Dating, with cancer
I felt my phone vibrate, looked at the caller ID and although I was in the middle of the checkout line at Trader Joe’s, I answered. The call was that important.
“So, how was Date Three?” I asked Sara, ignoring the cashier’s irritated look.
“A lot more than I bargained for.”
“Oh, you slut you,” I said, as quietly as I could.
“No, no. No sex.”
“No sex?”
This time everyone in line heard. Thankfully, my food was bagged and paid for, and I was ready to head out the door.
“No, and there won’t be. The guy’s got cancer.” 
“Oh God! Really?”
“Yep. I’m so bummed, because of all the guys I’ve met online, he’s the real deal. I like him.”
“So, why not date him?”
“Kat, he’s going to die.”
“I hate to break it to you, sweetie, but so are
you. And me. And everyone else we know. That’s what people do — we’re born, we live, we die.”
“Yeah, but he’s going to go before us.
“How do you know that?”
“Because the doc told him he only has a few years.”
“And, do you know when you’re going to die?”
“I …”
The phone was quiet … for a long time.
Not that I wanted to get all “I’m right” in her face, but, well, aren’t I?
I can understand Sara’s hesitation, anyone’s hesitation, to risk falling in love with someone who’s got an expiration date. But we do that all the time — we just don’t think about it. That’s the difference.
We have no idea when any of us are going to pop off, and yet every day we engage in really risky behavior. It’s called life. We drive (that kills off about 40,000 of us a year), go to the bathroom (another 20,000), and eat crappy food and too much of it (bye-bye 280,000, thanks to obesity-related issues). And then there’s all the self-destructive stuff — unsafe sex, booze binges, drug ODs — and pure bum luck — like H1N1 and choking while chowing down BBQ buffalo wings.
Is falling in love with someone who has cancer or another biggie disease all that different than falling in love with someone who’s overweight or drinks too much or smokes? You just know at some point there’s going to be hell to pay for that.
If we knew exactly when we were going to die, I’m guessing we’d stop how we’re living immediately and do a priority mash-up. We’ve all heard people who’ve faced life-threatening challenges talk about how it’s changed everything; people matter more than stuff, each day is precious. Embrace it and them, because we don’t know when it will all slip away. Live in the moment — it’s all we really have.
That’s exactly who I’ve been looking for!
Like Depot Dad has written about his skin cancer:
I am totally excited about my new-found respect for brute force reality, my insistence on complete honesty, my uncompromising fearlessness and my reawakened hunger for living. Those seem like pretty good credentials for a meaningful relationship.
He’s no longer facing a known expiration date, thanks to an experimental drug that’s working. But the stigma about cancer remains, and it scares women away.
Maybe it isn’t the disease itself but all that goes along with it — the doctor visits, the meds, the health issues that dominate each day. Yet, when our partner gets sick, we deal. In sickness and in health, yada, yada, yada.
My friend Lisa who’s marrying a man with multiple sclerosis says this — we’re all going to age, our beauty will fade, our bodies slow down, our minds sputter and falter anyway. She figures at least she sort of knows what she’s getting into.
Unlike the rest of us. We fall in love and then — anything can happen. And, sometimes they’re bad things.
Maybe choosing a few years of bliss with someone who feels like life — and love — is a gift to be embraced daily is better than being with someone who doesn’t appreciate all that life offers, and spends time on useless BS.
Would you date someone with a known expiration date?
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Wow, that’s really a tough question… I spend time sitting, I spend time out at Spirit Rock, I know we aren’t in control of the future or even the present. I know that every thing that we do or say can change the outcome of any event… but dating someone that you KNOW has been given a death sentence?? I find it hard enough to fall in love… period… to allow someone into that inner space knowing that they will only be there for a specific period of time… that’s a tough one… yes, I ride motorcycles, I drive trucks, I waterski at extreme speeds, I wakeboard, I drive boats faster than most would ever dare drive a car.. knowing that a puff of wind could flip that boat in a millisecond. I know that I won’t live forever… and if I had cancer, I would want to be loved… but would I expect someone else to constantly carry that knowledge with them EVERYDAY? That they could only love me for a few months until I started to fail and then they would have to take care of me having only just started to get to know me??? That’s a lot to ask of someone… my father died of cancer, it was the most heart wrenching thing I ever had to go through.. and I’ve been through a lot… maybe that’s why I don’t let people get too close…
KC´s last [type] ..Allergies…
Twitter: tsquest
says:
I immediately thought of Depot Dad when reading this. That guy is AMAZING and because he had cancer, has yet to find someone to appreciate his amazingness…
And this video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gePQuE-7s8c
This woman is a friend of another blogger. She recorded this in December and died in January but wow… she really tells it like it is.
Thank you for this, Kat.
Well said.
T´s last [type] ..Reunion: the first night
I recently went and visited a friend in hospice who is dying of cancer.
What people say how it is not pretty is true and it is something I never appreciated until I saw it.
You are technically correct Kat, but after seeing my friend in that condition I can understand someone not wanting to get emotionally attached to someone headed for that fate.
Steve´s last [type] ..Turn Old Cell Phones Into Trees
Twitter: honeyandlance
says:
My mom died at age 46 of a dominantly inherited neurological disease that I have a 50% chance of inheriting. She started showing symptoms right around the age I am now…it’s a strange thing, for sure, but Jake wants to marry me anyway!
Honey´s last [type] ..How Likely Are You To Get Divorced?
Sometimes doctors’ “death sentences” can be wrong. At other times, before a cancer patient dies a new curative treatment is found that allows the patient to survive indefinitely. I would advise anyone in your friend’s position to consider taking the risk of sticking with her boyfriend if she TRULY loves him and to make the most out of what may be a bad situation. If the guy cares for her, he will appreciate her and love her even more. In other words, sometimes following your heart can reap more happiness than following your mind.
I was diagnosed with cancer of the prostate gland at age 40 and I turned 77 in April. Prostate cancer is normally a slowly worsening type of cancer, but because I was only 40 I made the decision to have my prostate removed. Such surgical procedures have vastly improved since then when I had mine done and some nerves and blood vessels going to my penis were severed in the process. Can you say ED? I’ve lived with ED and without sex for nearly half of my life, but at least I’m still alive. All I need is a caring and understanding partner because I still have a strong mental and emotional sex drive and I know there are more ways than one to enjoy intimacy.
Twitter: dadshouseblog
says:
Wonderful post. Life and love are gifts, indeed. Enjoying a blissful relationship that you know will end is a tough choice, but if she feels like he’s “the one”, why wouldn’t she choose it?
dadshouse´s last [type] ..iPhone G4 for a Tech Dinosaur
Twitter: youshouldknowca
says:
He's dying — would you date him anyway? http://tinyurl.com/36fbak3
Twitter: KatWilder
says:
KC — I am sorry about your dad. And, yes, maybe that is why you don’t let people get close. I think, though, you’d have to be like the partner of cop or fireman or soldier, someone who faces danger just by the nature of his/her work — you can’t focus on it every day. You just have to trust …
T — It’s hard because sometimes the people who need love the most don’t get it in the way they need it. Thanks for sharing the video.
Honey — well, I thought Jake was a smart man; now I know it!
Don — Yes, prostate cancer is one of those diseases that a man can live with for a long time and still not have that be the cause of death. Getting it as early as you did is much tougher, however, for reasons you mention. Finding someone who is open to other ways of intimacy is the challenge, I imagine. Although there are so many older women with no interest in sex, maybe it isn’t so tough!
Dads — I wonder if we can ever truly see life and love as gifts if we don’t get to our lowest low, the epiphany moment.
Twitter: youshouldknowca
says:
[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Kat Wilder, You Should Know. You Should Know said: Scared to date someone with cancer? Kat Wilder calls her friend on it http://bit.ly/cZgiDe Totally great. http://bit.ly/c9hpFo [...]
Twitter: youshouldknowca
says:
Scared to date someone with cancer? Kat Wilder calls her friend on it http://bit.ly/cZgiDe Totally great. http://bit.ly/c9hpFo
Kat, you wrote, “Finding someone who is open to other ways of intimacy is the challenge, I imagine. Although there are so many older women with no interest in sex, maybe it isn’t so tough!”
In my mind, sex is much more than just the act of physical intercourse. Even back in the days when I was still “potent” I considered both foreplay and after-play (or just “pillow talk”) before and after the main event important and enjoyable components of “SEX”. In fact, at times they were more enjoyable than intercourse. They could last longer and frequently lead to more intercourse.
There’s nothing better than spending a long weekend just enjoying all that sex has to offer, is there?
Twitter: youshouldknowca
says:
[...] Wilder posted a blog last week about dating someone with cancer and I was nodding along with her as I read it. She challenges her friend (and the rest of us) to [...]
Well…we’re all headed for that ending, right? Life is uncertain and love is hard to find. If I felt strongly about someone then I hope it wouldn’t stop me.
Twitter: KatWilder
says:
Allison — Yep, we’ve been heading for that ending since we were born. It is hard, though, to have that reality truly present in our life. We’re so afraid of death and dying, that we’re in denial.
Twitter: singlemomseekin
says:
Thank you for writing such an honest post Kat.
Because I’m fortunate enough to know Depot Dad in person, I know what an incredibly real, loving, brave, genuine man he is. He’s such a catch.
Single Mom Seeking´s last [type] ..When you’re dating a guy without kids
Well, his post looks dead, but I will give it a shot to see if anyone responds. I have just expressed interest in a young woman who has cancer. I have watched her for about 6 months now and knew all along her situation. I fought it for a long time, not due to the cancer, but our age difference and I am pretty close to being divorced. We have decided to “talk” and get to know one another at this point. Since her diagnosis, she hasn’t dated and felt that no one would want her. I am that someone who sees that she is not her disease and would be loyal until the end, however that may turn out. Who knows, we could be in rocking chairs at 80 still holding hands. The end may come sooner, but my feeling is why should she be deprived of love and a chance to share her life. Cancer should not be allowed to rob her of that. I can see why some would be afraid, as I saw the disease take my mother in 2004. My mother had my father there until her last breath and that was comforting to her. So, the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. Once I am committed to something, I stick it out. I wouldn’t be getting divorced now if it wasn’t thoroughly shoved down my throat. My thing is, I want to how to best serve her and be of assistance during her time of need. She has her parents who are caring for her on a daily basis, so I don’t want to get in the way. Is there any advice you can give or something that you can relate to help me prepare myself?
I already am. It’s scary day to day, but that doesn’t stop me. I could die before he does for all I know. All I do know is I love him despite the cancer. It’s horrible to see him in all that pain, but I do what I can which isn’t much, but I try. Love is about being with a person despite any problems they might have.
I met a wonderful man in September of 2010. He shared with me how sick he was but not that he could pass as soon as he did. We had and on again off again but never let more than a month pass between our off again. He told me in September of 2011 that he was in love with me and I didn’t respond out of fear. He died November 17th of 2011. I never got to see him again or tell him how much I loved him or make him laugh one more time. I say…live your life and love love love! I don’t regret anything except not telling him that I loved him no matter how many meds he was on or how his hair was gone or anything physical. He was my love as himself. Live each day as if it were your last and LOVE anyone who God gives you no matter what because there is a reason God put this person in your life with them being at the end of theirs and to not welcome the love because of their sickness is to be very selfish and not enjoy something a lot of people never get to feel…even for a fleeting few months or year. LOVE…it’s what GOD is.