RSS Feed

Celibacy is the new black

Posted on Thursday, May 6, 2010 in dating, Happiness, Honesty, masturbation, Relationships, Sex/sexuality, Singles

“I’ve decided to be like Lady Gaga,” Sara announced as we worked up a sweat on the treadmills the other day.

“Sara, don’t. There’s nothing about parading around half-naked in ridiculous outfits and even worse hair that could be flattering for a woman your age.”

My age?! And you are how old?”

“OK, OK — our age.”

“Agreed. But that’s not what I’m talking about.”      

“Puh-lease don’t tell me you want to start singing …”

“Of course not! But, did you hear what she said the other day? Her Gaganess said she’s OK being celibate until she has the time to meet someone she wants to sleep with. Well, that’s me.”

“That is so not you!”

“That’s the new me.”

“You’re kidding me. Weren’t you just on Match the other day? What were you looking for — a handyman?”

“Well, I’ve had a change of heart. I’m going to check out Bcelebate.”

I lost my footing and nearly flew off the treadmill. “Is that a …”

“Yes, a Web site for the abstinent-minded — like me.”


I know Sara well enough to know that those sorts of proclamations rarely last long; the last time she swore off chocolate she made it to, oh, 4 p.m.

But, there is a movement toward women being celibate — to which I say, are they crazy?

Unless they’re nuns, because, you know, that’s OK.

I’m not dissing celibacy for religious reasons, if that’s important to you. And, it’s OK if you’re trying to get your life together because you’re always falling for the bad boys or you’re newly divorced or something like that; you just can’t be emotionally healthy to enjoy sex at those times.

Even Lady Gaga’s celibacy makes some some sense: she prefers to get to know someone before she gets sexual, and she just doesn’t have time for that right now. “If you can’t get to know somebody,” she says, “you shouldn’t be having sex with them.”

You go, girl! Although I’d call that Celibate Lite, because I’m sure if someone worth going gaga over came along, she’d change her tune quickly.

But I wonder about wearing the celibacy badge as if you’re somewhat holier than those of us who say, yeah, I’m too busy to have a relationship right now, but I have a few, uh, needs. And my fingers are tired, and my batteries have run out. I just wanna get laid.

Those of us who see our sexuality as a natural expression of who and what we are. I mean, I’m all for National Masturbation Month — which May is, BTW — but I’m just celebrating in between the regular sex (and when Sean wants to watch, obviously).

It seems like a “thing” some women who aren’t getting any action have to declare as way to either justify why they aren’t getting any action or to deny their sexuality.

OK, there are lots of women (and maybe men, too) who can’t or don’t want to have sex just for the sake of sex. I respect that.

And there are plenty of times when we’re just not connecting with anyone so forget about dating, let alone a relationship and guaranteed sex. That’s just part of being single.

Then there are the people who lose interest in sex as they age. I can’t see doing that, however. Too bad the spinster is stigmatized, but then again, so is the slut.

We can still find ways to have intimacy and live sensually if not sexually (getting a massage — with a male masseuse — can fuel a gal’s fantasy or two).

But I just can’t see embracing celibacy as a “new way to be.”

Can you?

Bring on the comments

  1. KC says:

    Tell Sara to look for me at Sam’s… say… about 4:00 ! LOL
    I just can’t imagine WANTING to be Celibate. I CAN understand about being uptight about something and not having sex, Getting in an argument with the loved one and not having sex… that moment… I can even understand holding out for somebody to come along and “Make your Day” but to purposely NOT have sex just to NOT have SEX… no thanks!
    .-= KC´s last blog ..A weekend at the ranch =-.

  2. BigLittleWolf
    Twitter: BigLittleWolf

    This post made me laugh. And shake my head. And laugh again. And then sigh.

    There’s almost too much here to, um… touch upon. So, let’s just say, different (ahem) strokes for different folks.

    Nonetheless, the need for human touch is so basic. Preferably shared human touch. When we abstain, we lose something. Of ourselves. But “life” can get so jam-packed, especially for the single parent, that sexuality takes a back seat to all the other tasks… at hand.


  3. Amira says:

    I can understand and appreciate being celibate for reasons of just not wanting to have sex yet, which are varied and often justified. Does it need to be announced to everyone? That’s for each person to choose, but you gotta be careful if you do that. Because who knows what the next day or week or month will bring.

    Celibacy is valid and good but not necessarily something to proclaim for notoriety or attention.

  4. dadshouse
    Twitter: dadshouseblog

    I have no interest in celibacy, but I can respect those who want to be that way. And if they want to be that way, it makes a lot of sense for them to NOT be on!!!! Good for them if they have their own website.

  5. Nicole says:

    Celibacy? I’ve had my taste of that, though not voluntarily. Other basic priorities trumped.
    As LBWolf said “touch is basic”. It is a survival instinct that comes from the most primal part of our brain. Simply, the act of having (and even thinking) about sex sends out chemicals that say “this feels good!” Touching, relating, bonding is all part of good mental health. Of course too much of a good thing can morph into a problem. Sexual addiction is right up there with alcohol and drugs these days. Gee, do you think “technology” may have a hand in that? Now THAT’S a whole different subject!
    So if celibacy includes not only the absence of intercourse but the act of touch. Could that lead a problem? Remember the “Reece’s Monkey’s” experiment?
    Too much or too little?
    MODERATION: the key to success.
    Guess Goldilocks wasn’t a dumb blonde… she was “just right”!

  6. Kat Wilder says:

    #Lady Gaga may b celibate but … must we all?

  7. Kat Wilder says:

    KC — Please say this isn’t so … I CAN understand about being uptight about something and not having sex. You don’t hit me as an uptight kinda guy

    BLW — Oh, yes, shaved. Really!

    Amira — Well, we live in the age of “look at me!” Of course, Ms. Gaga epitomizes that in a way. But, I do have to say that her message to teens isn’t a bad one: there’s a lot or pressure to be and act sexual. You should only do that because you choose it, no because you feel you have to. But, is she a hypocrite to be saying that … and singing sexual explicit songs at the same time? Some say, doh!

    Dads — LOL! I sy the same about the gold-digger/sugar daddy web sites; if that’s all you’re into, fine, go, enjoy, and leave the guys who would have wasted time with you (because you’re a hottie) until they figured it out for the rest of us!

    Nicole — God, I sure hope it wouldn’t exclude touch. But, some people don’t like be touched, so it may be an individual thing. I don’t buy into the sexual addiction epidemic; I think people want to slap a label on it so it can be easily explained away. It’s not like booze/drug addiction in my mind (which, admittedly, gets things confused nowadays …)

  8. Very in tune with what I posted yesterday!

    And although I would never elect to be celebate, I do prefer no sex or solo sex to a hook up just to get laid.

    If it’s been more than a few months and I’ve had a few cocktails I may change my mind though. Lol. 😉
    .-= Mindy@SingleMomSays´s last blog ..May is Masturbation Month! =-.

  9. Edgar says:

    Well, we all see what the celibate life has led to in the case of Catholic priests. Sexuality, touch, physical connection is genetic, hereditary and natural, so enforced celibacy has always seemed to me to be perverse. Not only is May international masturbation month, but for those of us with Celtic blood, it is also the month of Beltane – the fires of purification and the rites of fertility. Or, when a young man’s fancy turns to thoughts of lust.

  10. Steve says:

    I think it is funny that people who are not having any luck dating are spinning it as choosing celibacy.

    Oy….natural politicians :).
    .-= Steve´s last blog ..Goodbye Plenty Of Fish =-.

  11. Kat Wilder says:

    Mindy — That’s exactly what cocktails were invented for, if you ask me; mind-changers.

    Edgar — I sure hope young (and older) men’s minds turn to lust during the other months, too!

    Steve — yeah, we’re all little PR machines. Now, if I could find a way to make money from that!

  12. Kat Wilder challenge: celibacy or celibacy-lite? And what's best for our sexual health?

  13. […] Kat Wilder » Celibacy is the new black“I’ve decided to be like Lady Gaga,” Sara announced as we worked up a sweat on the treadmills the other day. … “Sara, don’t. There’s nothing about parading around half-naked in ridiculous outfits and even worse hair that could be flattering for a woman your age.” … “Of course not! But, did you hear what… […]