like it? No. But I never blamed them for anything.
My mom and I though, do have some issues. We’ve worked past a lot of them, but there’s still some work to do. My mom has been single ever since she got divorced. She has never had a love interest since. Her life revolved around ME. Which also meant when life got hard on her, she took it out on ME. Now for that, I held a lot of resentment towards her for a while.
My mom on the otherhand has blamed her divorce for my “issues with men.” Meaning from the age of 16 and on, I strived to have someone special in my life. She is convinced I had daddy issues. I disagree. I just think we’re wired differently – she’s okay with being alone. I use to NOT be okay with it, but now I just go with the flow.
Have a moved on from my childhood hurt from my mother? Mostly. We still occasionally get into it, because I feel she can be rather judgemental towards me.. and the last thing any woman wants is to be judged by her mother. But she usually turns around and apologized, after she sees how offended and hurt I was about whatever she said. At least now we can talk it out.
And most people that blame their parents are just affraid of realizing that the only person to really blame is themselves.
.-= Jenni´s last blog ..Memorial Day Weekend =-.
Twitter: mobilene
says:
This reminds me of the Existential Paradox:
We are not responsible for how we came to be who we are as adults. But as adults we are responsible for whom we have become and for everything we say and do.
.-= jim´s last blog ..My favorite cars from the auction =-.
Blame? No. Realizations still happen, but I know it’s my responsibility to get better.
Most people that still blame their parents usually blame everyone and everything else for their problems. Best to be avoided at all costs.
.-= Mike´s last blog ..Dating So You Don’t Have To =-.
Twitter: dadshouseblog
says:
It’s hard to break free from how your parents programmed your psychology. They weren’t the only ones – teachers, friends, everyone have an influence, even if to make you more defensive and resistent.
Jonathan Franzen’s novel, The Corrections, has a loose premise that each generation tries to undo the mistakes its parents made.
I agree we shouldn’t blame our parents forever, and at some point we’d all do well to own up to our own choices and mistakes.
.-= dadshouse´s last blog ..Parenting After a Toxic Divorce =-.
My mother and her siblings still dwell in the past. And they are all in their 60′s! Some people just cant let go and it’s always someoen else’s fault. It’s not due to their parents or how they were raised, it’s their own personality, how they choose to respond, lack of maturity/responsibility, etc. These people can suck the life out of anyone.
.-= Mindy@SingleMomSays´s last blog ..Quick & Dirty =-.
If we look at it from the point of view that all our parent’s decisions have an effect on the children we pretty much can blame our parents for everything, but when we grow up we can make decisions and decide whether to break the pattern. I guess I can blame my total inability in establishing healthy relationships on the fact that my mother was a single mother, and that I’ve never seen closely a relationship therefore I don’t know where I fit or what to do but, is blaming my mother going to resolve my problem? of course not. Then, what’s the point of blaming? I think is better intead of being stuck in the past with what our parents did, to try to take responsibility on the issue, decide not to continue with it and try to do whatever we need to fix it inside of ourselves without blamign anybody else.
Twitter: tsquest
says:
Wow… my sister is having major issues too. I SO feel Sara’s pain.
Re: the parent issues….
This weekend I said something to Rascal about a fear I have. “That was my earliest memory,” I told him, “My dad beat me senseless over that.”
Rascal looked at me and said, “Baby, you’re too old for daddy issues. Its time to let them go.”
Yeah. He’s right. I know. I have let go of A LOT and I’m aware of more. I’m still working on it. I’m glad I have a guy who makes me aware of it and helps me along too.
Good points Kat.
.-= T´s last blog ..Bonded =-.
Twitter: youshouldknowca
says:
My parents screwed up, and that's why I'm an idiot today. What's your excuse? http://tinyurl.com/386mtjy
Bravo Kat. Bravo.
After reading your comment over on singlemama’s I am not a Choice Mom. I’m a Mom with a Choice and a Voice which made a lot of sense to me I had to visit your website to see where you’re coming from and what you’re up to. Now that I have taken a cursory look around I’ll have to come back to read more when I have more time to enjoy it because I think you have your head on straight.
Twitter: KatWilder
says:
Hey Don, welcome here, and thanks for your kind words.
I hope I have my head on straight, but if I don’t, I sure hope someone sets tells me!
Twitter: honeyandlance
says:
My boyfriend still holds grudges against his parents (who are still married) for a lot of things. I think it’s a waste of energy – you can’t control other people, and you can’t always control whether your feelings are hurt, but you can control whether you let it negatively impact other areas of your life or hold you back in what you want to do.
Honey´s last [type] ..How Likely Are You To Get Divorced?
I don’t blame either of my parents for their actions when I was growing up. They divorced when I was 8, and that did cause some problems, but the older I got, the more I saw that they did the best they could. I also realized I had a VERY skewed view of their relationship, which isn’t surprising, since I mostly heard one side of the story. My view of it now is very different. I’m lucky that my parents were both basically good people who just didn’t make a good match. They weren’t abusive, there was no cheating, etc.
It’s just too hard, though, to hold on to past resentments. You can’t go back and change what happened.
Twitter: KatWilder
says:
Allison — Yikes! Don’t we all have skewed views of our parents’ relationship?