It probably wasn’t the typical Memorial Day weekend activity — beach, barbecue, parade — but I was involved in a threesome.
Get your mind out of the gutter — it wasn’t that kind of threesome, although it does involve sex but, sadly, not two hunky men attending to my needs (what? You thought they’d be two gals? Hey, it’s my fantasy threesome, not yours).
Let me guarantee you, none of my threesome fantasies would ever include a choice mom. I wouldn’t even date one, but I’m getting ahead of myself.
Yeah, I know I just wrote about choice moms, but I then I got a tweet from Singlemommyhood — “Thanks for the sperm, but I’ll take it from here.”
OK, tweeting something like that gets someone’s attention; it certainly got mine. It’s provocative, if a tad antagonistic toward men. Kind of like a guy tweeting — Thanks for the sex, but you’re just a piece of ass to me, so I’ll take it from here.
For those who don’t know, a choice mom, according to “Choosing Single Motherhood” author Mikki Morrissette, is:
“someone who proactively chooses motherhood, despite the lack of a
lifetime partner. … (someone) choosing to be a mother, rather than choosing to be single.”
Widows and divorcees don’t count, and I have
to guess gals who get knocked up without planning to get pregnant and decide to keep the
baby don’t count either. Choice moms — to their credit, actually — give a lot of thought and planning into their decision to have a baby, something more of us should do. The one thing that doesn’t get all that much thought is Dad; not whether a child will do OK without one, but whether a child deserves one.
I have my own feelings about choice moms — I don’t think it’s in a child’s best interest, and that’s what we should be concerned about, right? The child, as yet unborn (which is different than divorce, which also may not always be in a child’s best interest, but no one gets married and has kids while hoping to get a divorce). If a woman absolutely can’t imagine her life without a child, why not adopt or be a foster mom? Unless it’s for purely selfish reasons, which, really is why we have kids in the first place — we want them; no one else except maybe the grandparents-to-be cares whether we have a baby or not.
Just because we can do something, should we? Even if you’d be The Best. Mother. Ever.
But back to that tweet. I wonder if some choice moms feel a bit pissed at men, even on a subconscious level. Morrissette insists on her Web site that choice moms don’t hate men. That’s nice. Yet if a late 30- or 40-something woman chooses to have a baby on her own because she hasn’t found The One in time (in 20 or so years), it would seem that the reason she even had to consider raising a kid by herself is because all the men — aka losers, playas, jerks, Peter Pans, commitmentphobes, etc. — she dated failed her somehow.
If only they’d been better men …
And that’s just as well, because if that’s the potential Daddy Gene Pool, it’s better to just walk away. Fast. And then ask herself why those are the kinds of men she’s spending time with.
Unless I’m way off mark, I think most choice moms would have preferred to have a partner with whom to have a baby. I think most of us want to fall madly in love, and live happily ever after. Maybe that changes post-baby because according to a recent survey cited on ChoiceMoms.org, choice moms are happy flying solo:
The majority (90%, 261) of mothers reported that they were not currently in a relationship, with 29% (76) of these women stating that this was a conscious decision. When asked how important it was to them to meet someone in the future, the most common response was that it was not very important (50%, 130). Ten percent (25) felt it was very important, 30% (79) felt it was quite important, and 9% (24) felt it was not important at all.
Granted, that’s a small sampling, but still; the majority of choice moms don’t care all that much about meeting a man? Hmm. Another area where choice moms and I aren’t aligned, but, fine — more men for the rest of us! Gals, act quick, before they change their minds! But, if I were a man, I wouldn’t date a choice mom; our values are too different. As a dad’s daughter and as a mother of a son, I think men matter, and I think fathers matter.
And so I wonder what the child thinks about being fatherless, as a child and as an adult. If you’re a choice mom, aren’t you sending a message, however subtle, that a father isn’t all that important (because if a woman truly values fathers, she’d at least start off giving her child one, not just a sperm donor)? An opinion piece in the New York Times yesterday cites a new study by the Institute for American Values (yeah, I know; ultra-conservative). You can read the results and accept or reject all or part, but it does offer some issues to think about.
Yeah, this isn’t the biggest issue in the world, although, who knows — maybe it will be one day. There will likely be more scenarios in which a woman discovers her hubby-to-be was fathered by the same sperm donor. Then what?
But it begs the question — are fathers irrelevant? As imperfect as my dad was when I was growing up, he’s given me so much — his humor, his love of ideas, his butt …
The Advice Goddess asks women, what if you can’t have it all?; good question (as well as a discussion about whether children from single parents have too much baggage to make them date-worthy). Singlemommyhood celebrates a recent choice mom event and three 30-something girlfriends passing around a donor’s sperm, the “Sisterhood of the Traveling Sperm” (well, in these recessionary times at least they’re being thrifty).
There’s nothing wrong with choice moms supporting each other — all parents, married or single, gay or straight, need support. But encouraging more women to become choice moms? Why?
- Guys, would you date a choice mom? Is there a difference to you if a woman is a single mom because she’s a divorcee or widow, or if she decided to have a baby on her own?
- Is a woman being any more selfish if she wants to have a baby on her own than as part of a couple, or does it even matter?
- If you’re a choice mom, do you have any lingering bad feelings about not finding The One in time?
- If you’re the child of a choice mom, how do you feel about fathers?
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